Dreams of Giants -- Chapter 7, Part 1

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The dock resumed its hustle and bustle not long after the second murder of the day had disrupted it. It was impossible, Mintrow, thought, to go anywhere without one of Galdiff''s cronies trying to do you in. If it weren't for Nareen's concise skills as a knife thrower, he might have had to confront the cutthroat head on. That would certainly have made things messy.
Mintrow had zoned out of Tian's monotonous haggling. He didn't know or care what the rugged red-haired boatman's latest offer was.
“You can have the boat for 250 golds. Are you even listening to me, Mintrow?” Tian asked. The jetty wobbled slightly, jerking Mintrow back to reality.
“Look,” Mintrow said, “I've offered you 200, all the gold I've got with me now. That offer is more than fair and you know it. It's fifty golds more than what the little boat's worth.”
“That's true,” Tian admitted, “but you're the one who needs the boat now. I could wait for tomorrow for somebody else. You on the other hand...”
“I don't have time for this Tian. Would you like me to make you one last offer?”
“I suppose that would be nice of you,” the stubborn boatman said.
Mintrow allowed his tunic to move aside just enough to reveal his pistol tucked into its holster. Tian visibly shook.
“I never thought you'd be one to threaten me,” Tian said, “ but I suppose you can have it for 200 golds if you want it that bad.”
“Much in the same way,” Mintrow replied curtly, “I never thought you'd be one to try to cheat me out of 100 golds. As it is, you've cheated me out of fifty.”
As Mintrow withdrew the bag of gold coins from his tunic, he noted the scowl on Tian's face. It served the bastard right. He dropped the bag into Tian's open hands.
“Thank you,” Tian said. Mintrow chose to ignore him, allowing the uncomfortable silence to grow thick.
“Untie the boat, Tian,” Mintrow said. He watched satisfactorily as Tian wordlessly obeyed. The lock that tied the boat to the jetty clicked as the latch came loose, and the boat started floating a little away from the jetty. “Thank you for obliging, Tian. I do appreciate it.”
At that moment, Nareen chose to rejoin his company. Mintrow noted her deliberate snubbing of Tian satisfactorily as she strode directly up to him.
“I got one,” she said. “The manufacturer said it would only last for an hour, though, so we'd best get moving.” Her hand revealed a clear glass orb. It was small enough to fit inside her finger tips and a silver flame danced inside it dangerously. Wisps dust seemed to swirl around it, as though they were being held there by some magnetic force
“Well done!” Mintrow said. “That was pretty fast.” he paused for a moment. “Anyway, Tian, it was a pleasure doing business with you, but we must be off now.”
“The pleasure was mine,” Tian said, failing in his attempt to sound pleasured.
“Good. Nareen, let's go,” Mintrow said.
He climbed into the small boat as the sail flapped carelessly in the air. The wooden deck was small, but it was adequate for four people, and would suit Mintrow's needs very well. The hull of the boat was rounded at its bottom and would provide for excellent maneuverability. Its tapered bow would make the boat just aerodynamic enough to allow the boat to cut through the river fast enough to reach the coast of Kavaria within the hour. Yes, it would do.
Nareen handed him the charmed orb. If the magic-dealer hadn't lied, it would last for an hour. If he had lied, they would need to take down the sail and row to Kavaria themselves. He slipped it into the little pouch in the sail that was shielded by metal on the one side. A steady stream of wind began to accumulate at the unshielded side of the orb, battering the sail and drawing the boat into the deep sea.
The boat rode through the waves, dancing on the surf leaving the port-island of Vileri behind. Sprays of foam-edged water shot up onto the deck as waves collided, merging into larger waves. There were still several ferries and boats in sight, aside from the usual large ships visible in the far distance. Many of them were likely to be trader-ships, and a select few were no doubt home to sea-pirates.
Vileri was a natural location for pirate ships. Actually, the pirates tended to lurk just far enough away from Vileri to avoid confrontation with any local law-enforcers, but near enough to be able to intercept boats or indeed small ships as they passed on their paths to other large and frequently visited cities.
It was rather lucky that Nareen had been able to procure the wind-orb. Without it, the boat would have bobbed aimlessly around the sea in such temperate conditions and would have been easy prey for any prospective pirates. The sea was unusually calm, and although the waves were ferocious, they were few beneath the overcast sky.
The Vileri shore disappeared over the horizon before the flame inside the orb flickered, and then burned out. The boat started to bob aimlessly around the sea.
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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Hey Yoday!

Back again! :P

The dock resumed its hustle and bustle not long after the second murder of the day had disrupted it. It was impossible - it it it, I'm sorry but it (:o) is kind of annoying. Try and think of another word to use or some other way to phrase this section perhaps.

“You can have the boat for 250 golds. Are you even listening to me, Mintrow?” - Perhaps add some ellipsis in here just to make it sound more like he was just talking away and then realised Mintrow wasn't paying attention. It would add a bit of life to the dialogue. So like "You can have the boat for 250 golds...are you even listening to me, Mintrow?". Someone on this site told me that normal punctuation rules don't necessarily apply in dialogue because you can use the punctuation to create life in the dialogue so it doesn't read so dead. Of course I don't mean to punctuation on either side of the dialogue :P

“I've offered you 200, all the gold I've got with me now. That offer is more than fair and you know it. It's fifty golds more than what the little boat's worth.” - "Look I've offered you 200. That's all I got...and it's more than that little boat is even worth!" - Just switched up the dialogue here and tried to add a little more character into it and less perfect English. You don't have to use it, it may not even fit your character but I just thought I would give you an example.

“I suppose that would be nice of you,” the stubborn boatman said. - Something as simple as "Try me." would probably be more effective here, perhaps even with a glint of mischief in his eye.

“I never thought you'd be one to threaten me,” Tian said, “ but I suppose you can have it for 200 golds if you want it that bad.” - I feel like the second part of this dialogue is a bit clunky, perhaps something like "200 golds it is." would be better. Not all your characters need to speak in such long eloquent sentences. Also for the character of the boat man who is haggling I feel like it doesn't really fit him. Plus at this point he kind of wants to get the trading out of the way, since Mintrow has a gun.

“The pleasure was mine,” Tian said, failing in his attempt to sound pleasured. - Perhaps you could refer to the money bag Mintrow gave him, as though that is the boatman's pleasure.

Dialogue/Character - I felt like the dialogue slipped a little here from the last chapter. It feels sort of like you didn't give the boatman enough consideration when writing this. Even if he was just supposed to be in this part of the story and will never appear again, you need to give him or other minor characters a personality. It was nearly coming through in the description but the dialogue kind of fell flat with him. I felt it was too proper for a merchant or a haggler. There wasn't enough mischief or a sense of untrustworthiness which I felt there should be. I think I kind of get that Mintrow does speak like that, like a gentlemen but there didn't seem to be enough urgency in his dialogue as I would think there should be. Yes you alluded to it in some parts but it didn't really come across through they way he said his dialogue. He was a bit too polite and not short enough with the boat men. If you want any help with dialogue, feel free to PM me anytime. I love dialogue!

Pacing - I felt the pacing was good here, it kind of felt like a stepping stone section but that is fine, you can't have every section be full of drama because that would get tiring. I like how you introduced a magical element more prominently in this section. I'm starting to get a sense of the world now and that magic is a fairly normal part of life in this world.

Overall - As usual your description is very good, just enough. I think the story is also progressing well and you are managing to keep a sort of tension all the way through your work, which is good, it keeps the reader on edge, waiting for something to happen, so keep that up!

Hope to read more soon!
Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki




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Master_Yoda wrote:The dock resumed its hustle and bustle not long after the second murder of the day had disrupted it. It was impossible, Mintrow,(<-- Comma?) thought, to go anywhere without one of Galdiff''s cronies trying to do you in.

“Untie the boat, Tian,” Mintrow said. He watched satisfactorily (<-- a real word, but okay...)as Tian wordlessly obeyed. At that moment, Nareen chose to rejoin his company. Mintrow noted her deliberate snubbing of Tian satisfactorily (<-- again?) as she strode directly up to him.

It was small enough to fit inside her finger tips (<-- inside?)and a silver flame danced inside (<-- inside again? Watch how many times you use the same word)it dangerously. Wisps(of?)dust seemed to swirl around it, as though they were being held there by some magnetic force(fullstop here)

It was very interesting! Loved every word. I even learnt a new one - satisfactorily. It is in fact a real word, as I found out after looking it up at Dictionary.com. A very interesting read. I should like to read more!!
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Greetings Master, I am here to review, as you requested.

Two main things, pace and repetition.

Yoda, the story gets interesting in a sentence but dies in the second. Maybe it's just me?

Master_Yoda wrote:The dock resumed its hustle and bustle not long after the second murder of the day had disrupted it. It...


Master_Yoda wrote: I could wait for tomorrow for somebody else.

Chance the first for.

Master_Yoda wrote:He watched satisfactorily as Tian wordlessly obeyed.


Master_Yoda wrote:Mintrow noted her deliberate snubbing of Tian satisfactorily as she strode directly up to him.


Master_Yoda wrote:Without it, the boat would have bobbed aimlessly around the sea

Master_Yoda wrote:The boat started to bob aimlessly around the sea.


Unless the last one was intended, the repitition kind of ruined the flow.

Otherwise it was a great piece. I'm having one problem though with the whole series: It feels like there's a missing link: How do these characters connect?

(How old is Panatar)

However, thank for the great read master.



I'm so confused I've Turned To erratic Capitalisation?
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