Out of the blue

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“It's gotta be her.” the man said to his friend as he finished off his drink. Staring at a woman across the crowded dance floor, she was surrounded by playboys, laughing and flirting like any woman would. But there was something different about her, she didn't throw herself at them, she would give a gentle nudge to their shoulder and smile at a crude joke.
“Then why don't you go and say hello?” the man's best friend, Duke Hazley, offered, playing with the little umbrella in his drink.
“I can't, I haven't seen Kate Manning in eighteen years, ever since we both went our separate ways at the end of High School.” the man sighed, watching the golden haired beauty. “It would be weird anyway.” he turned away, sulking.
“Buddy, you've got to jump back on that horse!” Duke cried encouragingly, slapping his timid friend hard on the back. “Come on, it's guys night out! Why, I haven't seen you this bummed out, since Cindy What's-her-face, dumped you last July.”
The man's brown eyes darkened at the mention of his ex. “Cindy Clawson, that slut.” he sneered.
“And that, ladies and gentleman, is why you should go over and talk to the blonde.” Duke laughed, as he stood up stretching his machine gun like arms.
“Where are you going?” the man asked.
Duke grinned, showing snow white teeth. “To talk to the blonde, if your not, then I will.”
The man quickly stood up, feeling short compared to his gigantic 6'6 southern Georgia friend. “Oh no your not!”
Duke began to walk off in the direction of the beautiful blonde. “Just watch me.”
His friend stood wide eyed, opened mouth, after Duke. “Come back here!” he yelled over the big band type music. But Duke just kept walking, grumbling to himself, the man ran and caught up with his idiot southern friend.
“This is going to end badly.” he sighed, as they walked through the dance floor, in between sweaty bodies.
“Live a little, would you?” Duke asked, pushing his way past the dancers. “I haven't seen you this freaked out since that one Biology test in Ms. Frosh's class in college.”
“Well you know the saying “All work and no play.” that's my motto.” he said, freezing up when they came within yards of the laughing woman.
“Dumb ass.” Duke said, out of the side of his mouth, as he pushed himself past the wall of playboys, within breathing distance of the Grecian Goddess sitting on a bar-stool drinking a Coke.
Some of the other men grumbled and complained at his antics. “Excuse me ma'am,” he drawled, putting on a thick southern accent, he tipped his giant cowboy hat at her. She smiled at this. “But a friend of mine would like to know if you would give him the pleasure of dancing with him.”
The woman set down her coke, her big blue eyes curious. “Friend?” she asked, in a sweet small voice. “I see no friend, only a big ole southern boy.”
Duke side-stepped, revealing his friend. “May I introduce my friend-”
“Sammy?” the woman gasped.
The smaller man of the two shrugged his shoulders, an easy smile on his lips. “Hey Katey.” he said softly.
The pretty blonde hopped down from the bar-stool, throwing her arms around the man she called Sammy. “Oh, Sam I can't believe it's you, after all this time.” she gushed holding on to him with all the might her small girlish arms could muster.
Sam Harrison breathed in deeply at Katey's sweet flowery, fragrance, holding her in his arms gave him so many flashbacks he couldn't see straight.
“Yea, it's me, Katey.” his voice gave off a morose note.
Kate Manning untangled herself from her old childhood friend. “How have you been?” she tentatively asked, forgetting the playboys she had been entertaining earlier. Sam went to answer her question, when she help up a delicately manicured finger. “Hold that thought Sam.” she turned to the gentlemen and Duke. “Excuse me guys, but I have some catching up to do with an old friend.” taking Sam's arm she led them off to a secluded area.
They sat down at a round booth, with black velvet seat cushions, and black lace curtains for privacy.
“Well, here we are.” Sam interjected, sitting on the opposite side of Kate. He tugged at his navy stripped tie.
Katey just smiled, her wholesome little smile. Her spaghetti strap canary yellow dress she wore showing off her beautifully tanned shoulders. “Sammy,” she grinned even more. “What have you been up to?” she asked, waving for a waitress.
“Uh...” Sam paused, suddenly feeling hot, he ran his finger around the collar of his light blue button down shirt. “What do you mean? It's been so long, what do you want to know?”
