Learning the Truth (Chapter 6)

I am running around like an idiot yelling Jacob’s name. So far I checked the bakery, all of the abandoned apartment buildings where his friends live, I have even checked the bakery! Nothing. I’ve also gone back home a couple of times, just to see if the whole dead thing was all in my head.

As I run from place to place, I look around to see if he was just taking a walk. No sign of Jacob anywhere. I stopped to catch my breath. I put my hands on my knees and took deep cleansing breaths. Okay Hailey, think. What is the one place you haven’t checked…? The river! I stood up straight and started running.
From where I am, the river is at least three miles away. I only ran three miles? I’m losing my edge. I push my feet to run faster. As I was getting closer, Zoe popped out of nowhere getting in my way. I’m forced to stop even though I didn’t want to. “Out of my way Miller, I don’t have time for this,” I said, with an attempt of getting passed her that failed.

“Well, well, well look whose back,” she said with a sinister smile.

“Get out of my way,” I said, as I abruptly tried to walk past her. But she stopped me by getting in my way. My patience is limited. “Look Miller, get out of my way. Now,” I said with a harsh tone. Jacob could need my help right now and I can’t get to him. I could feel my anger soaring threw my veins. This was gonna get ugly… soon.

“Move!”

“No. What are you gonna do about it?”

I was taking deep breaths to control those explosions of mine. I pushed her out of my way. I pushed her so hard that she fell to the ground. “Don’t mess with me.” That sounded a lot more sinister than intended.

I started running again. I was pushing people out of my way. I didn’t even say sorry. I didn’t care. All I want to do is find Jacob. I run as fast as I can, but it’s not fast enough. I force my feet to run faster. As I approach the river I hear something loud and booming. I start running faster.

I get to the river, only to find Jacob there. He was throwing rocks across the river.
“Jacob!” I said, running toward him and hugging him. “You’re okay!”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You weren’t at home.”

“Oh yeah I left. I was bored and the entire time I felt like I was being watched…”

“Okay, so let’s get this clear. Your not hurt and no one kidnapped you?”

“No.”

“Okay good,” I said, with a sigh of relief. “Well then: What’s wrong with you?!” I said, yelling at him. “I’ve been looking all over the freaking town for you, you idiot! You could have left a note! How hard is it to pick up a freaking pen and a freaking piece of paper and write: I’m going to the river Hail, don’t worry! God!” I got so mad I punched his stomach. “Ow!”I yelled in pain. I clutched my hand to my stomach. “God Jacob! You have abs of steel!”

“Thank you?”

“Ow!” I yelled, in agony again.

“Let me see,” ha said, walking toward me. He took my hand very gently, making sure not to make any rash movements. My hand so bad! It felt like they crushed my hand by four tons of steel and stone. I looked at it and noticed that my knuckles were bruised.

“Can you move your figures?” he asked. I slowly moved my fingers. I could barely move them but when I did sharp pain shot threw my entire hand. “Well miraculously it’s not broken,” he said just as shocked as I was. “But I do suggest that you try and not move it for a while. We’ll get you some fixation bandages.”

I nodded I tried really hard not to cry. Wait a minute! I’m here to yell at Jacob! “Don’t change the subject Jacob William Thomas!”

“I’m not- Wait how do you know my middle name?”

“That’s not important right now! What is important is you almost giving me a heart attack!”

“What do you mean?” he said all calm.

“You weren’t at home! I thought of the most- Wait,” I said cutting myself off “did you say that you felt like you were being watched?” I asked him, all anger now forgotten.

“Yeah… Hail? Hailey, what’s wrong?”

I am officially freaked right now! What am I gonna do? We’re being followed! Are we really? Or am I just paranoid? Just because they followed me doesn’t mean they’re fallowing Jacob too. I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn’t realize Jacob had his hands on my shoulders shaking me. “Earth to Hailey!” said Jacob.

“Jacob stop it! I have to tell you something.” I said putting my good hand on one of his shoulders.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I was followed today.” I said my voice a whisper. Jacob stood there for a couple of seconds until he finally reacted.

