Stockholm(Shadows of the Night)

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I was now alone. The shadows stood behind me - watching my every move while the light stood in front of me criticizing my face. I didn’t know which way to turn. Because either way would affect my life forever. I searched my brain for some sort of way to choose between the two - between life and death. Surely a game of eeny-meany-miney-moe wouldn’t suffice at this moment. This was far too big to settle with a child’s game.
As I searched my brain I cam upon memories of earlier today when I was with Alex and everything was easy and simple. When we were laughing and smiling for hours on end at each other. I cam across the memory of the first time we met in the dark alley, fear in my eyes and confusion in his. The first night he came to my room - and the first night I snuck out to be with him, which was also the first time he held me in his arms.
But the memory of our first sweet kiss surpassed them all. It was like remembering the smell of your mother’s hair after she passed away or of sweet watermelon on a hot summer day. The words from our earlier conversation came to my mind, replaying over and over like a song in the background.

I am afraid that one day I will lose you - and if I do then I don’t think I will live in this world without you for another second,” Alex had said to me.
“ That will never have to happen, how can I live if I don’t bring my heart with me?” I asked not searching for an answer, just speaking metaphorically. Alex dream me closer and kissed me passionately for - what appeared to be - an eternity.


I brought myself back to the present day and knew a decision was made. I took the first step forward to confront the faces of over-confident witches. Sneaking a peek back at Chris who was telling an irritated Cheyenne to wait, this moment was not over yet.
I inhaled deeply as I put my arms around Cari’s happy neck, “ You do not bare my flesh and we share no blood. The lies you told me no longer apply because the Melody you once new, no longer exists. For I’d rather walk with the shadows in an eternity of darkness than stand with weak mortals in false light. If you cross my path after this day then I will sink my teeth into your flesh and drain you dry of every ounce of life. So I advise you not to,” I moved away from her shocked face and grabbed Hermosa from her feet, “ Goodbye, Caroline Fuego,”
I walked back the way I came embracing the smile of the shadows that stood before me. I put my hand up just in time to catch a witches knife being thrown at me, “Thanks. I’ll make sure I use this the day I come to slit all of your throats,” I threatened - though it wasn’t a shallow one. This threat filled with promises of a bloody tomorrow.
I took the hand of my graceful vampire and he pulled me into his side, “Let’s go home,” I said looking out over the weak witches.
“ As you wish,” Alex said grabbing my attention with his beautiful voice and taking us away into a deeper night.





I hope you all enjoy this. If you can please tell me what you think about this. I am planning on getting the full book published soon and I want to know what people think before I do. So please be very mean and very critical. And if you can tell me if you would be interested in reading more - that would really help. THANKS!!!




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I love it! There are a few typos and there are things I dont understand about the story... I'm sure I would if I read more of it. But overall I was drawn in right away. I would love to read more of it. Please pm me if you like. Im so curious as to the rest of the tale. Good luck with publishing!

I know you wanted real critiques but I'm having trouble finding any. I wish I could help but I guess you'll have to find someone more experienced than me. Sorry...
I go to seek a Great Perhaps...




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The shadows stood behind me - watching my every move while the light stood in front of me criticizing my face.
The punctuation in this sentence is awkward and your metaphore in the second clause is very strained.

Spelling Note: CAM: short for camera CAME: a verb used to describe movement in the past tense.

I am afraid that one day I will lose you - and if I do then I don’t think I will live in this world without you for another second,” Alex had said to me.
“ That will never have to happen, how can I live if I don’t bring my heart with me?” I asked not searching for an answer, just speaking metaphorically. Alex dream me closer and kissed me passionately for - what appeared to be - an eternity.
1) The first quotation is needlessly specific. Go for something more succinct, yet powerful. If you're spending to much time thinking of something good, than just the sentence shorter, perhaps by omitting "for another second", or simply change the second cluase into another sentence like: I can't bear living in this world without you."-if you insist on keeping this. I have a different opinion, but I will reach that later.
2)Do not italicize the flash back. It is pointless.
3)You should avoid mentioning the fact your narrator was speaking metaphorically. If you must acknowledge the metaphore that way, than it is not a very good metaphore.
4) Quite frankly, I think the flash back is cheesy; not because I dislike romantic scenes-I like them- but because the scene is too generic. That, and perhaps the fact that you are introducing this flash back too early, at a time when the reader has no good reason to care very much.

I brought myself back to the present day and knew a decision was made. I took the first step forward to confront the faces of over-confident witches. Sneaking a peek back at Chris who was telling an irritated Cheyenne to wait, this moment was not over yet.
I inhaled deeply as I put my arms around Cari’s happy neck, “ You do not bare my flesh and we share no blood. The lies you told me no longer apply because the Melody you once new, no longer exists. For I’d rather walk with the shadows in an eternity of darkness than stand with weak mortals in false light. If you cross my path after this day then I will sink my teeth into your flesh and drain you dry of every ounce of life. So I advise you not to,” I moved away from her shocked face and grabbed Hermosa from her feet, “ Goodbye, Caroline Fuego,”
The description in these scene is unstable, chiefly because you introduce several unknown characters in a very breif instance without telling the reader anything about them. I don't know if Hermosa is a cat, and injured friend, or whatever. Happy neck? What the heck is that supposed to mean? A neck is just a neck. It is usually not a wise idea to describe body parts with emotional adjectives. "The Melody you once knew no longer existed" sounds like a line from a cheesy drama flick. Don't use it, because it's become such a cliche from sheer overuse. Also, did you change POVs in one paragraph, because I don't know what is going on.

One of your biggest mistakes in this story is you don't set the situation up adequately enough for your reader. You never mentioned witches, but you mentioned shadows, which could be just about anything. We don't know ANYTHING about more than half of these characters, and you say "I grabbed Cari's 'happy' neck," when I later got the impression that Caroline was the narrator of the story. Did the narrator just become a vampire in this scene? What just happened? The story is too ambiguous and unclear.

Also, a word of advice: there are a plethora of vampire books that are going to hit the shelf. What is going to make your story stand out if you do nothing original? Just think about that.




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hello..i'm not an expert..but i noticed some minor typos and some punctuation errors just like these ones..try considering these points..but these are just my thoughts okay..

"When we were laughing and smiling for hours on end at each other."
~i don't think this could be considered a full sentence so a period is improper.

"The first night he came to my room - and the first night I snuck out to be with him, which was also the first time he held me in his arms."
~the hyphen don't seem fit or maybe try splitting this sentence

"I am afraid that one day I will lose you - and if I do then I don’t think I will live in this world without you for another second,” Alex had said to me.
~same here on the hyphen

~and the next parts here i don't quite understand maybe because i'm not yet so familiar with your story and some sentences are lacking commas by the way..

all in all, i think i grasped the action at the end..this is a vampire story right?..i just couldn't vividly picture the event..but i think i'd have to and i'd want to read more of your story..:)



You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind