Once Upon a Time Part 2

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Once Upon a Time
Part~2

Eighteen short years later, we find Nadia and her two best friends Layia, a Taylor, and Healer’s daughter, and Tenia, daughter of the Inn keeper’s, sitting hidden in a large oak tree. Nadia, against her Aunts wishes, had found out her true identity on her thirteenth birthday in a mysterious letter from an unknown stranger. Ever since then she’d had numerous visits from her Aunt to keep her ‘in her place’. But no matter how mean her Aunt was, nothing could keep Nadia from growing into the beautiful Princess she was or stop her from living her life to the fullest.

Earlier that year the queen had sent out a proclamation to the surrounding Kingdoms, declaring that her daughter, Princess Ilona, would marry within the year. She offered for any and all Princes to come and court her daughter. Since then the roads in and out of the Kingdom of Guilloche had been streaming with traffic. Princes from near and far came to win over the beautiful princess, and make an allegiance through marriage that would guarantee no future wars with the powerful Kingdom of Guilloche.

Nadia and her friends had staked out a tree along the main road where they were well hidden from curious eyes and could see every single handsome Prince as he road by on his way to the castle. They visited that tree every time they caught wind that a new Prince was on his way to visit Ilona, to dream of a life they knew they would never live.

“This is the third Prince this month.” Layia whispered, gazing dreamily through the leaves as he rode by on a midnight black steed. Her golden streaked, brown hair shining in places where the afternoon sun penetrated through the thick leaves. Her purple, cat like eyes missed nothing as the unaware Prince rode on.
“She’s sure picky,” Tenia replied, “I would’ve fallen for the first Prince that came to court her.” This statement made the threesome laugh quietly. Tenia, absent mindedly twisted her long red hair around her slim finger, her green eyes glowing as she watched the Prince.
“Yeah, that was twenty Princes ago,” Layia answered, shaking her head disapprovingly.
“Girls, looks aren’t everything.” Nadia mentioned, breaking her silence as she pried her gaze away from the Prince and faced her friends. Her fair features were vastly contrasted against her plain attire, strands of pale blond hair escaped a tight bun to frame her face and show off her equally pale blue eyes.
“Yeah, I’m sure Ilona’s making sure to get the richest catch she possibly can.” Layia replied sarcastically. “Geez Nadia, I highly doubt Ilona cares about money, she has more than most Kingdoms own.”
“I wasn’t talking about money, I was thinking about their attitudes, the way they treat people, and how they run a Kingdom. Also how could you marry someone you don’t love?” Nadia asked seriously.
“Honestly Nadia, If any one of those Princes asked you to marry them, would you tell them no?” Tenia asked rebukingly.
“Yes.” Nadia replied decisively.
“I’d love to see that.” Tenia muttered, rolling her eyes.

“What the heck,” Layia gasped in amazement. “Girls come check this out.” Layia said excitedly, motioning her arguing friends to come join her on the branch where she was sitting.

Gazing through the thick canopy of leaves, the girls watched as a lone rider came charging down the road on a palomino stallion.
“He’s definitely a Prince,” Nadia whispered. “He has the armor of one and a horse to boot.”
“Yeah, but how come we never knew he was here? No one’s mentioned anything about a new Prince coming at the Inn, and someone would have seen him coming on the Main road.” Tenia asked.
“The only other way he could have come was the North passage, but that way’s been blocked for the past seventeen years because of the war.” Layia contemplated.
“Wait, maybe he’s the Prince from the Kingdom of Laicize. Maybe he’s here to marry the Princess and stop the war between our countries.” Nadia speculated excitedly.
“You mean maybe he was, 'cause if you ask me it looks like he’s leaving as fast as he can in the opposite direction.” Tenia pointed out.

The girls watched eagerly as the unknown Prince drew closer, leaning out as far a they possibly could to try and catch a glimpse of the rider.

In the next instant, a loud crack rent the air. The branch under the three friends, having held up for as long as it could under their weight, gave way, sending all three girls tumbling to the earth right into the middle of the road.

