To Love Or Not To

well, alright. i guess i was in one of those moods. seriously, guys, this isn't normally what i write but i keep writing when i'm in one of these moods and i post it up here, so i probably seem like i'm all about romance and stuff like that...but i'm not, i promise k, so, here it is, enjoy! if you don't like it, well, i don't blame you because, like i said...i was just in a weird mood

One: Jamie
“I need to start over, Denny. No romantic love, no friends. Nothing. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just—I need this. I need this clean slate, this fresh piece of paper the way you sometimes need to drive. Okay?” I paused and waited, gauging his reaction. I needed Denny to be cool about this, because, in the event I wanted him back—strictly as a friend—in the future, I needed this to go over smoothly. So I stared into his cool, but heartwarming blue eyes, and his past-the-ears but above-the-shoulders length dark, easy-to-tuck-behind-ear hair. It was messy, but not in a bad, sticky-upy kind of way. More in an…I don’t know, cute but clean way. And that was just about him, my boyfriend—or, pretty soon, my ex-boyfriend. Who was all these different amazing people wrapped into one. Like, for example, my Innocent Denny. Or, my Musical Denny. My Cute Denny. My Extraordinarily Smart Denny. He was also My Smiley Denny. And My Reliable Denny. Not to mention one of my favorites, My Dangerous But Loving Denny. There was My Spontaneous Denny. My Well-Meaning Denny. And, most importantly—just plain My Denny.
He looked at me, unsmiling. His eyes gave away nothing. They were cold, for the first time in his life, and bore into me hard. He was a few inches taller than me, in shape with a nicely sculpted body but definitely not a body-builder. Denny was a lot of things, but most importantly, he was mine. Or, he had been. I used to have that boy with the gray shirt with the navy blue 3/4 sleeves— you know, the ones that only go up to a little before your wrists. With the dark, loose-fitting denim jeans and black, low-cut converses. With the beautiful, expensive guitar that was the only of Denny’s possessions that was a little nicer than necessary. With the brown, leather strap around his wrist, and the leather necklace with a piece of green sea glass strapped to it around his neck. Denny, with the bright, sparkly, straight teeth and curved, beautiful nose. With the dark, woody skin contrasting those teeth I loved running my tongue over so much. Denny, with his gorgeously strong jaw-line and musky scent that was filled with the promise of a perfect future, filled with almost too much love for me to bear. God, I’d been so focused on how this was going to hurt him, that I’d forgotten how much this would actually hurt me, too.
“Denny—please, baby. Just—I’m sorry. So, so, sorry. But right now, I just need to leave this place and go somewhere new and start over. I’m sorry,” I gasped out, all in one breath. I realized I was holding back tears. Oh, perfect. Way to be strong. I guess that kind of blew the whole sensitive guy, tough-as-nails girl cliché that we apparently had. I mean, I was the one crying, and Denny was the one being all cold and giving me the silent treatment.
Well, until now. He stuffed his hands into his pocket, then pulled them out after a second. “Don’t—just don’t, Jamie.” He held up his hand. “And, please—call me Jake. Have a nice life, ‘kay? I mean it. Good-bye.” Then he left.
I felt the life being slowly dragged out of me with each of his steps. Call me Jake? What the hell was that about? Denny’s real name was Jake, but he made me call him Denny as punishment for our first date—which, of course, was at Denny’s—resulted into a horrible disaster. Jake—Denny, I didn’t know who he was anymore—had, of course, taken full blame. He was a good guy. A great guy. The best one I’d ever get. But I’d meant it when I’d said I needed to start over. It just wasn’t a question; non-negotiable. So why did this feel like the most wrong thing I’d ever done in my life?
“W-wait! Den—Jake!”
My now-ex slowly turned on his heel, and looked at me. He’d stuffed his hands in his pockets and his hard, yet somehow still warm and loving eyes looked at me from under his long, shaggy bangs. His gorgeous bangs. He was giving me another chance, and yet, at the same time, he wasn’t. He was just giving me a good-bye and it hurt a lot. My heart felt heavy, especially since I didn’t even know what to say now that I’d gotten his attention tentatively.
“Listen, Jame—I’m sorry, too. It’s unfair of me, especially since, if I’m interpreting this right, this isn’t even about me. But—but. Just—just let me come with you.” He took his hands out of his pockets and gestured towards me. “Please, Jamie. Come on. I love you. That’s all that matters to me—you’re all that matters to me. If you let me go—if you leave, I’ll never be the same. Because I know, I can promise you, that what we have is real. And you’ll never, ever find it again—at least not in this man, or any other one.” I loved that he was confident enough in himself to call himself a man, but yet, he was as far from cocky as anyone could be. I loved him so much, it physically hurt. I was already aching for him, and he was only twenty feet away from me.
“Sing to me, Denny,” I whispered, my knees shaking. Denny watched me for a while before, slowly, he made his way back to me. Gently, he put his arms around me and pressed me close to his chest. His smooth voice suddenly floated into my ear. All that was missing was his guitar’s accompaniment. But I was so used to Denny’s beautiful voice and his original songs, that I barely missed it. The guitar just added to its beauty; frosting on the cake. I started to cry for real, now, and Denny comforted me, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, and holding me as close as possible to him.
“It’s okay, baby. Shh, it’s okay. Take me with you, and everything will be okay.” I stifled my tears for a moment, and sniffed. I looked up into this man’s eyes—the only man I’d ever loved and I realized that, although Denny was making it seem like my only choice was to say yes, and let him come, deep down, I knew I had two choices. One, I could look into his eyes one last time, kiss his sweet lips, breathe in his beautiful scent, and then push him away and leave. I could let go of the only true love I’d ever have, without any guarantee whatsoever that I’d ever get it back. Or, I could hold on tight, let him stay forever, and—with all the luck in the world—have a mostly-happy ending with my sweet, sweet (possibly ex) boyfriend. I slowly lifted my head again, took one look into his eyes and melted.
“Okay,” I whispered, still sniffing. “You can come.”

