Vampyres, Prt 1.

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Hey all, this is another book I'm writing. Please tell me what you think. :)


Prologue
Blood

I have never enjoyed blood.
I have never liked seeing it gushing from a mortal’s unprotected body, never enjoyed the taste of it on my tongue. To me it is simply sustenance, something to keep me alive and hopefully healthy. I am one of the cursed, one of the ones who has been changed against their will.
I am pale and thin, with hollow cheekbones. And my thirst for blood is almost never quenched. It is like a drug addiction. The longer you ignore it, the stronger your thirst becomes, until you are able to resist it no longer, and feed on the first living thing that you come across, be it be animal or human.
I wasn’t always this way.
I used to be an ordinary person. Well, as ordinary as a princess could be.
Yes, seven hundred years ago, I was a princess. I wasn’t a terribly important one, but I was one just the same. I had maids and dresses and tiaras all my own. At least, they were mine, until he came. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Chapter One
Trade

It was late evening and I was in the throne room with my father, listening to peasants complaining about livestock, food, and other things. I was very bored, as was my father. When the last peasant left the room I sighed and stood, wiping my hands on my skirt.
“Sweetheart, wait a moment. There is one other person that we must see. He shouldn’t be as boring as the peasants were.” I sat back down reluctantly.

Suddenly a fanfare started, and a man walked into the hall. He wore a black cloak that reached to his ankles and floated behind him like a cloud. He wore a black pair of pants and shiny black shoes, and a white shirt with a black overcoat on top. His face was pale as the white marble that made the floor, his hair was black and short, and somehow slicked back.

He stopped in front of my father’s throne and bowed, a mocking smile on his lips. He turned to me and did the same. He seemed to be restraining himself against something.
“Lord Anderot I presume?” My father nodded. He smiled again. I noticed that two of his teeth were pointed.
He glanced at me and saw me staring. His smile just grew wider, and he winked at me. I shivered.

He turned back to my father. “Now king, I, on behalf of the fair people of Ke’tifa have a proposal for you. We are willing to start a trade with you. Our weapons, for some of your peasants.” My father was looking at him oddly.
“Why would you want our peasants?” The man smiled a sly smile, an ‘I-know-better-than-you’ look. “I believe that is my business sir.” He said mockingly. “Unless of course, you would rather I withdraw my offer and go immediately back to my kingdom.” Ah, so that is his game. I thought.
My father shook his head. “No no, don’t do that! I was merely curious. How would this trade route work?” I listened with half an ear as they negotiated the route. My mind was elsewhere.

Around an hour later everything was set up, and the trading had already begun. He had left, and my father and I were alone in the hall. “Well, now that that’s over with, I’m going to bed.” I said, getting up. My father nodded for me to go ahead, and I went up to my room.
I changed into my sleepwear with the help of a maid. When I finished I looked in my mirror. An awkwardly shaped girl looked out at me. I was thirteen, and my body didn’t know if I was a girl or a woman.
I had, and still have, long straight black tresses that reached to my mid-back. I also had and still have startling dark green eyes. Back then I had skin that was of the regular tone, neither dark nor light. All in all, I looked exactly as I should.
My white nightdress fitted me perfectly. I sighed and went to bed, pondering over our odd visitor.

Six Years Later

It had been six years since my father had set up the trade route. I was eating breakfast in our dining hall when my father came in. he seemed rather flustered, and his crown was lopsided. “Hello Belle.”

I smiled at him. “Hello father. What’s the matter?” He sighed and straightened his crown. “The kingdom of Ke’tifa has stopped sending their weapons, but they demand that we continue sending them people.”

I gasped. “Surely not?”

He nodded. “Yes, it’s true. But none of my ambassadors are willing to go. There have been some rumors circling around. Apparently no ambassador has come back. So, I’m going to send you instead. They wouldn't harm a member of my family.”

I stared at him with an open mouth. “You are going to send me into Ke’tifa?” He nodded. He frowned at my expression. “And you are going to go, because if you don’t go, one of your maids will reach an untimely demise.” I sighed. Typical father. Whenever I or anyone else does something that he doesn’t like, or doesn’t do something that he wants done, he threatens people.