The sudden commotion sent the Prince’s horse into a panicked charge. Tenia and Layia, seeing the danger headed straight for them and assuming their friend was close behind, took off as fast as they could towards the village.

Nadia, attempting to follow her friends realized her leg was caught under the branch. Turning in an awkward position, Nadia pushed the branch with all her might but it refused to budge.

The horse was almost on top of her now and Nadia was hopelessly trapped. Covering her head with her arms she made herself as small as possible, hoping a miracle would occur and she wouldn’t be trampled to death.

The methodical rhythm of the horses hooves coming ever closer pounded a death chant in Nadia’s ears. When she was sure they were going to come crashing down on her head, the noise came to a sudden halt.

Glancing up Nadia gasped as she found a sweat soaked horse standing next to her, it’s hooves only a few inches away from where she lay in the dust. Looking up further Nadia’s eyes met with the Princes own light blue eyes, a very surprised look in them. His eyes were all she could see of him, his armor hiding the rest of his features.
“What the heck do you think you’re doing?!” The Prince demanded, his expression changing to one of anger. “You could have been killed if Artamus hadn’t stopped in time! Why didn’t you run away like your two obviously smarter friends?”
“I couldn’t,” Nadia replied shakily, her voice a whisper. “I’m stuck.”
“What? Speak up I can’t hear you when you mumble.” The Prince said, obviously shaken from nearly killing someone.

Angered by his tone, Nadia glared at him. “I said, I can’t move, I’m stuck under this branch.” She replied through clenched teeth.
“Oh, my apologies.” Throwing his leg over his horse the Prince dismounted easily. Removing his metal helmet, he placed it under his arm and headed towards Nadia.

Nadia, thoroughly embarrassed and humiliated, watched in awe as the most handsome man she’d ever laid eye’s on came over to her side. He had midnight black hair, and fair features. A crystal drop hung from his left earlobe and an old scar ran along his left cheekbone, giving him the air of a warrior.

Crouching down next to her, the Prince set his helmet on the ground and reaching past her grabbed the branch. Muscles straining the Prince lifted the branch just enough for Nadia to pull her leg out from under it.

Dusting off her old skirt Nadia tried to rise, but as she put weight on her leg she felt immense pain shoot up it. Crying out Nadia collapsed in a heap, biting her lip to stop herself from crying.
“What’s wrong?” The Prince asked worriedly, kneeling at her side.
“My leg, I think it might be broken.” Nadia replied, no longer able to contain them, tears began cascading down her face. The numbness from her fright was now wearing off and the pain she felt in her leg was excruciating.
“Here I’ll give you a ride back into the village.” The Prince offered.
Not waiting for an answer the Prince picked her up like she weighed nothing and placed her behind his finely crafted saddle.

Trying not to let the Prince see her blush, Nadia waited as he remounted his horse and shyly reached her arms around him so as not to fall off.

Nadia let out a squeak as the Prince nudged his horse forward, jostling her leg.
“Are you ok?” The Prince asked hurriedly.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Nadia lied, concentrating on keeping herself from screaming at the pain as her leg moved with every step the horse took.

“ I guess I should introduced myself, I’m Rijn, Prince of the Kingdom of Laicize.” The Prince said, glancing slightly over his shoulder. “And you are?”
“I’m Nadia.” She replied, facing away so he wouldn’t see her face turn an even deeper shade of pink.
“Nadia,” Rijn speculated thoughtfully. “That’s a pretty name.”
“Thanks.” was all Nadia could manage between the butterflies in her stomach and the pain in her leg.
“So, how are you related to the royals?” Rijn asked, making Nadia freeze in terror.
“What are you talking about? I’m not related to any royalty.” Nadia replied, a little too much force in her voice.
“OK, sorry for asking miss touchy. It’s just that your features are very similar to the Queens and Princesses, and I thought. . . “
“Yeah, well you thought wrong.” Nadia interrupted, hating that she had to lie about her true self.
“Geez, I said I was sorry, can’t you just drop it?” Rijn asked, a little perplexed at why she was so upset.
“Sorry.” Nadia muttered.

