Forever with you

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Another short story i'm working it. It's still a little rough around the edges, so any comments are welcome.

Chapter one

April stood at the edge of the bath. Bending forward she turned on the faucet, adjusting the hot and cold taps until it was hot, but not so hot that it burnt. She untied the belt of her silk robe and let it drop to the floor. As the water continued to run, she sat on the seat of the toilet and began to cry.
It had been three months since her family was killed in the car crash; her mother, her father and her little brother. Her grandparents had died four years ago and she never knew her aunties, uncles or cousins. Her job was shit, she didn’t like anybody who worked there. At the age of twenty four she was alone. Except for Robert, her landlord. He was friendly enough and she got on well with him. In the last couple of months while she was off work on compassionate leave he let her live in her flat free of charge. But even his friendship wasn’t enough.
On top of the wash basin next to her was a small metal make-up box. She picked it up and opened it. Inside was a single pair of scissors. Picking them up, April walked over to the bath and turned off the faucet. As she stepped in to the tub she let out a small squeal, the water was hotter than she expected, but it didn’t matter. She lowered herself and sighed as the hot water slowly enveloped her. First her calves, thighs and buttocks, then her hips and belly, before finally settling around her breasts. She closed her eyes and relaxed. Then she picked up the scissors once more in her right hand. She was shaking as the blade cut into her wrist. April winced in pain and began to sob as she drew the scissors up her arm. When she stopped and opened her eyes the water was already quickly turning red. Her sobbing increased as she allowed the blood to drain.
Slowly April began to close her eyes.
Suddenly there was a knock at her front door.
‘April, you home?’ It was Robert. She didn’t know what to do. As she tried to sit up she slipped. The force of the slip put pressure on her wrist, she cried out in pain.
‘April! April are you ok!’ Robert began to bang on the door. ‘April open up!’
In the bath, April was feeling faint; she closed her eyes as the jingling of keys sounded outside. The last thing she remembered was the blurring figure heading towards her as her world went blank.

Waiting in the corridor of the hospital, Robert couldn’t stop himself from pacing outside April’s door. After managing to drag her out of the bath he’d managed to stifle the bleeding with towels and then phoned for the ambulance. The paramedics rushed her into the ambulance and wrapped her arm in a tight bandage until they got to the hospital. Once there they stitched her up and began the blood transfusion. Currently she was still unconscious from the loss of blood.
As Robert continued to pace, the doctor emerged from April’s room.
‘How is she?’ Robert asked.
‘She’ll live. Gave us quite a scare though.’
‘You’re telling me. I guess she’s still pretty messed up since her family…you know?’
The doctor nodded. ‘The thing I’m most worried about is her mental state.’
‘No kidding,’ a hint of sarcasm.
‘Sorry, I guess that was pretty obvious given the situation. It’s just while we were stitching her up, she did wake up for a moment.’
‘Really? Did she say anything?’
‘That’s just it, she was completely unresponsive, didn’t say a word, showed no emotion, didn’t even flinch at the needle.’
‘You think she’s, like, had a mental breakdown or something?’
‘It looks like a possibility; we won’t know the full extent until she wakes up.’
‘I see. Can I see her?’
‘Sure, go ahead.’
Robert walked through the door and walked over the bed on which April lay. He thought she looked so peaceful. Her head was tilted to one side resting on the pillow, her body stretched out along the bed beneath the sheet, her knees were bent slightly. Her left wrist was bandaged to the elbow. Robert sat down on the chair next to the bed and took her right hand in his left. He only really knew April as a tenant. They’d had dinner together once when she first moved in and they’d been out for drinks a couple of times, but that was all. Still he felt an obligation towards her wellbeing. She didn’t have any family and as far as he was aware, no friends either. As he continued to hold her hand, he turned his face towards hers. She really was beautiful. He’d never noticed before. He always thought she was pretty cute, but watching her now, her smooth porcelain skin, high cheek bones, full lips and, had she not been asleep, her startling blue eyes, he realized that she was absolutely stunning. Perhaps he always thought it, but never considered it to be true. Whichever way he looked at it, he now knew it.
Just as he started to turn away, April let out the tiniest of moans, a high pitched, almost whine. Studying her closer, Robert noticed tears were forming in the corners of her eyes, and his heart sank. Quietly he whispered.
‘I’ll take care of you,’ then he thought, until you’re better, maybe even after that, I’ll take care of you.