She laughed that silver bell laugh, that he loved. “Well where did you go to college? That is where we left off right?” Katey waved at the waitress again, who was flirting with a couple business men.
“Uh...Harvard.” Sam said a little shyly, he didn't understand why, this was Katey, his best-est best friend since pre-school, first grade, junior high, and high school!
Her face shown pleasure, she was happy for him. “Wow, that's huge! That's amazing Sammy.”
“Thanks, how about you?” he asked, taking a peek out from the curtain, wondering where Duke was.
“Washington University.” Kate said proudly, again waving for a waiter, a waitress, somebody!
Sam put his fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly, finally getting the waitress's attention.
The waitress had black hair piled high on her head like a bee-hive, smacking her gum as she entered into their little coven.
“What can I get for you?” she asked with a bored sigh.
Katey placed her order first. “I'll have a Shirley Temple, extra cherries please.”
Sam gave the waitress a once over when Katey was giving her order. She had the typical waitress outfit, white button down shirt black tie and black dress pants.
He read her name tag when she turned to take his order, it read “Flo” he almost laughed at this. “I'll have an iced tea.”
“I'll be right back with you drinks.” she smarted, flouncing off towards the kitchen.
“No beer?” Katey asked with some surprise.
“No gin?” Sam offered in return, twisting a napkin in his lap.
Katey shook her head. “Nope, gave up on that some time ago.”
“Same here.” he added with a smile. “Next question?”
Kathleen Abigail Manning, leaned back folding her arms behind her head, her sweet lips puckering in thought. “Job?”
“Architect.” he said looking at his watch not that he was bored or anything, 11:00pm.
“That's pretty cool.”
“You?” Sam asked, unwrapping his fork and knife.
“Obstetrician Gynecologist.” Katey said smartly, knowing that Sam would not know what the heck she just said.
He looked up confused. “Huh?”
“OB\Gyn.” she shortened it, knowing he still wouldn't get it.
Sam continued to fiddle with undoing the knife and fork. “Come again, in plain English.”
“I deliver babies.” she said slowly, just as Flo, the waitress, was delivering their drinks, to bad for Flo that Sam was a klutz at heart and as he finally got what Katey was trying to tell him what she did for a living, the knife jumped out from the cloth napkin landing directly on the tray of drinks, scaring the poor waitress, causing her to jump back and spill everything on her.
Flo screamed, she was covered in the non-alcoholic drinks. At her scream every head in the club turned to stare at them.
Sam's mouth hung wide open, “I am so sorry!” he cried trying to help her clean up.
The waitress scowled, pushing Sam's hands away. “It's ok sir,” she gritted through her teeth.
Sam sat back in his seat pretty embarrassed. He looked over at Katey who was barely able to hold in her laughter. When the waitress left she let loose.
“Oh my god!” she gasped clutching at her sides. “Well, ha ha, that'll teach ha ha her to ignore costumers.” she giggled.
“Katey, stop laughing!” Sam urged, his cheeks still red from embarrassment.
Katey wiped at the corners of her sparkling blue eyes, she then stared at Sam. Comparing what he used to look like when high school ended and now.
Sam had dark cropped brown hair, still as thick as it once was when he was eleven. He had laugh lines around his even darker eyes, chiseled cheek bones, a firm jaw and chin, sexy lips.
Not at all what he looked like back in his senior year, shaggy hair, stern eyes, he wasn't as chiseled as he is now, but his body was still the same from what she could tell. Beneath that dark grey suit, what he used to have was six pack abs, biceps the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger's head, he was just a beautiful teen, and still was.
Sam caught her staring, he nervously ran his hand through his hair. “What are you staring at?” he asked, hoping he didn't have anything in his teeth.
Katey shook her head, focusing on Sam now instead of back in the day. “Whatever happened to us Sam?” she said a little sadly.
“It all started senior year, I was dating the head cheerleader, Barbie Gammon, and you were dating-”
“Ken Macintosh.” Katey finished. “The quarter back.”
“Yea,” Sam sighed reminiscing over his high school sweetheart. “Their married now, have two kids Kelly, their daughter, and Skipper their son.”
“Bitch.” Katey coughed.
“Hey Ken wasn't a southern belle either.” Sam corrected.
Katey shrugged. “Why didn't we ever date?” she asked nonchalantly.