“Hailey are you sure you were followed? You weren’t just being paranoid?” I nodded. “ Okay, let’s fix you up then we go home and you tell me everything that happened, okay?”

“But-”

“No buts. Hailey your hurt, now come on.” I nodded. It’s just easier to agree with him sometimes.


***
We are in front of the market now. “Okay I have a couple of bucks left from the other day. Stay here I’ll be right back,” said Jacob while crossing the street to the pharmacy. Okay… I’m here, he’s there. No problem… I can manage being here… by myself… no one around… alone…. Okay now I’m just over reacting here. What are the chances of that British guy showing up now? Slim to none those are the chances. Well theirs no one around he could take advantage of this moment. Shut up Hailey you’re just being paranoid. Jacob will be here any minute and then you can tell him everything that happened, then everything will be okay.

Jacob walked out of the pharmacy with a little white bag that had the name of the store on it. Thank God he came out! Any longer and I would have ran in there! And that would be very embarrassing. “Okay let’s go,” said Jacob. I nodded and we started walking toward home.

***

“Hold still! God, I’ll be done in a minute!” Jacob complained.

“Sorry!” I said. I am a little… jittery. I just want to talk to Jacob and tell him what happened! But he insists on treating my injured hand! What kind of friend does that?! I started bouncing my knee. I tend to do that when I get impatient.

“Hailey! Hailey stop!” he said putting his hand on my knee and forcing it to stop. “Stop.”

“Sorry.” I looked around the room for a little while. Then, I started bouncing my knee again.

“Okay I’m done!”

“Great,” I said looking at my hand. Looks good, kid knows what he’s doing.

“Okay,” said Jacob interrupting my thoughts. “You were followed?! What?! Care to explain?”

“Well,” I cleared my throat, “when I was taking a walk, Miller was giving me a hard time. When we were about to fight I could feel my powers… kicking in? I guess. Well anyway, I hate her but I didn’t want to blow her up. Well I did, but I still didn’t do it. So I started running and I ended up in this street. It was completely abandoned and creepy looking. Kind of how this street use to be, you know? So when I started walking back home trench coat guy was following me! I started running and I managed to lose him.”

Jacob was serious for a moment the he reacted. “Trench coat dude?! That creepo that you saw at the market today?! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Well, more than you already are?”

“No I’m fine. Just a little scared,” I said looking down at my hands. Before I knew Jacob hugged me.

He pulled away. “You shouldn't’t be scared Hail. I’m here. Whatever Mr. Stoker wants to do, I’ll be here and we’ll protect each other. I watch your back…”

I smiled. “I watch yours,” I said finishing his sentence. We did a knuckle touch and got up from the couch.

“You seriously past up a opportunity to get rid of Zoe Miller?”

“Shut up!” I was gonna slap him, but then a sharp pain went threw my hand. As if reminding me no to do it. I’ll just endure his laughter. I rolled my eyes. “Ha, ha that was simply hilarious. Now when are we gonna train again?”

“We can go again tomorrow. Unless you’re to tired from today?”

“Bring it on Thomas.”

“You got it Taylor.” We laughed.

“It’s getting late. We should go to bed.”

“Yeah I guess.” We walked to our rooms. I stopped at my door and looked at Jacob. “Good night Jake,” I said smiling.

He smiled back at me. “Good night Hail.” I went in my room and closed the door. I changed to my pajamas and went to bed. I have a big day tomorrow.

So far I checked the bakery, all of the abandoned apartment buildings where his friends live, I have even checked the bakery! Nothing. I’ve also gone back home a couple of times, just to see if the whole dead thing was all in my head.

You repeated bakery. You have it at the beginning and the end. Choose one and stick just one, not two. Don't worry, it happens (:

I put my hands on my knees and took deep cleansing breaths. Okay Hailey, think. What is the one place you haven’t checked…? The river! I stood up straight and started running.

Comma. After deep you should have a comma. If you put one, it'll look the right way, like this: And took deep, cleansing breaths. See?
As for the 'Where's the one palce you haven't checked...? The river!' is it supposed to be a thought? If so itaclize it then she thought afterwards.

