Just this guy..

I'm putting on one of my shorter lyrics before I jump into the deep end with my long pieces.. please help me edit it!

This was partly based on a guy I used to know, so might not make sense to some people, but in my head it works (:

Also it sounds a lot better with the music as it flows better, so keep that in mind!



A boy that knew, all my fears
A boy that could, have me in tears

How he really knew that much?
But god he had that magic touch

Wrapped around his little finger
Just one touch could pull the trigger

The silver gun that was loaded fully
Always ahead, pointed straight at me

And I know he never loved me
And I knew he was bad for me

But I found it so hard to resist
If only he kept that one promise

He said he loves me and pulled me in tight
Kept me safe in the dead of night

But at the touch of a trigger that loving parts gone
And that loving part, is never round long.

It does make sense. It would be a good song with music. Your rhyming is good but there's a few parts that need something I'm not sure what, but let's see what I can do. . .

The silver gun that was loaded fully
Always ahead, pointed straight at me

This is good. But it isn't as closely rhyming as the other parts. Like "me" is quite a bit shorter than "fully" so it's kind of a drop. Know what I'm saying?
It kind of depends on the way you sing it. I don't know the tune so it might work the way you have it.

But at the touch of a trigger that loving parts gone
And that loving part, is never round long.

Love the ending, very nice.
Sorry if I wasn't much help.
Your really good with lyrics, let me know when you post more!

Yay someone replied! I love it when that happens

Thanks for the suggestions, I promise I will try! I just hate editing lyrics after the initial draft, because I always write from inspiration I get, which vanishes pretty quick :L
Actually I just posted some more about five minutes ago! can't remember what I called them though so have a look on my profile x

I can't work out how to move into into the poetry section...

Alex or Luke?

Alex im guessing.

These are pretty sad, in a good way, you know, upsetting not pathetic...etc ill stop rambling now

BTW i AM writing your story now but its a combo of you and emma and beth walls all rolled up into one person.

I like these, as much as the others and also if you want to redraft i suggest finding a song with a similar theme and working off that.

Ella
Xx

It was Luke actually. next one is alex's.

x