Always Aislynn Part 1 (PG-13)

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This is my entry for Stella's Retell Me A Fairytale contest. It's a Cinderella retell, and I hope you like it. But remember, the plot isn't mine, it's the fairy tale's [; Rated PG-13 for language. It's too long for a whole post, so it's an attachment. A review is needed, thank you! Do not forget about part two. Or three.

P.S: Each one are going to have italicizing issues, this isn't going to stay that way. I wrote this in italics, not regular so yeah.

_____________

Aislynn Ella Callaghan scrubbed the floor with such a force, her fingers started to ache. She knew the tears stained her face, leaving the truth behind to mark her as careless. The floor already gleamed from her work, she had no need to continue. Yet she did. To make everything okay between them, okay between her and her stepfather. But nothing made him happy, she was the leftover, the one left by someone he once loved. The thought made Aislynn cringe.

“Are you even finished, Asslynn?” Her stepsister spat with venom, destroying her name with crude language.

“For your information, yeah, can’t you tell?” She said calmly. “What’s it to you?"

“I’ll tell Dad you snapped at me, he won’t like that much now will he?” She made Aislynn feel small, not needed in this world. But her mother’s hope settled into her, telling her she has what it takes to survive in her hell.

“He is not my father, Madison.” She spat.

“Just shut up, why don’t you?” She flipped her hair, and went out the backdoor.

“Sure,” Aislynn whispered.

She stood from the floor and stretched, releasing her muscles that ached from being on the floor too long. Emptying the water outside, she decided to go and take a shower. She felt grimy from cleaning all day. But first, she went to make sure everyone was busy with something so she wouldn’t be bothered while she did so.

Knocking gently on her other step sister’s door, she found her sleeping peacefully. Aislynn had to admit, she was jealous of her. She could do as she liked, and not care about the consequences. But Aislynn had to, or else she’d get hurt. She closed the door gently and headed towards the bathroom to take a quick shower.

Testing the water with her finger, she got the temperature just right. In between cool and hot, perfect. The water streamed over her, and she sighed. It felt as though the water was cleansing her of all her worry. But deep down she knew that it wasn’t okay.

Within ten minutes, she was finished taking her shower. Now she stood in the kitchen preparing dinner for the family, which would be taken un-thankfully. Tempting stood the cleaning supplies under the counters, she wanted to poison the food and kill them all. The thought quickly washed away as the oven’s heat misted over her. That was the only family, if you say, that she had. She couldn’t do any harm. Frankly, she could, but she decided against it.

“So Aislynn is dinner ready yet?” David, her step father, spoke gently to her. His alcohol breath settling on her face. She wouldn’t and couldn’t be fooled when he was like this. It was all a tease, a way to make her think that he was kind and sweet. Aislynn learned to not fall for it this time. Last time, she had bruises for days.

“Yes, Sir.” David had a way of thinking that Aislynn was his servant rather than his step daughter therefore, she called him sir.

“Great. Go and get the girls once you’re finished with that. Whenever you do anyway.” He scowls and heads for the fridge. The clanking of beer bottles rings in her ears like an annoying song being played over and over.

Seeing that the casserole had about five more minutes she went to find her step sisters. They were total opposite, Madison was the worse of the two. She was everything but kind to Aislynn, and never had manners. Dakota was the opposite of her sister. She’s a kind mannered, nice, and caring person. Don’t ask me where she was raised like that because her twin and even her father were rude and demanding. Aislynn thought it was her mother, before she died of breast cancer. Secretly she thought Dakota liked her, even loved her as a real sister, because she dealt with the negative energy given off by her father. She was expected to treat Aislynn Ella as a nobody, someone not to be worried about. Dakota never stopped though.

Aislynn decided that she would deal with the worse of her “family” first, to get them out of her way. The door you see when you enter the hallway, covered in fashion magazines was Madison’s room. Hesitating slightly, she banged on the door.

“What!” Madison screamed.

“There’s no need to be so loud. Are you hungry or not? Your father wants you at the dining table.” She pointed to the steps that led to the dining room.

“Yeah whatever.” Madison groaned and threw the magazine she was reading onto the floor. She walked to where Aislynn stood and pushed her away. “Stay out of the way, bitch.”

“Whatever,” she whispers with her own venom.

“Hi, Daddy.” She heard Dakota say to her father. Aislynn rolled her eyes at the fake consideration, and let out a curse.

Walking the not so familiar hallway, Dakota’s room sits in the center. Knocking on the hard wood, she heard a soft ‘come in’. Dakota’s room was magical. The walls were plastered with her own music sheets, beautiful compositions she hopes one day will make it big. The light from the evening hour shines in all the right angles illuminating the lavish lavender walls.

