The Absence of Wind -Revised 1(Prologue)

Hey.

A few questions to focus on (please ):
1)What does the halo near the beginning represent?
2)Do you understand the end of section 2?
3)Does it provoke any 'feeling'?

These are to let me know if i am conveying what i attempted to convey and help me decide whether the halo part needs removal and whether the end of section 2 needs further clarification.

__________________________

Prologue

I don’t know or care how bad your life is. Mine is worse. Want to know why? I live in Cade, the most backwards, out of the way ‘city’ this side of hell. Or maybe it had just risen out of hell and nobody noticed.
Too short, faded, coal black trousers restricted my well honed ability to escape the ever present crisis, trying to survive the night scarred and scathed yet innocent. Un-christened in the horrors of which I had barely escaped with halo askew but intact too often. My bare feet stung sharply each time they slapped against the tiled rooftops. Behind me, too close behind me, male laughter reached forward nearly drowned out by the normal screaming roar of life in hell. Despite the early hours, Cade didn’t sleep. Cade never slept.
“We’re gonna get you this time baby. You’ll enjoy it. Promise.” I could hear the smirk in his tone. Raphiel Marethen, the smartest of the dumb.
Enjoy it? I would kill myself before I let him, or anyone else, get a finger on me.
I could see Maeth now, the poorest part of the city. My haven. The tiles there are too thin to hold any of the big guys, perhaps some of the smaller ones but they had stopped coming for us after Barry’s body turned up eyeless. I didn’t do it. But they didn’t know that and if I played my cards right, rigged the deck and practised my cold blooded killer face, they never would. By ‘us’ I mean my best friend June and I.
Raphiel was right; I wasn’t going to make it. Four years of running and I wasn’t going to make it.
I leapt from roof to roof as several sets of lungs laboured behind me, drawing ever closer.
My back and shoulders itched and tingled, no man had been within two metres of me for four years; it must be like an allergic reaction or something.
Fear swelled between my breasts bedeviling my rational mind. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins as panic set in and I split from my normal route to Maeth heading towards Sumian, the historical district. June and I never entered the crucible of Sumian, sticking to the more open quarters where few houses were above single story making for easy travelling and lots of open ground to see a threat well before it’s shadowy fingers could scar and stain your soul. If you were paying attention anyway.

Cade’s historical district stretched well above the one or two story norm, averaging four high though some stretched up into the immeasurable night, absent any trace of moon or star.
I reached the cusp of Sumian. Tiles turned to stone, chimneys to chipped feet where all manner of ornamental fixtures stood in ages past. I continued beyond the outskirts into the un-beating heart of Cade’s history. Only dust stirred on the wind, mingling with sweat, dripping down my itching back through my shoulder length short amber waves, matting them against my neck. I rushed on, vaulting bodily into building after antiquated building using old mason’s sharp handiwork to drag myself up the rough, weathered stone. The echoes of pursuit faded as, panting with muscles on the verge of explosion, I heaved myself onto an immense roof. This was the highest I’d ever been, exhilaration sparked but failed to catch, dampened against the sickening fear. My heart slowed as panic faded and despite the agony in my muscles the scrapes, bruises, bleeding fingers and the incessant itch in my back which had somehow acquired pins and needles, glanced behind me. Four silhouettes retreated against the glare from Cade’s kaleidoscopic patchwork of lamps to the edge of Sumian before strong, smothering wind surged over the roof thrusting me forwards. I wavered on the precipice of life, or at-least an end to it, for not a moment but a stretch of eternity and fear before I threw myself backwards and staggered into dark silence. Silence not only as an absence of sound. Darkness not only as an absence of light, but a dark, still silence. A cumulative, permeating silence deeper than the depth of fear.

Hi. I didn't read the original, but maybe that'll help you out, an objective opinion and all. I'll answer your designated questions at the end, but I always do nitpicks first.

I live in Cade, the most backwards, out of the way ‘city’ this side of hell.

Right, first up, the name of this place. It's short, and it's a real name, or at least one I see occasionally in fantasy, hence it's confusing. I don't want to advise you to change it, because I understand people get attached to their character names and so presumably names of places too, but I want to let you know.

ever present crisis, trying to survive the night scarred and scathed yet innocent.

Okay, there should be a colon rather than a comma after "crisis". Also, can you have an "ever present crisis"? I always think of a crisis as a one-time event rather than one that happens over and over again. Is it possible to change that to "problem" or something?

male laughter reached forward nearly

comma after nearly.

The tiles there are too thin to hold any of the big guys, perhaps some of the smaller ones but they had stopped coming for us after Barry’s body turned up eyeless.