The next day Robert was allowed to take April home. She’d woken up last night and remained as catatonic as the doctor said she’d been before. After a number of tests it was concluded that the best medicine for her would be time. He had to fill in various forms to appoint himself her official carer for as long as it took for her to recover. As the only job Robert had was a live-in landlord, he’d have plenty of time for her.
He pushed April, in her wheel chair, through the doors of the building. It was a shame she didn’t live on the ground floor, luckily though the building did have a lift.
As April had only been in hospital for a day and a bit, it hadn’t been worth the nurses bathing her, but it was still enough time for her to get a little grimy. The doctor had suggested that the first thing Robert did was to give her a bath.
Standing in April’s bathroom, Robert felt a small knot tighten in his stomach. Despite scrubbing the bath yesterday he could still see faint hints of blood on the white plastic. Then he remembered there was nobody in the room next door. He quickly ran down stairs to retrieve the key. He walked in and prepared the bath and towels, then he wheeled April in. Robert lifted her out of the wheelchair and lay her on the bed, then he began to undress her. Although he’d seen her naked the other night when he dragged her out of the bath, in his panic he didn’t really see her. Now though, as he’d noticed her beauty yesterday, he now noticed that the rest of her was just as striking, her flat stomach and full breasts, her long, smooth legs and slim hips - all covered in beautifully unblemished pale skin. Roberts gaze drifted between her legs.
‘Jesus Christ Rob,’ he said to himself when he realized what he was doing, then he looked into April’s eyes. ‘Sorry,’ he said.
Putting his arms beneath her shoulders and knees, Robert lifted April, carried her into the bathroom and gently lowered her into the bath
‘You ok?’ He asked, knowing she couldn’t answer. He’d made sure the water wasn’t too hot though. Now came the realization that he’d have to touch her naked body, albeit through a sponge.
After cleaning the top half of her body and her legs, Robert now began to rinse the area between April’s hips. April seem to react to this, closing her eyes and exhaling softy. Robert smiled.
‘Glad to see we’re both enjoying this,’ at that he thought he glimpsed from her an attempt at a smile.




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Wow this is really good!Flawless! please write the next chapter!
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Hey Burgs, Evi here. ^^ Love the avatar, by the way. :P

April stood at the edge of the bath.


As far as first sentences go, this one doesn't offer much. It establishes the setting (a bathroom) and a character (April) but it doesn't really tell us anything about what's going on in the bathroom, or what this April character is doing. I find it most effective to begin a short story with either an action sentence of a unique description that pulls the reader in. Now, see what this adds to the sentence:

April stood at the edge of the bath and watched her tears drip into the water.

You don't necessarily have to use it, but it adds that undercurrent of conflict-- which is what drives a story. ;)

Bending forward she turned on the faucet, adjusting the (hot and cold) taps until it was hot, but not so hot that it burnt.


Watch over-repeating words so close together, like 'hot' in this case. Try reworking it so the word is only used once in the sentence. Synonyms work well for situations like this. Or, you can just remove what I put into parentheses.

It had been three months since her family was killed in the car crash; her mother, her father and her little brother. Her grandparents had died four years ago and she never knew her aunties, uncles or cousins. Her job was shit, she didn’t like anybody who worked there.


a.) First sentence seems so abrupt. :? I don't know, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with it-- it does get a point across --but the deaths are stated so bluntly. Maybe you could try working a little subtlety into this sentence; use a metaphor maybe, or soften it with some different word choice.

Also, that semi-colon could probably work better as a double dash (--).

b.) The comma in sentence three should be a semi-colon. Since both clauses on either side of the punctuation are full sentences, the semi-colon is use. ^^

Slowly April began to close her eyes.

Suddenly there was a knock at her front door.


These two sentences aren't giving the effect you're aiming for, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, people don't generally 'begin' to close their eyes, because closing your eyes is such a quick process it's almost instantaneous. It's not the kind of thing someone can be interrupted in. So, take out the 'began to'. And, really, people generally don't do it slowly either. But that's a preference things, so I'll let it go. ;)

Secondly, I'd suggest combining these two sentences like so:

April closed her eyes just as she heard a knock at her front door.

In the bath, April was feeling faint; she closed her eyes as the jingling of keys sounded outside. The last thing she remembered was the blurring figure heading towards her as her world went blank.