“Oh, hey Aislynn. What can I do for you?” She looked back down at her work, and waited for her to reply back. Aislynn notices what she’s working on, a piece called Lonely Aislynn. As Dakota noticed, she placed the sheets under her pillow. “It’s a surprise,” she smiled ruefully.

“I bet it is. David wants you at the dinner table.”

“Alright, come with?” She grabbed her arm gently and looped it through Dakota’s own.
Together, the two girls found their way to the kitchen dining table. The look on Daniel and Madison’s face was priceless. A look of disgust and anger. Dakota gives Aislynn a reassuring smile and nod.

“She’ll be eating with us, for all you care.” Her father’s grim expression never leaves throughout the whole meal. She wasn’t used to eating at the dinner table with them for she was never considered a part of their three person family. She was always left in her room, or living room. As long as she was away from there. It sickened both Dakota and herself.

Dinner was awkward for Aislynn, never had it been so much tension in the air. As soon as she was finished eating and the dishes were finished, she ran to her room. And didn’t come out until the next morning, where she would be gone from this house. At her safe haven, school.

*

“Aislynn. Aislynn, wake up. Right now.” The gentle hand shook her and tried to wake her up, but the night had worn her out. “Please?”

She struggled to open her eyes, and when she did, she found a make-up covered fully dressed Dakota. “Yeah?” She asked groggily.

“It’s five thirty. You know that stupid requirement. You have to make breakfast for Madison. I already ate.” The chestnut hair fell into her face and Dakota pulled it back.

Aislynn was full awake after Madison’s name was heard. Her step sister was backing out slowly. “Thanks, Kota.” She gave her a nod and left for her room again.

Throwing on a pair of jeans and a vintage tee-shirt, Aislynn waited for her straightening iron to heat up, tapping her foot quickly. If she didn’t get any breakfast for Madison and make coffee for David who knows what would happen. Finding the iron hot, she swiftly ran it over the curled parts of her natural blonde hair, and yanked the plug out.

She ran down the steps careful to make sure she didn’t trip. Luckily Madison wasn’t up quite yet and she had time to make her favorite breakfast. Coffee with a tablespoon of sugar and a splash of milk, with two pieces of toast. Aislynn never had breakfast at home, she had to catch something at school because everyone needed something from her.

The car ride to school was a quick one and she quickly parked next to a convertible that looked red enough to be a cherry. The loud talking and laughing were a welcome sign as she entered the atrium. The good thing along with not being around David would be she’s in advanced placement, and the twins weren’t smart enough. The cafeteria was ten times the more loud, so she grabbed a muffin and milk and hurriedly left.

“Hey there, Aisly.” She looked up and saw a towering boy with highlighted blonde hair and the greenest eyes possible. The boy was Aiden. The only one who understood her on levels only her dead parents could compete on. A smile played at Aislynn’s lips, and a burst of happiness flooded her body. The only time she was truly happy was when she was with Aiden, the boy she secretly loved but couldn’t tell.

“Hey Aiden.” She finished her milk and patted the empty seat next to her. He causally sat down next to her, a little close for her comfort, but she didn’t mind. In fact, she welcomed it.

“So how much time can you stay with me?” She blushed.

In return, he just smiled. “Ten minutes to be precise.” For effect, he looked at an imaginary clock on his wrist.

She had laughed at that. Aiden smiled even bigger to know he made her smile. “So we’re running on imaginary clocks now? How come I didn’t get the memo?” She punched him playfully, and he grabbed her arm and looked down. Her stomach dropped. He was going to see it, he was going to see the yellowing bruises.

“Aislynn.” She didn’t look at him, instead she fixed her eyes on the group of football players teasing with a freshman. They whooped and hollered as the kid ran away. She knew exactly what he felt like. “Aislynn Ella!”

She forced herself to face Aiden and stared at him with her hazel eyes. Which were distant and unmoving. “What?” She said bluntly, wishing he’d let go of her arm.

“What is this? Was it David?” Something changed in his green eyes. Something despiteful. Something dead serious. Hate. “Tell me,” he added in a whisper.

“Nothing, I just fell outside.” She lied and he knew it. His eyes didn’t shift back to normal, and his grip tightened a little. He wanted the truth. “I deserved it. I really did.”

His hand dropped. “No you didn’t. You don’t deserve any of this.” He punched the locker that resided next to him. Clearly pissed. “I hate him.”

“You and me both,” she said. She pulled him back towards her and traced his back with gentle finger. He tensed at first, then relaxed. Only Aislynn knew how angry he could get, and only she knew how to calm him. “I promise I’m okay.”

