My Nightmare

It did not take much
for them to abandon me.
Just a shooting pain,
tearing me away from the lights
of my glory.

I had been their star,
the winner of them all,
leading them to victory
over the enemy.

But what do they care,
now that I have failed?
They will no longer look at me
with pride and honor,
they prefer the look of spite.

They blame me,
saying it was my fault.
I could've stopped that muscle
from tearing itself from my body.

I seethe in anger,
wishing them gone,
wishing my fame restored.

But the pain is still there,
a constant reminder
of my failure.

This is my nightmare,
my one anxiety,
a dream destroyed
and no friends to help me
overcome this evil dream.

As it is, the reader doesn't feel bad for you. This is more like a story being told emotionlessly. Also, don't TELL us this is your nightmare, show us. Rather than just coming out and saying "This is my nightmare" use other, more powerful words that get that same point across more effectively.

How do you delete? I hate this poem.

I think the concept and meaning behind this poem was good, but I am sorry to say the way you wrote it just didn't put your point across well enough. I didn't feel the anger and hurt - the spite or sadness. It was tedious to read in some places and the flow was all wrong in my eyes.

But, I don't think it should be deleted. You're definately onto something here and with a bit of editing and a spit shine, it will be a wonderful piece. Read some similar pieces of poetry and try to find your own unique style, then fuse it full of passion and anger - emotions that the reader can relate to, that always makes it a better read.

Hope this helps.

If you want it deleted, PM a moderator. (Like me!)

As to the critique, it's a very good idea for the poem but it was poorly worked out. They sad it all above--it's too emotionless. You tell to much, and use no poetic devices like metaphor, symbolism, imagery, alliteration, etc, etc, to further your meaning. Try thinking about an emotion you would want your reader to feel--depression, pain, the lack of an ability? And find ways to express that. Write down a list of words(feeling words) that make you think of that feeling, and try to use them in your poetry. Er. Yes. heh. Hope this helps!

I think it was very dry, very staccato. Don't be afraid to let loose, just speak from the heart. The lines here seem a bit forced, as if you are writing to meet certain proportions, instead of freewriting. I hope you can find the inner poet that you have!

-Evang.

It wasn't good, nor was it bad.

I just think you didn't spend much time on this poem.
The concept of the poem is good, but it still needs a lot of work on its imagery.

I dont think it is bad.
Just work on it.