Wrath of a Grecian Moon (2)

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This is the second chapter to...the first chapter...haha. I would appreciate any and all reviews, so I know if I should keep this going or not.

~*~
“Has she given you much trouble?” Apollo asked, his golden eyes simmering in the sun. I laughed, and marveled at its clarity.

“No, your sister has only trapped me in a wolf’s body for eternity,” I replied sarcastically. He grinned, flashing his perfect teeth. He was beautiful, no, he was beyond beautiful.

Apollo stood six feet three inches tall. Although he had broader shoulders, he had a very trim, muscular waist. He wore a traditional toga that showed his rippling, tan arm muscles. He had shorter, almost military like blonde hair and wide, childlike golden eyes. His other features were finely carved, for he was truly a god, and his nobility was blatantly obvious.

“Arian,” he whispered, “I will find a way to free you from this.” He took my hand, and the warmth from his godly being eased whatever tension about thinking of Artemis I had.

We sat on a cliff above the lake. Our legs dangled down, feet bare, and for a few moments we were totally carefree. We looked like a normal couple with our bright eyes, wide smiles, and careless jokes. The sun was above our heads before Apollo sighed wearily.

“If I do not go visit the horses soon they will get anxious,” he said, sighing sadly. I nodded, I knew that I always needed to cherish the time I had with him. Suddenly, as soon as we both had stood up from our perch, a silver flash appeared, turning my eyelids red. I felt Apollo tense and position himself slightly in front of me.

“Shouldn’t you be working Apollo?” The unnervingly clear voice rang over the lake. I felt a shiver creep along my entire body. That voice had put me in the body of a wolf. That small, childlike voice with a strange infinite depth to it, belonged to Artemis.

She came up to more than a couple inches less than Apollo’s shoulders, yet as she stood facing us, there was something just as commanding about her. Slanted silver eyes that seemed to glow stood piercing my face. Her smile was wicked, yet beautifully haunting, with pointed teeth and an unnatural whiteness. Her face was very royal looking, yet had an animalistic side to it. Her appearance of a small child was completed by long glistening black curls that were pulled back in a flowing ponytail that had strand of silver woven throughout. She wore a short, glistening grey tunic with a silver long bow and arrows strapped to her back. Although she looked menacing to me now, when I had been a Huntress I had only saw kindness and grace in her now dark glare.

“The horses know the way. It’s not like I haven’t been flying the same track for millions of years,” Apollo retorted, his golden eyes blazing.

“It was merely a question, dear brother,” Artemis spat the words out. I had caused a rift between them; a rift that I worried would not be repaired. That would be disastrous if they could not mend it. The Moon and Sun could not war against each other, and if they did, I would be the center of it.

“Shouldn’t you be with your Huntresses?” Apollo asked smoothly, glaring at her from beneath his brow.

“You’ve left me a Commander in Chief short. They’re currently all on missions trying to prove who deserves to get the position. It’s almost annoying,” she said with a sad look on her face that gave me a glimpse past her stony charade. I immediately knew what she spoke of. I had been the Commander in Chief, not only that, but I had been her best friend.

Love, my love her brother Apollo, had messed all of that up. Huntresses were not supposed to fall in love. Ever. I had broken that one, sacred rule. Now, I imagined all of the girls trying to take my place. Oh, the position I had once held was coveted, and I could just imagine the flurry that was going on at the camp to see who would succeed me.

For a moment, my heart longed to be back there, underneath the great Sequoias and Redwoods. Where silvery tents glistened beneath the trees branches and the sounds of bows twanging and girls singing loomed in every leaf.

“I’m sorry about that, but that does not explain your presence,” Apollo replied, his words short, yet more polite this time.

“Something is stirring, my dear brother, something that I fear may have been caused by her. I fear that what I have done to her has awoken something new. The Law of Balance must be complete,” Artemis’s words stung heavily in my heart. Since I was once her right hand woman, I knew what she spoke of.

