Tied By Fate: Prologue + Chapter 1

This is a story I've been working on:) hope you enjoy. It's a fantasy/love.

In a world where corruption and deception lie at every corner a sixteen year old girl has to prove her innocence and fulfil her destiny along with five others. All of them did not know that they were all tied to fate by the same string.

Prologue

Ever since the beginning of time, the four elemental dragons: fire, water, earth, wind were the protectors of Teledrius. There was no conflict or chaos. Everything was peaceful.

But as all the kings of Teledruis’s greed for power became too strong to resist, the dragons were under threat. They were not safe on land or in the sky. Each kingdom wanted to control the four elements.

To leave the dragons with no home and nowhere to go forests were burnt, armies of guards were sent to volcanoes and lakes, sky patrols were seen in the skies.

Because of the evil of men, a new guardian was born. The void.

The void dragon was by far more powerful than any of the other four elements put together. Its power source and strength came from the wickedness of men’s hearts.

The void caused great chaos and destruction around the world. Kings and kingdoms tried their best to bring down the void but it was easier said than done. The kings begged the four dragon guardians to destroy the void but it was hopeless. The guardians were nothing compared to the void.

As Teledrius fell deeper and deeper into darkness the small hope of men slowly got smaller and smaller. In a last attempt to save Teledrius, the guardians joined their powers together not knowing what good it will do. They searched the hearts of men for what little hope there was and joined it into their combining power.

Another dragon was formed, the guardian of light. A furious battle was fought between the void and the light. Waves of light and darkness collided throughout Teledrius again and again without cease. But there was no lack or delay in power and strength of the two opponents.

Knowing that it would keep going on and on, the other four guardians agreed on sealing the dragon. Even though they knew that if they did this, they themselves would be sealed as well. Carrying the fate of the world on their hands they joined forces once more time. They concentrated all their power together with the power of light included. With one huge flash they pushed the power out towards the void.

The power enveloped the void and all the other dragons trapping them in the light. With one last roar the void disappeared along with the other 5 dragons. All that remained were six colored orbs; black, yellow, red, blue, green & white.

Over the next few centuries the orbs were scattered into different places and special guardians were born to guard the orbs. None succeeded in obtaining the orbs for only the true dragon guardians could touch the orbs.

Since none was able to get the orbs, they were soon forgotten. Dark magic was then seen to be evil and thus it was banned. Those who learnt it were either put under chains or in some circumstances sentenced to death.

Men’s greed for power came back and soon wars were raged between kingdoms. It was at this time that the son of the king of Coranthea which was the most powerful and central part of Teledrius fell in love with a girl called Ilini. She was no ordinary girl though, she was a dark mage.

The prince did not know this so he married her as he loved her so. They had a baby girl. She was called Raina. However, when Raina was five months old the prince discovered Ilini’s secret. It seemed that the prince thought Illini was having an affair with someone else behind his back so he had someone follow his wife and thus he found out about her secret.

Following the law, he had no choice but to ban her from the kingdom. He requested that she leave Raina behind. Ilini did not listen and ran away with Raina. The prince sent guards to chase after her but once she entered Histern Forest they could not go any further for it was rumored to be swarming with monsters.

Ilini ran deep into the forest not caring about her surroundings and settled in a cave. She could hear the monsters snarling and growling outside. She lit a fire to protect herself and Raina against monsters. The light from the fire lit up the entire cave. Her

She took the small black diamond ring that Prince Silas had given her, on her finger. She broke off the diamond and threw the ring into the fire. Silas had told her that the ring was founded by the dwarves from a black orb. The dwarves did not know what to do with the orb so they chipped a bit off and forged a diamond from it but after the diamond was complete the orb had mysteriously disappeared. They have not been able to find any trace of it since.

Mastering all her magic Ilini focused her mind and transferred it all into the small diamond. She could feel her strength wavering as the small diamond rose into the air and vibrated.

