Fetus (1)

14 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2401
Reviews 95
Edited, though if you spot anything please leave a review :)


Fetus



Crying softly she turns her head away from the machine. I haven’t even looked yet, I don’t want to, instead I sit quietly by the metallic hospital bed, comforting her. The ugly white hospital sheets are pulled right up to her arms and the sobs send shakes through her body, even though it’s a warm August evening. I don’t need the machine to tell me though; all I have to do is look at her, to see where her stomach curves upwards and the skin stretches to its limits. Without hesitation I smooth my hand over the bump and she doesn’t try to stop me. It was routine.


It’s December, there’s a light dusting of frost on the patio and fairy lights are hung on every available wall. I’m sitting in the corner of the lounge on my favourite arm chair, reading the newspaper.
“John?”
I sigh, turning over the next page.
“John??”
I look up, annoyed. Kate stands in the doorway, her figure obscured by one of my heavy angora sweaters. Her bare limbs are almost porcelain and she fiddles with her wedding ring anxiously, something she does only when she’s nervous. I know it’s serious.
“Are you alright?”
She bites her lip and looks up at me, torn between a smile and a grimace.
“Yes...and No”
“Yes and No?” I put down the newspaper and look at her properly. Her eyes are red, puffy looking, she’s been crying.
“Umm... I think you should take a look at this”
Then her left fist uncurls, revealing a small white stick. I’ve watched enough TV sitcoms to know what it means, but I’ve never had to see one before. I try to keep my voice steady and even, but I can’t help but let it jump two or three octaves higher than I intended.
“Oh, so you’re...”
“Pregnant” she breathes, holding the stick to the light where two faint blue lines become visible.
I can’t contain myself any longer. Jumping off the arm chair I make the two metre gap between us in a single stride.
“I know, I know” she laughs, as I wrap my arms around her, cradling her head so her face is inches away from mine.
“I love you” I whisper, and I know I’ve never meant it more.
She presses her lips to mine and somewhere between kissing I slip my hand down to her stomach.


I know it’s happened because there’s no movement. No slight prod against the side of my hand or the jut against Kate’s stomach when she’d kick. The absence of life chills me to the core, it seems hopeless and empty. Everything is empty.
Kate takes my hand slowly and places it against her cheek instead “She’s not in there anymore”
“I know” I whisper.
The door judders clumsily as the doctor enters.
“Mrs Kent, Mr Kent” he nods meekly, a grave look in his eye. It’s one that all the doctor’s share whenever they see us, like a code of sympathy.
“I’m so sorry for your loss”
And then suddenly I feel angry, because it wasn’t just a loss. It was a life, a whole life. It was her lilac nursery, the old rocking chair that my wife would have sung her to sleep in, the pale pink sleep suits that would have fit snugly around each of her perfectly formed limbs.
Kate turns towards the doctor “What do I have to do” she says, her voice wavering.
The doctor relaxes quickly; he’s back in an area he’s comfortable with. “Well we have two options. We can either induce labour, in which the fetus will travel naturally down the birth canal or we can perform a c-section.”
I’m about to tell him that he’s crazy, that there’s no way my wife would want to give birth naturally. I want to punch for even suggesting it. But Kate speaks before me.
“Natural, I just want to do it Naturally”
I stare at her wordlessly.
“I want to be awake John. Awake when she’s...she’s...”
She struggles for a second and then falls silent and I feel like crying, or breaking something. Because Kate can’t say that word, she can’t finish that sentence. Our daughter will never be born, she’ll remain frozen, a fetus.
“Okay, It’s fine”
She takes a shaky breath “And you’ll be there?”
I don’t want to be there. I want to be anywhere else than there but I nod reassuringly. “Of course I’ll be there”
Last edited by ZaddieCaso on Sun Aug 16, 2009 3:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Jean-Paul Sartre




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10701
Reviews 356
Hi Zaddie! I'm Kat (in case you don't recall) and I'm here for a review!

Let's get this party rollin'!

I. Nitpicks

Crying softly she turns her head away from the machine. I haven’t even looked yet, I don’t want to, instead I sit quietly by the metallic hospital bed, comforting her.

