Playing Clichés

* something I'd probably want to hear from a man

Playing Cliches

I won’t promise you the moon,
it’s not for me to give.
Instead I’ll listen to your babbles,
as long as we would live.

Don’t expect me to cross the ocean,
I don’t think any man can.
I’ll help with all the kids you want,
as long as they’re less than ten.

I won’t climb the highest mountain,
I doubt I’d survive at all.
But if I do, I would with you,
At least I could gladly fall.

I can’t carry you in my arms forever,
My arms won’t stand the weight,
I know I attract the prettiest girls,
but it’s you I’d rather date.

I don’t see you everywhere,
I’m not a deluded freak.
But while away I miss you dear,
your absence, to me is bleak.

I may not say I love you,
what are these words worth?
They’re merely routine expression,
and there’s much more you deserve.

very simple and almost comical. i believe that was your purpose. ultimately a 'cute' poem. not too much i can say against it. good one!

Hey Baile ^^ Shina here to do a review for you I'll admit, it was the title that got my attention xD

I. Nitpicks

Instead I’ll listen to your babbles,
as long as we would live.

Would should be "will" since you used "won't" earlier in the poem. Also, "would" is hypothetical, yes?

At first, I thought the word "babbles" was "babies." Babbles doesn't seem like the right word choice here.

The first line in this stanza I like, but after that I notice you're following a rhyme scheme and I'm getting a bit worried on how you'll execute it. Let's see how it goes

Don’t expect me to cross the ocean,
I don’t think any man can.
I’ll help with all the kids you want,
as long as they’re less than ten.

-.-" This was what I meant. The rhyme scheme is eating up the poem, and "can" and "ten" don't even rhyme. Choose meaning over rhyme, Baile There's nothing wrong with free form! If you want to keep this rhyme scheme going, then you need to rewrite this stanza because for one, it doesn't flow, and second, the syllables, the beats are off. The second line needs another syllable.

I won’t climb the highest mountain,
I doubt I’d survive at all.

"At all" is something you need to snip off because you can't survive "a little bit", can you? It's either you're alive, or you're not. Don't think I didn't catch the fact that your rhyme scheme ate up this stanza, also. You chose "all" to rhyme with "fall", or something like that.

But if I do, I would with you,
At least I could gladly fall.

What does this even mean? The only relation it has to the past two lines is the fact that it deals with a mountain. Why would the narrator gladly fall while they're with the person they love? Wouldn't that person die, also? It's a pretty high climb, and if narrator can't make it, then their love won't make it, either.

I can’t carry you in my arms forever,
My arms won’t stand the weight,
I know I attract the prettiest girls,
but it’s you I’d rather date.

Semicolon after "weight" or a period. Rhyming is okay here.

I don’t see you everywhere,
I’m not a deluded freak.
But while away I miss your dear,
your absence, to me is bleak.

More punctuation issues, Baile. Semicolon after "freak", the first your should be you, and you need another semicolon after dear.

I may not say I love you,
what are these words worth?
They’re merely routine expression,
and there’s much more you deserve.

I like this ending stanza, but the second line needs another syllable.

II.Overall
I like the idea of this poem and it definitely has potential. I think a few of the stanzas are uneccessary since you're just listing cliches and why you wouldn't say these cliches. You don't want to roll that one for too long. The rhyme scheme is sketchy, and you need to find a way to work it in there without letting it eat your poem. Remember that it's all about word choice and what best serves the poem

Good luck!

-Shina

I was going to give you some nitpicks, but Shina's said what I wanted to say there! If you just change the rhyming and syllables a little bit, this could be a very cute poem. It's funny, sweet and truthful. Exactly what you'd like to hear from a man! Well done!
Aqua X

I loved it. I loved the title, I loved the overall themes of it, I just loved the whole honesty of it all. Great job. It's different and not one of those cliche love poems. It was interestingly honest.

BF!!!:) haha. I have to see you tomorrow.

Ok. Review. I shall try. haha. But I love this. Cheers to levelheaded lovers.XD

I can’t carry you in my arms forever
My arms won’t stand the weight,
I know I attract the prettiest girls,
but it’s you I’d rather date.

hmm... Vain man.XD This is about a guy who pledges love with his feet on the ground but the very last line feels too bland. I dunno. Among all the lines, this one probably won't make me swoon. haha. But all the others will. I love it.

Dude, you remind me of Austen in poetry form. Wit and love together.

~Nixieeee

This.
Is so.
Adorable.

I just had to say that. Now for real commentary:

I won’t promise you the moon,
it’s not for me to give.
very cute, and creative
Instead I’ll listen to your babbles,
as long as we would live.
Strong verse, but I would find another word for "babbles". "Ramblings," maybe?

Don’t expect me to cross the ocean,
I don’t think any man can.
I’ll help with all the kids you want,
as long as they’re less than ten.
Hm... "can" and "ten" don't ring with me, but I dunno what you would put in their place. Otherwise, a strong verse. You're great with line symmetry!

I won’t climb the highest mountain,
I doubt I’d survive at all.
But if I do, I would with you,
SUCH a cute line
At least I could gladly fall.
Great play on words. Love it.

I can’t carry you in my arms forever,
My arms won’t stand the weight,
I would include something about letting her stand on her own, but it's not my poem, just an idea for you to think about.
I know I attract the prettiest girls,
but it’s you I’d rather date.
She's not pretty?

I don’t see you everywhere,
I’m not a deluded freak.
hehe nice
But while away I miss your dear,
I think you mean "you" instead of "your" there
your absence, to me is bleak.

I may not say I love you,
what are these words worth?
They’re merely routine expression,
and there’s much more you deserve.
Fantastic ending, it's a great rounded-off point for a stop.


Overall, great poem. Except for the tiny details that I pointed out, you really have a strong voice, great ideas, and a great technical eye for your poems. Very creative!!

Great work, keep writing!!
-KK

Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.

This was a really cute and sweet poem. I liked how you twisted around all the love cliched, yet still produced a love poem. It had a touch of bitterness to it, but the rhyme and use of cliches made up for it. I also liked how it was more from a guy's perspective, since romantic poetry is often from a girl's.

This is a really cute example of what you can do when, instead of avoiding cliches, you embrace them and turn them around into something more. Nice work!

PM me with questions.

~Rosey

NICE! If you had written this to me, I would jump on you in a heartbeat, showing you gratitude. It's very clear and straightforward, but it's not pushy and insulting like some can be. It actually makes me laugh at some points! And as far as rhyming, I'm going to respond to KookieKatie's post.

Kookie, there is more than one type of rhyme. You have consonance, where the first consonant sounds in the words rhyme; there's also asonance, where the first vowel sounds rhyme; then there's another form, I can't remember the word for it at the moment, where the last consonant sounds rhyme. Then you have slant rhyme; slant rhyme is where two words are spelled or sound similar, even though they aren't, but it fits in the poem anyway. "Can"/"ten" is a slant rhyme.

So, there you go! Adios! Keep writing.