Again, I think the punctuation in this sentence is a bit off. The tiles are too thin to hold any of the big guys, and the smaller ones stopped coming for us after Barry's body turned up eyeless. Better? I think it improves the flow.

Maeth

That might be quoted out of order; apologies. I highlighted this because it's the same as Cade; quite a short name that you could find as a character name rather than a place name. Again, just be aware of this while writing.

By ‘us’ I mean my best friend June and I.

This is out of place, because you haven't mentioned "us" in the sentence before you talk about it. You really need to say "us" as the last word in that preceding sentence, so work it in or cut this. Also, you need a comma in this sentence somewhere.

tingled, no man had been within

Comma splice. This should be a full stop.

were above single story making for easy

Again, comma after "storey". Oh, wait, are you American? Then it probably is "story", apologies.

before it’s shadowy fingers

Should be "its". Rules are odd for its and it's. Its is the possessive and it's is a contraction of "it is". You might have known that though, and this is probably just a typo.

Cade’s historical district stretched well above the one or two story norm, averaging four high though some stretched up into the immeasurable night, absent any trace of moon or star.

This makes little sense. You've basically just said, "Most buildings are tall, but some are really tall." It's kind of repetitive. Plus, the last clause makes no grammatical sense, since "absent" isn't a verb.

into the un-beating heart of Cade’s history.

Change "un-beating"; it's a pretty awkward word. Rotting? Still? Dusty? Any of those ideas work.

shoulder length short amber waves, matting them against my neck

This is a very unsubtle way of describing her hair. I'd cut "shoulder length" and consider actually mentioning the word "hair" in there somewhere. Also, "plastering" works better than "matting".

vaulting bodily

"Bodily"? That's... odd.

This was the highest I’d ever been, exhilaration sparked but failed to catch, dampened against the sickening fear.

Semi-colon after "been". I think you should replace "against" with "by", too.

My heart slowed as panic faded and despite the agony in my muscles the scrapes, bruises, bleeding fingers and the incessant itch in my back which had somehow acquired pins and needles, glanced behind me.

Doesn't make sense! My heart slowed as panic faded and despite the agony in my muscles, the scrapes, bruises, bleeding fingers and the incessant itch in my back, I glanced behind me. I think that works better; the pins and needles part is irrelevent, IMO.

Four silhouettes retreated against the glare from Cade’s kaleidoscopic patchwork of lamps to the edge of Sumian before strong, smothering wind surged over the roof thrusting me forwards.

COMMAS! Hehe. Just read that aloud and see how much you can cope with before taking a breath. I mean, not deliberately holding your breath... You know. xD

Silence not only as an absence of sound. Darkness not only as an absence of light, but a dark, still silence. A cumulative, permeating silence deeper than the depth of fear.

Love the ending, but not sure about the sentence before. Again, it sounds like, "Silence, but not silence; darkness, but not darkness. It was SILENT DARKNESS!!11!!" Okay, not nearly as bad as all that, and I like what you're trying to say, but it's a bit off at the moment.

Haha, now that that's over with, I'll sum up. Punctuation needs improvement, but methinks that might just be you typing this quickly. Read it aloud to get an idea of where you need commas.

Now, as for these questions.

1) I'd say morality of sorts, and basically, righteousness. Or possibly virginity, thinking about it.

2) The end of section 2? I can't say I struggled to understand any of this obviously, but if you could highlight the area you mean more clearly, I'll be specific.

3) Not particularly, but then, I'm not one to immerse myself in stories very much. You got the wrong girl.

Sorry the answers are so short, but I didn't have much to say on that front. You can either PM me back with answers to my questions, or, if you find it easier, reply on this thread.

Final tidbits to add... That last paragraph is a pretty hefty block. Break it up if you can. Also, I'm not sure what you're going for here. You trying to make this metaphorical in some sense? I took it literally because it's a prologue, but maybe you can explain further. Hope my review helped somewhat, anyway.

I don’t know or care how bad your life is. Mine is worse. Want to know why? I live in Cade, the most backwards, out of the way ‘city’ this side of hell. Or maybe it had just risen out of hell and nobody noticed.

I'd rather be shown that she lives in a cruddy city rather than told it. In fact, I'm sure you're going to demonstrate just why the city she lives in is crappy, so this paragraph doesn't serve much purpose.

For the record, I don't consider "I don't care how bad your life is" to be a very good beginning line. It just sounds snotty; if I read this in an already published book, I would cringe and put it back down. You don't want your narrator to immediately come off as angsty and whiny, and that's all that sentence implies to me.

I don't really get how shorts could restrict your ability to run--the most they would do is ride up a bit, but you'd ignore that if you were bolting. It would be harder to run away in something that was too long or too baggy, however.

Un-christened in the horrors of which I had barely escaped with halo askew but intact too often.

I get it... but I can't say it does much for me. The metaphor feels extremely forced and like you wrote it just to say "Haha, look how clever I am, right?" rather than to make a point. Your writing should be natural and come from the heart, not forced and like you're trying to impress us.

I didn’t do it. But they didn’t know that and if I played my cards right, rigged the deck and practised my cold blooded killer face, they never would. By ‘us’ I mean my best friend June and I.

She didn't say "us" at all, so I'm not sure where this sentence comes from.

The next three paragraphs after that can all be one paragraph.

Cade’s historical district stretched well above the one or two story norm, averaging four high though some stretched up into the immeasurable night, absent any trace of moon or star.

I really don't get what this sentence is saying. Is it saying the buildings are a lot taller? It's confusing because you don't mention buildings at all, and yet you say "story" and such. Just give us a better idea of what you're talking about here, because it's being very vague right now.

[/quote]I continued beyond the outskirts into the un-beating heart of Cade’s history.[/quote]

Is there a "heart of history" that you based this play on words on? Because as it is, I don't really know what she means by "un-beating heart"--history, in essence, is in the past, so of course it can't be living. I'm just not entirely sure about the metaphor.

Only dust stirred on the wind, mingling with sweat, dripping down my itching back through my shoulder length short amber waves, matting them against my neck.

The part I don't get is dripping down my itching back through my shoulder length short amber waves since it just sounds like a run-on. Needs some punctuation, I think, but I just don't know what kind.

Silence not only as an absence of sound. Darkness not only as an absence of light, but a dark, still silence. A cumulative, permeating silence deeper than the depth of fear.

A lot of words, but I feel like they don't mean anything. Here's how I translate it:

"Really big silence. Really dark, really silent. It's really, really silent."

You like to use words a lot. I encourage you to go past your words. Think about what you mean and what's the story you want to tell.

What's the point of going on about the silence and darkness if you're not actually describing it, for one? You aren't describing it, you're just going on about it, but you aren't even saying anything very significant about it. You're just sort of playing around with the words.

And why does the darkness and silence matter? Is she dead? Is that what you're trying to say? It's lost on me. I don't know what you mean by it, and that's not for lack of reading comprehension. The only conclusion I can come to is that it doesn't mean anything, and you're sort of just talking about the darkness on and on for no real reason.

Just consider that. If you meant something by those sentences, it needs to be clearer what you mean. If you didn't mean anything and were just playing around with words, you should cut those sentences out completely.

I can't say I "felt" anything reading it. I didn't feel entirely invested in the story, and some of the language was too murky for me to really get into any of the imagery.

I feel like you can be better if you achieve more of a balance between telling the story and giving us imagery. I didn't feel on the edge about that scene, since it felt like it was going at a snail's pace--but if you think about it, it wasn't going slowly for your character at all. It was all going very fast. Give us shorter details--but still give us details, of course--when your character is going through something as intense as running for her life.

You also threw names out there that I wasn't entirely sure you would ever go back to. You tell us some guy's name is Raphiel, and I wonder if I need to remember that. You tell us she has someone named June with her--but where is she?! I was wondering that the entire time. Didn't she have a friend running with her? Why isn't she concerned about her? Where is June? If she isn't there at all, why mention her in this moment?

I would just be more clear and concise with your prose, and pay more attention to the fact that you're telling a story rather than the fact that you're writing. I think it's good that you work with imagery, and some of your images do work, but right now it's overpowering your piece.

Also, did you revise this as soon as someone critiqued you? I recommend not immediately taking everyone's advice and following through with everything they say. It's not that we don't have anything to say--it's just that it's your story. Just because we say something doesn't mean you HAVE to do it. It just means that you should consider what we say, really think on it, and then decide what you should do based on what we said.

Thanks for this extensive feedback, both of you.

I recommend not immediately taking everyone's advice and following through with everything they say. It's not that we don't have anything to say--it's just that it's your story. Just because we say something doesn't mean you HAVE to do it. It just means that you should consider what we say, really think on it, and then decide what you should do based on what we said.

I realise this but so much of what you have said looks right .
In fact, the only things i noticed which didn't look like a potential good idea or point were the few extremely minor things you aren't supposed to understand and meant to look innocent. I won't tell you what they are as they could potentially be used to predict possible future events/plot.

The grammatical errors you've picked up will be helpful. I don't know what happened but i lost my knowledge of most grammar (especially around dialogue so the worst is yet to come) and need to work on it but so far I've been lazy.

Thanks again for the exceptional reviews.