Sam looked around the room for their waitress, pretending to not hear her question. “You know I don't think we're going to get our drinks tonight.”
“Sam.” she said firmly.
He looked her straight in the eye, giving her his undivided attention. “We were friends, friends don't date.”
“Why?”
“Because it would mess with the friendship.” he stated matter of fact.
“That's it?” she asked, inching closer to him.
“Yep.” he nodded, looking around the little booth they were in, for the first time that night.
“What are we now?” she asked still inching closer, he either didn't seem to mind or most like Sam just didn't notice, he was never very observant.
“Victims of serendipity.” he said.
Katey stopped moving, she laughed. “Married?”
“I was engaged, found her with my brother.” he said darkly, trying not to remember that night.
Katey laid a comforting hand on his broad shoulder. “Josh?”
He shook his head. “No, Steve. Josh is married now, starting a family of his own.”
“Oh, what did you do about Steve?”
“Went to his wedding, he married my ex.” he added a little bitterly.
“Oh Sam.” she stroked his cheek, feeling sorry for him.
“It's ok, how about you?” he asked, shoving that era in his life back in it's box.
Katey sat back, folding her arms. “Engaged.” she exhaled.
“Congrats, brain surgeon?” Sam asked looking at his watch again, 12:30am.
Katey smiled shaking her head. “Nope, Cardiologist.”
Sam grinned. “Ah...foot doctor!”
Katey punched him softly in the arm. “Heart doctor.”
“Well if you want to get technical.” he rolled his warm brown eyes.
“Well I do.” she made a face, causing him to laugh.
“So, is it serious with Dr. Quinn medicine wo- I mean man?” he laughed.
“Sam!” she gasped in mock horror, hitting him again.
“Well is it?”
“Only on Tuesdays.” she said seriously, and then pointed to a waiter bringing them their drinks, finally.
“Sorry about the wait folks.” he profusely apologized, handing Katey her Shirley Temple and Sam his iced tea.
After the waiter had left, Sam started back on their conversation beforehand. “Well?” he asked.
“I was serious, Tuesday is the only day we get to see each other, every other day it's here's you new baby congratulations! Oh you want a new brain? Ok! Let me just tell my fiance of two years to keep our five year anniversary dinner warm.” she huffed, blue eyes sparking lightning bolts.
“I'm sorry Katey, that's gotta be rough.” he patted her hand.
“Eh.” she shrugged, still upset.
Wanting to make her forget about her loser fiance, Sam thought he would entertain them a little. “Did you ever want to kiss me in High School?” he asked just out of curiosity.
Katey took a sip of her watered down drink. “Did you ever want to kiss me?”
“Irrelevant.” he stated, tearing packets of sugar and dumping them into his tea.
“It is not.” she said firmly.
“Yes it is, because I have always wanted to kiss you.” he said softly, not once making eye contact.
She folded her arms. Determined. “What's stopping you?”
He took a drink of his iced tea, satisfaction right there. “The ring on your finger.”
She looked down at her ring finger, and then slowly slid it off. “An affair to remember?”
“I hate New York.”
“Paris?”
“One word, pigeons.” he replied disgusted.
She thought frantically for a moment. “H-he bores me.”
“Who?” Sam asked, staring at the three caret diamond.
“Dr. Moses Ronald, people at the hospital call him Dr. Mo-Ron. But I'm not allowed to because it would look bad.” she babbled.
“Moses Ronald?” Sam questioned, biting back a laugh.
“Barbie Gammon.” Katey scowled.
“What are you trying to say?” he asked, ignoring the comment on his high school girlfriend.
“That I'm Burt and your Ernie!” she tried to explain.
“We're two fuzzy puppets with hands jammed up our butts?” he was still confused.
“No!” she cried, slamming her fist on the table. “What I'm trying to say is, I love you, and I don't want to marry Dr. Mo-Ron! Sam I've loved you ever since we were kids, all the way up to senior year, and then some. And seeing you tonight just made me love you more, so what I'm asking now is, do you love me to?”
Sam looked at his watch. “I've only known for you a couple ours lady.” he joked. Katey slapped him hard, he didn't feel it of course, but there was some force. “I'm kidding Katey, of course I love you, no one but you!”
She smiled. “Then ask me the damn question!”
“Check please?” he asked, raising his hand in the air.
Katey hit him again, then she took his face in between her hands and kissed him profoundly on the lips.
“Oh that question.” he laughed, kissing her back.
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