“All right father, I’ll go, but only for you.” He smiled. “Good. You’ll be leaving tomorrow morning.” I nodded. He sighed, content. He left the room almost immediately. I finished my breakfast, and spent the rest of the day trying on dresses for my journey the next day. I narrowed it down to two. One was deep wine red, with puffy sleeves and two slits in either side that showed my white underdress. It tied with a red ribbon on the back. The other was a turquoise color, studded with small diamonds the shimmered when I moved. It hung around my shoulders and went straight down to my ankles. I decided on the red dress, and continued to shoes and tiaras. It was terribly boring, but I needed to look the best I could look when I went into Ke’tifa the next day. When I had finished I was very tired, though it was barely past dinnertime. I lay down in my bed. It was soft and comfortable, and I fell asleep instantly.

I woke the next morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. All over the castle there were signs of my leaving. There were maids running about my room even before I woke up, packing clothes, accessories, and other things. I got out of bed and put on my outfit, with the help of my handmaid Bryanna. By the time I was dressed and ready I had already had my lunch.

My maids carried my things down the stairs into the main hall, then out the door to my carriage. My carriage was a beautiful one, made from fine mahogany that had been carved into the shapes of birds, vines, insects, snakes, leopards, and almost any other animal you could imagine. The vines wound around the carriage randomly, giving it a wonderful effect. Occasionally you would see a pair of large eyes peering out from behind some leaves.

The inside of the carriage was as lovely as the outside, with red velvet seats and a secret box to hide things in, like gold, alcohol, treats, and occasionally, people. While my maids packed my things into the carriage I looked around at the castle. It was impressive for such a small kingdom, with flags and battlements. It didn’t have a moat, which was fine with me. I had never liked water either. My father came out of the castle, beaming. “Hello my sweet, are you ready to leave?”
I nodded. “Almost father, my maids are just packing my things.”
“Good.” Then one of the maids came up. She curtsied to both of us before speaking. “The carriage is ready my princess.”
I smiled. “Thank you.” I curtsied to my father. “Goodbye father, I shall see you on my return.”
He hugged me gently. “Yes you shall.” I turned and got into the carriage. The door was shut behind me, and it started moving. I looked out the window. My father was already gone, as were my maids.

Three hours later I was leaving my kingdom. The houses and people had become few and far apart, and most of the flat brown fields were replaced with rolling hills. I watched the landscape pass by with half-open eyes, my forehead pressed against the window of the carriage. Then we reached the bridge. It crossed a huge fissure that you couldn’t see the bottom of.

The bridge itself was black and very long, without a wall or side to be seen. The carriage wheeled onto the bridge, dangerously close to the edge. The bridge creaked and groaned under the weight. We crossed with excruciating slowness. All I could hear was my own breathing.

My heart was pumping at least twice its normal rate. Suddenly I heard a crack. My eyes slowly moved downward. Outside it was barely light enough to see, but I could see the ground underneath the back end of the carriage.
It wasn’t there.
I remember not being able to breathe, not being able to do anything at all, as the carriage slid, inch-by-inch, towards my certain doom. The horses in the front were trying to pull it up, but they were incapable. I was frozen. Then the carriage jerked. It was just the disturbance I needed. I regained control of my vocal cords.
I screamed like I had never screamed before.

The carriage continued sliding, and I opened the carriage door, hoping that I could jump for the bridge. Empty space was beneath my feet. I looked towards the bridge. It was several feet away, and getting farther away by the second. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Then, without another thought, I leapt from the carriage into abyss.

I flew towards the bridge very quickly. Or maybe it was very slowly, I couldn’t tell. The next thing I knew I was hanging onto the bridge by my right hand, my feet dangling dangerously above the chasm.
I thought for a moment. Nobody had come to help me before; nobody would come now. I wondered if it would be easier to resign myself to the inevitable and let go. I did.
Last edited by gsppcrocks10 on Sat Aug 29, 2009 1:45 am, edited 3 times in total.
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written."




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I like the idea. You write really well and since it's in first person, it's like a continuous stream of thoughts. A few things that I noticed were that you didn't use commas to separate narration from a quote. For example; "Better to be a witty fool than a foolish wit," he replied, "but you should know that." Also, quotes said by different people should be separated with a new, indented line.

