Sleeping Beauty 1 [Stella's contest]

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Okay, so I got a little distracted here (sorry Stellz). This is for Stella Thomas' contest, where we have to retell a story or fairytale. I choose the sleeping beauty, but as I've mentioned I got a little carried away with the whole 21st century thing.

This is the first part, meaning there are more to come. Have fun reading!

--*--*--*--

About fifteen years ago, Mr. and Mrs. Jones had a baby. A pink, chubby child that looked like every other kid in diapers, except for the huge bush of brown hair that sat at the top of her oval head. I admit: I did not like myself when I was a baby. The pictures, I was just… horrible. Like with creepy, huge eyes. Thank God, my head grew and made it proportional, or I would have to wear sunglasses everywhere. Anyway, I’m trying to tell a story out here. Melanie and Steve, my parents, decided to throw a beautiful baby shower, a few days after I was born. They invited everyone they knew – including everyone from where they worked. Mr. and Mrs. Jones are the principals of the local High School. Every teacher, from English teachers - those who always correct you - to Physical Education ones - that make it sound as if you were in a gym - had an invitation; except for the delightful Chemistry teacher, Mrs. Bagley. She was insulted, and frustrated, therefore she barged into their house, and declared, loud and clear:
“When that girl turns fifteen, I shall flunk her!” She stormed off again. Mrs. Bagley couldn’t be fired, sadly, since she was placed there by the Government. She was not considered so delightful by then. But then, to bring hope to the new parents, Mrs. Mayes declared she would not let the baby flunk, that she’d only have to take lessons during the summer. As if that was any better. Anyway, the party continued normally, everyone eating a ridiculously good looking cake. I have seen the pictures, believe me; I could have eaten all of it.
And here I am, Aurora, a fifteen year old girl. Other than my eminent negative results on this new school’s year, I have yet another freakish problem – something even the doctors could not explain. I fall asleep easily. Too easily. If I close my eyes for more than three seconds, and I am excruciatingly bored, that’s it for me. And it gets worse. I can only wake up if I’m kissed. Yep, you heard right, kissed. But not a romantic kiss or anything, just a peck anywhere, really. It’s some weird reaction, the doctors said, that will always wake me up. Eh, as long as nobody bothers me it’ll be fine. Well, except for the fact that I only have one friend now.
People tend to not like me, if I fall asleep on the phone or in the middle of a conversation. I couldn’t tell them my issue, no. I would be selected ‘Freak’ of the year. I might have some though competition, not naming people especially not that girl from 1-B, but I’d still win it. Even if they actually believe it, because most would call me a liar. Yep, no tight bodings or anything. Oh, except for Caroline! Right, my best friend. I love her. She’s like my soul mate; if always expected to find that in a guy, but she came first. And with me drifting off to dreamland all of a sudden who’d want to go out with me? But I did not need a boyfriend desperately around this time. I needed a friend.
Caroline had ended up in other class than mine, 1-A, while I was in I-C; the one is the year, therefore I am in the tenth grade – high school finally! When I left middle school it looked more like a pre-school than a normal middle school. The kids were getting smaller every year! I always believed they would fall back with the weight of the backpacks.
It was, in fact, the first day of school and I was miserable saying goodbye to my best friend. I walked straight up to classroom number 4, my pace quite slow, hesitating. I entered the classroom soon enough, sighing, and took my place by the back. The teacher, gratefully, knew about my situation. All the teachers knew, since my parents, the ‘big’ bosses of the school, made sure everyone knew so that my grades wouldn’t be prejudiced by that little situation. I have trained myself to blink fast, and my eyes not to need rest. Or I’d fall asleep, as if dead due to the fact that no one remembered to wake me up with a kiss. If I fell asleep in class, the teacher would ask someone to carry me to the infirmary, where someone would kiss my hand or something like that. But that was in middle school; I could not just fall asleep around here. I had to control that, mind over whatever that impulse was. Maybe it wasn’t even decease, since I bet it wasn’t in any medicinal book.
I had placed myself conveniently by the window. I looked outside: rain. It matched my mood perfectly. Even though I recognized some of the people in my class it was still all gloomy without Caroline. I just was so used to her presence, that her absence was noticed ten times more than anyone else’s. I sighed once again, and pulled out my Nokia mobile phone from my jean’s pocket. I texted Caroline, telling her that even though classes were boring, classes without her were even worse. The signed saying ‘Delivered’ appeared, and I was about to look up when someone cleared their throat really loudly. MY eyes drifted up; the professor was staring at me, with his eyebrows raised. I handled him my phone without a word, and turned my head back to the window. Great! Just another thing to make this all better. Someone behind me chuckled. I turned around, irritated. This person was laughing at my misery!
“What’s wrong with you?” I started complaining. I had more to rant at him, but I was stopped at his sight: chocolate brown eyes, messy brown hair; I had never seen this guy before. I was stuck staring at him for a few seconds. He raised his eyebrow, but turned into a playful smile on a split second.