Weakly she took the sleeping baby into her arms and placed the small diamond in the centre of Raina’s forehead. Staring into the fire, a small flame came out of the fire into midair. She moved the flame with her eyes and set it on Raina’s forehead. The little baby woke up and shrieked.

Illini swayed the baby from side to side as the flame subsided and her strength slowly came back. The area around the diamond was glowing a pink red then the diamond sunk into the baby’s forehead just showing the surface of the diamond. Waves of invisible dark energy passed out from the diamond and surrounded the baby who had stopped crying.

“You will no more be called Raina: of noble birth. Your name will now be…Laila: a dark flower of the night.”

The small diamond on the baby’s forehead started to glow.


Thanx for all the advice! I'll work on description. My grammar really sucks and I mean really sucks that's why I'm in standard english But I'm grateful for your help!

mipanda19 wrote:
In a world where corruption and deception lie at every corner a 16 year old girl has to prove her innocence and fulfil her destiny along with 5 others. All of them did not know that they were all tied to fate by the same string.

Prologue

Ever since the beginning of time, the 4 elemental dragons: fire, water, earth, wind were the protectors of Avalon. There was no conflict or chaos. Everything was peaceful.

But as all the kings of Avalon's greed for power became too strong to resist, the dragons were under threat. They were not safe on land nor in the sky. Each kingdom wanted to control the four elements.

(I feel like something needs to be added here)To leave the dragons with no home and nowhere to go forests were burnt, armies of guards were sent to volcanoes and lakes, sky patrols were seen in the skies. Because of the evil of men, a new guardian was born. The void.

The void dragon was by far more powerful than any of the other 4 elements put together. Its power source and strength came from the wickedness of men’s hearts.

The void caused great chaos and destruction around the world. Kings and kingdoms tried their best to bring down the void but it was easier said than done. The kings begged the 4 dragon guardians to destroy the void but it was hopeless. The 4 elemental this doesn't need to be here. You made it clear that you're discussing the 4 elementals. guardians were nothing compared to the void.

As Avalon fell deeper and deeper into darkness the small hope of men slowly grew smaller and smaller. In a last attempt to save Avalon, the 4 elemental Again this isn't necessary. By now we know there are 4 of them. guardians joined their powers together not knowing what good it will do. They searched the hearts of men for what little hope there was and joined it into their combining power.

Another dragon was formed, the guardian of light. A furious battle was fought between the void and the light. Waves of light and darkness collided throughout Avalon again and again never ceasing. But there was no lack or delay in power and strength of the two opponents. [i]Originally you had 'guardians' where I rewrote 'opponents', i think it just makes more sense.

Knowing that it was going to just keep going on and on the other 4 guardians could only agree on sealing the dragon away but they knew that if they did this they themselves would be sealed as well. Carrying the fate of the world on their hands they joined forces once more. They concentrated all their power together againNot really necessary. with the power of light included and with one huge flash they pushed the power out towards the void.

.............

The prince did not know this so he married her as he loved her so. They had a baby girl together. She was called Raina. However, when Raina was 5 months old the prince discovered Ilini’s secret.It seemed that the prince thought Illini was having an affair with someone else behind his back so he had someone follow his wife and thus he found out about her secret.

Following the law, he had no choice but to ban her from the kingdom. He requested that she leave Raina behind. Ilini did not listen and ran away with Raina. The prince sent guards to chase after her but once she entered Histern Forest they could not go any further for it was rumored to be swarming with monsters.

Ilini ran deep into the forest not caring about her surroundings and settled in a cave. She could hear the monsters snarling and growling outside. She lit a fire to protect herself and Raina against monsters.

.............

Illini swayed the baby from side to side as the flame subsided. The area around the diamond was glowing a pink red then the diamond sunk into her forehead just showing the surface of the diamond. Waves of invisible dark energy passed out from the diamond and surrounded the baby who had stopped crying. This part was interesting. Nice detail.

“You will no more be called Raina: of noble birth. Your name will now be…Laila: a dark flower of the night.”

The small diamond on the baby’s forehead started to glow. [/i]

All that is bolded is what I've changed , needs to be changed, or what I think needs to be brought to atttention.