"...simply sustenance, something to keep me alive..."
I think that comma could be replaced with a semicolon.

"...one of the cursed, one of the ones..."
Same thing. Separate the clause and the phrase with a semicolon since there's no conjunction.

"...black shoes, a white top..."
This is part of a list so you should try punctuating it as one. Say, "black pants, black shoes, and a white top." Also, would it be called a top in that time period? Think about the colloquialisms and dialect.

"...two front teeth were pointed..."
I know what you're trying to say, but it sounds like he just has really odd bucked teeth. Vampire fangs aren't usually considered to be the two front teeth, but generally the first canines.

"...that is his game. I thought."
Same thing about using commas to separate quotes and narration. Also, thoughts are usually in italics to show that they aren't exactly narration. What is his game, though? I was confused. I understand what you're trying to say, but maybe you could explain it a bit more to the reader. Maybe say that he was using bribery or something similar.

"Around an hour later everything was set up...."
Separate later and everything with a comma. This keeps the introductory statement, which is the when, different from the main point of the sentence. This happened elsewhere as well.

"All over the caste there were signs..."
There may be a caste system in the kingdom that I don't know about, but I'm pretty sure that's a type-o and you meant to say castle. Also, this is another introductory statement, so use a comma after castle.

"The vines weaved..."
I don't know what it should be, but this doesn't sound right. You may need another tense of the verb, to weave.

"...never liked water either."
What did she already mention not liking? If you're trying to tie this into her dislike of blood, you might want to edit it. It just seems like that's a reference to something too far back in the chapter to allow your reader to comprehend it.

"...'see you on my return.'"
"See you upon my return," might sound a bit better.

Keep up the good work! I'd love to read more of it, so please let me know if you put anything else up.




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Crocks my lovely little munchkin! I’m here to review! I love this idea, the reader can really identify with your character. Your use of language is sublime. However! Before I compliment you too much and make your head so big you can’t see the computer… nitcpicks!

I have never liked seeing it gushing from a mortal’s unprotected body, never enjoyed the taste of it on my tongue. To me it is simply sustenance, something to keep me alive and hopefully healthy. I am one of the cursed, one of the ones who has been changed against their will.

Okay, this is really good description and all, but you could cut some of it out, it repeats itself a lot. Saying that it wouldn’t be too bad if you left it in. first nitpick failed… xD

I used to be an ordinary person. Well, as ordinary as a princess could be.

Compared with the rest of the passage, this isn’t up to your incredible standard, I don’t know why, it just seems… well not as good. But it’s not awful, so if you can’t think of an alternative, don’t worry. Another fail there. Sorry!

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I’d start a new paragraph here.

"Sweetheart, wait a moment. There is one other person that we must see. He shouldn’t be as boring as the peasants were.”[/code]Start a new line when someone speaks, and when it is someone new speaking, you do this a fair bit as far as I can remember, I’ll only mention it once though.


His face was pale as ice,
Ice is clear… try something like “His face was as pale as winter snow” that wasn’t the best example I’m sure, but hey, you’re a better writer than I, I’m sure you’ll think of something!

He wore a black pair of pants and shiny black shoes, a white top with a black overcoat on top.

Haha, I’m so British, when I read this I was like, good lord, he’s walking around in his underwear, I've never heard the like! Lol, moving on… erm this is a very obvious vampire look. Also, I would phrase it as such:
He wore a black pair of pants *cough trousers lol cough*, black shiny shoes *although you may not need to mention this, it seems as though it doesn‘t really add much to the description*, a crisp white shirt *I say shirt, it seems more like what you‘re going for here.*, and a black overcoat. The fact that you say it’s an overcoat gives us a clue that it’s on top. Also, you need to think about the fashions of the time period you’re going for. Try looking it up, and giving it a vampire feel, as I’m not sure when the suit became the ‘in’ thing.

and his hair was black and short, and somehow slicked back.

And and and… I would phrase it like so: his hair was black and short, slicked back somehow. Also, this is very typical vampire look again. Maybe that’s a good thing though. Hmm, I’m on the fence.

The man smiled a secret smile, an ‘I-know-better-than-you’ look.

I has problems with this… the man smiled secretly *to avoid repeating yourself* and then the ‘I-know-better-than-you’ hmm, this doesn’t sound right in this story. Try he looked knowingly at the *is the man the king?*

...go immediately back to my kingdom.”

Question mark not full stop here.

“Yes, it’s true. But none of my ambassadors are willing to go. There have been some rumors circling around. Apparently no ambassador has come back. So, I’m going to send you instead!”

Harsh father! You should add a reason for this, no father would be so callous. Say he didn’t think they would dare harm a member of the royal family or something. This was my main problem with the text if I’m honest, this bit right here. You need to explain, either why the father seems so uncaring, or why he would risk her life so.

he goes and threatens people.

This doesn’t sound right… he issues threats? Although I presume that he dies before her, and she is looking back? So you could put it in the past tense, unless he’s also a vampire.

All over the caste

Castle*

giving it a nice effect.

Nice is such a weak word, you could try something more suited to this, clearly beautiful object.

hide things in, like gold, alcohol, treats, and occasionally, people.

I think you could skip the like here. Also there are a lot of commas here.

“Just about father, my maids are just packing my things.”

You say just twice here.

carriage into abyss.

Into the abyss I think?

Okay, I think they’re all the nitpicks. Right, okay, so you have great writing skill, really, you are incredible. I could see the castle in my mind. I actually imagine it on a cliff-top for some reason! Sorry, I love castles, they’re so fun to describe and imagine! You have made a very likeable character who, as the story develops, I feel the reader will be able to identify with extremely well. The father is not quite as three dimensional as your MC though. You may want to work on that if you’re going to bring him back in a any point.

At the start you say she’s not a very important princess… erm, her father is the king and any princess is important. If you want to convey this message that she’s not very important, maybe you should have the King as her uncle? Say she’s an orphan or something. Just an idea.

Also, when you have paragraph breaks, some of the time there is no line space, this can make some of the paragraphs seem larger than they actually are. This can really put the reader off, so consider breaking them up with full lines. There is also your habit of not starting a new line for new speaker. If someone speaks start a new line for each speaker, even the first speaker.

Your description of the carriage is very thorough, the reader can really see it very clearly, so well done on that front! The vampire man, I assume he is, would be a very odd plot twist if he wasn’t! he is quite well portrayed, except he seems like the generic vampire, but if he doesn’t come into it much then it shouldn’t matter.

I like the way you show the thirteen year old princess, someone who we can all relate to, nice touch! Your story progresses at a nice pace, which is good. The only thing I will say is that we don’t really learn much about Belle *that‘s the right person isn‘t it?* and we will need to see some character development pretty soon, although what we do see of her seems very promising.

You quite literally left it on a cliff-hanger, which was nicely done. I really would like to read more of this, so PM me with the next post! Also, which country does this take place in? try to be a little more descriptive of time period and location. If you wanted to do a different take on vampires *NOT twilight* I would recommend reading my sword hand is singing by Marcus Sedgwick. Vampire stories have developed over a long time, researching its beginnings as Sedgwick did for that novel may give you some ideas! Not that you don’t already have a good one, but thought I’d mention it, as it’s a good read anyway! Make sure you let me know when you write more! Thank you!

~ Roon
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau




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All the questions I had when I read part three were answered here. And even though I know what happens to Belle I can't wait to read part two; so great job once again.
The only problem I had that wasn't nitpicked already by someone else was the word POSH.
as in
"explaining the carriage blah blah blah POSH interior." Maybe lush? or anything other than that word? It probably isn't that big of a deal but that word just stood out as so utterly WRONG. It was like someone cut that word out of one of those Clique books and pasted it in there. I swear, it even morphed into a diffetent font size and color when I read it. Like sanscrit bright orange or something. It was as unfit as this "elefante, senorita!" put in the middle of your sentence.
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
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So, I'm here, again!!

Some things were cleard out now. This is very good, I like it.
Now, i won't be as nitpicky (not that I ever was) in punctuation and suff. I just want to tell you somethings.