“What is wrong with you?” His voice was deep, with a hint of gaiety behind it, yet calm. Why couldn’t I think of an answer? Of something that would make him shut up? Argh! Think, Aurora! I opened my mouth to talk, even though I hadn’t thought of anything smart to say that would piss him off. He laughed again; I must have taken a while and my voice didn’t even come out. Instead, the professor came by us again, certainly startled by this stupid guy’s loud laugh.
“Miss Jones, Mister Mason, you seem to getting off very well. Detention, five o’clock.” The teacher walked away again. Ugh. History teachers. Always so… well, boring and dull. I turned around with a brusque movement, very irritated. This guy! First he laughed at me, and then got me into detention! Oh, I was so going to hear it later, at home. Or even before, since, luckily, my parents work at the school. They run the school. Everything gets to them in a split second. Ugh.
“Now that some of you have settled down, let’s talk Romans. The Ancient Empire of the Romans…” I switched the button to off, and stopped hearing anything. Incredibly, I quite enjoyed History, just not the teachers. This one, for example, was invited for a dinner party once – I was only six – and he stole my slice of cake, saying young girls shouldn’t eat such things. And it was a very good looking cake! Sponge cake with mascarpone, made by my mother. Of course, I stole a larger slice later anyway, but he still took my cake away. That deserved eternal hate.
I scribbled on my notebook, making small abstract drawings on the borders of the leaf of paper. I looked out the window again, and it was still raining. This day was going perfectly! Just my luck.
I waited for the bell to ring, and when it finally did, I thought of the rational explication of why time passed by so slowly when you were bored. Eh, what did I care? Now I got to see Caroline for fifteen minutes. I walked down the stairs; I wasn’t sure where she was, so I’d have to look for her. I went up to the cafeteria, where some people were already eating rather unhealthy snacks, but she wasn’t there. I searched the library and the level near the classrooms that had some benches next. The school was crowded, since it was raining outside so everyone gathered inside the building, except for some weirdos that wanted to get some kind of pneumonia that were wondering outside. I found her at a table, with some people I knew: Stephanie, Lucy, Catherine and Joana. They greeted me, rather cheerfully, and I was a bit surprised at first. I replied with a ‘hi’, and sat next to Caroline. She didn’t even notice I was there. She had her head supported on her hands and was sighing every other minute.
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked the girls, since Caroline was on the Moon.
“He happened,” Lucy declared, pointing at the basketball players.
“Love is in the air…” Stephanie began to sing, with a dreamy voice, but Caroline appeared to wake up and smacked her arm.
“Shush it.”
“Or he might hear you.” Joana lengthened the ‘you’ and giggled next. Caroline blushed a deep pink tone, and smiled shyly.
“Ooooh,” I said, somewhat understandingly. I winked at her, and she proceeded to stare at him. “Who is him?”
“Sean Waterdam.” I looked over at him again, and he smiled at Caroline. She blinked and turned her face away. I had never seen her like that. It was gratifying to see your best friend happy like that. It planted an immediate smile on my face. And then I noticed his company: that stupid guy from History class. Well, if Sean and Caroline got together I guess I could stand him. Catherine detected my long staring at the table, and asked,
“Have you fallen in love too, Aurora?” Her voice was playful, but she smiled.
“Barely. I want to tear that guy’s head off and feed it to crocodiles.” It was much friendlier than what I had truly in mind. Her smile dropped, as she got curious.
“Who?”
“That one there.” I pointed at the brown haired guy.
“Jake Mason?” She asked, unveiling his name. “Why?”
I wasn’t much of hateful or resentful person, but that guy really pissed me off. Who was he to blend into my life? Wait, he was a basketball jock? I asked Catherine that.
“No. He’s on the soccer team. I think he’s captain or something. But he and Caroline’s guy are childhood friends or whatever.” You could always count on Catherine to know the gossip around.
“Hey!” Caroline complained. “He’s not mine.” Her voice was a bit higher than usual. “Yet,” I heard her add under her breathe. I smiled at her, and once again the bell rang. I said bye to them and walked back to my classroom. Joana followed me. I can’t believe I hadn’t seen her before: she was in my class. We walked into what would be English, and she sat on the table to my right. Good, at least I knew her. My eyes started to burn and I closed then for one second. I could feel the numbness fill me, and I only snapped out of it when Joana elbowed me. I looked at her and she pointed at my left. It was the Mason dude. Joana had heard me, surely, or she wouldn’t have called me. My smile dropped, and Mrs. Longman entered the classroom.
“Good morning, students! Are we excited? This is going to be a fun class!” Her voice was loud for all the class to hear, and showed her excitement.
“Yep, great.” I muttered under my breath. I looked at him again, and he smiled at me. He had sat there on purpose.
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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I am so excited to see where this is going to go! There are a few typos here and there but otherwise it was fantastic! It was really cute and very enjoyable to read. I liked your humor a lot and it kept the story entertaining. I'm so excited to read more!!
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this story was quite interesting. I didnt want it to end. I love how you modernized the story of sleeping beauty. Great dialouge too. Cant wait to see where this goes.
PM me when you write more, ok.=)




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This is...awesome.
It's like a modern day twist on the classic tale.
I especially like the way you wrote this, it's got Aurora's personality.
I can feel her emotions when she's telling this story, wonderfully written, good job!
I'm love with the characters already, have no idea why but I was excited the whole time.

Please PM me if you write more!

~Pink
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I loved it! It's just so original! The thought is hilarious. There were a few grammatical errors, but other than that, it was great, Keep up the good work :)
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Hey Kat!!
Oh my God! this was hilarious. lol x3 :lol: :lol: :lol:
OK **caughs** now let's get serious.
This is great, kat. I loved how you made an old tale sound so cool and modern; you definitely gave it a cool twist.

Like with creepy, huge eyes.

YOu say, she hated her eyes so i think I need to know a bit more of why she hated them-besides being creepy and huge. lol

Melanie and Steve, my parents, decided to throw a beautiful baby shower, a few days after I was born.

I think you should get rid of the comma between shower and few.

those who always correct you - to Physical Education ones - that make it sound as if you were in a gym - had an invitation; except for the delightful Chemistry teacher, Mrs. Bagley.

I think that...you should get rid of the semicolon and place a period. The before saying that she was not invited you could place something like: all were invited except for...

I fall asleep easily. Too easily

I think I know wht you meant by separating this sentences, but I think a comma is better.

If I close my eyes for more than three seconds, and I am excruciatingly bored, that’s it for me.

Out of place comment: ummm...I don't know why but I think this describes me too well. lol :lol:

if I fall asleep on the phone or in the middle of a conversation

I think this part of the sentence has to end because it seems as if it doesn't so i say you put something like: If I fall asleep on the phone or in the middle of a conversation, they just freak out and get mad. Something like that.

Overall.
Great!!! I loved it, it was so original. I liked how you made Aurora sound just like a normal teenager with her sleeping problem and everything. This is very entretainning. I really want to read the next ones!!

xoxo
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Hey Kat! I'm here finally! lol

So lets start with some nit picks -

Like with creepy, huge eyes. - This doesn't sound quite right. Maybe you could try switching it to 'With like creepy, huge eyes'

Anyway, I’m trying to tell a story out here. - This doesn't really make sense, I would take the word 'out' out xD!

She was not considered so delightful by then. But then, to bring hope to the new parents - The repeat of 'then' so close to each other just bothers me. I don't like repetition so close like that lol Maybe try 'She was not considered so delightful by that time' to switch it up a little.

Other than my eminent negative results on this new school’s year - I think you can just say 'on this new school year'. Also I think it should be 'imminent' not 'eminent'.

I might have some though competition, not naming people especially not that girl from 1-B, but I’d still win it. - This sentence is a little awkward when you read it and I think maybe you should try and rework it. I also think that you meant 'tough' not 'though'

Yep, no tight bodings or anything. - Did you mean 'bonds' ? I think that is what you meant.

if always expected to find that in a guy - I think it should be 'I always expected to find that in a guy'

Caroline had ended up in other class than mine - This phrasing is a little awkward, perhaps try something like 'Caroline had ended up in a different class to me'

Maybe it wasn’t even decease, since I bet it wasn’t in any medicinal book. - I think you meant 'disease' here and not 'decease' and I think it should be 'Maybe it wasn't a disease'.

The signed saying ‘Delivered’ appeared - I would change 'signed' to 'sign'

I was about to look up when someone cleared their throat really loudly - I don't think you need the word 'really' here. Loudly is enough to express the volume of the sound.

I handled him my phone without a word - 'handed' and not 'handled' here

but I was stopped at his sight - This phrasing is a little awkward. Maybe try 'but I stopped at the sight of him' or something like that.

He raised his eyebrow, but turned into a playful smile on a split second. - Again a little awkward. The way you have written it seems as though his eyebrow turned into a smile. So rephrasing this would help or adding in a little extra about his mouth.

“Miss Jones, Mister Mason, you seem to getting off very well. Detention, five o’clock.” - I think this should be 'you seem to be getting on very well'

I thought of the rational explication of why time passed by so slowly when you were bored. - I'm not sure what you mean here. Maybe 'irrational explanation'? But I'm really not sure.

I searched the library and the level near the classrooms that had some benches next. - I think you need to add 'to them' on the end of this sentence, so it is 'benches next to them'

to get some kind of pneumonia that were wondering outside - Here it would be 'wandering' not 'wondering'. I always have to stop and think about where to put these words.

Well that is all the nit picks that bothered me done ^^ I don't know about punctuation and grammar and all that though lol Mostly I just pointed out where you had a few misspells and awkward sentences. So I hope that helped.

Dialogue - I thought your dialogue was quite good. It felt natural and it seemed appropriate to their age. SO good job on that.

Pacing - I think the pacing is going quite well. You aren't just rushing into the main parts of the story and you are giving readers the chance to get to know Aurora which is really good. Keep doing that because it is important for the reader to know her and care about her.

Characters - Characters are also good. Be careful not to make Aurora sound too...immature I guess. In some places it got a little like this and if you went more that way then it would make her less likeable but overall I do like her character. The way that you write the first person is really good because it almost feels like I am in Aurora's head as these events happen to her, I like that.

Overall - I really like how you have begun to translate this from the original story of Sleeping Beauty and I like where this is going (especially from out conversations about it). The contemporary setting is working well and you strayed away from making it too heavy and dark which is good. It is a fairy tale after all.

Keep up the good work and let me know when you post the next part please! Hope this kind of lame review helped some lol You know where I am if you want to ask anything :)

Bex x
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Wow, honestly, this was amazing. *eyes go green* I wish I could write like this! I love this, but I must go so I can read the second part!
Bye-bye now!
:elephant: :elephant: :elephant: (Oh no, here come the purple, people eater elephants to eat the next part of your story! Run, Aurora! RUN!)
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I'm here. At last.

I. NITPICKS

Anyway, I’m trying to tell a story out here.


out?

I fall asleep easily. Too easily.


Just for future reference, it's called narcolepsy.

no tight bodings or anything.


no what?

if always expected to find that in a guy, but she came first.


I've...

even decease,


disease?

MY eyes drifted up;


is that y supposed to be capitalised?

I handled him my phone


handed.

“Miss Jones, Mister Mason, you seem to getting off very well.


LOL. Getting off. Ahem. Sorry. That's quite a humourous mistake. Anyway, the correct way is "getting on." Getting off implies... other things.

“Jake Mason?” She asked, unveiling his name. “Why?”
[/quote]

That should be a small s...

Okay...

II. LOOOOOOVE?

It's just Caroline's reaction threw me off- who honestly sits there sighing over someone they just met? It's just a small thing. Overall, the dialogue in that scene was great, and your characters are really natural, it's just... yeah...

III. OVERALL

I'm liking it. Onto Part Two!

-Stella x
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I thought it was kinda stupid. Why would someone fall asleep after 3 seconds with their eyes closed. And you used Ugh way to much. it was like Ugh this Ugh that Ugh every stinkin thing!!! You really need to go over this.




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Thank you all for the reviews! ;)

Cassie--> Have you read the introduction? This is a retell of the fairytale 'Sleeping Beauty'. It was meant for a contest, and so I had to make the MC fall asleep. And she says Ugh because it's her kind of personality. She'd that kind of person.
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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