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Hello, I'm OxfordandOnyx and I'll be reviewing your story (:

Grammer
Yes, there are obviously a few mistakes but if you re-read you'll find most of those yourself and then you can sort those out.


Opening
"It's gotta be her"
First off, I do like the opening line. It grabs the reader, we immediately want to know, "Who is it?" and no author wants to give away the whole show too fast and at least for a couple of lines you reserve the element of mystry. However, the way you kept calling the main character "the man" was slightly unnecessary for this plot, there is no need for this to be a mysterious element.

Plot
I can't say that I was pleased with the direction in which you lead your chracters. This is where my point about slowing the pace of plot line down a bit. Katey and Sam have just met for the first time in years I assume? I just don't believe they would acting this cosey with on another so soon in reuiniting. A spark of chemistry is fine but within five minutes you have the two main characters disscussing marital problems and professing thier love for each other. You would have to make this first meeting sound belivable; maybe you could try slowly exploring how deep their feelings go for each other. Seeing as this Katey girl is a married woman, how about her feeling a bit guilty for this instant attraction.

Desrciption and dialouge
You vividly describe the setting and all people within the bar and already we have an idea of what the characters are like (minor including), even though we are one chapter in the story. I am partly refering to Flo, the waitress, very bored and laid back. With the way you added in the fact that she was snapping her gum, I build a picture of this character in my head. However, I feel you are over-describing minor aspects of the characters sometimes, especailly as this is only one chapter it begins to irk the reader. For example, you tell us three times of her '(Sparkly) blue eyes", or "Blue eyes sparkling lightening bolts". You need to tone this down and you when you do, you'll find you are still able to convey the girl's beauty to the reader.
I like the way the characters communicate in a very chatty way which is easily relatable; you have also managed to interwine humour into your story, which I definately enjoed.


Overall.
The humour in this story is one of my favourite aspects, including the friendly banter between Sam and his friend. To improve on your story I think you need to tweak the pace of the plot and not rush in to the romance of the two friends. I enjoed reading this and it definately made me smile once or twice; you are on your way to developing this into a sweet little romance!
Good luck!

OxfordandOnyx
Four kinds of people I hate most in life.
1. People who use a preposition to end a sentence with.
2. People who can't count.
3. People who think it's 'clever' to quote ironic phrases.




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Hi there! First off, welcome to YWS! I hope you're liking it here!! =D

Okay, my name is Lucy and I have decided to be your reviewer for today (:
I'll let you know about my reviewing style: First off I will go through the whole piece with you, making [comments/suggestions] and edits or extra adding ins. Then at the end I will give you my overall thoughts on this piece. Well, I think that's all so lets get this show on the road! I hope this helps you out!! :D