Waiting in the corridor of the hospital, Robert couldn’t stop himself from pacing outside April’s door. After managing to drag her out of the bath he’d managed to stifle the bleeding with towels and then phoned for the ambulance. The paramedics rushed her into the ambulance and wrapped her arm in a tight bandage until they got to the hospital. Once there they stitched her up and began the blood transfusion. Currently she was still unconscious from the loss of blood.


In between these two paragraphs, you switch character viewpoints, from April's to Robert's. Try to indicate this more, maybe with an asterisk (*) or something. Otherwise the readers feel like they're missing the transition here.

‘I see. Can I see her?’


'See' is repeated again. I'd rephrase this so it's not.

Robert sat down on the chair next to the bed and took her right hand in his left.


I think it's inconsequential to put which hand he grabbed, really. I'd suggest taking the 'left' and 'right' out just because they're unnecessary words cluttering the story.

He pushed April, in her wheel chair, through the doors of the building.


Why is she in a wheel-chair? She only hurt her arms/wrists, so she should be able to stand. If they're worried about her passing out from blood loss again, they wouldn't have released her yet.

Oh, wait, she's still unconscious? :? Hmm, I'm not sure about the believability of this. She couldn't have lost that much blood, really, because Robert came in almost immediately, and you don't make it sound as if she cut herself seriously enough to keep her unconscious for a day or two. Also, no way the hospital would release her if she hadn't even regained consciousness yet. This just doesn't seem realistic enough. You might want to research something on the medical aspect of blood loss.

:arrow: I don't like (or believe) the part about him bathing her. :? I don't think it's something the doctor would actually recommend, unless Robert was her husband, and they're not even dating. Washing would be rather unimportant if she was still unconscious-- he'd probably just recommend Robert lay her on the bed and let her come to on her own.

Really, though, they wouldn't release her unless she woke up, methinks. ^_^

:arrow: So, overall, I think this has potential. You could work on description and images-- nothing is really described, so we're left not knowing what anything looks, sounds, or feels like. This makes it hard for the reader to relate to the situation.

I did very much like the conflict of the piece-- this acquaintance having to save someone he only knows slightly, (naked, even). But a minor plot-hole; how did he get into her house/apartment? Does he have a key? Did he feel guilty using it? A lot of emotion is possible from this piece-- use the opportunities you've given yourself to really make these character easier to relate to. ^^

All in all, good job and good luck fluffing it out a bit! ;P PM me for anything.

~Evi
Last edited by Evi on Sun Sep 13, 2009 8:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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super good... i just love your story. Only thing is, i don't see much action coming from this... i'd love to see where you go with it. PM me when you put out the next one!!!! Can't wait... You could develop characters a bit more in the next one, but at this point of the story you don't need to much development... soon, tho. Also, when the doctor said that she had woken up, i was looking for that... and it wasn't there. Just a thought, tho. No worries, your story was AWESOME!!!!
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"
-mary anne radmacher




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Forever with you? I don't like the title very much; could use a little tough love. But I'm no good at titles, either.
Pretty much everything that Evi said was solid advice; use it.
I don't like the overuse of passive voice here. You should take the narrator commentary and put it into April's thoughts and emotions.
For example


burgs2009 wrote:It had been three months since her family was killed in the car crash; her mother, her father and her little brother. Her grandparents had died four years ago and she never knew her aunties, uncles or cousins. Her job was shit, she didn’t like anybody who worked there. At the age of twenty four she was alone. Except for Robert, her landlord. He was friendly enough and she got on well with him.



"Anne grimaced at her pallid reflection; rippling with the steady stream of water pounding from the tarnished, unforgiving faucet. God, how she hated this apartment; with its scuttling cockroaches, hostile air conditioning that worked when it felt like it, and carpet the color and texture of mildew... but it was free; and she hadn't been able to hold a steady job since. Since... that windy, rainy, unforgiving night when the dark road lie before them like a bear trap, shards of ice water slicing the night before them like so many needle-point teeth.

April's even features turned to the mirror, where she knew tucked safely inside the cork interior of the cabinet was taped a slick little cut out picture of her mother, father brother, smiling, happy... totally unaware of what the future had in store."

Your medical credibility is really obscure; my friend adds helpfully. I kind of get the whole "she is depressed and therefore non-responsive" thing but i doubt it would be this serious; also like Evi said there's no way the tenant would be her caretaker (not carer, by the way) even if she had no other relations; they'd probably suggest therapy for her and send her off without one.

Your story was good apart from these few corrections. I look forward to reading part two. PM me. (:
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
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