The Law of Balance was if one creature or human was made immortal on the ‘good’ side of the spectrum, a creature of equal power was given to the other ‘bad’ and vice versa. This way, massive wars would not being going on. Instead either good or bad deeds, or the killing of immortals, must be done to tip the scale to one side. Currently, the scale was tipped towards the good side, due to the Huntresses decimating ‘bad’ creatures.

“Wouldn’t it be a good creature that has been created because of my immortality?” I asked. Artemis looked surprised to hear my voice, but she shook her lovely head and stared towards the sky.

“I thought it would be too, Arian. I thought you were the evil, but I fear I have been gravely mistaken. By making you immortal, the side of darkness had gained a creature whose powers are a thousand fold of what I thought they would be, and do you know what that means?” Artemis asked, her piercing eyes suddenly staring into mine. I felt so bare, as if she could read every part of me, but I knew what she mean, although I did not understand it. I nodded.

“Your powers are greater than any of us could’ve ever imagined,” Artemis replied with a grim look dominating her childlike features
Have you ever smelled sunshine? Have you tasted the color orange? I know how you can... post880303.html#p880303

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Hiya! I just reviewed the first part and so I am here, as promised, to help you with the second. Absolutely you should continue with this!! It has the makings of something wonderful, and you definitely have the skill to take it there. I love your style, so from now on I'm only going to point out things that are grammatical mistakes etc, because I don't want to force my style on you!

So, the little things that I can point out to you (I always make mistakes as well, no matter how well I proof-read!)


“Has she given you much trouble?” Apollo asked, his golden eyes simmering in the sun. I laughed, and marveled at its clarity.

Do you mean "shimmering" not "simmering"? And is she marvelling at the clarity of her laughter? If so, maybe make this clearer: "I laughed, and marveled at the clarity of the sound." for example.


Although he had broader shoulders, he had a very trim, muscular waist. He wore a traditional toga that showed his rippling, tan arm muscles. He had shorter, almost military like blonde hair and wide, childlike golden eyes.

Before I did my poetry essay, I would have passed by this and mentioned nothing. However, when it came back with my teacher's comments all over it, I learned that I cannot put "greater" or "smaller" without saying what the thing is greater or smaller than. Therefore you don't need the "er" on the two words: "Although he had broad shoulders, he had a very trim, muscular waist. He wore a traditional toga that showed his rippling, tan arm muscles. He had short, almost military-like blond hair and wide, childlike golden eyes." Otherwise, this section is wonderful, with great description.


He took my hand, and the warmth from his godly being eased whatever tension about thinking of Artemis I had.

I know I said I wouldn't, but this seemed a little out of key with the rest of your piece so I'm going to suggest "He took my hand, and the warmth from his godly being eased whatever tension I had from thinking about/of Artemis."


“It was merely a question, dear brother,” Artemis spat the words out.

I think a full-stop is better here, rather than a comma: ""...dear brother." Artemis spat the words out." Or, keep the comma and have "spat Artemis." afterwards instead.


I had caused a rift between them; a rift that I worried would not be repaired.

I don't think you need a semi-colon - a good old comma will do very nicely here!


I had been the Commander in Chief, not only that, but I had been her best friend.

I think maybe a semi-colon or a dash instead of the comma after "Chief". And you don't need the but - I think it works fine without it.

That's all I have to say! Again, this was fantastic and please please write more! Do keep it up! I love it!
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Hi,
This is great! I really think you should continue on this story.

I nodded, I knew that I always needed to cherish the time I had with him.


I would suggest changing 'I knew' to 'knowing'. Otherwise the 'I' sounds repetitive. I know it's a small and not too important word and how would someone even notice if such a small and unimportant word was repeated? But even small, unimportant words can sound repetitive.

Slanted silver eyes that seemed to glow stood piercing my face.


First of all, eyes don't stand. Second of all, it doesn't work as well if you put 'piercing my face.' I would change it to something like 'The piercing gaze of her glowing silver eyes seemed to stare right through me.' You can change it to suit your style.

That would be disastrous if they could not mend it.


This sentence sounds wrong with that beginning. It seems like it should start with 'It'. But then again, it may sound repetitive.