Addawen19 wrote:“It's gotta be her.[replace with comma]” the man said to his friend as he finished off his drink. Staring at a the woman across the crowded dance floor, he could see that she was surrounded by playboys, laughing and flirting like any woman would. But there was something different about her,[I think you should have a full stop here to emphasise this sentence] . She didn't throw herself at them, she would just give a gentle nudge to their shoulders and smile [maybe have a verb here? Have did she smile?] at a crude joke.
“Then why don't you go and say hello?” the man's best friend, Duke Hazley, offered, playing with the little umbrella in his drink.
“I can't, I haven't seen Kate Manning in eighteen years, ever since we both went our separate ways at the end of High School.” The man sighed, [why aren't you using his actual name? watching the golden haired beauty. “It would be weird anyway.” He turned away, sulking.
“Buddy, you've got to jump back on that horse!” Duke cried encouragingly, slapping his timid friend hard on the back. “Come on, it's a guy's night out! Why, I haven't seen you this bummed out,[delete comma] since Cindy What's-her-face, dumped you last July.”
The man's brown eyes darkened at the mention of his ex. “Cindy Clawson, that slut.[replace with comma” he sneered.
“And that, ladies and gentleman, is why you should go over and talk to the blonde.” Duke laughed, as he stood up stretching his machine gun like arms [I would try and use a different description here, as that one's slightly awkward and doesn't make complete sense (:].
“Where are you going?” the man [you really need to use his name, unless there is some unknown reason for not doing it? Otherwise there really is no need and distracts me from the actual story-telling]asked.
Duke grinned, showing snow white teeth. “To talk to the blonde, if your you're not your as it lengthens out to you are] not, then I will.”
The man quickly stood up, feeling short compared to his gigantic 6'6 southern Georgia friend. “Oh no you're not!”
Duke began to walk off in the direction of the beautiful blonde. “Just watch me.”
His friend stood stared wide eyed, opened mouthed, after Duke. “Come back here!” he yelled over the big band type music. But Duke just kept walking,[you need either a full stop or a semi-colon here as a longer pause is needed (: ] grumbling to himself, the man ran and caught up with his idiot southern friend.
“This is going to end badly.[replace with comma]” he sighed, as they walked through the dance floor,[delete comma - no need for it here] in between sweaty bodies.
“Live a little, would you?” Duke asked, pushing his way past the dancers. “I haven't seen you this freaked out since that one Biology test in Ms. Frosh's class in college.”
“Well you know the saying “All work and no play.[scrap the full stop here - not needed]” that's my motto.[replace with comma]” he said, freezing up when they came within yards of the laughing woman.
“Dumb ass.[replace with comma]” Duke said, out of the side of his mouth, as he pushed himself past the wall of playboys, within breathing distance of the Grecian Goddess sitting on a bar-stool drinking a Coke [how does he know this? Perhaps it would be better to say: what looked like a Coke[i]?][/i].
Some of the other men grumbled and complained at his antics. “Excuse me ma'am,” he drawled. Putting on a thick southern accent, he tipped his giant cowboy hat at her. She smiled at this. “But a friend of mine would like to know if you would give him the pleasure of dancing with him.”
The woman set down her coke, her big blue eyes curious. “Friend?” she asked, in a sweet small voice. “I see no friend, only a big ole ol' southern boy.”
Duke side-stepped, revealing his friend. “May I introduce my friend-”
“Sammy?” the woman gasped.
The smaller man of the two shrugged his shoulders, an easy smile on his lips. “Hey Katey.[replace with comma]” he said softly.
The pretty blonde hopped down from the bar-stool, throwing her arms around the man she called Sammy. “Oh, Sam I can't believe it's you, after all this time.[Maybe an exclamation mark would fit in here? Otherwise it would need to be replaced with a comma]” she gushed holding on to him with all the might her small girlish arms could muster.
Sam Harrison breathed in deeply at Katey's sweet[comma] flowery,[delete comma] fragrance. Holding her in his arms gave him so many flashbacks he couldn't see straight [try and expand on this a little. You could say maybe what he feels towards these flashbacks? Do they fill him with a sense of happiness, or sadness? Or do they bring up mixed emotions? If so, what? What images does he see? You don't need to go into complete detail, but if you could build up some kind of picture then that would be nice (: ].
“Yeah, it's me, Katey.” His voice gave off a morose note.
Katey Manning untangled herself from her old childhood friend. “How have you been?” she tentatively asked, forgetting the playboys she had been entertaining earlier. Sam went to answer her question, when she held up a delicately manicured finger. “Hold that thought[comma] Sam.” She then turned to the gentlemen and Duke. “Excuse me guys, but I have some catching up to do with an old friend.” Taking Sam's arm she led them off to a secluded area [what can he/can't he see from this secluded area? Try and build up a picture of his surroundings].
They sat down at a round booth, with black velvet seat cushions, and black lace curtains for privacy.
“Well, here we are.[replace with comma” Sam interjected [I would perhaps use a different word as 'interject' refers to cutting in and as he wasn't speaking, she's not cutting in on his speech, yes? (: ], sitting on the opposite side of Katey [you need to make sure you constantly use the same name in narrative, the only times you can alternate is during speech, you've got to try and keep the narrative constant so as not to confuse the reader (: ]. He tugged at his navy stripped [only one 'p' needed] tie.