I could feel my anger soaring threw my veins.

You threw nothing, it's actually through. Don't you just hate when that happens?

I started running again. I was pushing people out of my way. I didn’t even say sorry. I didn’t care. All I want to do is find Jacob. I run as fast as I can, but it’s not fast enough. I force my feet to run faster. As I approach the river I hear something loud and booming. I start running faster.

I read an article about this, it's called screen writing. But your doing a novel, no? I would try and use less I's and don't make it like a screen play.

I do it all the time.

How hard is it to pick up a freaking pen and a freaking piece of paper and write: I’m going to the river Hail, don’t worry! God!”

For the note part try it like this: I'm going to the river, Hail. Don't worry. When you have a name, a comma goes before the name, not after.

“Can you move your figures?” he asked. I slowly moved my fingers. I could barely move them but when I did sharp pain shot threw my entire hand.

You must have been typing a little bit too fast, figures is supposed to be fingers.

Wait I was a minute! I’m here to yell at Jacob! “Don’t change the subject Jacob William Thomas!”

Set off your thinking.

Other than all that, it's good to go

Hi Wookie!!! Read your story yesterday, but I was too tired to make are review at the time... But hey guess what? I have time now! So, lets start!

I am running around like an idiot yelling Jacob’s name. So far I checked the bakery, all of the abandoned apartment buildings where his friends live, I have even checked the bakery! Nothing. I’ve also gone back home a couple of times, just to see if the whole dead thing was all in my head.

Repetition! Be careful.

As I run from place to place, I look around to see if he was just taking a walk. No sign of Jacob anywhere. I stopped to catch my breath. I put my hands on my knees and took deep cleansing breaths. Okay Hailey, think. What is the one place you haven’t checked…? The river! I stood up straight and started running.

Ok, here it would sound less confusing if it had some italics and after okay there should be a comma (I think).

“Get out of my way,” I said, as I abruptly tried to walk past her. But she stopped me by getting in my way. My patience is limited. “Look Miller, get out of my way. Now,” I said with a harsh tone. Jacob could need my help right now and I can’t get to him. I could feel my anger soaring threw my veins. This was gonna get ugly… soon.

I think it would be better if you'd put a comma instead of a period. Also you're confusing "threw" with "through".

“Let me see,” ha said, walking toward me. He took my hand very gently, making sure not to make any rash movements. My hand so bad! It felt like they crushed my hand by four tons of steel and stone. I looked at it and noticed that my knuckles were bruised.

I think, thet here you ment something like: "My hand hurts so bad!"

“Can you move your figures?” he asked. I slowly moved my fingers. I could barely move them but when I did sharp pain shot threw my entire hand. “Well miraculously it’s not broken,” he said just as shocked as I was. “But I do suggest that you try and not move it for a while. We’ll get you some fixation bandages.”

Again, same mistake and you missed a comma after "Well".

I nodded I tried really hard not to cry. Wait [u]I was a minute![/u] I’m here to yell at Jacob! “Don’t change the subject Jacob William Thomas!”

The first sentence here, I think, should go something like this: "I nodded and tried really hard not to cry." The second sentence had me like what? So, I think you should scrath out the "I was".

OK, for now I have to stop, but I promise to finish my review tomorrow. I just had to put that one!

Hey Wookie, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

So far I checked the bakery, all of the abandoned apartment buildings where his friends live, I have even checked the bakery!

You've checked the bakery- and even the bakery!

“Well, well, well look whose back,” she said with a sinister smile.

who's.

But she stopped me by getting in my way.

Come on, I know you can do better than "getting in my way".

Your not hurt and no one kidnapped you?”

you're.

My hand so bad!

... que?

“Can you move your figures?” he asked.

fingers.

Jacob William Thomas!”

Best last name ever, may I point out.

they’re fallowing Jacob too.

following.

[i]Shut up Hailey you’re just being paranoid.

comma after up.

“You seriously past up a opportunity to get rid of Zoe Miller?”

passed

Okay...

