Only Misery Can Accompany Sweet Love

This is for tnme22's Flash Fiction Contest! Reviews would be much appreciated! I believe in returning reviews too!
>><<

Glistening tears are suspended on my weary face. The feeling of heartache seeps through my entire being, beginning in the hollow wastelands of where my heart once thrived, to the faint tingling sensation on the edge of my fingertips. I dig my fingernails into my palms, as if the unnecessary pain can banish all of my feelings. My breath is shaky as memories flash through my frazzled brain.
~*~

Summer sun glistened around our bodies as we floated lazily on the sparkling lake. You smiled brilliantly at me, knowing my heart was already soaked in love for you. The sun blinded our eyes as we kissed for the first time and certainly not the last.
~*~

On my front porch, the twinkling starts and smiling moon the witnesses, you told me you loved me. I would never be the same and neither would you, or so you said.
~*~

Alone at your house, the music blaring, the parents gone, you took something from me that I can never have back. I was never unsatisfied, never felt unclean. In fact, at that moment, it was perfection.
~*~

After months of heavy love, of beautiful roses, and silver-lined clouds, I walked in at the wrong moment. The girl’s mouth was on yours, and your hands were sneaking their way up her shirt. The music was blaring, your parents were gone. What was meant to be a surprise turned out to be so wrong.
~*~

The second your eyes looked up, the second they met mine, my heart, it merely faded and left nothing behind.
~*~

I sit alone, with the pathetic message you left on my phone, thinking of our times. I smile bitterly, for you took my heart, and guess what, I want it back.

Hey Silversun,

One nitpick super fast:

and you hands

It should be your hands.

Anyways, your story sounded a lot like a very pretty, very sad poem. The story you chose to tell went in line with what was requested of you by Tnme for the contest. I think it was well written with a lot of description. I haven't reviewed a lot of stories like yours since I'm unfamiliar with the style of writing but I thought I'd give yours a try.

~Dakota

Hey there Silversun! So, I have to say that not only did you spark my interest in this contest but you definitely created something very powerful and extremely well constructed though I did have a few things I wanted to point out.

the twinkling starts and smiling moon the witnesses, you told me you loved me.

Um…this doesn’t seem to make sense because for one, I think you mean ‘stars’ not ‘starts’. Also, try adding the word ‘with’ right before that first ‘the’ and changing the second ‘the’ to an ‘as’. At least in my jumbled head it seems to make sense.

The Message
I would really love to see what he said in that pathetic message. That’s just me and I think that the way you went by not adding it did leave the reader to imagine what he said which is a good thing. It makes them think about the piece.

Word Choice
I adore your word choice so so so so much. It’s very creative and it sets a wonderful tone for the story.

Anyway, this was an overall just wonderful story to get to read. Good luck with the contest! Feel free to PM me with any questions!

~lilymoore

Hi!

This was really nice, and even though it was short you portrayed the emotions and descriptions perfectly. The nit-picks were already pointed out, so there's not much else I can say! Just one thing:

Glistening tears are suspended on my weary face.

I'm not sure if weary is the right word here. It makes the MC sound... tired, bored, even. Is that the message you want to get across?

Otherwise, it's perfect - and, as Dakota said, it sounds like a pretty, sad poem.

Goodluck with the contest!

~Lilicia

Hey Silver ^^ Shina here to do a review for you I'm a bit rusty since I've been flooded busy with school and sports and clubs, but I'm still trying to do my job here on YWS xD Plus, I need to get practicing for my incredibly nit-picky world lit teacher and for the writing club I'm starting at school.

I. Nitpicks

Glistening tears are suspended on my weary face.

I'm not feeling your hook, Silver. It's a description, definitely, but it's flat, and the words don't connect. The problem is that these words are all just pieces stuck together. They don't seem to fit.

And that's especially not good if your hook doesn't flow, because your hook is the window to your story. It needs to capture the reader's attention and it needs to be unique.

Plus, this sounds too dramatic, if you know what I'm saying. Tears can't really suspend on someone's face. Once they fall, I'm pretty sure they roll all the way down, and if anything, they hang on the edge for a few seconds. How would the MC know that their tears are "glistening"? Remember it's first person, so unless they're infront of a mirror, they don't know what they look like to that extent. The word "weary" is also flat. It's too telly, and I can't picture what this description would look like. How do you describe someone who looks weary without actually saying they look weary? After you answer that question, you've got a much better description that should replace this sentence.

The feeling of heartache seeps through my entire being, beginning in the hollow wastelands of where my heart once thrived, to the faint tingling sensation on the edge of my fingertips.

It's your second sentence, and I can already summarize what you're doing wrong here, Silver. You're trying too hard to be poetic and descriptive, and the result is a wordy mush of misused adjectives.

Some of these descriptions also contradict and/or are repetitive.

"The feeling of heartache seeps through my entire being, beginning in the hollow wastelands of where my heart once thrived."

Repetitive?

"to thefaint tingling sensation on the edge of my fingertips."

A bit wordy, isn't it? It's better to say something big in a few words than something small with many I'd remove "faint" and work from there.
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II.Overall

I was going to nitpick through the rest of it, but it can just about be summarized.

-Cliche?
A story about a girl, (I believe it's a girl?), and how a guy stole her heart, and what they've been through. I've heard this story while washing my hands in the girl's restroom, it's been done extremely well in published novels, and if I'm in the mood for more of the drama, I can just go over to one of my lovesick friends and hear them talk about their problems.

And the problem with this is simple: you need to make it unique. What you've said has been said many times before, so what makes yours different? You need a twist.

-Description?
Your descriptions are halfway there. You're being too wordy and you're misusing a lot of adjectives and the picture you're trying to show the ready is blurry, it even seems like you're unsure of what you're trying to describe.

On the plus side, you're going in the right direction. I remember myself making mistakes like being too wordy and trying too hard to sound like a writer that I wasn't. Be yourself in your writing and don't worry about satisfying or impressing anyone other than yourself. It's quality, Silver, not quantity

-Shina