Rememberance Peak

Another piece of yesterday is gone
A good looking face in an old photograph
but life marches on.
Talk about nothing else for at least a week.
Some people joke and some people cry
but they all still speak.
And carefully leave out the bleak
Rememberance Peak

What did they do in 1982?
Where were you when Elvis died trousers and shoes
What did you do?
You followed thier life and death in the paper
Thier recent successes and sucessive weddings
and sordid behaviour.
Read all about them in Heat.
Rememberance Peak

A generation of men laid dying in trenches
To give you a life of reading the strifes of
complete and total strangers.
Thier only idolized aslong as their in favour
To the great few, whatever the truth
I guess loyalties never waver.
A war-time kiss on the cheek.
Rememberance Peak.

The point is we all like to feel
where part of the world when really
we are all ostracized.
Faces at the window.
Increased sale of blinds to try cover up
the private side.
A life of hide and seek.
Rememberance Peak.




thankyouthankyouthankyou

This is a good solid poem and is definitely interesting. I caught myself rereading some of the more subtle phrases to try and understand their meaning. The one thing you need to do is divide the stanza's better.

I know this goes a bit into the area of rewriting, but this is how I read it anyway, and I think most people will. Here is what I mean:

Another piece of yesterday is gone
A good looking face in an old photograph
but life marches on.

Talk about nothing else for at least a week.
Some people joke and some people cry
but they all still speak.

And carefully leave out the bleak
Rememberance Peak

What did they do in 1982?
Where were you when Elvis died trousers and shoes
What did you do?

You followed thier life and death in the paper
Thier recent successes and sucessive weddings
and sordid behaviour.

Read all about them in Heat.
Rememberance Peak

A generation of men laid dying in trenches
To give you a life of reading the strifes of
complete and total strangers.

Thier only idolized aslong as their in favour
To the great few, whatever the truth
I guess loyalties never waver.

A war-time kiss on the cheek.
Rememberance Peak.

The point is we all like to feel
where part of the world when really
we are all ostracized.

Faces at the window.
Increased sale of blinds to try cover up
the private side.

A life of hide and seek.
Rememberance Peak.

If you don't want to, this is the kind of area were you can say, no I like it better like that because this is more opinion. I say this only out of opinion.

Here are the smaller things:

What did they do in 1982?
Where were you when Elvis died trousers and shoes
What did you do?

This stanza is very vague and leaves me scratching my head. Fix it up or scrap it.

The only other thing is that you spell their wrong throughout the poem.


SO overall, even though it's technicality's were quite a bit muddled, it still has a very powerful message, and it's on that weight that I give you an 90/100 and a star.

Just fix their.

Hi.
The biggest problem I see is spelling. "Thier" should be their*, and "Rememberance" should be Remembrance.

jimishine wrote:Where were you when Elvis died trousers and shoes

Like Lukas8u, this line makes no sense to me.

jimishine wrote:Thier only idolized aslong as their in favour

*Here you have the wrong "their." These should be "They're" short for "they are". They are only idolised as long as they are in favour. Also, I find it interesting that here you have the British spelling of "favour" but not of "idolised".

jimishine wrote:The point is we all like to feel
where part of the world when really

Where should be "We're" short for "We are". We are part of the world.

So, the spelling drove me crazy, but the poem is not bad. This poem makes me think, which is good. I think that is the most important role of an writer--to make people think. Good job.

--McMourning

I liked it! It was interesting, and I like some of the other readers found myself going back and reading it. Other than the spelling mistake that has already been pointed out I think you did a good job, I don't think I would correct/change anything about it.

keep writing!