Overall, I liked this story, and the main idea seems very interesting. I wasentertained and can't wait for more!

**Mo**

hello..this is a very interesting story..i love the forest part and the diamond thing the most..it was the most vivid scene for me..the background on the war is also good..

i'm no expert but these are some stuffs i noticed while reading..

But as all the kings of Avalon greed for power became too strong to resist, the dragons were under threat.
~i'd go for: But when all the kings of Avalon's greed for power became too strong to resist...

To leave the dragons with no home and nowhere to go forests were burnt, armies of guards were sent to volcanoes and lakes, sky patrols were seen in the skies.
~thy splitting this..they can go as separate sentences or maybe use a semicolon between the last two premises..

As Avalon fell deeper and deeper into darkness the small hope of men slowly got smaller and smaller.
~i think you should look for an alternative word for smaller

They searched the hearts of men for what little hope there is...
~i'd go for "was" than "is"

...Avalon again and again not ceasing.
~"not ceasing" to "without cease"

Knowing that it was going to just keep going on and on the other 4 guardians could only agree on sealing the dragon but they knew that if they did this they themselves would be sealed as well.
~try this one: Knowing that it would keep going on and on, the other 4 guardians agreed on sealing the dragon. Even though they knew that if they did this, they themselves...

They concentrated all their power together again with the power of light included and with one huge flash they pushed the power out towards the void.
~i think you should remove "again"..and separate this to two sentences

They had a baby girl together.
~i think you can drop "together"

Taking the small black diamond ring on her finger that Prince Silas had given her she broke off the diamond and threw the ring into the fire.
~She took the small black diamond ring, that Prince Silas had given her, on her finger. She broke of the diamond...

Silas had told her that the ring was founded by the dwarves from a black orb.
~ i think the spelling should be dwarfs..

...after the diamond was complete..
~"completed"


i'd want to know what would happen to Illini and most specially Raina..i enjoyed reading this one..hope to read more..

Wow. Jan and In The Moonlight have covered pretty much all the specific stuff I was going to say. Yay! (It's almost one a.m. and I'm glad for that weight off my shoulders. It's so tedious trying to remember what you thought needed work, then trying to find the sentence, and quoting them.... yeah. Like I said, one a.m., I'm prone to rants. Sorry, sorry!). I still have a few critiques for you (relatively painless, so don't worry!).

First off, you use actual numbers a lot (everytime, actually) instead of writing out the number. This really annoys me, I'm not exactly sure why; it's always been a pet peeve of mine. I think it looks much more professional, or at least cleaner, if numbers are written out.

She had just turned 16, the 7th in her family to become of age. She had 6 older siblings and 2 younger ones.

She had just turned sixteen, the seventh in her family to become of age. She had six older siblings and two younger ones.

See how much prettier the second one is?

The only exceptions to this should be 1. time (It was 4 o' clock) 2. Century names (in 1578) ... I think this one is obvious though 3. and loooong years (he lived to be 7000 years old!).

I know writing out numbers takes more time, especially if you're a slow typer, but I would seriously consider training yourself to automatically do it. Trust me- people won't notice that you've been writing out the numbers, but they do notice when you don't. Little things can have big affects.

Secondly (and last) is description. You have an awesome idea and plot already in this story, but you wimp out on good, detailed description. Do not be afraid to describe a scene, item, event, or etc, especially if it is important. When Ilini lights the fire in the cave, explain how the light bounces off the cave walls and makes intimidating shadows. When Ilini transfers her magic into a diamond, describe. This must take effort! How does she feel? Does it hurt? Does the diamond glow with the newly given magic?

It's really hard to help an author with description, because you can't simply go "oh, perhaps you could change this sentence to this, and that adjective could be replaced..." etc. You have to get a feel for it yourself, through different experiments and exploring. I know a lot of people prefer dialogue, action, or plot-movement over description, but you really can't skip it, especially in fantasy works. Without the small details of the places and scenes, the world you're trying to create will quickly fall apart. Don't be afraid to rant on about the pattern tiles on the floor. You can edit and erase anything you wrote and make it less boring, but it gives you a feel and exact knowledge of your character's surroundings, and you can better immerse them, and therefore your reader, into the story and scene.