Realizing she had ruined her perfect rescue Nadia changed the subject.
“What were you doing at the castle anyway?”
“Well it’s not really any of your business what I was doing there, but seeing as your only a peasant I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you.”

Nadia, hurt that he’d called her ‘just a peasant’ felt like throwing herself under the horses hooves, but refrained from doing so as she was curious to know his story.

“I was sent to the castle by my Father two weeks ago. He asked that I see the Queen on an urgent matter about ending the pointless war between our two Kingdoms. When I got there the Queen told me that the only way to end this war was to marry her daughter, Princess Ilona. I contacted my Father through my scrying glass and told him what the Queen had offered. He told me that he would do anything to stop this war and to go ahead and marry the Princess.

I started courting her, but by the second day I was already dreading our next meeting. That girl is nothing but a spoiled brat, and I would rather die fighting a war than marry her. I stayed at my Father’s wishes but today the Princess tried to force me to kiss her, and that was the last straw.

I told the Queen I would never marry her daughter and she got really mad. She told me I would stay in this land until my people won the war, or unless I decided to change my mind. I left, but still I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

“That must be horrible for you.” Nadia said, unsympathetically.
“Now what did I do?” Rijn asked, totally confused.
“It doesn’t matter, we’re almost to the village anyhow and you can rid yourself of me there.” Nadia replied haughtily.
“Sheesh, talk about temperamental, I honestly have no idea why your mad at me.” Rijn answered, baffled by Nadia’s anger.

Focusing her eyes past Rijn’s shoulder, Nadia saw the small village where she had spent her whole life. It was a rather shabby little town, but it was all she knew. There were rows of houses leading to a center square, home to an ancient fountain, surrounded by the few shops the town had to offer.

The town was sleepy today, and hardly anyone was out on the streets. The only sound was Artamus’s hooves falling on the broken cobblestones.

“Where would you like me to drop you off?” Rijn asked, breaking the silence.
“At my friends house please. It’s just a few houses down.” Nadia replied, watching the sluggish water fall from the fountain as they passed by.
“Here?” Rijn asked pointing at a simple house next to the Taylor’s shop. It was a one story building painted a simple cream color. A single flower bed filled with beautiful flowers, under the window was it’s only grandeur.
“Yes, this is the place.” Nadia answered, hoping Layia had made it home by now.

Dismounting from his horse, Rijn reached back up and gently picked her up, being extra careful not to bump her injured leg. Heading for the door, Nadia saw a surprised face disappearing behind the curtain in the window. The next second the door flew open to reveal Layia standing there, eyes wide with astonishment and wonder.
“Nadia?” Layia asked dumbly, not taking her eyes off the Prince for a second.
“Yes you dolt, now can you move aside so we can come in.” Nadia replied anxiously, hoping no one else had seen her.

Moving out of the way, Layia gestured for Rijn to follow her, leading the way to the Taylor’s small living-room. The room was sparsely furnished, with an old couch in one corner, and some shelves against the walls, containing an assortment of different objects. Going over to the sagging brown couch, Rijn placed Nadia gently on it, making sure to keep her leg still.
“Thank you Prince Rijn,” Nadia said curtly, still put off from his earlier statement. “I will no longer require your assistants, you may leave now.”
“As you wish, Princess Nadia.” Rijn replied, bowing eloquently a smile playing across his handsome features.
Nadia stiffened at the joke but let it go, she knew he wasn’t trying to be mean.

Turning to go, Rijn dipped his head in farewell to Layia, and headed for the door. Layia gave Nadia a look to tell her she was crazy to let such a catch get away so easily. Nadia just shrugged.

Stopping in the doorway, Rijn turned back to the girls, a sheepish expression on his face.
“Do either of you know of a place where I might spend the night?”
Nadia rolled her eyes. “Not in this town, everything here is hardly good enough for a peasant.”

Finally realizing why Nadia was so upset Rijn gave an exasperated sigh. “Look, I’m sorry I called you a peasant OK. I don’t mind what the place is like, I just would like a roof over my head, and a somewhat descent place to sleep. Is that too much to ask?”
“Yep.” both girls replied in unison, making them laugh. Rijn looked on in total bafflement, he’d never understand what went through a girls mind.
“I’m joking,” Layia replied after she’d regained her poseur. “There’s a relatively nice Inn at one of the corners of the square. It’s the biggest building there so you can’t miss it. It’s not that bad if you don’t mind all of the drunks that come through there.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it.” Rijn replied, giving a final farewell salute and disappearing around the doorway.

“Nadia!” Layia exclaimed. “You have to tell me everything that happened since I last saw you. Why were in that Princes arms and why did you just let him walk away? Tenia and I were really worried about you after you disappeared, but when we came back to look for you, you were gone. We just assumed that you went back to town a different way.”
“I’ll tell you everything later, but right now I need you to go and get your Mom.” Nadia whispered, only half listening to her friend as the pain in her leg over whelmed her.

Layia watched in horror as her friends eyes rolled back in her head and she went completely limp.

Making sure that her friend was still breathing first, Layia took off at a run. Going out the door, Layia dashed across the street and into her mother’s office. Stopping hurriedly in front of a startled desk clerk, Layia tried to catch her breath.
“Is my Mom in?” Layia asked, still breathing hard her heart pounding wildly as she prayed that Nadia wasn’t dying.
The desk clerk nodded, “Yes, she’s here, but you’ll have to wait until she finished. She’s with a client right now.

Ignoring the women, Layia ran past the counter and into the back room where her mother treated patients. She came to an abrupt halt as her eyes met her mother’s equally purple ones. Brooke looked murderously down at her daughter. “How many times do I have to tell you not to come in here when I’m with a patient?” Brooke said slowly, pronouncing each word slowly with deadly venom.
“I know Mom, but it’s an emergency.” Layia explained, hoping her mother would understand.
“It doesn’t matter, whatever it is can wait until I’m finished treating my patient.”
“But Mom. . .”
“But nothing.” Brooke interrupted, “Now leave my office before I’m forced to remove you myself.”
“I think Nadia’s dying!” Layia shouted, tears filling her eyes as her mother grabbed her arm.
“What!” Brooke asked, a little shocked. “What happened? Why is she dying?” Brooke questioned her daughter, her grip tightening on her arm.

Brooke and Layia were the only two other people who knew her secret. Not even Tenia knew. Brooke had been asked by Aurelia personally to take care of the dethroned princess, and make sure no harm came to her.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but you have to come before it’s too late.” Layia sobbed, hating her mother for being so difficult.

Turning to the young man sitting on the examination table, Brooke gave him an apologetic smile.
“I’m really sorry for all that, but I finished your examination and found nothing wrong with you. You should just go home and get some rest, if you don’t feel better in the morning, come back and I’ll see what I can do. OK?” Brooke said distractedly, hurriedly going around the room and placing things in her medical bag.
The boy just nodded, giving a sigh of relief as he eyed the full needle’s, Brooke had set down when her daughter had burst in.

Satisfied she had all she needed, Brooke herded both her daughter and patient out the door. Giving the desk clerk a brisk nod, Brooke and Layia rushed out the door and back across the street to where Nadia lay unconscious.

Brooke set her bag next to the couch and assessed the situation. Kneeling next to Nadia Brooke quickly realized what had happened. Facing her daughter, Brooke sighed in relief as she realized that Nadia was in no dire danger.
“Well, I wouldn’t exactly say Nadia was dying, but I don’t blame you for freaking out. I’m sure Nadia was in a lot of pain, judging by the angle of her leg.” Brooke explained, pointing to the awkward position Nadia’s leg was in.
“So she just has a broken leg?” Layia questioned. “The way she was acting, I thought she was dying.”
“She was just fainting from the pain and shock. Do have any idea how that would have happened?” Brooke asked, turning back to Nadia.

Going through the events of earlier that day in her head, Layia had a pretty good idea what had happened.
“I think she might have broken it when she fell out of a tree.” Layia offered, watching as her mother carefully moved Nadia’s leg so it was straight.
“I’m not even going to ask what she was doing in a tree.” Brooke muttered, rolling her eyes at the antics of her almost grown daughter, and her friends.
Placing her hands over Nadia’s leg, Brooke closed her eyes. A gentle purple light emitted from her hands, covering Nadia’s injured leg. Nadia moaned quietly but didn’t wake up.

