Nature's Callings

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How could you say that wasn't good? I liked it! It talked about the senses very well. I loved how it was descriptive, but not overly descripted. You know? It was really great. I took my time reading it, even though it was short. It was really great! Keep on writing!

Honestly Kamas, these are both wonderful poems and from my ability with poetry, which isn’t much, I can honestly say that this is pretty freakin awesome! The Leaf is probably my favorite for the simple way it all over adds personification to the leaf and makes it seem to breathe.

I adored the last two lines of Canoe Lake though. They held a lot of imagery and it was really well put together.

There’s not much else to say though. I’m not an expert on poetry, but from the non-poet’s point of view, this is good and is deserver of like, and A++++++

~lilymoore

Kamas wrote:The Leaf


As the golden sheets sway in the cooling breeze
One is torn from its origins and swirls downward.
In dismay, it stares up to where it had begun.

I'm not sure that 'sheets' is necessarily a good choice as a synonym for 'leaves'. Also, drop the passive tense, 'one is torn from its origins' reads awkwardly. Be careful, also, with your tense; you don't need a double-past tense since the action is happening in the present, you can just say 'it stares up to where it began'.

It remembered the warm summer winds,
Like the tickle of passing wings as birds fly by.

Tense! Not a bad simile, though. Could condense into "like the tickle of passing birds' wings".

It remembered the dance of the fireflies
Twirling and spinning in its mind.

Again, tense. Also, not as strong an image as the last -- make this one more visual and arresting.

It remembered the smell of the curling smoke,
As its passing friends disappeared with a crackle.

Teeeense. Also, watch the repetition -- you use passing again. Find a more descriptive word.

It remembered the chatter of branches
As it gossiped with the wind.

I feel like the second 'it' here needs to be replaced with something more specific; either as they gossiped with the wind, or as the tree gossiped with the wind, or something.

With a little sigh the golden leaf melted away
Into the damp earth to grow again.

The inaccuracy in the last part bothers me -- leaves turn into dirt. You may want to change the subject from a leaf to a pine cone, or else alter the last line.

Hey Kamas!!!! I really liked them!!! They were really cool!!! But I know you probably don't want to hear this but I can't find the hyperbole. Maybe I just missed it. But I found everything else. Really good!!! I think you'll totally get an "A"!!! Ok then any questions just ask me, k? See you!!!

Hey Kamas!

So poetry isn't my strong point, so forgive me, but I'll give this a go.

I'll just put my notes on each poem here:

1. The Leaf.

I like this, it's pretty. My main issue would be with your first stanza. "Sheets" doesn't make a whole lot of sense in the context, maybe you could find a better word, because leaves don't really grow in sheets, you know?

Other than that, I like your little two line stanzas about each sense- especially the one about the gossiping with the wind, I really like that. Again, I have issues with the last stanza. Leaves don't grow again, seeds do. Which is why I found this a bit weird. A leaf is more likely to decompose and help other things to grow. But I appreciate this isn't a science lesson

Oh, one last thing- "birds fly by"- I was wondering if this would do better in past tense, I don't know...

2. Canoe Lake

Some technical things about this one:

it's feathered red chest

This should be its. Remember, he's, she's, it's, his, her, its.

The twinkling rays of sunlight dances

Uh, yeah. It's plural, so that should just be dance, which means you'll need to change that rhyme.

Okay, I don't like this one as much, just out of taste. I think that the rhyming seems a little forced- which I know is difficult to overcome, but still. In the last line, I think it should be "one another" but again, that might just be me. The imagery is nice, but I think it could do better without the rhyme- unless that's part of the criteria. It also might be interesting to bring things back to the speaker in the canoe, remind us that they're still there, they seem to sort of vanish.

But overall, these aren't bad at all, your imagery is lovely They're much better than any poetry I've ever tried at any rate.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

I thought they were really good! I really liked your one about the leaf. But i mean, I wonder how many people have told you that. i bet your teacher liked them. The Rhyme scheme of the second one though.... eghk. And it didn't like your second to last line of that one.

The flaming wildfire trees

You could have worded that ANY other way. I was confused for a second. Suddenly it sounded like the woods was on fire and that kinda ruined the peaceful flow of the poem. So yeah, maybe a different word there.

i loved it so much!! all of them. im not really good at grammer so i cant tell you how to fix anything. plus i feel as if it's perfect already. it made me want to get up and dance! (it's me dancing) keep up your great work!!!

Kammy-chan!
*tacklepouncenoms* How dare you. You have talent. *paints the word 'talent' onto Kammy's face in big letters*
Oh, and by the way, I didn't get a chance to congradulate you on becoming an Instructor. So congrats. <5
So. Now that that's out of the way, I'll get on with the review. ^^

The Leaf
Not the most creative title, but certainly effective. ^^

As the golden sheets sway in the cooling breeze

Golden sheets? I know this is supposed to be a metaphor for leaves, but if I didn't know that, I'd certainly be confused at this point. Also, it's not exactly a great hook.

In dismay, it stares up to where it had begun.

Lovely, dear. From the title of this thread, I take it you're writing as if from a Native American perspective or something? I think you do that nicely here, giving the leaf an individual spirit and all that.

It remembered the warm summer winds,

The "it remembered"s are the only parts of the poem where you speak in past tense. It confuses the reader and can be very disorienting. For the sake of consistency, change them to just plain "remembers."

With a little sigh the golden leaf melted away

This line is beautiful. <5

Kammy, I like this poem because you characterize something doesn't have a character (if that makes sense). You give life to this individual leaf and make your readers feel for it in the same way that they'd feel for a person. To me, this poem represents death and how it is not an ending, but rather a new beginning. Beautiful job, Kammy-chan. <5

Canoe Lake

There aren't any tiny individual things here that I'm going to nitpick. Your grammar and spelling is fantastic.
I am going to say that I don't like this one as much as I liked The Leaf. The rhyming seems too forced and it doesn't seem to flow that well. It kind of makes the poem seem clunky. It's hard to write a good rhyming poem, so don't worry. I'd rewrite this without the rhyme, unless it's a requirement.
In any case, you have wonderful imagery. <5

*Gold stars*