Sticky Fingers

Since I'm desperately trying to improve my poetry writing skills,
I'll be posting a lot of poems on YWS. I decided that I might as
well create just one giant post where people can review whenever
(kind of like the dealio Kylan has going on) instead of blowing all
my points. I would really appreciate feedback!
Edit: I'm focusing more on my novel right now, so poetry might be at a minimal. If I write some more poems, I'll reopen this. But for now, it's just Sticky Fingers.


Sticky Fingers

Serpentine snatches
and honey coated hands.
Place them on my feathers
and watch them pull apart.
Coat them on your body
like your heavy metal shield.

You stupid, cowardly lion.

Keep stealing little bits of me.
And add them to your wall.
You're a shallow cardboard cut-out;
there's nothing to you
but a cunning smile
and sticky hands.

Plagiarized personality
just look at you.
Or should I say me?
Because that's who you are;

a thief.

There's nothing left,
you've run me dry;
I'm just an empty gorge.
I'm just a shadow,
a silhouette,
a semi-transparent film.
Push me aside --
who needs me anyways? --
just let me fade away.


(I want to fix this up, but it's 2:36 am and I've got nothing else.)

Hello, I’m Roon! Nice to meet you! I’m so surprised this hasn’t been reviewed yet! It’s really good! Anyways onto the reviewing before I praise you too much!

Serpentine snatches
and honey coated hands.
Place them on my feathers
and watch them pull apart.
Coat them on your body
like your heavy metal shield.

Why serpentine, and why a lion? You need to have a reason for the imagery you use. Also, there is the image of the sticky hands going on at the same time, so it gets rather a little much. Maybe you should stick to one image per stanza? It gets a little too much, like you’re just cramming as much as you can in here.

You stupid, cowardly lion.

I like the reference to the Wizard of Oz! Whether it's intentional or not!

Keep stealing little bits of me.
And add them to your wall.
You're a shallow cardboard cut-out;
there's nothing to you
but a cunning smile
and sticky hands.

Again, there are so many conflicting images here. They’re all great, but they don’t have enough room to breathe as they’re all squashed together.

Plagiarized personality
just look at you.
Or should I say me?
Because that's who you are;

I think you should make sure that the reader knows that you don’t hate yourself, but the way that this person has tried to copy them, resulting in a twisted broken version here.

a thief.

I like the way it’s on its own here, real emphasis here, nice!

There's nothing left,
you've run me dry;
I'm just an empty gorge.
I'm just a shadow,
a silhouette,
a semi-transparent film.
Push me aside --
who needs me anyways? --
just let me fade away.

You’re adding yet more images! Also I think you should have just one -- I would suggest putting it after anyways? and not aside. Just a thought.
Maybe you should place the “just let me fade away” on it’s own, so new stanza for effect.

Okay. So I think you should just one, maybe two of the images in the poem, and really expand on them and do them justice. They’re all really good, but they’re drowning each other, it can be distracting.

Apart from that, I really like the idea behind this poem, everyone hates having their identity stolen. You clearly portray a sense of desperation. Maybe you should add a touch of jealousy, show the reader that other people can’t see through the disguise. Your use of language and grammar is impeccable, the reader can really identify with your poem. I really enjoyed this, so thank you for posting! The idea of this poem leaves a vivid image in my head, and makes a real impression, which is often what poets lack, so well done!

If you post another PM me if you would like another review, because I really like your style! I hope I wasn’t too critical, if I have, or you have any questions, or another poem you need looking over, please let me know!

~ Roon