Jack-in-the-book (1)

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It smelled like fresh paint and old books, and maybe a little mold. There was a man in the back corner reading a comic book, because he thought he was too old and didn’t want people to say so, and the librarian that came in to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays thought he was terribly cute.

Welcome to the library.

“Psst, Kate!” Jaden hiss-whispered to me, tugging on my new shirt even though he knew I didn’t like it when he did. “Come look at this.” I smacked his hand away but followed the little bugger nonetheless—Mom had told me to take care of him, and since my going out on Saturday depended on this, I decided not to push it by teasing him.

We weaved through the aisles of books over to the little kid area, and when he finally stopped in the corner with the overstuffed pink elephant nearly falling off its perch, I found myself hoping he didn’t want me to get that thing down for him. I’d always been a little scared of it, with those big bulging eyes and the ridiculously short trunk. It was a pure contradiction of itself, with cat-ears and a pig’s tail, like whoever had made it hadn’t know exactly what he’d wanted it to be until he was finished, and obviously by then it was too late.

I tousled Jaden’s dirty blonde hair because I knew how it bothered him and continued to hope that that elephant didn’t expect to come down any time soon.

“Kate, stoppit! I’ll tell Mommy,” he warned, and shook a cute little finger at me in a perfect imitation of one of my threats to him. I rolled my eyes and shrugged – for all he knew someone else had tousled that silly head, right? – waiting for him to spit out the reason we’d trekked all the way over here. I swore I’d sock him if he’d brought me all this way to squeal, Just kidding! and zoom off.

“Jaden, what is it?” I snapped, flicking his ear and tapping my foot, now totally out of what small patience I’d had.

Jaden smiled his tiny, mischievous smile, and before I could say or do a thing, he grasped the long, trailing pink tail belonging to the creepy pink cat-elephant-pig thing, and swoosh! It came tumbling down onto my head, grossly bulbous butt over way-too-small ears. I crumpled to the floor, more with surprise than ‘cause it weighed a lot.

“Gotcha!” he squeaked, and as I pushed the hideous pigcaphant off me, I saw how dark it was outside on the ugly orange-brick street, and wondered a minute if we should go outside before the whole place closed down—then Jaden tackled me from behind and I forgot to remember anything.

“Jaden—get—off—me!” I shrieked, even though we were in a library and someone was bound to come along and complain about all the squealing and banging. Luckily I managed to pull him off me before the librarian heard, and by the time a plastic-looking blonde woman and her little kid came down the aisle, I’d already smacked him soundly on the head and threatened to take away every treat he could ever want ‘til the beginning of forever. He was quiet after that.

With Jaden’s help, I hoisted the ugly pink elephigat back onto the top of the bookshelf, and we were just going to the front to look over the movies before we left when I spotted one of my favorite books from when I was little.

“Oh-em-gee!” I squealed, because I loved the way it sounded, and dived towards the little yellow book sticking out of a shelf under the hideous catigant. “The Lion Who Laid an Egg! You’re gonna love this, Jaden.” Surprisingly, instead of protesting just for the sake of it as he usually did, Jaden plopped himself down next to me, rubbing his eyes so I knew it was mostly ‘cause he was tired.

But of course, this is where things go wrong.

We read the book through, from the start when the lion swallows a duck whole to the bit where he coughs it back up and it slaps him for his ‘silliness’ – okay, I really wanted to say something much worse, but Mom would’ve killed me – and then again, since little bro seemed to like it a lot.

But finally we got through it, and I stood up, pulling Jaden to his feet and handing him the book to put away. He was tired by now he didn’t even try to make me do it instead, just shoved it back into the bookcase in the wrong place and stumbled in the general direction of the front. Huh, usually he doesn’t calm down ‘til his head hits the pillow, I thought, and then figured it must be the mold working the spell on him.

Funny thing is, it wasn’t until we’d stumbled into the main aisles that I realized the lights were flickering. Was I tired too, and just hadn’t noticed it? And why did I have that funny twisty feeling in my stomach that I only got when something nasty was about to happen?

And then, with a final shhh-fizzzz, the ugly fluorescent lights switched off, and my little brother and I were stuck in the dark in a moldy library, all alone.

“Oh dammit,” I muttered, though I was strictly forbidden to say any such thing in front of Jaden. “Quick, we gotta get to the front—” Before I could complete the sentence, there came the sound of a door creaking shut on rusty hinges, then a click as it was locked by the librarian.

“Oh no!” he cried, in his baby-brother voice that reminded me I was in charge and need to think of a way to get out…and fast. “What’re we gonna do, Kit?” It was what he’d called me when he was just a tiny thing, and it made the nasty knot in my stomach worse, if that was possible.

I didn’t answer, only squeezed his hand tight and pulled us both to the heavy oak doors, rattling them desperately like it might make either me or him feel better. We pounded and shouted and kicked those horrible doors, but they didn’t budge, and though I didn’t tell Jaden, I knew that the librarian was sort of half-deaf. She could be standing just about ten feet away in the foyer and not hear us.

Jaden kept hitting the door with his little fists, and I set my forehead against the heavy wood, trying to think of a way to calm him before he went totally hysterical. Something, come on, please, just a tiny something, oh please!

“Jay,” I said at last, quietly, as a tiny something seemed to flutter into my head. Taking his hands in my own, I sat down, pulling him into my lap. I gently brushed the tears of fear from his hot, still slightly chubby face, and kissed his fingers, humming a tune I couldn’t remember the words for. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry. In a minute, Mom’ll get here, and when she finds the doors locked, she’ll just call a locksmith and we’ll be out in a second.”

He sniffled, leaning back against me like he hadn’t done since he was two or something. “Promise?” he said, and it came out in a small, wavering whisper that broke my heart and melted me into a little puddle all at once.

“Promise,” I said. I didn’t tell him that Mom had expected us to go and get ice cream down the street first, that she wouldn’t be here for at least another hour, or that since it was Saturday, the locksmith that always helped us out when Dad locked his keys in the car was closed. There weren’t any others in the town that Mom could reach without first hunting down a phone book, and even then they might be closed, too. I took a deep breath, pushing all my fear away for Jaden’s sake, and squeezed him tight to me.

“And think about it, Jay. We have this whole place to ourselves! We can run, and play, and be as loud as we want, and no one will—” And that was when I was interrupted by a sound. It was a little sound, something you might hear at a park, sitting at home, or in the car on a long trip to somewhere you wish you didn’t have to go. You might hear it on a plane, or in a train, and maybe, just maybe, while you were climbing a tree. But most importantly, it was a sound you heard always, always at the library.

From deep, deep in the darkest reaches of the moldy library, there came the sound of a page turning.

***

Don't need nitpicks, thanks. Any and all opinions and criticism on the actual piece are appreciated--and if you can, tell me: Do you like it like this, or do you want the story to continue? =D
Last edited by Sela Locke on Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:12 am, edited 3 times in total.
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

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Ooh, creepy ending! I really, really liked this whole piece, especially the beginning paragraph and the last sentence.

The only thing that I didn't like was that most of the time it didn't seem like they were actually in a library. You didn't really describe the setting all that well, and... I don't know. You didn't really say anything about anyone else browsing the shelves, or annoying little kids running up and down the aisle, or some old due coughing... You just didn't make it feel like they were in a library most of the time.

That probably doesn't make any sense at all, but whatever. I really enjoyed this, and I'd love to read some more if you continue it! :)


~ Maggie
“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Anton Chekhov




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Hey, Sela!

Welcome to the library.

I like this. It sort of reminds me of the song Welcome to the Jungle.

Now I wish I hadn’t been so critical – I’d find out later he made a great shield when someone’s trying to skewer you with a vaguely sharp knife.

This would be a good detail to save for later--it ruins the effect of a surprise when you tell your reader that it's gonna happen.

Other than those two things, I really liked this. The description about how the librarian thought the comic-book-reading guy was cute added realism to the piece, which is always something I enjoy. :) Your descriptions are great! Let me know when you post something else!
-JK

And if Magnus happens to be re-reading the comments here...Maggie? Seriously?
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Well, well, well, it's the -- darnit, Robin Hood isn't in my head the way it used to be. James. Come back to me.

Anyway, BABE, this was great. You really did a good job on just about everything. Ordinary main characters are difficult to do without making them bland, and even though it was clear that the main character was you, it doesn't matter because Kate still had the right amount of personality to make it all COOL.

The only thing that surprises me is that JADEN is there. I have a bad habit of never putting little kids into scary stories because then I get scared and I can't write any more for their sake. But I'm sure that library guy with the comic book isn't bad, I bet he's like the astronaut and maybe they'll make some dagwood sandwiches and light some couches on fire. Or, more likely, not.

So, yes. You did a good job on the little brother/big sister relationship (SURPRISE), and you set it up well, and you drew it out long enough, and the only thing I might want is just one little description of the library. One of those "and the world bowed beneath the weight of these deep, meaningful words that swept across time in unending parallel Universe where Douglas Adams joins Elvis Presley in the sky with Tom and Maggie, and maybe even Zace Efron --" Or whatever.

