Lovesick

Heart broken.
Dreams shattered.
Soul torn in two.
Say goodbye
To sun and sky.
The feeling’s more than you.

I’m here, you’re there.
Well, my body’s here.
So dejected, I’ve elected
To sit here and cry about it.

It’s so strong.
I never knew.
And all of this because of you.
If you only realized
How much you shape my world.

There’s a storm outside.
I hear the rain tap the roof.
It reminds me of you.
Cliché, I know.
But it’s so true.
Even this computer screen
Reminds me of you.
No, I don’t know why.

So now I’m finished
Wish this cheesy poem
That you will never read.
It sounds like all the others,
But I’ll never judge them again.
Why? Because I know how those writers felt
When they wrote them.
They were lovesick.

***

This is probably the worst poem I've ever written, so I won't be offended if you send me really critical reviews. I've never been that great at poetry.

I'm kinda crappy at critiquing and at poetry, too. But I rather liked your one Good work!

Hello, I'm Vernon and I'll be your reviewer. Please understand that though this will sound harsh. It's meant to improve you. So when reading my review, understand that. Let me be blunt, there poetry to show, and poetry for diaries, this should have stayed in your diary. It's contrived, cliche, utterly jaded snd the emotions are weak.

I'm going to explain why.

To come across clearly, writing about loss of a love, is hard, it's very hard, but it can be done. You first need to drop the idea that it's unique to you. You first need to instead try get the readers to empathise with ya. Make us feel the pain of your loss. A rule of cards here, is show don't tell.

You want us to feel sorry for ya yes, you want the readers to feel what it's like to have your heart torn out, fine. But subtlty is the master of design, you can place many a metaphor to evoke imagery in the minds of those readers.

Next thing, the five senses come in great handy here, you tell us what you see, but touch, hearing and scent are ignored. And this is a great way to really capture the readers with it. What do you hear, feel, smell? Seem so obvious but so often forgotten.

Lastly is this, when writing this type of poem, make it personal to ya, as in you make the poem unique to the readers eye, give them a view of heart ache they've never seen.

I said I was going to be harsh, but here, seems much better to just give a little guiding hand.

I really hoped this helped
VSN

This is a really effective poem. When I write poetry I tend to ramble on till I confuse people but by keeping it concise and clear I know exactly what you're talking about. Very very effective. Good work.

I liked this poem. I don't know why but I just to. I would like to read more of your work.