What happened next surprised them both. He grabbed her into a hug, and it felt like lightening running through her body. She yearned for his touch, the rhythm of his beating heart against hers, she felt protected in his arms. She rested her head on his chest, and in return he placed his chin lightly on her head. “No, swear to me.”

“I can’t. You don’t know him, you don’t.” Her voice quivered.

“I’ll promise, I will do something about him.” Anger rose in his tone.

“Yeah, you’ve tried. It didn’t work, remember?” She remembered the time when they were both twelve. Aislynn had bruises on her neck, and he couldn’t take it. He went to the police about it, but they dismissed it. You’d think cops have more sense than that.

“I was twelve, I’m seventeen now. They’ll listen.”

“Only time will tell. I have Economics. Meet me after school?” She asked him, he gave her a tight smile, and nodded.

“Till then.” Then he was off to his own classes.


_________

Too long, I know. Sorry!
Last edited by KayKel16 on Wed Sep 30, 2009 3:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
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Hey :D

First off, I love it. It's not a happy story but the parts of it when Aislynn is happy, you write in a way that makes me understand how she is feeling and you make her happiness and those emotions she feels with the guy really relate -able. And I just think that makes a great story and great characters when you can relate to them. And you really do that awesomely in the parts where she is more relaxed and happy, though I think you could do more when her self esteem is being crushed by this family she lives with.

I did notice a couple grammar things you could fix:
Therefore, that’s why she called him sir.

I think having both "therefore" and "that's why" in one sentence directly after one another makes it a little awkward to read and not smoothly flowing, as I like to say. Try leaving out the "that's why" and combining the whole thing to the previous sentence with a ;

“You and me both,” she said. She pulled him back towards her and traced his back with a gently finger.

Here you use "gently" in adverb form, but it should be an adjective since you are talking bout the finger. Or you can rephrase it so "gently" describes how she is touching him, like "traced his back gently with a finger"

I can't think of anything else grammar wise as I'm writing this so yeah.
I also thought that the scene in the shower, you wrote some basic ideas of how she's feeling and really described it, I just think that is an opportunity place to really get into her character and go deeply into how this makes her feel refreshed from her life.

I loved it and I'm definitely gonna read the continuing. :)
-Rosalie




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Hey, there! I saw your story and thought I'd give you some advice for Stella's contest. ^^

This story was epically cute. xD I love Cinderella, let alone fairytales, and throwing them into real life can be tricky when it comes to originality. Your story here though closely resembles the fairytale while not being the fairytale itself; thus, you definitely have something going here!

One thing that may let you down in the contest during the judging process: Characters. The characters you have are only skeletons of what we should really see.

For example, take Dakota. She's supposed to be the sweet and caring one of the three, and yet she just seems like cardboard. Fleshing her out and giving hints as to why she acts that way would give her more umph to her character. Sure, it's probably because she feels sorry for Aislynn, but would her dad really not reprimand Dakota? Right now, she just seems like an forced ray of hope. Show us her relationship with Madison and David.

The second character I want to especially mention is Aiden. (I adore that name, by the way!) From a reader's standpoint, it's pretty clear that he's the prince charming. I was actually really happy at first 'cause he seemed like a normal guy friend. Like.. I was beyond happy. And then things got awkward when he got defensive and I felt it was too fast for me to comprehend, as a reader. For a first impression, I think we should see either the BFF part of him or the protective Prince Charming, but not both. Since they're seeing each other after school, you can introduce the second part of him there. (What I suggest is introducing Aiden as a friend so that the reader can feel better for Aislynn and suddenly hope that those two end up together because they're so perfect for each other anyway. Then when they see each other after school, the reader sees the protective Aiden and suddenly wants to marry Aiden themselves; and this way, the readers can see why Aiden is so protective of Aislynn.)

Thirdly is your main character, Aislynn. She's obviously going to be a tough girl to put up with all this child abuse, so definitely keep her that way. (Besides, who doesn't want a tough girl MC?) I think Aislynn's thoughts on everything are being told to us a bit too much though. If you show us what she's thinking using facial expressions or body tension/language, it'll feel more natural to the reader. I also think you should try to introduce her thoughts about the whole child abuse thing much sooner instead of just showing us she's putting up with it. She definitely has feelings for her real parents, so mentioning that could help a great deal. Where you ended by calling school a "haven" was freaking fantastic and I'm downright proud of you for that one! =)

I'll stop there for now. I think once you get to know your characters and flesh them out in the story, you'll be good to go; and it's especially important in the beginning of a short story. You have very little time to introduce them, so you want to introduce them as best as you can, giving the exact impression of them you want the reader to have!

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to PM me. This story has great potential, and I hope you do well in Stella's contest!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
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When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb