Winged Crossing- Prologue

Based off a dream I had. It involved my friends and I. It was such an amazing dream I just had to write about it. So I am making it into a novel.

Winged Crossing
Prologue

Shining brightly, the full moon lit the night sky. It created a faint yellow glow, while the stars created tiny dots of radiance around it. Below the sky, a lake rested; acting like a mirror reflecting the images in the darkened heavens. Entering the cool waters, a girl gently walked creating small ripples shattering the mirror image of the lake. Long pearl white hair draped down her slim shoulders and rested against her back. The glow of the moon created an angelic effect on her smooth snow-white skin, and the girl’s small body was dwarfed by the sheer size of the lake and the ever-extending heavens. Looking forward, two small orbs colored a bright pink filled her eyes.

The water reached up to her knees, barely avoiding her black skirt, which was fluttering in the small breeze. Her plain white tanktop showed vibrantly against the black background. The breeze slightly intensified, making her hair wave into the air. She could hear the footsteps rushing towards her. “I wonder. Are our destinies intertwined? Or are they only meant to cross each other?” Her voice was smooth, like silk, but was stern like stone.

Turning her head, she looked back to the shore. Six girls ran on the sandy shore, rushing into the water. Gazing back at the moon, the girl smiled. “A voice is calling out to me. Beckoning me to return to it. I have no choice but to obey. Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi, Shelby. I will miss you guys.”
“Why are you doing this?” Kryssi questioned.

Eyes filling up with tears, Crimson stood beside her. She begged. “Don’t leave.”
Creating larger ripples in the water, Ali raced closer. Her eyes focused on her friend. Ignoring the numbness in her body, she continued to run deeper into the water. She could hear Alex and Shelby follow behind her. Pulling Alex along with her, Shelby ran faster. Closest to shore was Kegan. She was slightly trembling in the freezing lake water, her eyes staring unknowingly foreword. “Why Lizzy?” She whispered lightly.
Breathing slowly, Lizzy spoke. “Lizzy’s not my real name. It’s Alida.”
Extending her arm out towards the moon. “Terra ocula.”

Suddenly in the sky, a large eye opened. Its iris was bright neon green, outlined with bright yellow. Looking back at her friends, Alida gave a small grin. Her eyes were hollow and devoid of emotions. “Goodbye.”
Beginning to turn into ash, Alida began to be swept up by the wind. When her body was halfway gone, the earth rumbled, and her eyes widened. “What!” She quickly turned her head to look at the eye.
She screamed. “Run!”

Raising her hand out towards her friends, Alida’s body completely faded away her ashes flying into the eye; however now the six girls also began to fade away as well, their ashes flying into the eye, and their screams echoing across the land. The eye shut disappearing from the sky.

Absorbed into a bright white light, the girls flew in a never-ending blackness towards a light that never got closer. Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi and Shelby felt like their skull had been cracked opened, and their souls were being sucked out. The six girls trailed behind Alida, who was unusually calm in all the chaotic light. Strangely, the light at the end stretched and wrapped around the seven girls, bringing them in.

The bright light cascaded around them, and brought unimaginable pain. Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi and Shelby wondered if the agony brought from the light would last forever, but as quickly as it came; the light faded away and was replaced with an eerie blue tinted shine. Raising her head, Kegan was lying on the hard cold earth. She looked up, and gasped. “Th...the moon!”

The sound of her voice caused the others to raise their heads. Each of them gasped at what they saw. In the sky, the moon covered a large portion of the sky. An eye looked like it was painted on the moon, creating an ominous feeling in the atmosphere. Taking notice of the landscape around them, Ali stood up. “W-Where are we?”

The six girls were standing in an empty wasteland. There were no landscapes, and everything was flat for as far as you could see. The only two things were the extending blue sky above, and the hard brown earth below.
Shelby pointed towards something. “What is that?”

The six girls stood close together, watching the mysterious figure carefully. The person wore golden plated armor that reflected the blue light coming from the moon. The metal plated chest was decorated with an array of different red and orange stones. The helmet had black glass to cover the eyes, and two long wing decorations were on its sides. The figure held a large claymore. It easily weighed around a ton and dwarfed the armored figure. Taking a step, the figure effortlessly moved towards the girls. It stopped right in front of them. The figure stabbed its claymore into the earth, allowing it to stand. “You fools.” The voice was stern and caused some of the girls to jump.

“Lizzy? Is that you?” Crimson whispered.
Alida sighed. “I told you, my real name is Alida.”
Taking notice of the armor, the girls wondered why she wore it, and when she put it on.
“Why are you wearing armor?” Shelby asked.

Lifting up the black glass of her helmet, she glared at them. “Do you six realize what you have done? Now I won’t be able to fight him, without having to protect you guys!”
Before anyone could answer, a second silhouette appeared in the distance walking towards them. “Great.” Alida growled, putting the black close back down to shield her eyes.

Lifting up the claymore, Alida stood ready to fight. The man raised his hand, and chanted. “Incendia.”
A burst of bright orange flames charged towards the girls. Swinging her claymore, Alida forced the flames back, and protected them. With a burst of speed, Alida sprinted towards the man. The wind blew his long murky green hair, exposing his long pale face. His red eyes shot to Alida, watching her run. Alida raised her claymore above her head, and was ready to strike. Inches from him, Alida swung her claymore vertically down at him. The green haired man easily blocked the insanely heavy sword with his bare hand. Grunting, Alida forced the claymore to be pulled back, and she stabbed at him.

Moving left and right, the man dodged all of her attacks. He gracefully shot his hand back and backhanded Alida across her face. The force echoed loudly across the land, and shards of Alida’s helmet blasted into the ground. With her face partly exposed, Alida jumped back and removed her helmet. She tossed it to the ground, the helmet worthless now. “Please Cassian don’t involve them any further!” She spat out as an order.

A grin formed across his peach thin lips. Alida’s eyes widened, knowing what he was going to do. “Putesco.”
A dim green glow flew towards Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi and Shelby. Alida used her body as a shield, defending the girls. The dim green light was absorbed into Alida’s armor. Chunks of the metal began to change into a copper red color, and turn to dust. Grabbing her throat, Cassian chuckled. “Let her go!” Alex shouted, charging towards him, her fist ready to punch him.
“Terra oriri” He muttered.

The earth surrounded him rose. Rising rock collided against Alex’s arm, making it crack. She closed her mouth and ignored the pain sawing at her. The six girls focused on Alida and Cassian. Alida struggled in his grasp, trying to break free. His grip; however remained solid. “Glaci.” Cassian chanted.
Slowly, Alida’s body began to change into an icy blue color as it froze. The ice crept up her body. Opening her mouth, Alida shouted. “Tempus ocula!”

A large eye appeared in the sky. Its iris the color of gold and blood; it began to suck the six girls away, turning them into ashes. As they watched helplessly, Alida was completely engulfed into ice.
“Are our destinies intertwined? Or only meant to cross?”
It begins...




____________________________________________

Latin words...
Terra- earth
ocula- eye
Incendia- fire
Putesco- rot
Glaci- ice (or to freeze)
Tempus- time
oriri- rise

*Hope everyone liked my long prologue.*

Very well worded but at times confusing. I liked how you used the Latin words to give the magic more meaning. At some places you have missed punctuation marks, for example :

“Lizzy(.)” Crimson whispered.

Also describing all those girls at the same time really slows the story down and although they are good descriptions, they make the reader impatient, in my view. Maybe move them to later in the story, or put them further apart? Maybe have it so the main character is looking at them before she leaves and then describe them.
I loved the story! I would be pleased to read more, when you have written it.
Happy writing,
Durriedog.

sure. I'll fix it up ^_^ the next part may take a while, cause I have a lot to do this week T_Tq

Hey Maki,

Ok here we go

it created a fait yellow glow, while the stars created tiny dots of radiance around it. - I think you meant 'faint' here not fait.

“A voice is calling out to me. Beckoning me to return to it. I have no choice but to obey. Ali, Buffy, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi, Shelby. I will miss you guys.” - This is just a personal thing but 'Buffy' just makes me think of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. When I write, I try to stay away from names that have been made popular by other writers or that are in pop culture because now I immediately have a person conjured in my mind and this might not be how you want you character to be, if you see what I mean.

Pulling Buffy along her, Shelby ran faster. - Did you mean 'Pulling Buffy along with her' ?

Turning into ash, Alida began to fade into dust being swept up by the wind. - This sentence was a bit weird because you seemed to say she turned into Ash and then you say she began to fade into dust. It's almost like you are saying the same thing twice.

Raising her hand out towards her friends, Alida completely faded away her ashes flying into the eye - She faded again? I think you should make it more apparent that she is gradually fading because I am quite confused by this.

“T-the moon!” - This line of dialogue is weird. I read it as 'T the moon' I think you should use ellipses here, something like "Th..the moon!"

The sound of her voice caused the others to raise their heads. Each of them gasped as what they saw. - I think you meant 'at' not 'as'

Taking notice to the landscape around them, Ali stood up. - I think this sentence would be better phrased as 'Taking notice of the landscape around hem, Ali stood up'

The only two things were the dark blue sky above, and the dark brown earth below. - I kind of don't like the repetition of dark here. I know you were probably trying to do something here but it just knocked me out of the story a bit.

It easily weighted around a ton and dwarfed the armored figure. - I think a better word here would be 'weighed' not 'weighted'. Also in this whole paragraph where you introduce the armoured figure, I think that you use armour too much. Every sentence has some different way to say armoured and the repetition is slightly off. Perhaps you need to think of some other way that you can describe him. It is an easy trap to fall into when you don't want to or can't name a character and are trying to find something to call them. Just try and switch it up a bit so it doesn't become so repetitive. Also the word 'figure' is becoming quite repetitive here too.

Picking up her claymore - It's her claymore?

His red eyes shot at Alida - I think this would be better as 'His red eyes shot to Alida' otherwise it sounds kind of weird. Like his eyes shot out of his sockets at Alida, if you see what I mean.

Alida used her body as a shield, protecting the girls. The dim green light was absorbed into Alida’s armor. - Where did the armour come from?

General Comments - Overall this piece was quite confusing, yes prologues are supposed to be kind of mysterious and not tell the reader everything but I felt it was hard to try and grasp everything that was happening here. Like things would randomly appear, like her armour. Unless I missed something it just seemed like her armour had appeared out of thin air. If it was part of the magic then you should probably state that. I suppose it is in the nature of a dream to be confusing but I think this needed a little more thought about how you translated it into words. Prologues should leave the reader intrigued and leave them wanting to read more, but I just felt a huge sense of confusion as to where they were and why this was happening. There was a moment when they were fading to ash and then the next moment they were fine and somewhere else, that was a little confusing.

Your dialogue was pretty good and alusive. I like how it protrayed certain things but then kept back other things. Like how you know that Alida and Cassian know each other but you are left wondering why. So that was pretty well done.

Description wise, yours didn't seem to flow much. It was comprised of these short sharp sentences. Some of them were really good and absolute magic, others just weren't. Also I didn't really like how you stopped to describe how every single character looked. It felt a little forced, except for Cassian, his description seemed to come more naturally out of what was going on. I always find that you don't need to stop and describe the physical look of your characters, sometimes it is better to leave it up to the imagination of the reader. Of course you do need to give them a few hints but this should come naturally out of what is happening in the story.

On some of the description I felt like you were trying too hard, that you were using big words just for the sake of using big words and then in other places I felt like you needed to switch up the words you used a little so that you weren't constantly repeating yourself in the same paragraph or sentence.

On the bright side I think that the general concept is really interesting and once you get past the confusion this story is actually quite intriguing. Like what is this big eye and what does it have to do with everything? Why is she Alida and not Lizzie anymore? And who the heck is Cassian? lol So you did that well. I feel sort of hooked and I think that with a little work, this could be a compelling prologue and really hook the reader

So that was a really long review lol I hope I helped and you don't feel like I was attacking your piece. I'm just trying to help! And speaking of help, if you need any, feel free to PM me.

I hope to see more from you!
Bex x

Winged Crossing

Prologue


Shining brightly, the full moon lit the night sky. It created a faint yellow glow, while the stars created tiny dots of radiance around it. Below the sky, a lake rested; acting like a mirror reflecting the images in the darkened heavens. Entering the cool waters, a girl gently walked, creating small ripples, shattering the mirror image of the lake. Long, pearl white hair draped down her slim shoulders and rested against her back. The glow of the moon created an angelic effect on her smooth, snow-white skin, and the girl’s small body was dwarfed by the sheer size of the lake and the ever-extending heavens. Looking foreword (This should be "forward", not "foreword", as in a preface or prologue), two small orbs colored a bright pink shade garmented her face. <-- For some reason, this sentence is a bit confusing, like a tongue-twister. Probably rearrange or leave out some phrases...

The water reached up to her knees, barely avoiding her black skirt, which was fluttering in the small breeze. Her plain white tanktop showed vibrantly against the black background. The breeze slightly intensified, making her hair wave into the air. She could hear the footsteps rushing towards her. “I wonder. Are our destinies intertwined? Or are they only meant to cross each other?” Her voice was smooth, like silk, but was stern like stone.