After an hour, Brooke opened her eyes and let the light fade. Stretching, Brooke got up and thankfully took the glass of water that Layia offered.
“Her leg will be a little sore but it’s completely healed now.” Brooke said, glancing down at Nadia.
“When will she wake up?” Layia asked, taking her mother’s spot next to her friend.
“I’m not sure, it’s different every time.” Brooke answered.

“Well I’m going to go start dinner, your Father will be home soon and wonder why it’s not ready.” Brooke told Layia, walking out the side door.

Layia lay her head next to her friend. Nadia was like a sister to her, they’d grown up together. They were roughly the same age, and there was never a time in her life, that Nadia hadn’t been there. They told each other everything, and got into stupid fights just like regular sisters.
“Layia?”
Layia’s head shot up. “Nadia! How are you feeling?” Layia asked, relieved that Nadia had waken up.
“I’m ok, my leg feels much better.” Nadia replied, pushing herself up on her elbows.
“That’s good, I about had a heart attack when you fainted.” Layia scolded.
“Sorry.”
“Well now will you tell me what happened?” Layia pressed, eager to know what events had taken place after she’d left.
Nadia gave her a skeptical look, “You think I should tell you even after you abandoned me? If you’d stuck around a little longer, you wouldn’t have to ask.”
“I know, and I truly am sorry, but you can’t just not tell me.” Layia pleaded.
“Oh, all right.” Nadia consented.
“Well when you two ran away. . .”

“OH MY GOSH!”

Nadia and Layia turned to look, as an over excited Tenia burst into the room, interrupting their conversation.
“What is it now?” Layia asked, miffed that Nadia had been interrupted.
“You’ll never believe it, but the Prince we saw earlier just rented a room from our Inn!” Tenia squealed, dancing happily in a small circle.
Nadia rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we believe you. We sent him there.”
“You what!” Tenia exclaimed, staring at her two friends.
Piling on the couch the three friends spent the next hour re-counting Nadia’s mishap and adventure.


Later that night, after the excitement of the day had wound down, and Tenia had gone home, Nadia lay on her bed in her small room. She’d just had dinner but hadn’t managed to eat very much, as her head still spun with memories of the day. Sighing, Nadia rolled over and stared at the plain ceiling.

“He could’ve been mine.” Nadia speculated. “If I was still princess it would’ve been me he’d come to see.” Grabbing her pillow, Nadia pounded it with her fists. “Why can’t I just forget about him? He’s just another stuck up Prince, with thoughts only for himself.” Nadia said, trying to convince herself to move on, knowing in her heart what she’d said was a lie.

“Now what do we have here?” Nadia jerked around in horror, as she heard the voice she’d come to fear. Her Aunts.
Standing in the doorway, with a disgusted look on her face was the Queen.
“What do you want?” Nadia spit in hatred, glaring at Alli.

The Queen raised her slim eyebrows, and shook her head. “Naughty girl, you of all people should know to treat royalty with respect.”
“Yeah well your nothing but an old hag!” Nadia shouted, too mad to control herself.
“Why you little. . . .” The Queen stopped, narrowing her eyes. “This is the last straw, I’m sick and tired of being nice. I let you live, and this is how you repay me? By drooling over the man I specifically picked out for my daughter, and now refusing to show respect to me and insulting me.”
“Fine, kill me but don’t you think Prince Charming will wonder where I’ve disappeared to?” Nadia asked, trying to buy herself some time to think of a way out of the mess she’d gotten herself into.
“Memory spells are easy enough to cast, but I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you, I’m sure that trashy Prince has forgotten all about you.” Alli sneered. “Besides I have a much better idea, I want you to hang around at least long enough to watch Ilona wed.”
“Why bother? It’s not like I plan on going to the wedding or anything.” Nadia remarked, trying not to show how scared she felt.
“We’ll see about that, you mangy cur.” Alli replied wickedly, pointing her finger at Nadia, light filled the room.

