Thy will be done!

First Impressions

The first thought I have is that it reads like a prayer, not a poem. The main problem here is that it really *is* a prayer, not a poem. It shows your love and devotion to your lord, however the reader is left with nothing really.

Then there is the picture of (what I am assuming is) you, and it has absolutely no purpose for the poem itself. If you're looking for a place to show yourself off, try the Post Your Pic Here thread.

The main issue that I see here is that this was clearly written for you and you alone, your reader doesn't come into it at all. Writing poetry for yourself is fine, but it's best to keep it in your journal rather than present it as a serious piece of writing.


I can clearly see your passion for the subject in this, you clearly care very much for the topic, and that's a good thing. The problem is the passion doesn't translate from your words the the reader in the way that I am sure you intended.

Imagery

The most effective way to get a reader to feel what you're feeling is to create imagery that grabs them and won't let them go. Rather than saying "I love the lord!" give us an image of how powerful this love is. Simply saying it isn't going to mean much to the rest of the world, we need you to give us a reason to love as well.

Try thinking of one specific instance and build off of it. Create something tangible that the reader can relate to

Hope this helps

OverEasy

hmmm well i'm a christian and i feel you on the topic and your message. I'm not really going to comment about the style of the poem only because I don't think thats really the purpose of it, just the message which I receive clearly.

While I get what you are trying to say, this poem comes off as one of two things:

1.) A prayer
2.) A sermon

I think you were trying to write something impactful, but you missed it just by an inch. First of all, put more emotion into this, after all your relationship with the Lord is a very personal one, and should be full of feeling. Furthermore, I would cut back on the overusage of God's will. Yes, we are here to fulfill his will, but we don't need to be clobbered over the head with this information.

If you decide to edit this, let me know, I'd like to read it.

Hi rey banzon. I'm Conrad, and I will be your reviewer for today.

So, this is really not working out for me. I mean, I know other people are saying that this sounds like a prayer or a sermon, but to me it doesn't even sound like that. It wallops us over the head too much for it to be very effective as either. My advice would be to scrap this and try to start afresh. You need to develop your concept out more. As it is, it is too distilled.

I would advise reading up on some good religious poetry before you attempt something like this again. John Donne is quite adept at it. Start with him and see just what you can pick up.

Good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi there!

Firstly, I'd like to ask why you've posted this in all capitals and bolded, when it needs neither? I've re-typed your poem in lowercase, using the appropriate capitals when needed. This is merely a layout and style issue, but I do rather strongly suggest you change this. All capitals are hard to read and give the impression you are shouting at your reader. In a religious poem such as this, that impression is perhaps not the best one to be giving.

"Oh, Father in heaven,
how great is your name?
I could not explain it!
It is above my thoughts.
All I can do is to live in your will,
to serve in your will,
to worship in your will,
to have fellowship in your will,
to grow like Christ because that is your will,
and to be in the mission because it is your will.
Also to continually do your will and spread the good news.
Above all, it is all about your will."

Onto the poem itself: I won't be focusing on the subject matter of the poem so much as how you choose to address it. Currently your poem reads as an evangelist rant, as the narrator preaching to his reader and not at all as a poem. I think it would help if you condensed your poem to its key elements, which are not hard to pinpoint here. From there, I suggest you write a paragraph or some lines about these key elements. What you belive and why you believe it. I realise this sounds like a school excercise, but it's one of the ways you can get better at writing what you mean without all the inbetween confusion.

Your poem needs some imagery, allusion and description. Re-arrange your poem to flow smoothly, with an even sentence structure and try and remove the unnecessary words. Take your first few lines for example - I assume they are an allusion to Our Father?
""Oh, Father in heaven,
how great is your name?
I could not explain it!
It is above my thoughts."

Could just as easily be:
"Oh, Father in heaven,
your name is above my thoughts,
I could not explain it,
- insert description here. "

You want to engage your reader, make them involved in your text and wanting more. Description, imagery and a good narrative voice will keep your poem interesting and still spiritual. You're on the right track, you clearly have the emotion and devotion. As Conrad says, read some religious poetry and see how they do it.

If you have any questions, feel free to pm me.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.