“All right father, I’ll go, but only for you.” He smiled. “Good. You’ll be leaving tomorrow morning.” I nodded. He sighed, content. He left the room almost immediately. I finished my breakfast, and spent the rest of the day trying on dresses for my journey the next day. I narrowed it down to two. One was deep wine red, with puffy sleeves and two slits in either side that showed my white underdress. It tied with a red ribbon on the back. The other was a turquoise color, studded with small diamonds the shimmered when I moved. It hung around my shoulders and went straight down to my ankles. I decided on the red dress, and continued to shoes and tiaras. It was terribly boring, but I needed to look the best I could look when I went into Ke’tifa the next day. When I had finished I was very tired, though it was barely past dinnertime. I lay down in my bed. It was soft and comfortable, and I fell asleep instantly.


So this whole paragraph, is good, but you kept talking about the dresse and I would like to know how she felt, how did she feel when he told her that she was leaving tomorrow? Some little more emotions from her because the descritption of hte actins are good but what did she think?

The inside of the carriage was as lovely as the outside, with red velvet seats and a secret box to hide things in, like gold, alcohol, treats, and occasionally, people. While my maids packed my things into the carriage I looked around at the castle. It was impressive for such a small kingdom, with flags and battlements. It didn’t have a moat, which was fine with me. I had never liked water either. My father came out of the castle, beaming. “Hello my sweet, are you ready to leave?”
I nodded. “Almost father, my maids are just packing my things.”
“Good.” Then one of the maids came up. She curtsied to both of us before speaking. “The carriage is ready my princess.”
I smiled. “Thank you.” I curtsied to my father. “Goodbye father, I shall see you on my return.”
He hugged me gently. “Yes you shall.” I turned and got into the carriage. The door was shut behind me, and it started moving. I looked out the window. My father was already gone, as were my maids.

YOu kept describing the carriage and how much you liked it. It really doesn't need such a description. Then again, you keep telling actions. This is the morning in which she was leaving. I imagine her nervous, eagerly expecting for the last glimpse of her father, awaiting for the arrival at the other town. YOu give us the idea, but not clearly.

Three hours later I was leaving my kingdom. The houses and people had become few and far apart, and most of the flat brown fields were replaced with rolling hills. I watched the landscape pass by with half-open eyes, my forehead pressed against the window of the carriage. Then we reached the bridge. It crossed a huge fissure that you couldn’t see the bottom of

I felt a little rushed here.

But that's all, everything is so intriguing, It keeps the reader interested. Besides what I told you, everything is alright. Actually awesome!!
So I just have the second part left!!

Loved It
Pudin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine




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Hey Gspp, Stella here! First of all, did I tell you I liked your avatar? 'Cause I do... anyway...

I. NITPICKS

I have never enjoyed blood.


This is a great opening line, my question is of the word enjoy. I know like is boring, but perhaps it would fit better.

I used to be an ordinary person. Well, as ordinary as a princess could be.


Just, you know, pointing out my love of princesses :P

It was late evening and I was in the throne room with my father, listening to peasants complaining about livestock, food, and other things.


This... is a weird way to start a chapter. It's not a hook. Perhaps you could put the "I was very bored" here, and then explain the setting, and her father or something. It's just... pretend I'm reading this without reading the prologue first.

and somehow slicked back.


Come on. The cliché is acceptable up to here, but slicked back hair?

“Why would you want our peasants?” The man smiled a sly smile, an ‘I-know-better-than-you’ look.


You need to start a new line after "peasants."

“Well, now that that’s over with, I’m going to bed.” I said, getting up.


That should be a comma after bed.

It had been six years since my father had set up the trade route.


Again, try putting the bit about eating breakfast first or something.

“Hello Belle.”


"Hello, Belle."

“All right father, I’ll go, but only for you.” He smiled.


He smiled should start a new line.

I nodded. “Almost father, my maids are just packing my things.”


Comma after Almost.

II. PUNCTUATION

Okay, so, dialogue punctuation since I can't find Demeter's article.

Example: which is right?

"I'm not sure." said Ben.

or

"I'm not sure," said Ben.