Nadia screamed as the light enveloped her body, paralyzing her. Pain raced up and down her body, ten times worse than the pain she’d felt in her leg earlier that day. The last thing Nadia saw was her Aunts evil sneer glaring down at her before the world disappeared.
Last edited by ZannaShepherd on Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna




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I see you haven't had any reviews, and though I'm not really any good at doing them, I'll review your piece for you. I read it a while back so it might be a little rusty. A few things:

Her golden streaked ,brown hair


I think you accidentally put a space between the coma and the "streaked"

he was, cause if


Since "cause" is the abbreviation/slang for "because", I would but an apostrophe there: 'cause.

Eighteen short years later, we find Nadia and her two best friends Layia, a Taylor, and Healer’s daughter, and Tenia, daughter of the Inn keeper’s, sitting hidden in a large oak tree.


...I don't know, the beginnings a little awkward. It's just my opinion but you might want to reword it slightly, like:
Eighteen years after the incident of Nadia's birth, summertime found Nadia and her two best friends Layia, a Taylor, and Healer’s daughter, and Tenia, daughter of the Inn keeper’s, sitting hidden in a large oak tree.

...Even that's not 100% improved but, again, it's simply my opinion and it's your story.
Other than those few nitpicks I really enjoyed reading it.
Anyways, keep up the good work and I can't wait for the next continuation.

~Dakota
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

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Thanks for Reviewing my work! I fixed what you mentioned, I didn't change the introduction, because it's supposed to be narrated.
Thank you for your input!
~Zanna
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna




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Gender Female
Points 1408
Reviews 13
Zanna,
I have to say that I really like your story. It has a lot of potential, I really think that you can go somewhere with this. The characters are good and have personnality that shows and the plotline is visable. I hope you have a good storyline planned, in fact I hope you have a storyline in any case. But there are some things here that I have a problem with. Shall we take a look?

Eighteen short years later, we find Nadia and her two best friends Layia, a Taylor, and Healer’s daughter, and Tenia, daughter of the Inn keeper’s, sitting hidden in a large oak tree. Nadia, against her Aunts wishes, had found out her true identity on her thirteenth birthday in a mysterious letter from an unknown stranger. Ever since then she’d had numerous visits from her Aunt to keep her ‘in her place’. But no matter how mean her Aunt was, nothing could keep Nadia from growing into the beautiful Princess she was or stop her from living her life to the fullest.

First off there is a lot of potential in this idea here that you just passed over. You could start the story with Nadia as a thriteen year-old peasant girl living, well wherever it is that she lives. Write some chapters describing how she lives and how she recieves the letter telling her the truth. Who is the stranger who sends the letter? How does the "Queen" find out that Nadia knows the truth? There are a lot of untapped possibilitys here, as well some confusion from events that you have not fully explained. There is a good opportunity to devellope this story further here.

Placing her hands over Nadia’s leg, Brooke closed her eyes. A gentle purple light emitted from her hands, covering Nadia’s injured leg. Nadia moaned quietly but didn’t wake up.

After an hour, Brooke opened her eyes and let the light fade. Stretching, Brooke got up and thankfully took the glass of water that Layia offered.

Pardon my wording, but What the heck is this light! Is it magic? If it is you should say so, explain it. You can't just go around inserting random elements into your story, you'll just end up confusing your readers.

Earlier that year the queen had sent out a proclamation to the surrounding Kingdoms, declaring that her daughter, Princess Ilona, would marry within the year. She offered for any and all Princes to come and court her daughter. Since then the roads in and out of the Kingdom of Guilloche had been streaming with traffic. Princes from near and far came to win over the beautiful princess, and make an allegiance through marriage that would guarantee no future wars with the powerful Kingdom of Guilloche.

Seriously, you make this guy seem like a main character over the course of this chapter. In that case wouldn't there be more info on his arrival, ect. I just think that this aspect of the story needs more substance to it, more info.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of for now. You can probably see that I'm more into content than grammer. Recap: Good story, love it. Needs expansion in certain areas. All in all, a lot of potential. Looking forward to more. Call me when you need a content review, I'd love to help.
Over and out, Point



Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence