Love Song

Overview : I personally don't like it too much, it's not too good. But I wrote it a while ago, the idea just kinda struck me. I have no idea where the heck I'm going with this story, but yeah. xD
Should I continue ? Or just totally leave it.
Thanks for the input.

•••

Prologue

I stared into his ocean blue eyes, the pair unlike any on earth.
I loved his eyes, they were the picture of gorgeous. You could walk around, and see people with blue eyes, but they didn't have his eyes.
His eyes were completley and utterly a heart piercing sky blue.
His eyes, the same eyes, that would have melt me into a hopeless puddle onto the ground, ten years ago, bore into my dull dark brown, almost black eyes.
I could see my face, as I looked into his pupils, my face staring back at me.
"So we meet again." He whispered, his breath hitting against my skin, with a small amount of force, barely noticeable.
I reply, my throat dry, giving away my nervous wreck of a self, "Yes. So we meet...again."

•••


Chapter 1
"And they tell me to breathe easy for a while."

Jonathon

The first time I saw her, I couldn't stop looking.
She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.
She wore no makeup, she had this sort of natural beauty to her.
Her eyelashes were thick and lucicious, putting our Highschool's mascara wearing girl's population to embarassment.
Her eyes were a dark chocolate brown, so easy to get lost into, as if you were floating in space itself.
And her skin, smooth and silky, enough to give me a strong urgency of wanting to go up to her, and place my hand on her cheek.
Without a second thought I walked over to her, my mind already racing with clever ways to introduce myself to this beauty.
"Why, hello there. Are you new ?" I asked her, as she turned around to face me.
She gave me a look and replied haughtly, "No Mr. Jonathon Grader, I have been in the same school as you for the past three years."
I was flabbergasted, how could I have not seen her in all these years ? But than again, the way she dressed, showed she was not the one to hang out with my crowd.
She had on dark skinny jeans, and a black shirt with "Gun's N Rose's" written across it. I couldn't help but smirk, at the thought of her wearing a mini skirt, and tanktop like most of the girls in our school wore.
Without saying another word, she faced her back toward me, and walked away.
She's was going to be a tough one, but that's okay.
I like them hard to get.

Hi JD! Kat's here for a review, as promised.

1. Details!

Prologue

As I mentioned in Chat, this is spelled 'Prologue'.

I loved his eyes, they were the picture of gorgeous.

I don't think 'gorgeous' (which the correct term would be gorgeousness) is the right adjective for this situation. Maybe something more poetic, since it's romantic fiction. Or something. xD

You could walk around, and see people with blue eyes, but they didn't have his eyes.

The repetition of eyes doesn't do you any good. You have said 'eyes' three times, now, so it's time to use another word

"So we meet again." He whispered,

The period should be a comma and 'he' should be in lower case. Dialogue punctuation.

She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.

I would suggest you to trade 'so perfect' for something like just right or something.

"No Mr. Jonathon Grader, I have been in the same school as you for the past three years."

Comma after no.

I was flabbergasted, how could

Not a comma - a period would do better.

Without saying another word, she faced her back toward me, and walked away.

Not toward, because that implies that something is coming in your directing while she is walking away. Say 'she turned her back to me' or something of that sort.

II. Overall
I don't see much wrong with this, JD. It's quite short, so I can't really evaluate your description , emotion, imagery or even your characters. If you do post more of this, perhaps longer ones, I shall review it (remind me, if I don't) and point out all those things. I like your flow and tone, it has an teenagers hint to it, and I think that was the point.

Good luck!
- Kat

Overall, I liked it. It's quaint and lovely. I'd definately read more. My critiquing is in red.

JustDance=] wrote:
Prologue

I stared into his ocean blue eyes, the (I would put 'a pair', instead of 'the pair') pair unlike any on earth.
I loved his eyes, they were the picture of gorgeous. You could walk around, and see people with blue eyes, but they didn't have his eyes. I feel you use the word 'eyes' too much. Maybe 'you could walk around and see people with other shades of blue, but they weren't the same as his. Also you don't need the comma after 'walk around'.
His eyes were completley and utterly a heart piercing sky blue.
His eyes, the same eyes, (again, you use 'eyes' too much. His eyes, the exact ones - without the comma!) that would have melt me into a hopeless puddle onto the ground, ten years ago, bore into my dull dark brown, almost black eyes.
I could see my face, as I looked into his pupils, my face staring back at me.
"So we meet again." He whispered, his breath hitting against my skin, with a small amount of force, barely noticeable.
I reply, my throat dry, giving away my nervous wreck of a self, "Yes. So we meet...again."

•••


Chapter 1
"And they tell me to breathe easy for a while."

Jonathon (In italics, so we know its from his perspective)

The first time I saw her, I couldn't stop looking.
She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.
She wore no makeup, she had this sort of natural beauty to her.
Her eyelashes were thick and lucicious, putting our Highschool's mascara wearing girl's (no tick needed there) population to embarassment.
Her eyes were a dark chocolate brown, so easy to get lost into, as if you were floating in space itself.
And her skin, smooth and silky, (how does he know it is smooth aand silky if he's only just met her? 'And her skin looked smooth and silky to touch,) enough to give me a strong urgency of wanting to go up to her, and place my hand on her cheek.
Without a second thought I walked over to her, my mind already racing with clever ways to introduce myself to this beauty.
"Why, hello there. Are you new ?" I asked her, as she turned around to face me.
She gave me a look and replied haughtly, "No Mr. Jonathon Grader, I have been in the same school as you for the past three years."
I was flabbergasted, how could I have not seen her in all these years ? But than again, the way she dressed, showed she was not the one to hang out with my crowd.
She had on dark skinny jeans, and a black shirt with "Gun's N Rose's" written across it. I couldn't help but smirk, at the thought of her wearing a mini skirt, and tanktop like most of the girls in our school wore.
Without saying another word, she faced her back toward me, and walked away.
She's (If you are using She's, then you don't need the added was. I like it as 'She was going to be a tough one) was going to be a tough one, but that's okay.
I like them hard to get.

I really enjoyed this so far. You can tell that Jonathon is on of the cocky, egotistical boys from high school that is obviously the jock type. He's got a stereotype of what a high school girl should be like already, as we can tell by the way he compares the girl to others that he knows. I'd like to read more!

Prologue

I stared into his ocean blue eyes, the a pair unlike any on earth.
I loved his eyes, they were the picture of gorgeous. You could walk around, and see people with blue eyes, but they didn't have his eyes. I had to read this twice to understand - the wording is a little jumbled. Try something like "It is not unusual to see people with blue eyes, but his were different" perhaps?
His eyes were completely and utterly a heart piercing sky blue.
His eyes, the same eyes, that would have melted me into a hopeless puddle onto the ground, ten years ago, bore into my dull dark brown, almost black eyes.
I could see my face, as I looked into his pupils,my face staring back at me.
"So we meet again." He whispered, his breath hitting against my skin with a small amount of force, barely noticeable. I don't think you need that bit, it's a little over explanatory
I reply, my throat dry, giving away my nervous wreck of a self, "Yes. So we meet...again."

•••


Chapter 1
"And they tell me to breathe easy for a while."

Jonathon

The first time I saw her, I couldn't stop looking.
She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.
She wore no make up, she had this sort of natural beauty to her.
Her eyelashes were thick and luscious, putting our Highschool's 'mascara wearing' girl's population to embarassment shame.
Her eyes were a dark chocolate brown, so easy to get lost into, as if you were floating in space itself.
And her skin, smooth and silky, enough to give me a strong urgency of wanting to go up to her, and place my hand on her cheek.
Without a second thought I walked over to her, my mind already racing with clever ways to introduce myself to this beauty.
"Why, hello there. Are you new ?" I asked her, as she turned around to face me.
She gave me a look and replied haughtily, "No Mr. Jonathon Grader, I have been in the same school as you for the past three years."
I was flabbergasted, how could I have not seen her in all these years ? But than again, the way she dressed, showed she was not the one type to hang out with my crowd.
She had on dark skinny jeans, and a black shirt with "Gun's N Rose's" written across it. I couldn't help but smirk, at the thought of her wearing a mini skirt, and tank top like most of the girls in our school wore.
Without saying another word, she faced turnedher back toward me, and walked away.
She's was going to be a tough one, but that's okay - I like them hard to get a challenge?.[/quote]


Overall I thought it was really good! I love authors who describe everything in detail because to me that's what writing is all about! I am really impressed and I don't want you to take any offence by this but I genuinely thought you were older than you are and would love my younger sister to write like you do, it's really impressive. I changed a few spelling errors but I did leave some as I wasn't sure if they were American spellings, I also changed the wording of some sentences but that's obviously up to you if you want to change them

...bore into my dull dark brown, almost black, eyes.

She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.

Redundency.

She wore no makeup. She had this sort of natural beauty to her.

putting our Highschool's mascara wearing girl's population to embarassment.

No need for that word to be capitalized.

Without a second thought, I walked over to her,

"No, Mr. Jonathon Grader,..."

I was flabbergasted. How could I have not seen her in all these years ?

She had on dark skinny jeans, and a black shirt with "Gun's N Rose's" written across it. I couldn't help but smirk,

Before this, I pictured the girl to be look like a godess. This statement made me snap out of that image.

Overall:
I agree with you, Dance-aroni, this piece here is nothing special. You have a great writing style, though the story itself isn't so swell.