Celluloid Truth

Here we are the 21st century,
ahead and aware of it all.
Machines and ideas
cultivate freely.
But this festering
soup is decayed!
The ingredients
sour, and minds
stay closed.

We should have learnt,
we should know,
history is replaying
on a sad cinema reel.

The matinee begins,
phones ring and
pop corn is thrown.

Mistakes replay
as the audience
watch. Weeping when
scripted, but then
it's over,

The emotions
forgot.

Round we go,
can we stop?

Do we wish to?

The cinema lays
empty, but the film
keeps playing, over.

The audience gone,
and the building
old.

Dust to dust.
ashes to ash
time takes it.

Still on the tripod,
it keeps spinning,
history playing
on a cruel loop.

In a wasteland
of our minds,
we cry and
smile when
told.

But that lonely
camera knows
and knows
we'll keep on
with the same path.

As the sun sets
on mankind’s feats
the feet of the camera
embedded, a faded
projection shown
in the sky.

Of mushroom clouds,
the KKK, Holocaust
victims and lies
we have made.

While it lays
forgotten the reel
encrusted, it
keeps happening
on and on.

It's alone in
the world now
still playing
the message.

Why did no
one listen
and understand.

If we keep going
way we are,
those mistakes
we abhor will
be made again
and again.


*******

This is first poem, posted here for a while, but I think it's fair, since I've ripped apart enough poems, now to let others have the fun XD.

Yo! Stella here!

Okay, so as I've said I'm not much into poetry, but I decided to review this.

I. NITPICKS

Here we are the 21st century,
ahead and aware of it all.

Ahead? Ahead of what, exactly?

But this festering
soup is decayed!

First of all, festering soup? *is amused* Is that an idiom I haven't heard before? But if it's festering, surely it is decayed. And I don't like that exclamation mark.

on sad cinema reel.

I don't know whether you leave articles out on purpose, but it's sort of annoying. Try putting an "a" in here.

pop corn thrown.

is thrown, surely? Only your last action was active and this then doesn't make sense.

but the film
keep playing,

Film keep playing? You've got one singular and one plural thing here... which is it? Also, pourquoi la comma?

Of mushroom clouds,
the KKK, Holocaust
victims and lies
we have made.

Okay, I have a problem just with this: the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both groups that thought they were superior and it seems weird to mention both of them here together, like it's an imbalance with the rest of the faults we have. If that makes sense. Which it probably doesn't. Come on, the human race has done tonnes of mean stuff you could say here.

Okay...

II. SPACING

Part of the reason I don't like modern poetry is because people can shove in a new line wherever they like and to be honest, that seems to be exactly what you're doing here. Why did you start that one there? Why are there commas in some places and not in others, why full stops and no capital letter and yet you follow the rules in other places?

I think you need some type of pattern or system, even just half a one, to follow, at the moment it's just seeming kind of random and it bugs me...

III. THE REEL

You talk a lot about a cinema reel here, and it makes me wonder if this is a metaphor for something, and then I get the impression it's on the beach. Okay, I know it's not, I just imagine it is. And... I don't know... your images of it seem to change every stanza, first it's in a cinema and then it's decaying, but still playing, but before that it's at what seems like the end of the world. At least, that's how I interpreted it, and poetry is all about interpretation, right? My advice here would be to stick to less images, build up on those before you start new ones...

IV. OVERALL

It could use some work. It's a bit of a lecture at the mo. Try not to be quite so heavy-handed, cut down on the number of images and try to make more logic out of your spacing, punctuation, etc. and it'll be better!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Hey Vernon! I'm here as promised!

Here we are the 21st century,
ahead and aware of it all.
Machines and ideas
cultivate freely.
But this festering
soup is decayed!
The ingredients
sour, and minds
stay closed.

I love the way you've started this poem off. We know the setting straight off, and we have an idea as to what your poem has to do with. It also makes the reader feel as though the poem is speaking specifically to them, which is a great affect. But there, in bold... I have a problem with this. The first four lines of the poem have a light-hearted tone, suggesting the progress we have made, and the progress we are still going to make. But then, as you go into the next few lines, you're shoving a very negative mood into our faces without any warning. I'd suggest you clean that up a little. Let the positive tone linger for a little longer, and smoothly transition into the negative.

We should have learnt,
we should know,
history is replaying
on a sad cinema reel.

I know that this poem has no particular rhythm to it, which is why this bothers me. When I read it out loud, it sounds as if you were almost trying to have a rhythm, but not quite getting there. If I were you, I'd change it up a bit. Take out a word or two here, add a word or two there so that it doesn't sound so awkward when read aloud. If that makes any sense.

The emotions
forgot.

I don't know if you did this intentionally or not, but 'the emotions forgot'? It sounds like how a four-year old child might speak. Change it to 'forgotten' to avoid that.

Round we go,
can we stop?

Something about this seems off. I'm thinking it's because it needs a 'but' before 'can'. "Round we go, but can we stop?" Doesn't that sound much better versus "Round we go, can we stop?"

As the sun sets
on mankind’s feats
the feet of the camera

'Feats' and 'feet' sound odd in the same sentence. Can you use another word, perhaps?

Why did no
one listen
and understand.

I understand that some sentences put into the form of a question don't need a question mark, but this needs one.

If we keep going
way we are,
those mistakes
we abhor will
be made again
and again.

Please put a 'the' after 'going', so it doesn't sound so odd.


So. I really do like this poem a lot. I like the symbolic message you have here, a sort of plea for we people to stop making the same mistakes and take a new path. And I also enjoy how everything ties into a film and the cinema. But, honestly, I think it's too repetitive. You take the metaphor of the movie for granted and use it too much. The way it's read, it sounds like you expect us all to be babies and not understand it just once. I'd like to see just a little less of the movie theme going on here, to avoid it seeming as though you're shoving down our throats. Another thing I want you to pay a little more attention too is your punctuation. There are some places (and I think you'll see them if you read over this a few more times) where it just sounds wrong. I'm not going to point them all out to you though. It won't be too hard to find on your own.

That's all I really have to say about this. Again, I really love the message of this poem. It's written very clearly and I enjoy your point of view on this topic.
-Holly

Hey Vernon, you gonna rip apart my poem so I thought I'd return the favor

Here we are the 21st century,
ahead and aware of it all.
Machines and ideas
cultivate freely.
But this festering
soup is decayed!
The ingredients
sour, and minds
stay closed.

1 Now what I think you mean by this is the fact that the human race is thriving and aware of it. But this line has to be reread to be understood, you need to put it in a simpler way to understand or explain.

2 This bit seems a bit of a contradiction to me. Your saying the human race is successful but it's decaying, therefore declining? As said above it's too much of a change in the first stanza. You need more positive before going straight onto the negative.

We should have learnt,
we should know,
history is replaying
on a sad cinema reel.

1 This should be "We should have known" or you need to take away the comma.

I like this stanza though, where you start to introduce the cinema idea, it's a great metaphor.

The matinee begins,
phones ring and
pop corn is thrown.

This is just out of curiosity, what is the symbolism with the two last lines. Maybe it's just my simplicity but I can't decipher an inner meaning, they just sound off and childish here, not adding anything to the poem.

Mistakes replay
as the audience
watch. Weeping when
scripted, but then
it's over,

1 But then it's over? Surely the point is that the movie keeps playing on loop, never stopping, so technically it's never over. You need to change this.

The emotions
forgot.

As above, change to forgotten.

Round we go,
can we stop?

Above again, this would sound a lot better like "Round we go, but can we stop?". I'm not sure why you haven't changed some of these, but then again maybe your just waiting till you get some more feedback.

Do we wish to?

I love this line, even though it's so simple, I just love it. I really threw me, and set me thinking about it for ages. Gold star!!!

The cinema lays
empty, but the film
keeps playing, over.

I'm not sure I quite understand this. So the cinema is empty, that seems to me like humainity is dead, extinct, but then you say the film keeps playing. The film can't play over and over again without humans....I'm confused. Surely it should be as soon as the film is over another audience comes in, another wave of people, another generation.

Okay this is were you lost me, totally. The message in this metaphor keeps on jumping around, or maybe it's just the fact that it isn't stated clearly enough. I mean your definitely Showing here not Telling, which is good to a point. But you need to have a small amount of Tell, or simplify man!

The Audience

Now this is what confused me. I perceived the audience as the humans living this life cycle, this history over and over again. But if the audience leaves and the film cycle keeps playing... that's just it, I can't work out the meaning being it. Explain.

Ending

I have to say I was really disappointed when I read the ending. You have a lot of powerful stuff in this poem, especially with the events like the holocaust being relieved. I was expecting some big ending, something all this build up was waiting for and more importantly needs, but you just told us something we already know, that you have already over used in this poem. The idea of man repeating his mistakes. Wouldn't it be scarier if the tape just stopped one day, didn't change, but stopped.

Overall

I not going to lie when I say I didn't like this poem, I loved the metaphor but it was to confusing to work for me. I think if you rewrite some of this, get a clearer message across then this could be epic, you just need to work at it.


-Izzy-

This reminds me a lot of stuff I wrote in higschool, but better. By the way, in mentioning the symptoms of the disease of man you forgot to mention hyper specialization, overpopulation, prevention born diseases, and government cheese.