I remember you. Random guestbook-signing person.
Ok; I really liked it! It had a lot of dialogue, which was kind of needed in this situation. I liked the Different Denny's; although you do have some description porn. I understand why you would want to describe his face, his demeanor and maybe the fact that he plays the guitar; but things like the length of the sleeves on his shirt and how he's a litter taller than Jamie-- not so important.
Perversely, a greif-striken person would probably drink in and spew out all those minute details that make Jake-Denny what he is.
You may want to nix the excessive description and maybe tell what atrocious things happened on their first date; because that part really intrigued me.
But that's more of a stylistic thing, not terribly important.
Did I mention it was fantastic? I really want to read more.

Hello there! Roon here, I'm going to review this, at long last. I would have done so earlier, but things have been... let's say hectic in the Roon household! Anways, I'm here now! You can literally do any genre can't you? You shouldn't put your work down, it's great! Anyway... nitpicks!

So I stared into his cool, but heartwarming blue eyes, and his past-the-ears but above-the-shoulders length dark, easy-to-tuck-behind-ear hair.

Not liking the whole I'm-going-to-put-a-dash thing you have going on here. It's not professional, the rest of your work is such a high standard, don't let little slips like this ruin it. Anyways...

It was messy, but not in a bad, sticky-upy kind of way.

Sticky-upy?

And that was just about him, my boyfriend—or, pretty soon, my ex-boyfriend. Who was all these different amazing people wrapped into one. Like, for example, my Innocent Denny. Or, my Musical Denny. My Cute Denny. My Extraordinarily Smart Denny. He was also My Smiley Denny. And My Reliable Denny. Not to mention one of my favorites, My Dangerous But Loving Denny. There was My Spontaneous Denny. My Well-Meaning Denny. And, most importantly—just plain My Denny.

My Schizophrenic Denny? Lol, no I'm kidding. Umm, it gets a little too repetitive for my liking. Other than that, the last Denny, the just plain variety... It could be phrased better, it sounds awkward, really awkward.

With the beautiful, expensive guitar that was the only of Denny’s possessions that was a little nicer than necessary.

You make it sound more than 'a little nicer than necessary' here. You could get rid of the 'a little' that would solve it, me thinks.

I was the one crying, and Denny was the one being all cold and giving me the silent treatment.