It's the second one. Anything like that, said Ben, shouted Minnie, said Ollie with a shrug etc., it's called a speech tag. And a speech tag is just a continuation of your sentence, but outside of the speech marks. Confusing? Yes. But just remember that. So you can't put a full stop there, it has to be a comma. Of course, since you need them to show how something is said, exclamation marks, question marks and dot-dot-dots are all acceptable. Just remember if you have a speech tag, no full stop.

Other than that, a few other nitty-gritty things for you to remember:

-comma before names. "What do you think Ellie?"

should be:

"What do you think, Ellie?"

And a comma after them too, like: "Oh, John, do you think...?"

-Paragraphs. Begin a new paragraph whenever there is a new idea or theme, as I'm sure you know, or when someone new is speaking- but group actions with speakers. Like, if someone nods their head and says something, put the two on the same line, don't put the nodding on the end of the line before and start a new paragraph. Other than that, I'm pretty sure you know the rules, you're just not using them enough where paragraphs are concerned. Don't worry about it, whenever you think there should be a new one, make a new one.

III. CHARACTERS

I know this is just a beginning, but I'd like to see more of your characters, specifically her father. At first they seem close, but then he threatens her. Since we leave him behind, I think it's important that you develop him at this stage. What's he like? Loving, but selfish? Manipulative? A ruler who will do anything for his kingdom? I have no idea.

Also, Belle herself could use some development. I'd like to see her relationships with other people more, that with her father, yes, but also, her maids. Her father threatens them to get to her, so she must be close to them. And what about the other people? A teenage girl must have some thoughts on romance, yes? Any in the palace?

IV. THE DRIVER

This is just a silly thing, but when she's on the bridge in the carriage, well, where's the driver? Wouldn't he help her? Or has he abandoned her? Just... don't disregard him, okay?

V. OVERALL

This wasn't bad, it could use some polishing. Overall though, I quite liked it.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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I really liked the way you started the story. It almost instantly told me a hint of what the story would be about, but brought this kind of twist to it.
I noticed a few things in your writing that stood out to be quite well, I liked how you tried to capture the feel of that era the character was in, trying to keep the dialouge the same as well.
It really helped envision the story better. I also liked your description of certain things, such as the dresses, or the body of the character.
Her personality is a bit of a mysterey to me. I would like to see more insight on that.
Same goes for the king.
He might be a small character in the story currently, but he still plays an important role either way.
Try to not have fragments, such as "I did."
I mean some of them, yes do cause a good feel, but again, and again makes the writing seem not as well done, and put together.
Try to keep the same mood, as well. And I would like to see a bit more maturity in the characters after six years.
I think you handeled it pretty well, but it was hard to tell whether or not she had matured. A description comparting her past would have helped from her present self.

Overall I enjoyed it, I found it at times a bit boring, but the writing was very captivating, and easy to understand at some parts.
A bit more work, and it'll be amazing !
Good luck !

(Hope I don't sound cruel, or anything.)




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Hey GSPPCROCKS, I'm KJ. Just here to do a quick review without nitpicks - I think you have had enough of those for now.

To begin, this all moves very fast. I would like to see you slow the pace down a bit. Take your time telling the story. Give us descriptions, settings, information! There is a fine line between too much detail and not enough, and you're hovering around it, but at this point, that's what I'd like to see happen.

Next, your punctuation. Always when you have a tag after a line of dialogue, the first letter should be lowercase (unless it is a name) and the periods you have should be commas. For example, this: “I believe that is my business sir.” He said mockingly. should look like this: “I believe that is my business sir,he said mockingly.

And then the title. It's not original. It doesn't shout READ ME! You know? Vampyres, no matter how it's spelt, has been done before. And because you've chosen to write about this already-over-explored topic, I think you should make it as fresh and unique as possible.

Finally, the post. I didn't like how three sections of the story were all bunched up into this one post. Maybe it's just me. I'm picky like that. I don't really know why, I guess. I just like to feel organized :)

So good luck with your writing, and I hope I've helped at least a little,

KJ




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The longer you ignore it, the stronger your thirst becomes, until you are able to resist it no longer, and feed on the first living thing that you come across, be it be animal or human.

one too many "be:s"

At least, they were mine, until he came. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Wonderful, effective ending to a prologue. The prologue was appropriately short, but still managed to give us everything we needed to want to know more about this princess.

