Captive *Prologue*

Hey. This is a story based on a script I started writing a couple years ago. It's kinda gory later and it has historical fiction and horror in it so I just put it here. Anyway. Enjoy! I enjoy being critiqued hard if necessary! Thank you!


Prologue

How could I have not thought my life would end tragically? How could I not have seen that she was the cause of my death? Why was I blinded, by his…his amazing features and charming personality? Why didn’t I not see…he was the reason I made that mistake. He was the reason, my sister was gone, and he was the reason, I’m still here 233 years later?
Not able to feel. Not able to taste. Not able to love. Only able to be filled with sins. Envy, Greed. Only able to want to kill, and get revenge.
Yes. I’m still here. I’m still here as a sixteen year old. After 233 years. I’ve been here, waiting for you. Waiting, to kill you. Waitng, to get revenge over what is mine. Waiting, to be set free from this hell.
Take me away, let God take me away, and let me kill you before I go. Let me drown you in the lake like the others. It will be fast and not painful. Just come in the cool water for a moment. Only a moment, and you will be plunged into a world of happiness. One that I shall never reach. One that I shall be thrust down from.
Come in, the water’s fine and so will be your death. Just wade a foot, and you will be with me, happy for a moment, and then a sudden shock, and then happy once again. Come, and be happy forever, in the palace behind the pearly white gates.

hey, it was a nice prologue...
But i feel that if you expand the story and start writing its chapters, it will become much better...

only able to be filled with sins

this was my favorite line in the story.

Hey there, I'm Jet. Don't believe we've "met", as such. I'm not a big fan of the emotes before the piece; doesn't really endear you to some serious reviewers, but anyway, I can't crit your intro. ^_^

Okay, this is short for a prologue. Think about it now. Do you really need a prologue? Is it necessary for your novel? If you struggle to answer those questions, make a list of the reasons you chose to have a prologue, or the ways it contributes to the story. I've just searched the site for you, and I think this article would really help you out. It's just a discussion of what a prologue is and why one's used. Does yours fit the criteria?

Now, moving on to nitpicks.

How could I have not thought my life would end tragically?

This is an awkward opening line, because of the negative. I'd mess around with this, maybe changing it to "happily" and therefore taking out the negative completely, or just trying to get rid of that stubborn little "not" in there. It throws the flow off already.

How could I not have seen that she was the cause of my death?

Ditto.

Why was I blinded, by his…his amazing features and charming personality?

Ellipsis would work better as a dash here. Try to think about what you're trying to get across. The ellipsis basically serves the same purpose as one of those long drawn-out "um"s, whereas the dash is a clean cut of the sentence and a pause. Which do you want?

Why didn’t I not see

Watch these negatives! Cut the "not".

He was the reason, my sister was gone, and he was the reason, I’m still here 233 years later?

Tense switch much? I have no idea what tense you're trying to tell this in, but try to keep it relatively uniform, and be careful to think about when your character's remembering things and when your character's merely stating facts. Her sister's still gone, right? Think about whether you need past tense or present as a result.

Only able to be filled with sins.

Only able to want to kill, and get revenge.

Again, this is awkward with the "only able". Mess with it.

Waitng, to get revenge over what is mine.

Typo on "waiting". Also, this is the point where those short sentences you're using become boring. You can't make an entire prologue out of fragments. It just gets boring to read. Mix up your sentence structure and don't use the same technique all the way through.

Come in, the water’s fine and so will be your death.

Again, awkward. Your death will be fine? I'd just cut it.

Just wade a foot,

This is a bit awkward too. "Just come in" works better, with the repetition.

Having said that, this prologue suffers from basically repeating itself. Every sentence you write, you repeat, and all of them are written in much the same way. It's a common technique that can work quite well in moderation, but not through an entire prologue. Fragments are nice, but not that nice, and they get boring to read. The adrenaline you hope to build gets dulled after the first couple of paragraphs of this.

Watch the negatives and the awkward flow. That's the other effect too many fragments and too much repetition has: a very, very jerky pace. Read this aloud, and you'll see what I mean. When you draw a breath, your short sentences will cut it off before you've even exhaled. That's okay sometimes, but not in this excess.

So, plot. Vampires? Well, this seems like it's not all that sparkly, so you could go with it. I think you need to work on this prologue, though, or even scrap it: not because it's terrible - it isn't that bad, and you can use grammar - but because it might be unnecessary. Obviously I don't know the rest of the story, so only you can make that decision. Mull it over, and PM me, reply to this thread, whatever, if you need some clarification or more advice.

I really liked this prologue! Obviously it is something to do with vampires, but like someone else said, they're not all sparkly and such. It seems like you've got a good story plot here, and although I'm not good with picking out the minor mistakes, I will say that I liked your descriptions and emotions that came with this piece. Good work! I hope to read more.