the lost

She wears a mask.
Hopeing it will last.

I see past the wall.
Hope she will not fall.

She is in an honors' class. Science.
Still she holds back in silence.

I want to help her.
I need to help her.

Together, at school, we have Latin.
Her esteem is quickly being flattened.

She says she's not intelligent.
I knew what this really meant.

I hear her say she's fine.
That response was once mine.

And i know it's just a lie.

I want to give her the love that she needs.
I know she needs it. The lost one was once me.

I tried to find the surface on my own.
My inner voice is still finding it's tone.

I long to feel.
I can only hope that this is real.

Howdy! This is my first review in a while, so if it's kind of bad, I apologize.

First order of business: the dreaded punctuation rant. Most people have too little punctuation marks, however I felt as though you could do with less, or maybe just change it around a little. Not every line has to end with a period. It makes the poem seem kind of choppy and disrupts the flow. My suggestion for punctuation would be this (I'm also going to add some other suggestions in bold):

She wears a mask,
Hoping it will last.

I see past the wall
And hope she will not fall.

She is in an honors' class. Science. I would just reword this line. It seemed very awkwardly phrased to me. Maybe something more like "She's in an honor's science class," with class on the next line.
Still she holds back in silence.

I want to help her.
I need to help her.

Together, at school, we have Latin. I would get rid of the commas.
Her esteem is quickly being flattened.

She says she's not intelligent,
I knew what this really meant.

I hear her say she's fine,
That response was once mine.

And i know it's just a lie. The format of the poem suddenly changes here. You should try to have the same number of lines in each stanza. It also throws off the rhyme scheme.

I want to give her the love that she needs.
I know she needs it, the lost one was once me. Didn't quite get what you meant in that last part.

I tried to find the surface on my own.
My inner voice is still finding it's tone.

I long to feel.
I can only hope that this is real.

One other thing that I noticed was the rhythm. I couldn't exactly figure out how the poem was supposed to flow. This is probably because of 1) the punctuation and 2) the lines were different lengths. You should try to make the length of the lines pretty uniform throughout.

All in all, this was a good poem, and I like the idea behind it. It just needs a little bit of work.

Hi.

My first thought was on the actual idea of the poem. It seemed the last few stanzas were focusing on you, and not the subject of the poem, her.

There needs to be rhythm in a poem. Although there's no rhythm that I can see within the stanzas, I could see that you were keeping two lines to each.

And i know it's just a lie. This line doesn't fit.

The spelling has been covered so I'll leave that be.
Just one last thing - I noticed your name. I don't like cliches either, so I'll point some out here in the poem. They are in red.

I want to help her.
I need to help her. It's been said so many times before.

She says she's not intelligent.
I knew what this really meant. Something less mundane like

"She says she's not intelligent,
She's a liar, quick to invent."

I want to give her the love that she needs.
I know she needs it. The lost one was once me. I like the last bit because it shows why she needs you, but the first bit is just repeating what you've said all along.

I long to feel.
I can only hope that this is real. I am sure you can do better than that for a closing stanza. Finishing it off with something about her would make the poem have some sense.

You seem to have an imaginative mind, but you need to go with it. Try explaining the feelings and things you see instead of just stating what it is you're doing or feeling.

How do you want her? what does she make you feel? think?

It's a good poem that could be worked on.
Try and make it more original and exciting for the reader.

Good luck. =)

In Silico

hi there
I don't really like this for the reason that the rhyme is boring.
fine mine, etc
repetitive.
I don't really get this, something about a girl.
sorry i could not be more help

Vera

um lets see here... o you need to be more descriptive. i was reading and almost fell asleep, well i am lying in bed, but thats not the point.

i get bored just reading anyway...

sorry i dont have much else to say.

i realy dont see why you need to repeat so much.

Hi there! (:

There is not much to be added to the reviewers before me. However, I have a little idea for you:

People before me have mentioned the rhyme. And they are right to say that it is not creative. But, to go even further, when I read your poem I immediately get the feeling that you built every single second line of a couplet simply on the rhyme. To me, it feels like your work process was as follows:

1. Put your feelings into one sentence, e.g.

She wears a mask.

[It may be a cliché, but it is an okay line.]

2. Think of a rhyme for "mask", e.g. last.

3. Build a sentence around last, e.g.

Hoping it will last.

Proceeding this way, you try to force your feelings into a scheme into which they simply do not fit (yet?) because they are too indefinite. So my advice for you would be: Rewrite it, not giving a damn about rhyme. And maybe avoid the rhyme issues for a while in your poetry. As you get more advanced in expressing your thoughts and feelings beautifully, you can approach the difficult issue of rhyming (and maybe metre, too.)

Have fun with that (;
Greetings