garage sale

ran by

until my feet turn
into a reality u-turn
i step toward your shadow
expanded till the bottom of your foot

as one we moved
as one we left
as one we were happy
as one we broke every twig we stepped on
like a canary learning to sing
dreams of how much happiness he would bring
to the forest of an endless spring
didn't know how much sadness to himself he would bring
nor we did

Tomorrow

and the accent you spoke
could never be more scratched
and the empty useless breaths
could never be more hollow
"Tomorrow" you said
tomorrow was never unfolded in the presents
while a piercing cold sinks in the morrow

Hi.
I suppose these are three separate poems in a collection titled "Garage Sale", but this title means nothing to me. It does not unify the poems.

Chronoli wrote:didn't know how much sadness to himself he would bring
nor we did

I liked "Twigs" the best, because it is unusual. But, these lines stand out from the rest though. They are not written in the same style. The first is a very long line with many syllables, unlike most of the others.
Also, "nor we did" does not have any meaning to me. Simply end with, Didn't know the sadness he would bring.

Chronoli wrote:tomorrow was never unfolded in the presents

What? Do you mean tomorrow never unfolded into the present?

These are interesting poems, but I think your wording needs to be changed a little. Read them aloud to yourself. I know people say that all the time, but I know that it works for me.

--McMourning

nice one! though i feel it could have been a little better...

McMourning wrote:Hi.
I suppose these are three separate poems in a collection titled "Garage Sale", but this title means nothing to me. It does not unify the poems.

Chronoli wrote:didn't know how much sadness to himself he would bring
nor we did

I liked "Twigs" the best, because it is unusual. But, these lines stand out from the rest though. They are not written in the same style. The first is a very long line with many syllables, unlike most of the others.
Also, "nor we did" does not have any meaning to me. Simply end with, Didn't know the sadness he would bring.

Chronoli wrote:tomorrow was never unfolded in the presents

What? Do you mean tomorrow never unfolded into the present?

These are interesting poems, but I think your wording needs to be changed a little. Read them aloud to yourself. I know people say that all the time, but I know that it works for me.

--McMourning

thanks man
really appreciated
what you supposed is correct
i agree with the opinion that if i need to explain then i failed
when i titled it "garage sale" i was trying to create the image of the variety of crappy useless things
as it seems i failed but in some sense it worked O.o
thanks again

baron.vrinda wrote:nice one! though i feel it could have been a little better...

sorry but can you elaborate ?