I'm sorry that turned into a rant. I'm dead tired right now- some of what I said might not even make sense. I'm really sorry if that's the case- I'll reread this tomorrow and probably fix anything that looks like "fnkjentvhiu 4lh 4u reh kler".

Overall, great story, great plot, a pretty good background/well thought out history (which is always a good thing). I hope my criticism helped!

Keep writing!

.Doctor

1. Old Acquaintances

“Dad, what exactly are we hunting that we have to come into this forest?”

Tristan turned to his father who was beside him. They were walking in a secluded forest. The gates of the castle were well behind them.

“Oh we’re not hunting. I brought you along today Tristan, for you to get a feel of how to do close combat.”

“C-Close combat?” Tristan said stopping as he tugged at his dad’s hand. His dad turned around and smiled at Tristan.

“Don’t worry, you won’t have to do it. Daddy will show you. All you have to do is just watch.”

Tristan breathed a sigh of relief. He hated combating. He was no good at it. Having a general as a father doesn’t really help either. His parents gave him a choice whether to learn or not to learn. He chose not to learn. But then recently for some reason the monsters have been getting more and more violent and there were not enough fighters and warriors so his father had no choice but to teach Tristan how to combat. If I had a choice I would learn magic any day. Suddenly a low growl could be heard. Tristan and his father looked around at the trees and saw nothing. Tristan’s heart skipped and he clutched his father’s hand more tightly.

“Calm down Tristan. A warrior does not fear his enemy no matter who or what it might be.” His dad said but still looking around anxiously.

“Come out, you foul creature! Show us your ugly face!”

Tristan looked at his dad in shock.

“Dad, maybe it’s not a good idea to mock the creature.”

His dad scoffed. “They’re dumb creatures. They can’t understand a word we say. All that’s in their mind is what am I going to have for dinner?” All of a sudden out of the trees appeared a two headed werewolf. It bared its teeth as it charged towards the two people. It caught Tristan’s dad off guard who fell on the floor.

“Run Tristan! Just run!” His dad shouted as he fumbled to pull out his sword. The werewolf looked menacingly at him. Tristan, mustering all the strength he could get turned around and ran. He could hear the growl of the werewolf. Oh no! It’s going to come chasing after me soon.

“Oh no, you don’t! Get your ugly ass back here!”

Tristan could hear his dad shouting and a loud thud. Tristan froze as he heard the sound. He turned around and was about to run back when he heard footsteps. It got my father and now it wants me too! Without second thoughts he kept running. Where is the castle!? Tristan kept running in and out between trees but he could not find any sign of the castle of an exit out of the forest. The footsteps were coming closer and the trees were getting thicker. Tristan took a quick glance back and saw a flash of something to his left and the werewolf to his right. There are more of them? As he turned back he tripped over a branch and toppled over. He quickly turned around and could hear the low snarl of the werewolf. He quickly shuffled backwards until his back hit a tree. The werewolf slowly approached from the trees and walked slowly to Tristan. It thundered above him. Why is it not just coming to eat me right away? Suddenly an arrow shot past the werewolf and landed on the tree above Tristan’s head. Tristan looked up wide eyed at the arrow. T-that could’ve killed me. He then fainted on the ground. But he could see with barely open eyes that the werewolf ran away and a girl around his age appeared. Then all was dark.

[[*]]

“Mum, will he be alright?” the young girl asked as she stood next to her mother who was tending to the young boy. This is the first time I’ve seen someone else my age. He looks quite interesting... Her mum smiled.

“Don’t worry, Laila. He’ll be fine.” Her mum reassured her. A low groan was heard from the other side of the room. Both mum and daughter turned to see the general slowly waking up.

“My head…” the general put a hand to his head as he felt the swollenness.

“You hit it when you fell on the floor.” Laila’s mum said as she stood up and walked over to the general. The general’s eyes widened when he saw her.

“Princess Illini?”

The woman froze when she heard the name. Laila looked around the room.

Princess? Where? I don’t see anyone…Could this man have hit his head too hard?

“Princess, I have finally found you. At long last!” the general said dropping to his knees in front of her. “You have no idea how hard and long I’ve been trying to find you. King Silas-”

“General, you must have recognized the wrong person. My name’s not Illini, it’s Karlyn. May I so boldly as to ask what you were doing in this forest?” Karlyn said as she helped the general onto his feet giving him a small shake of her head. Laila looked puzzled. He was addressing mum? But how can that be?

“I...I came to teach my son about close combat.” The general said, scratching his head.

“Close combat? In this forest?”

The general nodded then his eyes fell on Laila and Tristan.

“Tristan!” the general ran to the boy’s side.

“What happened to him?”

“He fainted but he’s alright. Just let him sleep. Perhaps we should have a little talk outside. Laila, keep an eye on the boy.” Karlyn instructed Laila as she walked out the cave.

The general looked at Laila who smiled at him then followed Karlyn out.



looking forward to your comments

Well first off the plot is very enthralling. What I cannot understand is why you called the land Avalon. Is this based on Arthurian legend? Beware of Arthurian names such as Avalon because they brand your story from the moment you first mention them.

Character-wise, it seems pretty stereotypical until now. So in future chapters spice the characters up a bit, give some of the good guys a dark streak, have an anti-hero or something because until now they are just typical Fantasy book characters with nothing special about them to be remembered/loved or to sympathise with.

Now I find a huge lacking factor here. Your descriptions. It was mentioned before but you give too many facts and details. Stop a moment to describe such events and facts. Until now the prologue and the first chapter have been way too plot heavy and as a result, way too short. If this is meant to be a novel you simply must include description and lengthy ones at that.

Otherwise the plot seems reasonably entertaining for now, but beware of being too typical and predictable because readers will hate that.

Hopefully I have been of some help. Take care now
-TC

I think you have a great story plot! It catches your attention right away and is interesting to read. Just a couple of suggestions, though-

In your prologue, i think you should have a bit of separation between the tale of the dragons and when you start talking about the prince. To me it was confusing going from telling of the past to what was actually taking place. Your way of telling about the dragons was great, though!

I did notice in your first chapter that you use 'close combat' or just plain combat a lot. It sounds better if you use other variations as well- maybe fight, or swordsmanship (or whatever weapon your characters use), or 'close-quarter combat', just something to mix it up a bit.

"His parents gave him a choice whether to learn or not to learn. He chose not to learn."

It would flow better if you took out the last learn and just had, "He chose not to."

He then fainted on the ground. But he could see with barely open eyes that the werewolf ran away and a girl around his age appeared.

I get what you're trying to say here, but it doesn't flow too well. You say he faints, and then you talk about what he's seeing, which is difficult to imagine. Maybe you can show symptoms first- he gets light-headed or something to show he's losing it, then tell about seeing the werewolf and the girl, then have him collapse in a faint or whatever you want to say about it.

I do like how you chose to introduce new characters at the start of the first chapter, after readers are already hooked on what you started in your prologue. By the time you bring both sets of characters together we're already sucked into the story. Good luck, and hope i helped!

Just a little pointer, but it tends to be easier on the reviewers if you post each chapter in its own thread, insead of constantly updating the same one.

I'm just going to look at the prologue for now, and get to chapter one later (that is, when I have time). I'm not going to get terribly in depth or do my usual line-by-line slicing and dicing, because it's not individual lines that are the issue here--it's the prologue itself.

Quite simply, this prologue is an info-dump. It's all backstory, and reads almost like a history textbook: "This happened, then this, then that...", with no sense of an immediacy. Good writing centers around characters; your story has no main characters until the bit with the prince and Illini. Ask yourself, is all this information really necessary? Maybe it is, but should it all be revealed at the beginning, in one ungraceful dump? Much of this can be scrapped and instead incorporated piece by piece, on a need-to-know basis, into the actual story. In particular, the backstory bit with Illini and the prince I can easily see as a very emotional reveal mid-story for the protagonist (I'm acting under the assumption that Laila is indeed the protagonist, I haven't read the first chapter yet so I don't quite know). Put in the beginning, however, and conveyed in such a history-lesson tone, it doesn't have as much impact.

There are also a few plot elements I'd like to go into, that don't make sense to me, or else seem rather stereotypical:

1) The elements. The four elements (plus light and darkness), have been done to death already in fantasy fiction, and you will be hard pressed to give them an original treatment. There's more "elements" you can find in the world besides just "water, fire, earth, air" (and light and darkness), and I don't mean chemical elements too (though chemistry dragons duking it out, I'd pay to see. Would they combine in chemical reactions as well? Two hydrogen dragons plus one oxygen dragon = poof, water dragon! Sorry...me going on a nerd tangent here...>_>). What about the five Chinese elements? Or id/ego/superego? Or the four cardinal directions? Etcetera, etcetera. Look beyond the narrow bounds of elements for something more original and compelling. You may be talented enough to pull off water/fire/earth/air in a refreshing way, but all the same it's better to give us something that's never (or at least rarely) been seen before.

2) The dragons. Just a question: do they have to be dragons? Again, this goes into originality and such. Dragons have been done to death in fantasy, which is a shame because there's quite a few other fantastical and mythical creatures out there for which compelling stories can be told (though I doubt anyone will be writing a "Kraken riders" story anytime soon...pity). Or, better yet, think of giving every element a different creature. One can be a dragon, another a phoenix, that sort of thing.

3) Light versus darkness. Now, this is more a personal pet peeve of mine, so feel free to ignore me, but all the same, the light vs. darkness aesthetic is a well-trodden one in fantasy. What I have to ask is what makes the dark inherently evil? Light and darkness are both necessary for life; imagine what would happen if the sun shone all day (which is in fact somewhat the subject of Isaac Asimov's brilliant "Nightfall", but now I'm getting sidetracked again...). You seem to question the aesthetic slightly, too, at least in your treatment of dark mages. Which is what I'm getting to next.

4) Dark mages. Now, in the first part of the prologue, dark (or "the void") is presented as a horrendous evil which the good dragons must struggle against (I do find it quite amusing how the king turns to them for help after trying to subjugate them for so long...way to be humbled XD). Yet in the second part, you speak of the persecution of dark mages as a terrible thing, and our protagonist is apparently a dark mage as well. So now I'm confused, unless "the void" and darkness are not the same thing (which just confuses matters further...).

Lastly, I'm wondering about the logic of the dragons' sudden decision to seal the dark dragon. If they already could do that, why didn't they do that in the first place? Maybe I'm not reading carefully enough, though...but that's the way it's coming across. In fact, a lot of what's happening strikes me as unnecessary and a tad contradictory. Such as the bit about guardians being born for the orbs, yet they can't touch the orbs? Some clarification is in order here.

All right, I know I'm coming across like I hated this, but honestly, I didn't. ^^ I detected a noticeable jump in quality when you narrowed your focus to the story of Illini and the prince. Despite the detached, somewhat historical tone you were using, I found myself caring for her, and her daughter. I have a thing for tales of lovers torn apart because duty is stronger than love, so I immediately latched on to the story of Illini and the prince. I believe that if you make their story a backstory that Laila doesn't discover until later, it will be all the more emotional. But already, I find myself caring for her. And that's important, getting the reader to invest themselves into the MC's fate. That's what gets readers to keep on turning the pages. Not tales of dragons fighting and darkness and light, but tales of people. Of a main character overcoming near-insurmountable obstacles.

I'll be back with the review of chapter one ASAP. ^^ Meanwhile, keep on working, and PM me if you have any questions/comments/concerns.

Ooh interesting! A very good beginning, I hope to read more of this...