Love, my love her brother Apollo,


I think you meant 'my love for her brother'

The Law of Balance was if one creature or human was made immortal on the ‘good’ side of the spectrum, a creature of equal power was given to the other ‘bad’ and vice versa. This way, massive wars would not being going on. Instead either good or bad deeds, or the killing of immortals, must be done to tip the scale to one side.


This part is confusing. You should try to make it clear what you're trying to say.

but I knew what she mean,


'what she meant'

“Your powers are greater than any of us could’ve ever imagined,” Artemis replied with a grim look dominating her childlike features


This isn't the greatest way to end a chapter. It kind of sounds like you just stop in the middle of something. If you're trying to make a cliff hanger I would change it to, 'A serious look came over Artemis's face dominating her child-like features, "Your powers are greater than any of us could've ever imagined."

Overall it was really good. It runs along smoothly and the characters are pretty well done. It still needs a little more descriptiong, though.

Keep writing! Feel free to PM me with questions or comments.

~Tayla


I think you meant 'my love for her brother...'
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Hey. What little there was to critique has been critiqued already. I just have to say that YES you should continue this. You give a crystal clear view of the beginning of the plot.

I've read both parts and it seems to pull you deeper the more you read rather than sticking fish hooks in like many other stories. Personally i like this approach, but others may not. Your decision.

i will be keeping an eye out for more as i am now thoroughly intrigued.
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Hi, Silversun, here's the follow-up review you requested. ^^

Apollo asked, his golden eyes simmering in the sun.


This is a very odd image; I think of "simmer" as a verb having to do with anger (or cooking), when I think you really mean something like sparkling or twinkling. Or possibly glimmering.

I laughed, and marveled at its clarity.


I get that the "its" is meant to go with the "laugh", and this technically isn't gramatically incorrect, but it's still a bit confusing and awkwardly worded. That "its" needs to go; if you don't want to repeat "laugh" then say "sound" or something of the like.

He grinned, flashing his perfect teeth. He was beautiful, no, he was beyond beautiful.


These sentences are making alarm bells ring in my head. I'm starting to get glimmers of "Edward Cullen" syndrome here--the narrator going on and on about how beautiful her boyfriend is. The last sentence is particularly cringe-worthy. Please remove it.

Although he had broader shoulders, he had a very trim, muscular waist. He wore a traditional toga that showed his rippling, tan arm muscles.


The repetition of "muscular/muscles" ruins the flow of the sentences. Worse, my alarm bells are ringing worse than ever--and I'm feeling the urge to roll my eyes. Yes, I know that he's a god and he's supposed to be very beautiful, but the description is coming across as much too perfect. I don't know about you, but I find flaws here and there as endearing as perfection on someone who I'm physically attracted to (then again, my tendecies run towards middle-aged British men, so what do I know...)

Also, I'm getting a little nervous becuse so far it seems like all Arian likes about Apollo are his physical aspects. There's nothing wrong with having a beautiful lover, but all the same, make sure there's more to their attraction beyond the physical.

His other features were finely carved, for he was truly a god, and his nobility was blatantly obvious.


"For he was truly a god" part is fine, because he is a god, but the "nobility" part...not so much. First of all, what is nobility? For me it brings up thoughts of landowning peers, which I don't think you were intending. It's such a vague, abstract concept with so many meanings, that there's really no way for anyone to physically display it. The kind of "nobility" that you're describing exists more in words and deeds than in appearance, so I'm troubled as how he can exude nobility from his appearance alone.

A tiny aside on the hair--granted, I am not as well versed in mythology as I should be, but I always thought Apollo had long-ish curly hair? Then again, I might not be right, and it's perfectly fine if you're going your own direction in depicting him (I notice you're giving him a bit of a martial edge, which is quite cool). After all, the myths themselves almost never agree.

and the warmth from his godly being eased whatever tension about thinking of Artemis I had.


Too long and wordy a sentence. Think of rephrasing it as "all my tension from thinking of Artemis". You'll be surprised how a simple rephrase like that will make your prose much more concise and clear.