He wore a black cloak that reached to his ankles and floated behind him like a cloud. He wore a black pair of pants and shiny black shoes, and a white shirt with a black overcoat on top.

I'm getting a bit overwhelmed by the repetition here.

I had, and still have, long straight black tresses that reached to my mid-back. I also had and still have startling dark green eyes.

Here, the repetition is appropriate. But add the commas like you did in the first line in the second line as well.

I sighed. Typical father. Whenever I or anyone else does something that he doesn’t like, or doesn’t do something that he wants done, he threatens people.

“All right father, I’ll go, but only for you.” He smiled. “Good. You’ll be leaving tomorrow morning.” I nodded. He sighed, content.

Quite the sighing family. Maybe use another expression instead of repeating yourself?

The other was a turquoise color, studded with small diamonds the shimmered when I moved.

I'm sure you meant "that"

Then we reached the bridge. It crossed a huge fissure that you couldn’t see the bottom of.

You could do without "then", or possibly replace it with "eventually".

Outside it was barely light enough to see, but I could see the ground underneath the back end of the carriage.
It wasn’t there.

Quite the paradox, how can she see what isn't there? Maybe use "look" instead of "see"?

I thought for a moment. Nobody had come to help me before; nobody would come now. I wondered if it would be easier to resign myself to the inevitable and let go. I did.


Wow, just wow! I admire your way of writing, and your pace is fitting in my opinion. I'm pretty sure that this (based on the prologue) is simply a form of flashback to the princess, and that the pace will be "slower" once she has finished reminiscing. I'm looking forward to reading the next part!
"SHAMAN" is a action/adventure fiction novel I'm writing, following the adventures of Marcus Lee. Marcus finds a book with a peculiar symbol engraved on the cover. As Marcus digs deeper into the mysteries of the book, he learns about controlled reincarnation.




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Hey there.

The first thing that I noticed is that there are some gaps in the logic of this piece. For example, why would the King send his daughter away to continue the trade? Wouldn't that be quite a risky move? I mean how can you be certain that they'll not harm/kill her? Quite a fatal oversight from the king.

The second thing that I've noticed is how off the voice of the narrator is given the context and society that the piece is taking in. Her voice seems too casual; it really lacks that nobility and sosphication that one would expect from a princess. She complains about being bored (with no actual reason as to why that's the case), over describes things which have little relevance with the story and has very little thought or opinion on the whole trading scheme. I was quite bored of this piece, simply because there was no actual conflict between the father and the daughter. The princess seemed pretty brain dead throughout the piece.

Having a vampire in Medieval times will work wonderfully as the wilderness surrounding the cities were considered to be infested with wild beasts and the supernatural (which people had greatly feared). Therefore, you should also consider building upon this fear in your story to make it more convincing.

You have some good ideas, it just needs some refining and more depth.

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Prologue


Expand this, please. In my opinion it's too short to really be an effective introduction to the rest of your story.

How would this trade route work?” I listened with half an ear as they negotiated the route. My mind was elsewhere.

Around an hour later everything was set up, and the trading had already begun.


This seems like a cop-out to me. Almost a missed opportunity. You skip what is potentially an entire scene discussing arrangements, which I think is pertinent to the reader. Consider expanding.

My white nightdress fitted me perfectly.


Fit. Or "was fitted to me."

In reference to Squall's advice:

The narrative voice need not match the times, because she is telling the story from many hundreds of years into the future. Her dialect and tone would have changed considerably.

However, I do agree with the idea that the king would likely not send his daughter without some serious muscle from his knights to serve as bodyguards.

Good read; like Squall said, just needs some refinement. Will be reading the next part as time goes on.

--D
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.




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'I had maids and dresses and tiaras all my own.'

This should be 'I had maids and dresses and tiaras all of my own...'

But overall, i loved the story. It was one of those stories that grip you instantly. The beginning was very good and the detail was great. The detail about the character, however, could have been much longer. This vampire story is truly brilliant! Creepy too...
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...



If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France