II. A LITTLE RULE

Just remember, commas before names.

"I know, Ben," she said.

And after:

"Ben, I know," she said.

See what I mean? And in between:

"Trust me, Ben, I know," she said.

So now you know!

III. PROOFREADING

I think that it's important you get into the habit of picking up your own silly mistakes- it'll only take you a few minutes to read over something and it can make a huge difference. Otherwise it can seem a bit sloppy and difficult to read...

IV. OVERALL

This wasn't bad, but I think you could have taken the chance to develop a bit more. You sometimes show Hailey's emotions really well, but other times we don't see them at all. Like the confrontation with Zoe- I would've liked to have seen more of her thought process there. Other than that, you seem to know your characters pretty well, and I don't have much else to say!

Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Gah! I'm late once again, and it seems as if all the nitpicking has been done. So far, I think your story is pretty good. The whole almost-breaking-her-hand thing is a lot like Twilight, I'm not sure if that's what this story is being based on (considering the appearances of the characters, and Jacob's name), but try not to let it copy too much. I would have also liked to have seen a little more with the confrontation between Zoe and Hailey. Overall, the piece was good. Well done!

Hi wookie, I’m here as asked, though a bit late I’m sure. I won’t bother with nitpicks because I see that the people who came before me definitely took care of things. I do want to touch on some main points.

Emotion
When you have a character, you need to remember to show emotion in their words, thoughts, and actions. Take for instance:

“Look Miller, get out of my way. Now,” I said with a harsh tone.

You really are only showing the emotion in the dialogue. But if instead you were to say:

“Look Miller, get out of my way. Now!” My fingers curled tightly, two fists forming at my side.

It uses her actions, in this case forming a fist, to express her anger.

Take a look at Rosey Unicorn’s article on Breathing emotions into scenes for some more examples on how to express character emotion.


Tenses
You need to be careful and make sure that if you start writing a story in present tense that you continue writing in present.

I started running again. I was pushing people out of my way. I didn’t even say sorry. I didn’t care. All I want to do is find Jacob. I run as fast as I can, but it’s not fast enough. I force my feet to run faster. As I approach the river I hear something loud and booming. I start running faster.

Here for instance, the bolded part is in past tense while the italicized part is in present. Always remember that past tense will have verbs ending in –ed or they will have the word ‘was’ right before the verb.

Repetition
As some people pointed out, there was some repetition in the first paragraph but there was another repetitive chunk that I found and wanted you to take note of.

As I approach the river I hear something loud and booming. I start running faster.
I get to the river, only to find Jacob there. He was throwing rocks across the river.

As you probably noticed here, the word ‘river comes up a few too many times for such a short span in the writing but it can be fixed. The first river should stay as it is, but the other two sentences can be altered.

As I approached the river, I heard something loud and booming. I start running faster.
I get to the craggy beach, only to find Jacob there, throwing rocks across the water.

So you see a difference? Just watch out when you’re writing so that things down sound repetitive. I would recommend reading this article for a better understanding of avoiding repetition.

Proofing

Stella is definitely right about making sure you take the time to proof read something before you submit it to the site. No, we don’t expect it to be completely error free but take the time to read it and see what mistakes you catch.

A good idea is to print off a copy of your article, take a highlighter and read it. Go through and mark the mistakes you’ve found and then, once you’ve highlighted all of these errors, go back to the computer and fix them.

Another way to check for errors is to read the story out loud. When you read a story to yourself, you’ll often read what you want to read and what you think the words say. But, if you read it out loud and slowly, you’ll be more likely to catch errors.

I hope some of this advice could be of some help. If you have any questions, PM me and I’d be happy to help.

~lilymoore

Hi, Wookie! Do you know who I am? Anyway, loved this story, don't worry I'm not like those mean people. You just missed a few commas, italics, normal things that anyone could mess up, although I wish you could write some more chapters to see what happens. By the way, I'll give you hints of my identity (these people never reveal themselves): I'm tall, short-haired, best friend of Nat and chats with you on Myspace. Send me a message if you know. Bye!