Darkness Unpolluted

Who are you?
The one I see,
or the one I know?

I see you standing there
a darkness unpolluted
a smile on your lips,
a stone in your heart.

The shadows gather 'round you
and are welcomed
by your cold hands.
They freeze in your sunless light.

And so you stay,
singing in the shadows
But is that what you want?
Are you satisfied that your soul has been sold?

No.

Because I know you,
a light unfiltered,
a gag in your mouth,
despair in your heart.

The world would take you
and cherish you
with open arms.
Love would bloom.

Yet you laugh in their faces;
triumphant, you walk away.
Your soul shakes with sorrow
but the shadows are watching.

And they wait for you.

Wow, I like this a lot. It took a second read through it to understand how the first verse lays the groundwork for the two 'sections' of the rest of the poem, but once I got it it made a lot of sense. The more I look at your poem, the more the heart behind it shows, how the person you're talking about is absolute darkness, yet could be a joy to the world if they would allow it.

In the verse "and so you stand...", check whether you really want the word "that" in the last line. It might need it for the rhythm, but it's a fairly weak word, so if you can find something else that might be better.

Good job!

I found this poem very interesting, and I like how the beginning draws the readers attention. The meaning is deep, but I thought that the end lost the flow that the beginning had. I loved the word choice, and the poem was very easy to read. Overall I found the poem to be very good.
I loved the reoccurring dark imagery, as well.

Hi! Thanks for your feedback. I'm glad that you both enjoyed it. To starlit.isle: I'm not sure what a good replacement word for 'that' would be. Do you have any suggestions? If so, they would be welcome.

Hey, I really enjoyed this. Specific images such as 'sunless light' and 'darkness unpolluted' really appealed to me. It was easy to read, but I think it needs to be read slowly or at least be graced with a second read-through for the reader to be able to understand fully and I think it's perfect the way it is....

Really good job! Keep writing like this .

Wow. OK, I really love this poem. I thought it was awesome, and sad, and awesome, and...wow. So, I don't think I really have much to say. It was fantastic, descriptive, um, it told a terribly sad story amazingly well, and I just loved it. OK, I'll stop now before I sound like a complete idiot. Anyway, it was amazing and fantastic, and great, and....good job!

-Nutty ^///^

Oh WOW! The depth here... the story... it's stunning! Great use of emotion and imagery. By far one of the most respectable pieces I've seen on this site.

Awesome! I'm completely surprised that you liked it that much! It makes me feel great. Thank you both!

Tim! *tackles* I'm in love with you, based on this one xD

I love it, love it, love it! I can feel so much on this, and the grammar and punctuation... Oh my God, I'm flippin'!

I can't even make a decent review, for crying out loud! From my point of few, I can't even nit pick. Aha! But there is one thing I'd like to mention. There are some places where your flow is a bit sketchy, so you should try and reconsider those places.

Example:

Are you satisfied that your soul had been sold?

On, and a little thing here. I think 'has' would sound better than 'had'. If you were trying for a hypothetical thing, try to reword it to something like 'would you be... na na na. ^.^

We both know that's not what you want,

And that's about it! This is in fact a personal favorite Tim, and is definitely on my top ten poems of YWS. *clicks star thingy*

- Kat

Holy goodness!!! That's so awesome Kat! Thanks!!! I actually did write has, instead of had. I don't know what happened there... *fixes it* But I am ecstatic right now... I love that you love it! :D

Astounding! The imagery in this poem was some of the best I've ever seen, and the rhythm was quite smooth, for the most part.
The only thing that was an issue (and a small one, at that) was this line:

"triumphant, you walk away."

It was a little awkward to read in context with the rest of the poem. If you wanted to change it to flow a bit better, it could be;

"triumphant,
you walk away."

Other than that, though, this was a magnificent poem. The descriptions were strong and believable, and, as I said before, the imagery was excellent. Good job! I can't wait to read more poems like this one!

I just realized I never did a review on this... sorry!

I liked it. Your phrases were definitely poetic, and flowed together very well. The only line that didn't fit in for me was

basking in the glory of your achievement.

I don't think the word 'basking' or 'achievement' work. They're nice words, but they didn't fit into your poem very well. But that's just my opinion!

Keep writing

Classy

Since you comment on my thing I shall comment on yours mwhahaha! I really loved this. Its genuine and I think its pretty damn true sometimes. If this was a song I'd have it on my I Pod on repeat. It was really beautiful. I try writing poetry but it doesn't turn out 1/4 as good as this. Its really a masterpiece I loved it. Keep at it my friend! Bonjourno! XD See you round. You seem like a really chill cool guy PM me sometime for a conversation
RenGrey

I found this poem to be very captivating. Your use of symbolism is perfect and this really made my day!!