Okay I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop here as this is quite long, which I didn't realise before I started and I don't have the time to finish it off, sorry (: . I still have picked up on a lot so I'll now go through my thoughts with you...

Last Minute Views
'The man'
Why didn't you use the MC's name from the start? To be totally honest it was off-putting and unnecessary, so I would advise that you used his name from the start as you are writing in third person and the advantage of that is knowing everyone's names before the characters do. (:

Grammar during speech
You may have noticed I kept on saying for you to replace a full stop with a comma during speech, and if you have a look at this very handy article that wrote in the Knowledge Base it will explain everything to you :D. And I have just found out that the Knowledge Base isn't available at the moment so I'll have to tell you myself instead :wink: . By the way, when it's up and running, the Knowledge Base is a very cool place full of really handy articles about grammar and so much more, so I would totally advise that you take a look around :D .

Okay, back to grammar during speech:
1. Remember that speech still intertwines into the actual sentence, so to write: "I think this is nice." she said is making the speech and the 'she said' parts separate which doesn't make sense. So! You need to have: "I think this is nice," she said. And the comma can be changed to a question/exclamation mark if necessary.

2. The only time in which you use a full stop to separate the speech is if you go on to describe an action afterwards. For example, "You are so going to regret this." He pointed at her with accusing eyes. This needs a break between it, as otherwise you would be saying that he pointed what he said, which so doesn't make sense! Also notice that I've capitalised the 'He' as it counts as two separate sentences. You can also obviously change the full stop to an exclamation/question mark if needed.

3. Lastly, if you look at this: "What is that?" she asked. You will notice that even though I used a question mark to end the speech, the 'she' afterwards was not capitalised as is the rule usually if it was to be used in a normal sentence without speech, but it just doesn't count, as the tag 'she asked' is still the part of the same sentence. This is the same for an exclamation mark also :D.

If that didn't make any sense at all, just let me know and I'll keep my eye out for the return of the Knowledge Base and let you know :D, or I could try again ;) . Just please let me know whether or not that was helpful.

Other grammar
You need to watch out how and where you use your commas as you sometimes used them incorrectly. Remember that a comma is used for a short, natural pause in a sentence where the reader can momentarily catch breath in that case of them reading aloud. So, when you check through your work, read it aloud and take note of where your commas are and if they work there and if not does it need to be just removed or replaced with another piece of punctuation: full stop, semi-colon, colon, etc. (:

Finally... description!
There wasn't enough description in your piece for my liking, especially of your character's surroundings. Try and work on showing instead of telling and on creating an image for your readers to see whilst they are reading your work. Close your eyes and visualise the scene unfolding out like a movie in your mind, then describe what you see so your readers can see it too. Try and make use of the senses: sight, touch, taste, smell, hear and create that vivid picture I know you can create! (:

Overall Thoughts
This was a very promising piece and I'm sorry that I didn't get to finish it off. You have a nice writing style which is easy to follow and enjoyable to read. Just try and work on those points above, especially your description, and just good luck on this piece! You have real great potential, so keep it up! :D I hope this review was helpful to you and if you have any questions, need me for anything else, or just want me to complete my review or anything else please don't hesitate to PM me as I'll be more than happy to help =D.

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."



Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
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