I want to point out two things in these two lines.
1. First, if you add a comma after 'softly' it would be awesome ;)
2. It's a bit confusing, because you switched from third person to first person. Maybe I got it wrong, but please revise, because this way it makes it sound like you switched between points of view (it can be just a typo).

Without hesitation I smooth my hand over the bump and she doesn’t try to stop me. It was routine.

Comma after 'hesitation', dear.

“Pregnant” she breathes, holding the stick to the light where two faint blue lines become visible. [...]“I know, I know” [...]“I love you”

Dialogue punctuation alert! A comma is missing after 'pregnant', the second 'know' and 'I love you'.

I know it’s happened because there’s no movement.

Tense confusion. It should be 'it has happened'.

Kate takes my hand slowly and places it against her cheek instead “She’s not in there anymore”
“I know” I whisper.

Punctuation again. There should be a period after 'instead' and a comma after 'I know'. Check this article and this one. It will help you with the dialogue punctuation thingy, so I won't mention it anymore. Just revise the dialogue's punctuation ;)

he nods meekly, a grave look in his eye

Eye or eyes?

“Well we have two options.

Comma after 'well'.

I want to punch for even suggesting it.

There's a 'him' missing after 'punch'.

“I want to be awake John.

Comma after 'awake'.

“Okay, It’s fine”

No need to capitalize the 'It's'.

“Of course I’ll be there”

Period.

II.Overall
So, the one thing I enjoyed most about this was your emotion, I could feel sorry for Kate and John's sadness. So, really good job on that! The description you used, was good. Not too overwhelming, but not something a bit more of development will hurt. the details are good, how it was his favorite chair and all.
John's thoughts and feelings almost overwhelmed me, because I could totally relate to him even thought I haven't lost a child. Kate's character is a bit blur at the moment, but I'm sure you'll clean it up a bit.
The plot by this is a bit shaky, I'm not sure were you're going with this. Which could be good, sometimes! Maybe it's just a short story you decided to write or something. Wording was nice too. I only found mistakes as for punctuation and not grammar ;)

Hope I helped and feel free to PM me!
-Kat-
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

The Buddy System Check us out!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2527
Reviews 141
This was good. Most of what I noticed so far as nit-picks go was already said. My only complaint would be when it goes from the past to the present, there's no indication that the tense has changed, so it took me a minute to realize that the next line was back in the past.

*writewatiwant* already said most of what I noticed and thought. I too liked the emotion in this, and I'm not sure where the plot is going. To me it seems like you could make this a short story and end it here, but I do have some ideas floating through me head as to what happens next. Good job at getting me to want to read the next chapter. :P
So it goes.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1454
Reviews 17
Hello! I'll be reviewing your story today!
This story is very good for several reasons.
1.) You can definitely feel the emotions between the couple.
2.) You can vividly imagine what's going on.
3.) The writing style is very good.
I love being able to feel the emotion in the story. This would be a very sad action for anyone to experience and not many people would write about a baby dying, so it's very original. There are a few grammer mistakes her and there, but it seems as if other people have gotten them for you. I also really like how the point of view is from the father and not from the mother. This makes the story more original and more emotional because she would be daddy's little girl.
I think you have a wonderful story going here and I will love to read more. Please PM me when you get more. Thanks!

Sparkle




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2401
Reviews 95
Thank you so much to everyone that reviewed. Especially Kat, that really helped.

This was always going to be a mutlichapter fiction, so the next chapter should be up on the site soon.


Izzy
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Jean-Paul Sartre




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 3980
Reviews 18
okay first off..

Are you still trying to make me cry?
The thing which hit me most about this piece was the huge amount emotion that hit the reader, from the very first line. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were writing from experience... anything to tell me Izzy?

Only problem I could see, was that it wasn't clear when you came back to the hospital scene, after the pregnancy test..

Please tell me when you post the next chapter!
Beth xx
Ever seen a blind man cross the road
Trying to make the other side?
Ever seen a young girl growing old
Trying to make herself a bride? - Handbags and gladrags




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1068
Reviews 582
Where are your commas? I must know. Have they run off and hidden from you?

“I know, I know” she laughs

You do this a lot. A lot, a lot. It was a thorn in my side, a thorn, I tell you! Should look like this, always and forever: “I know, I know,” she laughs.

As for the rest of the piece, I loved it. The emotion was represented quite well, and I enjoyed the flashback. I made the story that much more personal seeing your MC's memory of that moment.

There's one other thing I wanted to point out before I skip out of here:

“I’m so sorry for your loss”


She hasn't died yet. I don't think a real doctor would be saying this until the actual passing has taken place. And I also don't believe a medical team would give up on someone so easily. It's extremely rare that a woman would die in labor these days, and the situation needs to be uttrly impossible. You didn't give us enough detail on that aspect, I feel.

Well, that's all for now. Hope I helped you, and keep writing!

KJ




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2401
Reviews 95
You got the wrong end of the stick KJ, the woman isn't going to die. Her baby died inside her and she has to deliver it still born.

Thanks for the review,

Izzy
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Jean-Paul Sartre




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1068
Reviews 582
ZaddieCaso wrote:You got the wrong end of the stick KJ, the woman isn't going to die. Her baby died inside her and she has to deliver it still born.

Thanks for the review,

Izzy


Ah, I see. My mistake. I was reading quickly, so I'm sorry I missed that detail. Excellent work, Zaddie




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6183
Reviews 73
Hello, I just wanted to say this is expertly written and that you really portrayed the emotions clearly and well. Basically everything I've wanted to say has been taken, from nit-picks to comments of how great it was, so I just wanted to chip on how I feel about it :)
Anyway, I'm going to defintitely be looking for the next chapter! See you!

~Kate~
Have you ever smelled sunshine? Have you tasted the color orange? I know how you can... post880303.html#p880303

This is a gift. It comes with a price.
Who is lamb and who is the knife?
-Florence and the Machine




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1633
Reviews 53
Congrats, I'm crying now, happy? This is exceptionally good. The atmosphere and emotion is so tragic. It was very flowy but the flashback was very awkward for me. Why did she say "I know, I know" in the flashback? I would have liked a little more in the flashback. I can't say much more... I'm on the look out for chapter two!

Awake
I shall but love thee better after death.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 5536
Reviews 41
Hey Izzy :) I just had a random thought, so, Question: why is your name on yws ZaddieCaso?
Anyway, review...

Ah I love this.

I like the way the names are really simple, because its like you've taken a normal, everyday couple and made something that seems so devastating (but is actually pretty common in relation to the effect it has on people) happen in their lives.

Also i like the way the story moves on quickly, its never too slow, and something seems to be happening every second. I think the flashbacks could make it confusing though... you said you were going to alternate veiwpoint between chapters i think, but i would alternate veiwpoint during the flashbacks, to make the difference between them clearer.

I dont do grammer and language etc, you know me, but overall i think the whole mood fits.
One thing though: When he gets angry, why doesnt he do anything about it? If my child had died, especially if my wife was going to give birth to it naturally. I think he should probably leave at some point, and so she is left to question the doctor alone, because it focuses on her vulnerability more than his, and obviously she is the more vulnerable one in the situation.

He needs to come back though...

All in one, a very confusing review :) but a very good chapter

Ella
x
I am not talking about the person you would die for. I am talking about to the person you would live for.

-------




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2401
Reviews 95
Okay, Thank you soo much to everyone how has posted and helped me improve this, I'm very great-full.

I'm just putting the next chapter on now so check it out, tell me what you think. Now the main reason the flashback was confusing was because the italics didn't work, I'd just like to clarify that. And I'm sorry Ella but I'm not going to change view points, this story will always be from the fathers point of view.

I do actually have two more chapters that are finished but I was gonna wait a while before I put them on,

peace!


Izzy
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Jean-Paul Sartre




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 5536
Reviews 41
oh good :)

Xx
I am not talking about the person you would die for. I am talking about to the person you would live for.

-------



I would be a terrible novel protagonist.
— mellifera