Unreciprocated

If the chainsaw in my head cut through the night
Could you sleep through it?
Or would you wake discontented?

If I showed you my truth,
Could you accept it?
You may not like what you see.

If I sailed to your holy shores,
Would I find my missing soul?
Or more of the sorrow that seems to haunt me?

If I opened my heart,
Would I find you inside?
Or only a note that reads "I'm sorry"?

Heh... Your name, avatar, and opening line made me set my mood for a horror-type poem. Anyways... I didn't really like it, but I didn't not like it. It didn't evoke anything from me, but I don't think it really was meant to. So... I don't know... Not much to comment on.

Re. Unreciprocated.


For: Halloween



You need to be careful with rhetoric: there is a time and a place for 'you', but it is not everywhere. This poem, by directing itself towards me, trapped me into a line of interpretation that is the only line, something no poet nor poem wishes to do. Instead, for this poem, by actually describing the person you're addressing, you would increase the number of ways for interpretation, not force me into the poem and, ultimately, have pity on you. It's a cheap trick that's OTT.



Best,

Brad

Incandescence doesn't like any poem that has the word "you." It doesn't bother me. I kinda like the alternating stanzas. I am not sure if it is deliberate or not. The first stanza has an image, a metaphor for the revelation of the feelings for this person. The second does away with metaphor and simply delas with revealing hte truth. The third uses image of "holy shores." The fourth simply talks about opening the heart. It like odd stanzas are very visual, metaphorical. Even ones more to the point. Maybe its all that crack I've been smoking. I don't know. I really like the simplicity of the 2nd and 4th stanzas. They seem very honest. Not sure about chainsaws in a love poem, but whatever.

Maybe I need to work on my metaphors. The chainsaw in my head is a reference to my snoring. I snore loudly. I noticed you changed your... uh... picture thingy. I like the new look.

I, too, found the chainsaw confusing. I liked the last two stanzas so much, I can't tell you which is my favorite... Lovely.

One grammatical note: You seem to add extra question marks where commas should be. You are separating combined thoughts and creating fragments as it is:

For example,

"Could you sleep through it?
Or would you wake discontented? "

should be

Could you sleep through it,
Or would you wake discontented?

Same rules as in "either/or" sentences apply.

(I didn't notice till my third time through, though, so your strengths covered this up. )