you're Not Perfect.

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Hi! I know this is probably boring. But I don't want to rush things. So the coming chapters will be better!! Hope you review! Thanks..

Jessie. :D :elephant:

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As we pull in Wal-Marts parking lot, I see Jill standing in front of the store crying. Jill was standing there with big, red, puffy eyes. I felt bad, but I shouldn't because she did this to herself. I just look at Edwin and he grabs my hand and we walked into the store. And we walked right past Jill, just standing there with her crying eyes. It made me jut want to walk right our to her and give her a hug and have a slumber party with her. She was my best friend and I just let her stand there crying by her self. My best friend who has been there for me for long time. And now I was in here having a good time while she is pregnant and lost in her own world.

"Charlie, Charlie. Are you there Charlie?" Edwin was staring at me and giving me a funny look. I blink several times and muttered a sorry.


We were looking at coolers and Edwin decided to get a little blue cooler with a white cover. Edwin and I walk over to the bathing suits and he tells me to go get a bathing suit I like. I trampled over to the bathing suits thinking about Jill. I pull a little pink and white one. I decided to pick that one. Even though I didn’t know if it fit me. I started lally gagging back to Edwin. I couldn't’t help but think why I was feeling so bad for Jill.


I sign. Looking at Edwin is so peaceful. I could look at him for ever! "Edwin, I picked a bathing suit. Did you pick yours?" I looked down to see what was in his hand. He had two different bathing suits.

"Which one should I go with?" Edwin asked me, holding up a green and pink one or a blue and white one.


"I think you should get the blue one."


"Alright, let's go get the other things we need." We strolled over to the food section and some snacks. I walked over to the chips and grabbed a bag of Salt N Vinegar.


"Is that the only thing you like?" Edwin asked me while grabbing my hand and putting it in his. I nodded and he just did one of those gorgeous smile. After we got every thing we needed we walked to the check out. The people were taking forever. We would be here all day if they didn't hurry up. I was starting to get bored when my phone started going off. I pick it up and answer it.

"Hello."

"Charlie, darling, it's your mother. I just wanted to say that your father and I decided to stay an extra night if it's fine with you."

"Of course mother. When are you coming home?"

"Tomorrow night. We should be home by nine at night. Please be ready for church on Sunday morning. Your father and I want to go. And you need to come too."

"That's fine, Mother. I love you."

"Darling.. I have to go."

And the only thing I heard was the dial tone.
Finally it was our turn. The lady did each item very slowly. She finished and told us the price. It came to fifty-five dollars and some change. I pulled out my wallet. And started taking out my credit card.

Edwin looked at me,"Put that away."

I smiled and said, "Make me."

And Edwin grabbed my wallet out of my hand. My mouth went to an O shape.

"Give that back."

He look out some cash and grabbed the bags with one hand and grabbed me by the other and pulled me out of the store.

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Don't play stupid with me."

"Get in the car and be quiet."

Edwin unlocked the door and got in I got in and slammed his door as hard as I could.

Edwin looked at me and I smiled a nice big one for him. He just waved his hand like it was no problem. I was firious. That was suppose to get him mad at me. No a little wave.

"When did you last have a boyfriend?" Edwin asked me.

"Three months ago," I answered.

"Name and how long?"

"What, is this twenty questions?"

"Just answer me."

"Ryan Mick. And it was for eight months."

"Why did you break up?"

"Um.." I played with the finger on my thumb. I remember the time my mom and dad gave it to me. It was when I was twelve and got my period for the first time ever. So I got a promise ring. "He moved to Canada to got to college."

"Why didn't you just have a long- distance relationship?"

"He also moved there because he wanted to get married to his ex."

"Oh."

"So are you done asking me twenty questions?"

He nodded and turned up the radio. I looked out the window. I saw all different cars. Jill and I use to love playing the licenses plate game where we try to find as many licenses plates we can find. We only played when her mom and step-dad brought us on road trips. My parents never did that. It was were taking a plane.


I reached over and turned down the radio that I've never heard the songs and asked Edwin a question," When will we be to the beach?"

"Like a hour. Why?"

I looked down. Should I tell him I feel uncomfortable being in the car with him?

"I just really want to go swimming that's it."

He shook his head and once again turned the radio up. It was giving me a headache. Well a hour turned into a two hour ride. There was traffic and accidents. When we got to the beach Edwin packed every thing in the cooler while I went to the bathroom to change. I pulled the bottom up and tied the sides. I put the top on and there was a pounding on the door.

"Some one's in here," I say trying to hide the irritated in my voice.

"I know you are.. Are you almost done? I'm already done."

I open the door and Edwin checks me out.

"You look cute."

I blush and mumble a thanks. He holds my hand and pulls the cooler with the other one. It looks as if were a couple. When we find a good spot and lay down the towels and every thing we decide to go to the water. I walk in the ocean. I loved how the ocean smells. Its one of my favorite smells. Edwin shivers. When I get to my waist I dive underwater. When I come up Edwin goes underwater. All the sudden I feel some one tapping me on the back. I turn around and there's Edwin. After swimming we go back to our towels. Walking up I see Lucas and Shane with two skinny girls wearing almost the same bathing suits but in different colors. Shane sees me and walks over. Uh-Oh! There's going to be trouble.
--Jessie




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Hi there jessie2009!

I wanna start off with I liked this! It had a very innocent ring to it.

But I saw a couple things:

It made me jut want to walk right our to her and give her a hug and have a slumber party with her. She was my best friend and I just let her stand there crying by her self.


I believe you mean just and out? :smt002

Also, the last paragraph seems to move very fast, I'd add a little more detail and slow it down. Just a thought. :smt003

So that's all I really saw, and I can't wait to see what happens next! I'm VERY interested to see why Jill was crying! Or...am I being oblivious to something? I think I am *peers at story, frowning* Oh well.

Keep up the good work!

-Irish :elephant:
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey

Teacher: What do we, in the U.S enjoy from places like Mexico?
Student: Wait, legally?

WARNING: This user carries a spatula.




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Hi :wink:
I think that this is okay, but it needs lots of improvements. I like the beginning when it starts with Jill crying, but I think you should maybe have a paragraph of description before we see her. There are also several spelling and grammar mistakes in the beginning that you need to look at.
I think the best thing about this was the dialogue - it was all pretty much believable and realistic. I also liked the way you showed the character's actions whilst they spoke. I think we need to see more of the characters coming through right at the start because I felt like Edwin seemed a bit...well, flawless. I know I haven't read much but that's the impression I got. You should introduce something early on that's wrong with him - but if the two are in love you could try to make the girl oblivious to his flaws.

Over all, I think the whole thing needs more description and another check through for spelling and grammar. It's easy to rush the beginnings of stories (I do all the time) because you can't wait for the exciting part, but you must remember that as an audience we need to be hooked straight away.

Don't take my criticisms personally because I'm sure this will be great with a tiny bit more work. Good luck with your story!




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Hi Jess!!

Pudin, as always, is here.
I really like your story but this part seemed to move too fast, as if rushing. I think you had the same problem you had in the last one, you described actions or actually listed actions and there were some parts in which you were too telly.
Something else I noticed is that your tenses change too much. You began with present and then moved to past, and then present again. This makes the story a bit confusing because I cannot tell if its happening now or it already happened.

Now some nitpicks.

As we pull in Wal-Marts parking lot, I see Jill standing in front of the store crying. Jill was standing there with big, red, puffy eyes. I felt bad, but I shouldn't because she did this to herself. I just look at Edwin and he grabs my hand and we walked into the store. And we walked right past Jill, just standing there with her crying eyes. It made me jut want to walk right our to her and give her a hug and have a slumber party with her. She was my best friend and I just let her stand there crying by her self. My best friend who has been there for me for long time. And now I was in here having a good time while she is pregnant and lost in her own world.

Here is a good example of what I'm saying. I cannot ell if the whole paragraph is in past or present tense. Look at this: As we pull in Wal-Marts parking lot, I see Jill standing in front of the store crying. Jill was standing there with big, red, puffy eyes. I felt bad, but I shouldn't because she did this to herself.
I put the verbs in italics and you can see how the tenses change. You start with she is standing and change to she was standing. There are also two typos here. Just and out.
Then you can improve a sentence in this paragraph: and we walked right past Jill, who was standing there with her crying eyes.

We were looking at coolers and Edwin decided to get a little blue cooler with a white cover. Edwin and I walk over to the bathing suits and he tells me to go get a bathing suit I like. I trampled over to the bathing suits thinking about Jill. I pull a little pink and white one. I decided to pick that one. Even though I didn’t know if it fit me. I started lally gagging back to Edwin. I couldn't’t help but think why I was feeling so bad for Jill.

Here you are just telling actions. you are like, we went to the market and bought two sodas, then we got into the car and he started driving. After that, we stopped in a red light and looked out the window. And this just not happens here, it happens in the whole story.

I sign. Looking at Edwin is so peaceful. I could look at him for ever!

First of all, did you mean sigh? Because it definitely sounds better with a sigh.Then I think you could make this into one whole sentence. And I think some description is needed here, I mean some more description. Why can't he stop staring at her? How did he look?Was there something special about him in that moment?
Example:I sighed, looking at Edwin who was so peaceful, his eyes sparkling and staring blankly at the outside. I could look at him forever.

holding up a green and pink one or a blue and white one.

Instead of or put and.

I nodded and he just did one of those gorgeous smile.

This sentence is ok, but what was Charlie's reaction to his smile?

Edwin looked at me,"Put that away."

I smiled and said, "Make me."

I think a little description of each of their tones could be ok, like: he said in a playful tone or I smiled at him quite mischievously.

I was firious

Typo here, it's furious.

Should I tell him I feel uncomfortable being in the car with him?

I get confused here, are these her thoughts? Because if so, then you should put them in italics or something.

I blush and mumble a thanks.

I think you could put something way more interesting with the blushing part. You could say that her cheeks went a bright shade of red as she mumbled a thanks.

It looks as if were a couple.

It should be as if we are.

Overall.
I like your story very much, but I think this story lacked of description.You mentioned very little things about her thoughts or her way of being, you kept telling us or actually listing the actions. There were no things that made me love or hate your characters nor did you went deep enough for that.The description of the actions and the characters was really superficial.
There were some grammar and spelling mistakes that you should check, so that the story becomes a little more understandable. There are very few though.

This are just my opinions and I hope this wasn't too harsh. I like your story and I hope I've helped. PM if you have any questions or something.
Oh, and keep me updated.
XOXO
Pudin (sorry if i was harsh, it was not meant 'cuz I really like your story)
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine




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This was a lot better, actually. Edwin seems like a bit of a creeper... but I have guyphobia. Maybe he'll grow on me with time.
I think everything was pretty much resolved in above comments; I really enjoyed this piece; you should number it in the title, though. That was my only concern.
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
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You have put "a hour" and I think it should be an hour. There are other spelling errors, and missing words though, but that was the main thing I found.

Have I missed an entry because I'm not sure who Edwin is. I can only think he is the mysterious boy? Or have I for some random reason skipped something out of the previous.

Anyway it is very good, and can't wait to read the next one. :)
Mo. was here. :) mwahahaha



Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology