Can nobody hear me?

This is a poem I wrote for a poetry competition, though I'm not sure if my teacher ever sent it in. Anyway, it popped into my head as I was getting ready for school one day and I had to write it down, so I was almost late. Does it relate to me? probably subconsciously. I don't know. It's weird.

“Can nobody hear me?” I shouted
“Can nobody hear me?” I screamed.
And the world moved on in its deafness
Like a wretched, endless dream.
“Is there nobody here who can take me
To the place I need to be?
Can nobody hear me?” I bellowed
But nobody listened to me.

“Can nobody hear me?” I shouted
In a desperate attempt to be heard,
But my speech fell into the silence
And nobody caught my words.
No voice called out to greet me
Across the blustery breeze
And nobody stepped out to listen
From under the shadowy trees.

Nobody could hear me, I realised,
And nobody wanted to hear
In the silence of my loneliness
The horrible truth became clear.
So with nobody there to stop me,
I set off to go somewhere
To find someone who would listen
To find someone who would care.

Hello. I'm not very sure on how poems are supposed to be punctuated and stuff so I will leave that for another reviewer. My comments will be in bold.

“Can nobody hear me?” I shouted
“Can nobody hear me?” I screamed.
And the world moved on in its deafness
Like a wretched, endless dream.
“Is there nobody here who can take me
To the place I need to be?
Can nobody hear me?” I bellowed bellowed doesn't seem like a very good word choice here, it messes up the flow of your poem
But nobody listened to me.

“Can nobody hear me?” I shouted
In a desperate attempt to be heard,
But my speech fell into the silence this part is a little confusing. how can speech fall into silence?
And nobody caught my words. love this line!
No voice called out to greet me
Across the blustery breeze the blustery breeze seems very out of place, since you didn't mention a breeze before.
And nobody stepped out to listen
From under the shadowy trees. again, shadowy trees seem out of place. what is their purpose?

Nobody could hear me, I realised, realised should be realized
And nobody wanted to hear
In the silence of my loneliness
The horrible truth became clear. love this line too!
So with nobody there to stop me,
I set off to go somewhere
To find someone who would listen
To find someone who would care.

I did enjoy your poem, but as I mentioned above, there are some things that seem very out of place. If you took them out, the poem would flow much better and have a lot more meaning.

Hope I helped.

Sasha

I'm not much of a critique, mainly because I think constructive criticism is still criticism(I'm not one to care of others feelings much, but I understand pain so I don't.) I think that, to help your work that you should use a thesaurus. You have a beautiful way of saying things. Your poem truly illustrates the message, you just need rhyme and flow. It is what what makes a special quality to poetry that makes places it in a scale of harmony. Well done, I hope you post more work. This was a high quality poem, if there was a few things done differently I would not have known you were not a known poet.

fhwdf wrote:And nobody stepped out to listen
From under the shadowy trees.

The second line doesn't really fit. Listen and trees don't exactly rhyme, and if you weren't looking to rhyme, they don't match either. All in all, not a good fit. But I love the rest of your poem. Funny how you can come up with something brilliant when you're not even looking for something brilliant to write in the first place. Well done!

I loved that! I could relate to that, and it really struck home. I only saw one mistake and it was you put " realised" and I think it should be "realized" but it was really great. I loved it and would love to read more of your work. Message me or something when you post something else!

Erm, the realised thing: not a mistake, I'm English. Realized is American. Listen and trees aren't supposed to rhyme, the rhyme scheme is ABCBDEFE. Speech falling into silence is a metaphor. The purpose of the trees is to give a sense of the setting - I suppose it's my view of the place, maybe I need to put that across more clearly to the audience.

Thanks for all your comments, I think the thesaurus idea is really useful. It's good to know which words don't work so that I can change them.

I have one minor problem with this brilliant poem.

“Can nobody hear me?” I shouted
“Can nobody hear me?” I screamed.
And the world moved on in its deafness
Like a wretched, endless dream.
“Is there nobody here who can take me
To the place I need to be?
Can nobody hear me?!” I bellowed
But nobody listened to me.

“Can nobody hear me?” I shouted
In a desperate attempt to be heard,
But my speech fell into the silence
And nobody caught my words.
No voice called out to greet me
Across the blustery breeze
And nobody stepped out to listen
From under the shadowy trees.

Nobody could hear me, I realised,
And nobody wanted to hear
In the silence of my loneliness
The horrible truth became clear.
So with nobody there to stop me,
I set off to go somewhere
To find someone who would listen
To find someone who would care.

when you say "can nobody hear me?" it lessens the impact if you add afterwards 'i said' We know you are the one saying it. Remove the said shouted and bellowed and the poem flows beutifulled. There is the same problem in the first line of the last paragraph. They just make the poem sound too rigid and lessen the impact of the words. It flows much better and sounds better wothout these bit. it would read like this :-
“Can nobody hear me?”
“Can nobody hear me?”
And the world moved on in its deafness
Like a wretched, endless dream.
“Is there nobody here who can take me
To the place I need to be?
Can nobody hear me!?”
But nobody listened to me.

“Can nobody hear me?” I shouted (this one is needed and sounds fine)
In a desperate attempt to be heard,
But my speech fell into the silence
And nobody caught my words.
No voice called out to greet me
Across the blustery breeze
And nobody stepped out to listen
From under the shadowy trees.

Nobody could hear me,
And nobody wanted to hear
In the silence of my loneliness
The horrible truth became clear.
So with nobody there to stop me,
I set off to go somewhere
To find someone who would listen
To find someone who would care.

Hope this has helped as i think it perfects a masterpiece.



Jusr realised it messes with rhyme scheme :s maybe not perfect. it just sounds more emotional though. And an irregular rhyme scheme is not a huge problem. Its only for one stansa too. I prefer it myself but thats just my opinion.

No voice called out to greet me
Across the blustery breeze

My favorite!
'Ello! I really liked your poem. I wish it did not relate to you, because that would be sad! But, now that I think about it, I can actually relate it a little to myself. Maybe this is one of those poems that everyone can relate to! Wouldn't that be a miracle...
Anyways, I much enjoyed reading it. Good job!
~Skip

I like the poem. It is interesting and it flows well. The poem's meaning is true. People search for a person that will listen to them. You feel all alone and keep searching for a person to listen. Sometimes you find that person. Other times you don't find that person. If you enter that in a poerty contest it will get close or will be first place.

Well done is how I'm going to start out. I think many people can relate to this. I can tell that a lot of feeling and thought was put into it. Like how when you write or type something you don't even think, you just feel. I can tell that from this poem. It was very nice. There was only one thing which was the word "bellowed" because it seemed to stop the poem for a minute. It held it back but it was a well written poem.

i like it, i think it's something that everyone can relate to at some point in their life. very good.