Forgotten.

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Hello. I’m Roon, this just came to me this morning when I was scribbling in my maths book, trying my hardest to concentrate, c’mon, homework before the year even starts? Anyway… Erm, it’s not perfect, it’s actually quite rough, but I thought I’d post it, because I don’t really know what to do with it! Haha, this is my first piece on the new site! Enjoy, if you can! xD

Forgotten



Reach out with fingers that fall short.
Let your hands explore what they can’t find.
You can see, you can hear, but
you can’t feel.


Isolated, confused; you shout, howl, moan, for help.
You won’t be heard.
The box you hide in is the very thing
that’s killing you.
Scream and cry as you suffocate
Wither and die as you fade.


Hidden in your box, no one will find you,
no one will come looking,
fade into history,
fade into the future.


Fade. No one will remember
your lonely existence.


Fall, in that coffin you made, to protect.
Fall into the deep, dark, sea.
Fall from our dreams.
Float away unseen.


Where is your impact as you reach the bottom?
There is nothing for you to leave behind.
It’s all in your box; your prison.


At the depths of the ocean,
you can no longer see out, no longer hope.
You stare, until your aching eyes forsake you.
Plunge further, feel the warmth leave your breath.


Water is leaking in, your memories,
Come to greet you perhaps? No.


They come to seal the lid.
Flooding in now, starving you of air.
You try to fight your way out
but you’re trapped, ensnared, caught.

Feel the pain of loneliness,
scratch your fingers
to the bone, search in vain for an escape.
You look down at the blood,
The first thing you have felt in an age.


You’re finally connected to your being.
Let go.
You catch your last breath,
smiling,


you’ll finally be free…




Thanks to all who reviewed, I've made most of the changes that have been suggested, but I'm waiting for inspiration on a couple of lines that I need to change :)
Last edited by roon on Wed Oct 14, 2009 5:17 pm, edited 7 times in total.
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau




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Woah. That was... wow. :D
Seriously, you shouldn't put yourself down. It was one of those poems I was totally absorbed in and just sat there, staring. I'm not usually a fan of unstructured pieces, lots of the time they can feel hurried or just like a story really. But yours, that I liked.

Favourite line:
You stare, until your aching eyes forsake you.

*squees*

Ok, sorry I am not being much help on this at all. I have been rereading it, trying to find something that needs a bit of work but at the moment, nothing :).

PM me when you post another poem, it's such a good read.

Again, sorry for the little help.

Aqua X
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OK I'm not good at reviewing poetry, but hey, anyone can tell that was a well written piece of work. I felt the intensity of it. You definitely have the feel of it down. It has good rhythm. I think it might be a little disorganized, but then again I'm not a professional at poetry.
Intense, full of feeling, and very interesting. Once you start reading this you can't peel your eyes off it.
Great job! :D
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Hello roon!
And wow, deep stuff. So, this is what I understand from this poem (personal perception):

At the start I feel that the “you” is someone who is separated from society, this person tries their hardest to fit in but doesn’t seem to; “Reach out with fingers, that fall short.”
They also don’t seem to be able to relate to anyone, they can’t empathize; “you can’t feel.”
Next I begin to think the person has been exiled, and no one from their previous society will help them; “Isolated, confused, you shout, howl, moan, for help.
You won’t be heard.” And the person has become a hermit; “Hidden in your box, no one will find you, no one will come looking, fade into history,” So, the previous friends don’t or aren’t permitted to have any contact with the exile.
Another thing that strikes me is that the exile is endangered by the previous society that he/she belonged to; “Fall, in that coffin you made, to protect.”

There seem to be a lot of different ideas going on (well, in my head anyway...) and I really like this effect from a poem! I enjoyed reading this and we now arrive at my final thought on this piece!

The person has been accused of a crime, which they did not in fact commit. The society that the person was exiled from does not give a fair trial, if any and they begin a “witch-hunt” for the person. The person manages to flee and becomes a hermit, but soon misses the society which they once belonged to, and crumbles mentally. The hunt is re ignited and the person realizes that death is the only escape, and embraces it.

I have probably thought too deeply about this, for which I apologize, however the above is what this poem showed to me.

And... I really enjoyed it, so thank you and well done!

P.S. This did begin as a review, but I got carried away, besides I could not think of any way to improve it! :)

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Hola! I'm here for reviewing duty! Well it's not really a duty since I love it, but here it goes :)

Reach out with fingers, that fall short.

I don't think that the comma is necessary, in fact it makes it a little bit confusing.

Isolated, confused, you shout, howl, moan, for help.

I would possibly break this up some, but that's more a matter of poet haha

Hidden in your box, no one will find you,

Maybe make another line at the comma?

Where is your impact as you reach the bottom?

I really, really love this line. For some reason, I connect really well to it. It makes me think about a broader subject than this one, which is great for a poem.

Water is leaking in, your memories,
Come to greet you perhaps? No

I would put your memories with come to greet you perhaps, and then make no it's own line and seperate the next stanza.

Other than those nitpicks, I really loved it. The ending was especially powerful and a very good way to end it. Well, I liked it a lot! Keep going at these poems!
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Hey roon, Crocks here!

You stare, until your aching eyes forsake you.

Best line ever!

I can't really review poems, because I'm no good at them, but this is probably one of the best poems I've read. Not that that's saying much, because I don't read poetry, but, you know....
I don't think this is your fault, but I'll mention it anyway. I can't see the stanzas. (I did get that right, right? Stanzas?)
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

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Thank you all! I'm still looking for name advice though?

~ Roon
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau




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All I can say is.. well.. it was wow and very well written. :)
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pretty sweet! i'm not much of a poem person, and i've been extremely busy with school and sports so i'm really really sorry this took so long! but yeah, if i can, i'll try to review it later but it looks pretty awesome right now just skimming over it
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Very nice! But some of your choices of wording I'm questionable about. "you can’t feel" i was hoping for a better word besides "feel" actually. Also the parts where you used just a single word such as "Fade" and "No" I think could have been a little more thought about. Besides those, i enjoyed it a lot and you're a great poet! Keep it up!

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I am in LOVE... With this poem that is. It's not really going to help you with your writing, but hopefully it'll make you more confident!
"The box you hide in is the very thing
that’s killing you." <-- This line gave me goosebumps I swear. It's just so sad, but so honest and true.

"They come to seal the lid.
Flooding in now, starving you of air.
You try to fight your way out
but you’re trapped, ensnared, caught." I love the darkness of these lines, and the images, and just... everything!

"You look down at the blood,
The first thing you have felt in an age." My comments aren't even constructive, but I love this. Like I was saying before, it's so beautiful but dark.
We're living in a den of theives, and it's contageous.




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Hey Roon! Here I am as you requested.

You had some great things going on in this poem. I especially liked the images that I like to call "meticulous," the ones I could feel to my bones. It seemed like you have been spending a lot of time in polishing this poem, and it's definitely a good thing. Good poetry isn't born in two minutes without never looking at it again.

The things I didn't really like were the one-word stanzas "Fade." and "No." I've never been a fan of this kind of effects, because I think they're too abrupt to work. It's like a rock falling on your head while having a walk in the park. When there are pretty and fluent stanzas, having something as stiff as "No." in the middle sort of ruins the atmosphere. So I would suggest fusing the one-word stanzas in either the previous ones or the following ones, to make it smoother.

Also, this:

Feel the pain of loneliness,


was slightly disappointing after all the great images and metaphors you had in the rest of the poem. I'm sure you are able to do something more mind-blowing than "pain of loneliness." In fact, you have already proved you can. :)


You’re finally connected to your being.
Let go.
You catch your last breath,
smiling,


you’ll finally be free…


The ending should be at least as strong as the beginning, and unfortunately it didn't happen now. I really liked the beginning of the poem, but this ending was too basic, too regular, to be memorable. Also the fact that you used ellipsis in the ending line comes out as not being sure about how to end a poem. The ellipsis leave it vague and foggy, and while it's often up to the reader to make different interpretations of the ending, you shouldn't seem like you yourself didn't know how it went. Be gentle if you feel like it, but more than that, be firm.

One of my favourite lines was the very first one. About the title - I think the current one works better as the other option(s) you had, but I can't really give you any suggestions, since I don't know where you're going with it. What kind of things would you like the title to deliver, or what's the deepest core of the poem for you? Think about that, and try to sum it up in the title. You can PM me if you have any questions.

Good job!


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I only know that learning to believe in the power of my own words has been the most freeing experience of my life. It has brought me the most light. And isn't that what a poem is? A lantern glowing in the dark.
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