Is that not expected, really?

I felt the life being slowly dragged out of me with each of his steps. Call me Jake? What the hell was that about? Denny’s real name was Jake, but he made me call him Denny as punishment for our first date—which, of course, was at Denny’s—resulted into a horrible disaster. Jake—Denny, I didn’t know who he was anymore—had, of course, taken full blame. He was a good guy.

o_O I am so intrigued, but you don't expand...

So why did this feel like the most wrong thing I’d ever done in my life?

This sounds a little awkward, maybe 'like it was the worst decision I had ever made?' I don't know.

My now-ex slowly turned on his heel, and looked at me.

I would say 'now ex-boyfriend'

Okay, so not too many nitpicks! Anyways, I liked it, it's intriguing, but I really think, for the sake of my curious sanity, you should explain the first date scenario at some point, and let me know if you do! I think you may over describe Denny, we don't really know what Jamie looks like. Also, we have no clue where they are. Right, so it's intriguing, and well written. Apart from the dash mania you have going! This piece was really good, don't criticise your work, it's fantastic! You capture the emotion and mood really well, and the mood is wonderful! So far it seems like a nice pace for the story, your characters seem likeable, but you don’t give us too much information.

Thank you for posting, and let me know if you write more!

~ Roon

Hola Pozoe! ^^ Evi here. At the moment, I'm writing a critique on both sections at the same time, so that's to blame for the inevitable confusion that is to follow.

So, first of all, this is incredibly well-written. I really like the characterization here, and you've established a lovely flow. My main problems come with actual execution, and then some character qualms. And then, the actual plot. >_> Your writing is lovely-- but the actual idea I'm not digging so much.

“I need to start over, Denny. No romantic love, no friends. Nothing. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just—I need this. I need this clean slate, this fresh piece of paper the way you sometimes need to drive. Okay?” I paused and waited, gauging his reaction. I needed Denny to be cool about this, because, in the event I wanted him back—strictly as a friend—in the future, I needed this to go over smoothly. So I stared into his cool, but heartwarming blue eyes, and his past-the-ears but above-the-shoulders length dark, easy-to-tuck-behind-ear hair. It was messy, but not in a bad, sticky-upy kind of way. More in an…I don’t know, cute but clean way. And that was just about him, my boyfriend—or, pretty soon, my ex-boyfriend. Who was all these different amazing people wrapped into one. Like, for example, my Innocent Denny. Or, my Musical Denny. My Cute Denny. My Extraordinarily Smart Denny. He was also My Smiley Denny. And My Reliable Denny. Not to mention one of my favorites, My Dangerous But Loving Denny. There was My Spontaneous Denny. My Well-Meaning Denny. And, most importantly—just plain My Denny.

He looked at me, unsmiling. His eyes gave away nothing. They were cold, for the first time in his life, and bore into me hard. He was a few inches taller than me, in shape with a nicely sculpted body but definitely not a body-builder. Denny was a lot of things, but most importantly, he was mine. Or, he had been. I used to have that boy with the gray shirt with the navy blue 3/4 sleeves— you know, the ones that only go up to a little before your wrists. With the dark, loose-fitting denim jeans and black, low-cut converses. With the beautiful, expensive guitar that was the only of Denny’s possessions that was a little nicer than necessary. With the brown, leather strap around his wrist, and the leather necklace with a piece of green sea glass strapped to it around his neck. Denny, with the bright, sparkly, straight teeth and curved, beautiful nose. With the dark, woody skin contrasting those teeth I loved running my tongue over so much. Denny, with his gorgeously strong jaw-line and musky scent that was filled with the promise of a perfect future, filled with almost too much love for me to bear. God, I’d been so focused on how this was going to hurt him, that I’d forgotten how much this would actually hurt me, too.

All of this? Too much. In reality, I can squash this into one short sentence: Denny is perfect. Or, replace "perfect" with any of the following adjectives of your choice: amazing, wonderful, mine. Another option-- Jamie loves him. Lots.