So, happy Christmas and all that, and LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU POST THE NEXT chapter. Trailed off a little there. I wonder if that message really got sent. I feel rejected. Not really but a little. I put on a weird, cool, good sort of deal, even though no people tonight probably.

But I'll call you when I get back. DRIVING.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




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Hello! I'm going Seal hunting.


I nitpick out of love.

And you're going to like it!

*

I’d find out later he made a great shield when someone’s trying to skewer you with a vaguely sharp knife.


Explain to me how a knife can be "vaguely" sharp. Sharp is not vague.

*

But we’ll talk about that later.


I don't like this transition. You've already indicated that the event came later, so this sentence seems superfluous. I think I would cut it out and add "but" to the beginning of this sentence:

For now, I tousled Jaden’s dirty blonde hair...


*

grossly bulbous butt


I love this.

*

“Gotcha!” he squeaked, and as I pushed the hideous pigcaphant off me, I saw how dark it was outside on the ugly orange-brick street, and wondered a minute if we should go outside before the whole place closed down—then Jaden tackled me from behind and I forgot to remember anything.


Take a breath! You're allowed short sentences every once in a while. Lay off the ands a bit, ay?

*

From deep, deep in the darkest reaches of the moldy library, there came the sound of a page turning.


I'd cut out one of those deeps. You already use repetition in the sentence before. Don't wear the device out.

*

Yes, a story about kids locked in a library! This has much potential, so do it right. I hope Jaden dies. Maybe Kate has to eat him to survive. =)

But this is going to continue, yesss? You're not going to drop it? It's so irritating when people seek others' approval to continue their own story. I'll keep reading it if you keep writing it. But don't leave me hanging.

And you have left me hanging. Good chapter break. I'm guessing the comic book dude is still in there?


That's all I have to say. *spins like a top*

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Wow. Near perfect grammar, no infordumps, not too fast, not boring, simply amazing. I LOVE IT!



It smelled like fresh paint and old books, and maybe a little mold. There was a man in the back corner reading a comic book, because he thought he was too old and didn’t want people to say so, and the librarian that came in to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays thought he was terribly cute.

Great description! I guessed it was a library even before I read librarian, and that's a good thing!

We weaved through the aisles of books over to the little kid area, and when he finally stopped in the corner with the overstuffed pink elephant nearly falling off its perch, I found myself hoping he didn’t want me to get that thing down for him. I’d always been a little scared of it, with those big bulging eyes and the ridiculously short trunk. It was a pure contradiction of itself, with cat-ears and a pig’s tail, like whoever had made it hadn’t know exactly what he’d wanted it to be until he was finished, and obviously by then it was too late.

They have things like those at my library, too. I hate 'em.

Now I wish I hadn’t been so critical – I’d find out later he made a great shield when someone’s trying to skewer you with a vaguely sharp knife.

Now that's an attention grabber. Good job! Except nothing can be vaguely sharp.

But we’ll talk about that later.

This was unescessary.

For now, I tousled Jaden’s dirty blonde hair because I knew how it bothered him and continued to hope that that elephant didn’t expect to come down any time soon.

Good way to incorporate your character's description and character without dumping it on the readers.

pigcaphant

lol (sorry)


From deep, deep in the darkest reaches of the moldy library, there came the sound of a page turning.

Very nice ending I love it.

PM me next chapter please! Did you get ideas from Inkheart, by the way?
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Very interesting, I def wanna read more! It's some what a bit rushed at the beginning, but it ends very well. Are you gonna continue it? I hope so, cos I'd read more if you do. Best of luck!
Most people see what is and never what can be. - Albert Einstein




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pigcaphant, hahaha funniest word. I liked it! :elephant: My awesome elephant is loving it to that is why he is dancing!!

GOOD JOB
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“The Lion Who Laid an Egg! You’re gonna love this, Jaden.”


Is that a real book? If it is do tell me. :P

And about the story itself. I like it, who hasn't wanted to be locked in a library? By the way it kind of reminds me of an Arthur book, by Marc (or is it Mark?) Brown where Arthur is looked in a library with Francine. It also brings back memories of the TV show. That was like my favorite show as a kid. And I still watched it sometime sin the past few months. But now I don't watch TV, at all.

Anyway back on topic. If you continue it can I take a guess on what will happen? Will the stories contained within the pages of the books come to life? Will our protagonist and little brother have to survive through fantasy books and Steven King horror novels? This is a fantasy story right? Not even the sky is the limit for the content of a fantasy story. Keep that in mind. :D
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