A Poem for You

Considering I haven't reviewed anything in ages...I really don't have a right to post this. Seeing as either way I will be posting it, I might as well do it now before I start becoming paranoid and change every little thing about it I don't like.
Oh, and "Rhyme scheme"? "Rhythm"? I know not of such crazy ideas.

This is something I should have spent more time on, because it's for someone very important to me.


Shaking, I grudgingly comply,
We’re alone, your words simultaneously
Strip me of any confidence I have
And ease my tumultuous thoughts.

I let loose the first note and wince,
The nerves shoot out along with it,
But still I continue, because I know,
I know you don’t mind the quavering.

I pause, for a second, a moment.
A verse or two remains. In the room, somewhere,
You gasp, “Go on!” or something of that nature,
I smile; your charm prevents me from objecting.

The volume increases, you whistle and clap,
My voice strengthens, echoes throughout the room.
No longer do I feel threatened, cautious –
Your image has the power to slow my heart,

And blend my emotions into something obscure…

The soft features you possess eloquently differ
From your deep, intense eyes…illuminated among
The crowd of others. I do not care for them -
With you alone I share my soul.

The last note dies; you spring from your seat
Approach me with excitement, while
Applause of the rest is unheard, unimportant.
We embrace, we kiss, and I take you away.

The curtain falls, concealing reality –
Distracting me for a second, only a second,
And holding you, I struggle to find words,
But it’s too late, you evaporate in my arms.

I awake, and hate myself for it.

An ocean away, you beckon me,
Nothing more do I desire than to see
Your smiling face, your alluring splendor.
A recurring, fantastical dream.

...why are there no breaks where there are different stanzas? Is this just my computer? This completely messes up the poem...

Oh my god James.....

That is possibly the sweetest thing I have ever read.
*sniffles and recovers*
it was just goregous! *stares at her own modest, uninteresting poetry*
I owe you a full constructive review when I'm off my iPod okay!
But remember, beau-ti-ful

Kamas

I really like your description, especially these lines;
"...your words simultaneously
Strip me of any confidence I have
And ease my tumultuous thoughts."
There's something kind of entrancing about your writing.

You should probably get rid of the chunk of writing at the beginning. It seems like the person the poem is about gives you confidence, but you're kind of degrading your writing before it has been read. Don't do that. In the end it is better to have something raw and rich than overthought and bland.

<Yoshi>

the review I owe you James.

*puts on shredding gloves*

Look above to remind yourself that this is a gorgeous poem.

OK to begin!

Shaking, I grudgingly comply,
We’re alone, your words simultaneously
Strip me of any confidence I have
And ease my tumultuous thoughts.

The last two lines contradict themselves. The person the narrator talks of degrades them and uplifts them at the same time? I think the narrator should talk more positive. But it could also work this way. It really depends on what you are trying to say.

I let loose the first note and wince,
The nerves shoot out along with it,
But still I continue, because I know,
I know you don’t mind the quavering.

In the last line I believe you should cut out the "I". It makes the flow work better.

I pause, for a second, a moment.
A verse or two remains. In the room, somewhere,
You gasp, “Go on!” or something of that nature,
I smile; your charm prevents me from objecting.

I don't like this part as much. It just too separated from the rhythm you have built up. But! I love the message you get across. Try to find something to replace the gasp though. Something alone the line of whisper. Put once again it's your choice.

The volume increases, you whistle and clap,
My voice strengthens, echoes throughout the room.
No longer do I feel threatened, cautious –
Your image has the power to slow my heart,
And blend my emotions into something obscure…

Get rid of the ellipsis at the end. It doesn't need to be there, you have finished your thought so its a period that is needed.

The soft features you possess eloquently differ
From your deep, intense eyes…illuminated among
The crowd of others. I do not care for them -
With you alone I share my soul.

Once again, the ellipsis is unnecessary just continue your thought.

(eyes illuminated among)

The last note dies; you spring from your seat
Approach me with excitement, while
Applause of the rest is unheard, unimportant.
We embrace, we kiss, and I take you away.

I can't find anything here.

The curtain falls, concealing reality –
Distracting me for a second, only a second,
And holding you, I struggle to find words,
But it’s too late, you evaporate in my arms.

My favourite parts this one and the one below! (lurv it)
It's just great.

I awake, and hate myself for it.

An ocean away, you beckon me,
Nothing more do I desire than to see
Your smiling face, your alluring splendor.
A recurring, fantastical dream.

Fix the space between that your computer caused. I really love this. So much. Amazing job James!

*snuggles and gives reward cookie*

Kamas

James! I'm speechless! that was BEAUTIFUL! :]

hmmmmm.....lovely twist at the end!

there is one thing though

The soft features you possess eloquently differ
From your deep, intense eyes…illuminated among
The crowd of others. I do not care for them -

this according to me seems a little chaotic

otherwise this is a good one!

Hey

I'm not sure I can hold myself together to write something decent here, not enough to tell you how this poem makes me feel anyway.

Wordless.


Izzy


ps.I'm not sure if I can wait to talk to you, I may develop some sort of crazed James addiction if this goes on for much longer...

not that hasn't already happened...

but to a scary stalker degree.

Haha! :] Glad to hear it, Izzy. =)

Thank you, all of you, for the feedback. It sincerely means a lot to me.

I love it.Wish I had your talent.

James,
Wow, this is awesome! I know I may not be great on critiquing, but still... You are an amazing poet, the poem left me speechless. The words all drew such a beautiful picture and it flowed so well. Great job!

James! I'm here with tissues now, thanks!

It was brilliant and true. It is beautiful. Sorry it took me this long to review it.

The beginning was so alluring. Everything that you said easily came alive,then the ending took my breath away. That was my favorite.

Sorry if I'm not making sense. PM me next time your posting something, please.

Awake

If this is something you didn't spend time on, I can't imagine how your other poetry sounds. This was amazing. Whoever you wrote this for must feel so special and awed. You did such an amazing job as describing everything. You never really said where you were, or what you were doing, but through your words it was clear, obvious. I am seriously dying of jealousy right now, I wish I could write like that. You have so much talent. Your poem got better as you went on, the beginning wasn't as good as the end, although it was still good. But, if you went through and reread the beginning, maybe added or took out a few words here and there- then your poem would be all but perfect. Sorry my review isn't the most helpful, but I'm kind of in awe right now, and I didn't catch anything that needs to be changed. Anyway, great job, keep writing!!!