losing you

hey guys. well i wouldn't exactly call this a poem but its the closest it gets:



my poem is on my siggy :
...we all know you wanna kiss him...go ahead see what happens when you do...do you know what it feels like to lose a friend? you will soon.

well i got some views....BUT DO ANY OF YOU THINK YOU COULD REPLY TELLING ME WHAT YOU THINK AND GIVING ME ANY ADVICE???!!


OH yeah i almost forgot see this i just wrote for my siggy on gaia last night and i thight it sounded ok so i put it as my siggy on here too...well i am in love with this guy and my friend is hanging all over him so that's just alittle bit of how i felt at the moment...

...we all know you wanna kiss him...go ahead see what happens when you do...do you know what it feels like to lose a friend? you will soon.

Oh, no wonder why people didn't want to comment immediately.

You completely ignored proper English. This looks like it was written in a chat session. I sure hope that was what happened, I'd hate to think you don't know capitalization.

Here is what I hope you meant.

We all know you wanna kiss him.
Go ahead see what happens when you do.
Do you know what it feels like to lose a friend?
You will soon.

I'm no authority on poems, but it seems too short.

VoLcOlYrO wrote:well i got some views....BUT DO ANY OF YOU THINK YOU COULD REPLY TELLING ME WHAT YOU THINK AND GIVING ME ANY ADVICE???!!

OH yeah i almost forgot see this i just wrote for my siggy on gaia last night and i thight it sounded ok so i put it as my siggy on here too...well i am in love with this guy and my friend is hanging all over him so that's just alittle bit of how i felt at the moment...

According to the time on both your posts, you waited a shocking 25 minutes. It sometimes takes a day for someone to comment. Some people have waited a week. Usually posts occur within an hour. When you yell at people to give you advice, it turns off some of the best critiquers on the site and makes you wait much longer than you would ordinarily.

I should also warn you that this site has a strict "no-chatspeak" policy.

This means we expect you to use proper grammar, capitalization, and spelling. This is why we have a spell check function for the forum.

We all know you wanna kiss him.
Go ahead see what happens when you do.
Do you know what it feels like to lose a friend?
You will soon.

I will use this to edit (Thank you, Griffin) instead of your original, improper poem. Also, don't yell at people to critique things for you. It is too short in my opinion and lacks substance.

I will redo this "poem" with changed things in bold and what I change in parentheses.

We all know you want to kiss him. (I suggest you go away from the chatspeak and use proper English)

Go ahead and see what happens when you do. (It didn't flow. You can start a new sentence, do it how I did or use a semicolon.)

Do you know what it feels like to lose a friend?
You will soon.

So:

We all know you want to kiss him.
Go ahead and see what happens when you do.
Do you know what it feels like to lose a friend?
You will soon.

I think it lacks substance. It is too short and is not powerful. It is cliche and says nothing we don't know. It doesn't seem complete and I don't think that it took much thought. Sorry.

well I'm sorry but if you had read the whole thing then you would have realized that it wasn't really a poem i just thought that that was the closest it would be to any thread you have on this site....oh and these "..." were meant to be in the poem type thing. Well anyway sorry but hey it's my first day here!

This was basically meant to be short and to the point.

It seems more like the framework for a longer, more in-depth poem than anything else. Play with the idea, get into some detail, throw in some poetic devices (rhyme scheme NOT required, please don't force a rhyme. If it happens that way and still sounds good, fine.) and voila! A decent poem. Depending on your abilities, it could be good or even great.

Also just to let you know, it's "loose" in your sig. Might want to change that.