Turning her head, she looked back to the shore. Six girls ran on the sandy shore, rushing into the water. Gazing back at the moon, the girl smiled. “A voice is calling out to me. Beckoning me to return to it. I have no choice but to obey. Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi, Shelby. I will miss you guys.”

“Why are you doing this?” Kryssi questioned.

Eyes filling up with tears, Crimson stood beside her. She begged. “Don’t leave.”

Creating larger ripples in the water, Ali raced closer. Her eyes focused on her friend. Ignoring the numbness in her body, she continued to run deeper into the water. She could hear Alex and Shelby follow behind her. Pulling Alex along with her, Shelby ran faster. Closest to shore was Kegan. She was slightly trembling in the freezing lake water, her eyes staring unknowingly foreword[color=red (again, "forward")[/color]. “Why Lizzy?” She whispered lightly.

Breathing slowly, Lizzy spoke. “Lizzy’s not my real name. It’s Alida.”

Extending her arm out towards the moon. “Terra ocula.”

Suddenly in the sky, a large eye opened. Its iris was a bright neon green, outlined with bright yellow. Looking back at her friends, Alida gave a small grin. Her eyes were hollow and devoid of emotions. “Goodbye.”

Beginning to turn into ash, Alida began to be swept up by the wind. When her body was halfway gone, the earth rumbled, and her eyes widened. “What!” She quickly turned her head to look at the eye.

She screamed. “Run!”

Raising her hand out towards her friends, Alida’s body completely faded away her ashes flying into the eye; however now the six girls also began to fade away as well, their ashes flying into the eye, and their screams echoing across the land. The eye shut, disappearing from the sky.

Absorbed into a bright white light, the girls flew in a never-ending blackness towards a light that never got closer. Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi and Shelby felt like their skull had been cracked opened, and their souls were being sucked out. The six girls trailed behind Alida, who was unusually calm in all the chaotic light. Strangely, the light at the end stretched and wrapped around the seven girls, bringing them in.

The bright light cascaded around them, and brought unimaginable pain. Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi and Shelby wondered if the agony brought from the light would last forever, but as quickly as it came, the light faded away and was replaced with an eerie blue tinted shine. Raising her head, Kegan was lying on the hard cold earth. She looked up, and gasped. “Th...the moon!”

The sound of her voice caused the others to raise their heads. Each of them gasped at what they saw. In the sky, the moon covered a large portion of the sky. An eye looked like it was painted on the moon, creating an ominous feeling in the atmosphere. Taking notice of the landscape around them, Ali stood up. “W-Where are we?”

The six girls were standing in an empty wasteland. There were no landscapes, and everything was flat for as far as you could see. The only two things were the extending blue sky above, and the hard brown earth below.

Shelby pointed towards something. “What is that?”

The six girls stood close together, watching the mysterious figure carefully. The person wore golden plated armor that reflected the blue light coming from the moon. The metal plated chest was decorated with an array of different red and orange stones. The helmet had black glass to cover the eyes, and two long wing decorations were on its sides. The figure held a large claymore. It easily weighed around a ton and dwarfed the armored figure. Taking a step, the figure effortlessly moved towards the girls. It stopped right in front of them. The figure stabbed its claymore into the earth, allowing it to stand. “You fools.” The voice was stern and caused some of the girls to jump.

“Lizzy? Is that you?” Crimson whispered.

Alida sighed. “I told you, my real name is Alida.”

Taking notice of the armor, the girls wondered why she wore it, and when she put it on.

“Why are you wearing armor?” Shelby asked.

Lifting up the black glass of her helmet, she glared at them. “Do you six realize what you have done? Now I won’t be able to fight him, without having to protect you guys!”

Before anyone could answer, a second silhouette appeared in the distance walking towards them. “Great.” Alida growled, putting the black close back down to shield her eyes.

Lifting up the claymore, Alida stood ready to fight. The man raised his hand, and chanted. “Incendia.”

A burst of bright orange flames charged towards the girls. Swinging her claymore, Alida forced the flames back, and protected them. With a burst of speed, Alida sprinted towards the man. The wind blew his long murky green hair, exposing his long pale face. His red eyes shot to Alida, watching her run. Alida raised her claymore above her head, and was ready to strike. Inches from him, Alida swung her claymore vertically down at him. The green haired man easily blocked the insanely heavy sword with his bare hand. Grunting, Alida forced the claymore to be pulled back, and she stabbed at him. (This paragraph is insanely long. Think you could separate it, probably here?) Moving left and right, the man dodged all of her attacks. He gracefully shot his hand back and backhanded Alida across her face. The force echoed loudly across the land, and shards of Alida’s helmet blasted into the ground. With her face partly exposed, Alida jumped back and removed her helmet. She tossed it to the ground, the helmet worthless now. “Please Cassian don’t involve them any further!” She spat out as an order.

A grin formed across his peach thin lips. Alida’s eyes widened, knowing what he was going to do. “Putesco.”

A dim green glow flew towards Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi, and Shelby. Alida used her body as a shield, defending the girls. The dim green light was absorbed into Alida’s armor. Chunks of the metal began to change into a copper red color, and turn to dust. Grabbing her throat, Cassian chuckled. “Let her go!” Alex shouted, charging towards him, her fist ready to punch him.

“Terra oriri” He muttered.

The earth surrounded him rose. Rising rock collided against Alex’s arm, making it crack. She closed her mouth and ignored the pain sawing at her. The six girls focused on Alida and Cassian. Alida struggled in his grasp, trying to brake(this should be "break", not "brake" as in stop) free. His grip, however , remained solid. “Glaci.” Cassian chanted.

Slowly, Alida’s body began to change into an icy blue color as it froze. The ice crept up her body. Opening her mouth, Alida shouted. “Tempus ocula!”

A large eye appeared in the sky. Its iris the color of gold and blood, it began to suck the six girls away, turning them into ashes. As they watched helplessly, Alida was completely engulfed into ice.

“Are our destinies intertwined? Or only meant to cross?”

It begins...





____________________________________________


Latin words...

Terra- earth

ocula- eye

Incendia- fire

Putesco- rot

Glaci- ice (or to freeze)

Tempus- time

oriri- rise


*Hope everyone liked my long prologue.*

It was pretty good, interesting. Just try to keep my corrections in mind; you have so many run-ons, inappropriate punctuation, and grammer errors, it's aggravating.

But other than that, good job!

thank you for the very great comment ^_^ I shouldn't write at 3am v_v

it was great

Only thing i noticed was -

A grin formed across his peach thin lips. Alida’s eyes widened, knowing what he was going to do. “Putesco.”

I got confused here, i wasn't quite sure who was saying it, i though maybe that Alida was speaking, like because she knew what he was going to do and sge wanted to shield herself + friends from it, even when i read on and saw

A dim green glow flew towards Ali, Alex, Crimson, Kegan, Kryssi, and Shelby.

I though it might be a shield whizzing toward them, i really wasn't sure.

I liked the golden Armour, the usage of Latin as the magic words and the large sword. Ah yes and why would the helmet have a glass visor? seems easy to break in battle and have shards of glass in your eyes.

Overall, I kinda liked it, but it'd need more hooks to make me want to read a whole book.

-GreenGiraffe

I liked this one. I mean it was a little confusing at first but I got into it anyways. I especially liked how you described what happened to the girls. One question: What is the story about anyways? I know if i keep reading I'll find out, but I want to know what its about. but i like your story...keep writing...
shadow Princess

Wow, intriguing and stunning!! Sorry, I don't have time for a nit-pick, but I'll just tell you that this is quite a work of art! And this was a dream??? You must be really lucky to get dreams like this!! I sure wish I would...
Here's just one question: did you use a translator for the Latin stuff or do you actually know the language? (the only word I understood was terra)
I personally think that you should continue this without hesitation, I'm on the edge of my seat here!!!
Mar sin leibh!
LordLoredaen

Thanks Shadow Princess and LordLoredaen for your kind commnets. I am really happy you guys like it so much. I am working on part 1 chapter one. For a little spoiler here is the part name and chapter name


Part 1
Saranyu

"seven individuals, one destiny"

Chapter 1
Priestess

Ello! The name's Irish and I must say *mouth falls open and she stares* You dreamt that?

That was really REALLY interesting! I loved it! Bravo my friend for having such an active imagination! I will say there were definitely some pointers that it was based off a dream like the giant eye and the random armor but hey dreams will be dreams!

Is the entire story your dream or was it just the prologue? And when you post the first part, please let me know because I would love to read it!! You are doing a fantastic job so far!

It makes me jealous that you can dream such profound things while I dream about guys I hate turning into fish

Again, awesome job and keep up the great work! *stars*

-Irish

thanks Irish ^_^

It was the weirdest thing ever! The dream seemed to actually happen, and it was only the prologue. I am glad you like it. Part 1 chapter 1 is almost done n_n