With an Iron mask

Wrote this last night and just wanted some people's honest opinions on it, so I thought 'hey, what better than post it on yws'? xD It's basically about a boy with a bad past, you know physical abuse, neglect, basically just no love shown from his family at home. And also how he uses a mask to cope with it, not showing the real him... anyways enjoy

With an iron mask he walks,
His friends unaware,
For it’s nearly invisible,
And reality is rare.

Of the unhappiness at home,
His smile holds no trace,
Yet his memories bear witness,
To the lie on his face.

Thinks of a boy neglected,
Remembers a son abused,
Holds back a tear of anger,
Again, the real him refused.

The mask holding strong,
His mood held in place,
No longer the boy,
But the lie on his face.


xxMiaxx

Oh. My. Giddy. Gosh.
I loved this npoem - it was incredibly moving.
Although simplistic, you managed to convey a real sense of raw emotion. There's just one thing you could do to improve it.
It isn't really an Iron[i][/i] mask he's wearing, is it? Maybe think of another metaphor.

Apart from that, great use of language, great rhyming.
Keep writing!
Pgsgirl x

Hello, Roon here! I like the idea you have here, I think it needs just a little development, and it could be wonderful.

With an iron mask he walks, << why iron?
His friends unaware, << you don’t have to use caps for the start of a line, just a new sentence, even in poetry. It feels disjointed if you do.
For it’s nearly invisible, << this is a passive voice, I think this would be better as a direct and more emotive line.
And reality is rare. << why? Expand.

Of the unhappiness at home, << to me, home sounds like somewhere you feel safe.
His smile holds no trace,
Yet his memories bear witness,
To the lie on his face.

Thinks of a boy neglected,
Remembers a son abused,
Holds back a tear of anger,
Again, the real him refused. << I don’t really understand this line.

The mask holding strong, << you don’t want to make him seem strong. This sounds as if he is, even though you refer to the mask. Try something a little more emotive.
His mood held in place,
No longer the boy, << Are you saying that he is being eaten up by the mask? Make it clear.
But the lie on his face. << I’m not sure I like this imagery. It could be so much better.

I think this is a great idea, but a fairly common theme in poetry today, you need to make it your own. I don’t really see a personal touch here. Also, your rhyme scheme completely eats up this poem. It makes you phrase things awkwardly and fit words around each other. I think you should be more free when it comes to your poetry it feels rigid. Don’t worry about rhyme, just let things flow naturally. I think you need to pour some more emotion into this as well. Make us feel the pain of the voice. At the moment we just don’t really care. There is nothing to connect us to him.

However! I think this seems like a first draft, so this is awesome for something so early in it’s life.

I did like this, I wouldn’t have reviewed otherwise. I think it has real potential, so work on it! Hope this was helpful! If you have any questions, or problems, with anything I said, please don’t hesitate to let me know!

~ Roon

Hi Mia! Here as requested!

With an iron mask he walks,
His friends unaware,
For it’s nearly invisible,
And reality is rare.

I wasn't confused by the iron-mask reference here. When I read this I thought of a prisoner who was forced to wear an iron mask because he was so horrible. It set up a good mental preamble for the poem.

The last line of this stanza, however, doesn't really fit. "Rare" is mostly the word I'm speaking of; it seems to clash with "reality" and the idea itself doesn't get explained until later. It never really gets completely explained, I find. It feels tacked-on for rhyme.

Of the unhappiness at home,
His smile holds no trace,
Yet his memories bear witness,
To the lie on his face.

"Of" seems to tie this line in to the previous stanza. You can delete it, since the last stanza isn't really structured to flow into the next.

The last two lines here are slightly conflicting I find. If they were explained more, then it would be a more solid poem. I can get the bare idea, that you can tell he's unhappy if you know him, but that's not clear.

Thinks of a boy neglected,
Remembers a son abused,
Holds back a tear of anger,
Again, the real him refused.

I didn't understand this stanza until I realized it was a connection to the previous stanza. The reason the flow is jerky is because the idea connected to this stanza is line three, not line four. It's my opinion that poetry should have the ideas in a more chronological order, or at least use the same metaphor throughout.

I also find that this stanza limits the poem slightly in the first couple of lines. They label him as "neglected" when the poem could be much more powerful should you keep why he's wearing a mask open.

The mask holding strong,
His mood held in place,
No longer the boy,
But the lie on his face.

The first two lines here I enjoyed; but the next two lines not so much. They seem incomplete in their ideas, and disjointed from the first two lines. I'd rework them so it shows he's become the lie, instead of somewhat dropping that idea in line three. I believe you could just fix it by adding "by" after "longer" in line three, but I'm not sure if more changes are needed.

*

I loved the theme of this poem. Wearing a mask because of a lie is really common but here it seems executed differently, in a more original way. I think that was because of the iron, and what connections were made in my mind. Having those connections in the poem would be nice in my opinion. It would show that he considers himself horrible so he hides it, which is often how people in such situations feel. Nice work there.

My one thing is the "neglect" element. That puts this poem more into a cliched realm. You counteract it somewhat by not having him be angsty about it, but the nagging cliche is still there.

Another thing about the neglect element is how much it limits the poem. Several different situations could cause a kid to wear a mask, and this would be much more powerful should the poem be complete without why the kid's wearing a mask. That would make people able to put themselves in this poem more naturally, without getting over that the character was neglected and they weren't.

I'd like to see more on the "reality is rare" line at the beginning of the poem. What does it mean, exactly? You could dive into some rich ideas with that line, such as reality being rare for him since he's always wearing a mask, but you never do.

Overall, I found this a bit too disjointed between the first and second halves of the stanzas, and between the stanzas themselves. The overall flow and metaphors are good, maybe a touch cliched, but the cliches didn't hurt the poem that much (and I gave you a possible way to fix it). I did enjoy it at a basic level though.

Drop me a line with questions. ^^

~Rosey

It's a very common angle to work on, and yeah you DO have to make it your own. But there's hope because the poem itself was not a total trainwreck as those that are born of overused ideas tend to be.

As a point of reference, there is no need to tell people what your poem is about beforehand. If your poem is hard to understand, let us find out. This poem is not one of those, but for future reference, remember that.

Spoiler

With an iron mask he walks, Have a reason for everything you're doing. Why is the mask iron?
His friends unaware,
For it’s nearly invisible,
And reality is rare. It seems to me that there's less of a forced rhyme to be found with "stare", but maybe not.

Of the unhappiness at home,
His smile holds no trace,
Yet his memories bear witness,
To the lie on his face.

This is fine, again- not earth-shattering stuff but "solid" is the word that comes to mind.

Thinks of a boy neglected,
Remembers a son abused,
Holds back a tear of anger,
Again, the real him refused. Clumsy line.

The mask holding strong,
His mood held in place,
No longer the boy,
But the lie on his face.

Yep.

Your poem is largely past basic textual edits, but is in dire need of some spiritual edits, and so that means you'll probably put this on the shelf anyway, and use it as a stand-in for homework you forgot to do. But I'll ask; where can you go with this poem to make it compelling? Perhaps you could extend the metaphor of the mask and allow it to dominate the poem? OR perhaps you should drop that vein entirely. Consider putting more of a detailed story to go along with this.

I don't think this poem has much of a future, but I hope you understand the point I'm making, while technically solid, this poem is not new, and has driven into a cul-de-sac. There's no where else you can really go with this poem. So either make the turn and get out of there, or drive over someone's lawn, smash through their fence, and see where that takes you. But the road you're currently on is just boring.

Its really good. Though if the boy was wearing an iron mask he wouldn't be able to lift his face or see out of it because iron is really heavy and its takes ages to make holes in it for nostril holes, eye holes and a mouth hole. But it was really good.

gosh~ it was incredible! it is a superb poem you've written!
i don't think it can be any better than what it is.

Wow, really nice.
Its really good.
Keep up the good work.