We sat on a cliff above the lake. Our legs dangled down, feet bare, and for a few moments we were totally carefree. We looked like a normal couple with our bright eyes, wide smiles, and careless jokes. The sun was above our heads before Apollo sighed wearily.


While this is a cute image and it certainly does, much to my relief, move away from the "Do I dazzle you?" Twilighty path which I briefly feared you'd started moving down, I'd like to see a bit more of it. Don't write the whole exchange, since it'd be tedious, but at least show us the beginning of their cheerful chit-chat and exchanging of jokes, before transitioning. It's important that we see exactly how Arian and Apollo's relationship is like--so that we can believe it. Believe them as people, and as a couple. Not just a pretty girl and a handsome boy in lurrrve.

a silver flash appeared, turning my eyelids red.


? I don't quite get how this image would work. How would a silver flash turn anyone's eyelids red?

I felt a shiver creep along my entire body.


Nothing major, but again, if you can get rid of the "I felts", all the better.

She came up to more than a couple inches less than Apollo’s shoulders, yet as she stood facing us, there was something just as commanding about her.


Some more awkward phrasing in here. I won't rephrase it for you, since I believe that if you read it aloud you'll be able to find the trouble spots aloud. Already, just looking at it, I'm sure you can see some examples of vague, rambling language: "came up to", "more than a couple", "there was something just as" (the "just as" is particularly bothersome because you've given nothing to compare her to).

Slanted silver eyes that seemed to glow stood piercing my face.


"Pierced". "Stood piercing" isn't even correct usage, and I can't see how eyes can pierce in the first place.

Her face was very royal looking,


I've got the same problems with this as I do with your earlier statement about Apollo looking "noble". It's best not to get abstract when describing a person, because everyone has their own picture of vague, abstract qualities like "noble" and "royal". One person may picture a strong Queen Elizabeth in her throne, another will see fat, weak-willed Louis XVI. If it can't be defined concretely, then don't use it for physical description.

Although she looked menacing to me now, when I had been a Huntress I had only saw kindness and grace in her now dark glare.


Nice contrast between her past situation and her current one. I find contrast one of the most effective ways of depicting characterization, especially for a character like Arian who's had two distinct stages in her life.

Huntresses were not supposed to fall in love. Ever. I had broken that one, sacred rule.


Now, I like the reference to Artemis's (almost typed "Diana", WTF...) rule of chastity, though the roundabout way it's presented has gotten me scratching my head a bit. I guess it's because I'm used to myths being very bloody, violent, and sordid affairs, while you seem to be going for a "cleaner" approach in this story. I'm not sure if I like that or not, but it's just my personal taste speaking, not me as an objective reviewer.

Oh, the position I had once held was coveted


I'm not liking this "Oh"; it makes the prose seem too informal. Even in first person, you still want an element of formality or else the prose becomes insultingly casual.

For a moment, my heart longed to be back there, underneath the great Sequoias and Redwoods. Where silvery tents glistened beneath the trees branches and the sounds of bows twanging and girls singing loomed in every leaf.


"Loomed" is a bit of a weird verb; I can't imagining singing "looming" and I don't even see how singing can come out of leaves.

However, otherwise, this is a very beautiful image and in a subtle way speaks of how much Arian misses her old life. I'm really starting to admire her: she really knows what she gave up to be with the one she loves. She knows there's consequences (which is wonderful in face of the whole "I'll give up my whole life for you Edwaaaard~!" attitude), and while she's accepted them, that doesn't stop them from hurting her. They hurt her, but don't stop her from following her heart anyway. I love that in a character.

The Law of Balance was if one creature or human was made immortal on the ‘good’ side of the spectrum, a creature of equal power was given to the other ‘bad’ and vice versa.


"Good"? "Bad"? *twitch* I like the idea of balance, because I've this secret fondness for duologies, but the division of two sides into "good" and "bad" is overly childish and simplistic. Not to mention, I'm unsure how well this will mesh with Greek mythology because from my reading, it doesnt' seem that the Greeks were overly concerned with duality. At least come up with other names for the sides (names pulled from mythology, if possible), and make it so neither is inherently good or bad, just different.