So, what am I saying? These two paragraphs are wonderfully written, and they give readers an amazing view into this character. But it's simply too much. You can't dump all of this information/description on us so early in the story and expect us to be able to appreciate it. Go ahead and remark about how amazing he is, but save all this gushing for a point in the story where the MC isn't making a life-changing decision. Because, as it is, all of this glorious description is just in the way of your plot, and readers are going to skim it.

^_^ Ya?

The Whole "It's not you, it's me!" idea

In short, you've got a bit of a cliche here. >_> Jamie seems to love Denny-Jake so fully, so completely, that her leaving him makes absolutely zero sense whatsoever. You say that she needs the space, the clean slate (which reminds me, in the beginning you say 'no friend'? Nobody in their right mind wants to be excluded and friend-less. Seriously, that's waaay too anti-social. xD) but I can't understand why. You provide no reason. It's one thing if her mom just died tragically or something, maybe she and Denny had a huge fight. But you're not giving us a back story to this sudden decision. And we need more explanation for us to accept her seemingly-crazy decision to break up with the love of her life.

Basically, if you're going to go with the "I still love you, but I have to do this for myself" cliche, you've got to make it work.

Character Believability

Give Denny flaws. Okay? It's mandatory. If you keep having such a perfect boyfriend, I'll have to slap him over the head with a spatula and that will be that. Kthxbai.

*ahem*

...


This:

“Sing to me, Denny,” I whispered, my knees shaking. Denny watched me for a while before, slowly, he made his way back to me. Gently, he put his arms around me and pressed me close to his chest. His smooth voice suddenly floated into my ear. All that was missing was his guitar’s accompaniment. But I was so used to Denny’s beautiful voice and his original songs, that I barely missed it. The guitar just added to its beauty; frosting on the cake. I started to cry for real, now, and Denny comforted me, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, and holding me as close as possible to him.

Must go. It's nice, but this is the first chapter/scene, and we don't know enough about their relationship to view this paragraph of singing as anything but terribly mushy and over-done, which it's not really. Like everything, it's well written. Just now's not the right time to play this "Sing for me" card.

Clarification

“Okay,” I whispered, still sniffing. “You can come.”

Where, again, are they going? You never explained that. I thought she meant she jut wanted to start over, socially-wise; not that she was physically moving. You'll have to clarify this, perhaps in the next installment.

~~*~~*

So, all in all, well written but a bit melodramatic and too mushy-gushy unbelievable romance! ^_^ Just work on fleshing out these characters and coming up with a more realistic "break-up" scene, and you'll be golden.

To part two!

~Evi

I think all the other reviewers got everything, pretty much. And I agree with it, but as I was cruising down through all the critiquing, I kept searching for the one thing I'd noticed, because if someone else pointed out, well, I wouldn't have to. But they didn't, so...

It's not just that Denny's completely flawless--it's that he reminds of nothing and nobody more than Edward Cullen.

-Girl screams- -cat shrieks- -puppy dies- -world implodes-

Yes. -shudder- Edward. He sings, he plays an instrument amazingly, he's not a bodybuilder but very fit, he's sensitive and oh god, sculpted. He's like a hippie version of Edward Cullen.

I liked it, the story. Even though she was like Bella, crying and melting and loving him so much it physically hurt (sounds exactly like something Bella says, that last one), I liked the story. For being kind of annoying, the character's dialogue was pretty believable, which no one seems to be able to do these days. It was cute, and sweet, only the characters were Twilightish.

Anyways! That's me. Once you've figured out that your characters are messed up, all you have to do is fix it. Write little blurbs, maybe, in a notebook, explore what they might be like, what their quirks could be--I dunno. Usually for me they just kind of pop out of the ground and I flesh them out a little, but it might be different for you.

Gotta run. Hope I made sense, and that I see more of you soon! =D

-SELA

Loved everything. It was so beautifully written, It had our attention from the beginning to the end, and omg I want to read more! pm me if you put more on.

I know you said this isn't your usual style, but it was written so well it may as well have been... if you know what I mean.

I found the descriptions and detail added to the piece normally, it gave greater depth to the girls feeling for Denny.

the title though.. one thing about it I didn't like! I think ' To love or not' would be better. Or even ' To love or not to love' because at the moment, it doesn't have a special ring to it, like the rest of this work does.

Beth x