Monster

He was a sweet young boy
His name was Kevin
Killed by a monster
The year he turned seven

He rode his bike
He played games with jacks
The town couldn't save him
Because of the enforcement they lack

Worse he had ever done,
Was take an extra sweet
This little boy fought
but he soon was beat

This child's last wish
To stop this disaster
It's name, you ask
It's name was Cancer


~~The poem was dedicated to the casualities of Childhood Cancer~~

Hey, it's Hawkie, and I'll be your reviewer today.

First of all, welcome to YWS!

Second of all, your review.

He was a sweet young boy
Just turned seven
Killed by a monster
His name was Kevin

This sounds very awkward. In fact, the last two lines almost make it sound like the monster's name was Kevin, which I'm sure is something you don't want at all. I'd revise it as something to this effect: "He was a sweet young boy/ His name was Kevin/ Killed by a monster/ The year he turned seven."

Because of the enforcement they lacked

This line is out of the flow of the rest of the poem. The other lines are short and snappy, but this one goes on and on. Trim it.

Worse he had ever done,

Should be "the worst he had ever done."

but alas he was beat

Okay, okay, I know "alas" is a word expressing regret, but it's so old-fashioned that it's become comical. Whenever I hear it I think of Professor Dumbledore. Don't use it in a poem like this.

This child's last wish
To stop this disaster

Should be "This child's last wish was to stop this disaster."

It's name, you ask
It's name was Cancer

Should be "its." "It's" is the contraction for "it is." "Its" is the possessive.

This was a pretty nice poem. I like the way you write and utilize rhyme. However, forgive me if I'm harsh, but it's cliche. What we have is a child dying of cancer, which is of course very sad, but if you really want to tug on a reader's heartstrings you need to use more than generic sadness. Give him something that will make him more endearing than just the usual bright-eyed, sorrowful, cute little kid. Really think about how you can make the base idea - a dying child - something of your very own.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Fantastic! A lovely poem you've written!

i could only find two flaws in the poem...

Killed by a monster
His name was Kevin

.

i had to read this line again because they got a little confusing. it seems as if the monster's name was Kevin.

This child's last wish
To stop this disaster

shouldn't it be "This child's last wish was to stop this disaster" ?

I loved your poem. i couldn't guess at first who the monster was!

and, welcome at Young Writer's Society! keep writing equally captivating poems and stories and soon you will turn out to be the most read writer here!

I thought that this was a nice short poem. The main problem that I encountered has already been addressed by Hawkie. The first stanza does read like the monster's name is Kevin (imagine my brief confusion when I thought that you named the cancer Kevin).
I like the conciseness of this poem. It increases the impact that the poem makes.

At first, I was very judgmental about how short this poem was, but in the end, I was convinced this worked well for you. At first I thought this was a story about a kid and a monster, but when it turned out to be cancer, it definitely increased this poem's impact. I liked it, but I do feel something was missing.

Hawkie wrote:Hey, it's Hawkie, and I'll be your reviewer today.

First of all, welcome to YWS!

Second of all, your review.

He was a sweet young boy
Just turned seven
Killed by a monster
His name was Kevin

This sounds very awkward. In fact, the last two lines almost make it sound like the monster's name was Kevin, which I'm sure is something you don't want at all. I'd revise it as something to this effect: "He was a sweet young boy/ His name was Kevin/ Killed by a monster/ The year he turned seven."

Because of the enforcement they lacked

This line is out of the flow of the rest of the poem. The other lines are short and snappy, but this one goes on and on. Trim it.

Worse he had ever done,

Should be "the worst he had ever done."

but alas he was beat

Okay, okay, I know "alas" is a word expressing regret, but it's so old-fashioned that it's become comical. Whenever I hear it I think of Professor Dumbledore. Don't use it in a poem like this.

This child's last wish
To stop this disaster

Should be "This child's last wish was to stop this disaster."

It's name, you ask
It's name was Cancer

Should be "its." "It's" is the contraction for "it is." "Its" is the possessive.

This was a pretty nice poem. I like the way you write and utilize rhyme. However, forgive me if I'm harsh, but it's cliche. What we have is a child dying of cancer, which is of course very sad, but if you really want to tug on a reader's heartstrings you need to use more than generic sadness. Give him something that will make him more endearing than just the usual bright-eyed, sorrowful, cute little kid. Really think about how you can make the base idea - a dying child - something of your very own.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Thanks I fixed that! I am so appreciatve of your critique not offended.

Sad ending man. But as for the poem it needs to be put in a poem book for kids battling cancer. i love it totally jasmine and i want you to write more!!!! i love this your in my top writers list #7. u have great writing. im sad.

this poem sounds like it is scary i really like it cool

this poem seems poorly written, with bad rhymes at first. i couldn't really tell why somebody would bother writing about a boy getting caught by a giant monster. but then when you revealed that the monster was cancer, i was stunned. you caught me there! anyway, i think you shouldn't try so hard to achieve perfect poetry. poems don't have to rhyme, you know. you might want to try free verse some time...i find it's much easier than rhymed poetry, and it has less boundaries of word choice. still, you picked a good topic and a pretty cool way to portray it!

I like how you introduced the "Monster" and revealed at the end that it was cancer. I love when I read/watch something that has an ending that makes you look at the whole thing in a different way when you read/watch it again (what I hope they do with Lost! lol)

Pretty well-written after the corrections the first few people made. Keep up the good work!

Hello!
You took this story and brought it to the audience in a very unique way. I like how my mind raced throughout the story trying to figure out what was happening. When you get to the end and find out Kevin had cancer it changes the whole meaning of the poem, causing me to read it again. Bravo!

I like the feelings behided the poem. It's a poem that gets people really thinking about things. There isn't much that is wrong. I don't know if any of it is wrong. I think is a good poem for people to read. I like this poem and it will make me think differently.

Woah, didn't see that one coming. I was expecting a dark but humorous poem when I saw

He was a sweet young boy
His name was Kevin
Killed by a monster
The year he turned seven

(Which was my favorite part, by the way) but was very surprised at the ending. Not a bad surprised, it was pretty good, and sad, and mildly depressing, but really good.

So yeah, I guess I like it then.
Emily

I have to agree with Lemonly. The first four lines were my favorite in the poem, they were just worded well. I like how you kept the whole cancer is the monster until the last line. So all in all, I really enjoyed it.
Lola