Currently, the scale was tipped towards the good side, due to the Huntresses decimating ‘bad’ creatures.


Then, by the idea of the Balance, should this not be viewed as a negative development? Arian's tone seems too blase, even approving.

“Your powers are greater than any of us could’ve ever imagined,” Artemis replied with a grim look dominating her childlike features


I agree with the previous reviewer who said that this ending is too abrupt.

Overall thoughts:

Overall, I've got mixed feelings on this piece. I do like the greater characterization on Arian--to be honest, I was a bit wary about her character in the first part because she seemed tilting towards Mary Sue and I couldn't connect well with her. Here, her character is much more apparent and she's displaying hints of fortitude that aren't overplayed, but serve to make her more admirable. I really do respect her now, and now I'm rooting for everything to work out for her in the end. Be sure to keep doing what you're doing here--making her characterization subtle. It worked for me precisely because I didn't feel like I was getting pounded into the head of how brave a character she was.

I did have some initial reservations about Arian's relationship, and those haven't entirely dissipated: the description of Apollo near the beginning, in particular, was near-nauseating. I'm glad to see that their relationship is not just a physical one based on superficial appearances, but they actually are the kind of couple that can sit together and relax and goof off (though I'd like more expansion on their interactions). All the same, the early part was so off-putting that I almost stopped reading at that point. Granted, you do have to keep your audience in mind, and I'm sure such a treatment would fly wonderfully with the female YA audience you're aiming at, not jaded old me, but like I always say, don't just think of writing a good story for your genre. Writing a good story. Start with toning down the description of Apollo.

The other thing that gave me pause is the whole "good/bad" balance thing. Balance is a nice idea, a bit overdone but you can put your unique spin on it. The black-and-white good vs. evil...not so much, especially since you seem to most emphatically tilting toward the side of "good". It's just such a basic and elementary conflict. Although I understand you're taking your own direction with the Greek myths and that's fine, I'm pretty sure a stronger mythological element wouldn't hurt your story. As far as I know, the Greeks didn't really have an idea of duality (that seems more like Daoism to me, the whole Yin and Yang deal), but were very interested in order. You could incorporate something like that. Just steer clear of the "good" and "bad" labels and try for a level of moral ambiguity. Generally, shades of gray are more interesting to read than black and white.

Your prose is by and large solid and sometimes quite poetic (I especially loved the description of the camp), and somehow I sense it's more subtle in this chapter than it was in the first. There are a few awkward phrasings and unnecessary words, which I think you'll catch if you read the story out loud. Some verbs are misused, or used in odd situations (such as "loomed").

Overall, I have to say that I'm not as fond of this second chapter as I was the first, but I'm still interested enough to read on. Keep working, and PM me if you have any questions. Or if you want to yell at me for being harsh, I don't mind.
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“Arian,” he whispered, “I will find a way to free you from this.” He took my hand, and the warmth from his godly being eased whatever tension about thinking of Artemis I had.

This was quite confusing to me. It seemed you were trying to make things more complicated than they had to be. I think that 'He took my hand with his unearthly warmth, and the tension subsided' would fit better.

His other features were finely carved, for he was truly a god, and his nobility was blatantly obvious.

I don't like the word nobility. You have described him as such a beautiful creature, and then I get pulled away from the story by 'nobility'. To me, nobility is something humans behold. A knight, a king, a queen... whatever it is, I don't think it fits in with the god you are trying to portray.

Other than those two, I cannot say much except for I love this and I really can't wait to read more :)




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First off. I thoroughly enjoyed this and the first part.

I agree with the post above on the nobility thing.
And i particularly agree with Bickazor on...pretty much all of it.
What i see as your diamond stud in the story so far is your subtlety of characterisation.
What i see as your main issue (although i read a ridiculous amount of these kinds of novels so this may be slanted toward a minority group) is the black and white, good and evil set up. You have your own spin on the mythology which i like but the good and evil seems so plain.



As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
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