The House Next To Mine

Okay, I found this in my room the other day, I went over it and made a few changes, and now I think it's good enough to put up. Correct me if I'm wrong

I should warn you that it's depressing.

Okay, here we go...

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The House Next To Mine

He falls into the trap every night
I hear the crash, the screaming, the fight
The father cares for none but himself
In the house next to mine.

The little boy he cries every time
Victim of such evil at nine
And I don't dare to try and help
In the house next to mine.

Last night I heard the child ask why
His dad decided he had to die
This was the card the poor boy was dealt
In the house next to mine.

Three weeks and no-one knows of the crime
There barely lies a singular sign
I was too scared to stop the living hell
In the house next to mine.

He could've been saved, could've been helped
If I had cared for him above myself
He could've been saved, could've been helped
Could've been fine
After a while
Could've been saved, could've been helped
If I had cared for him above myself
He could've been saved

Saved from the house next to mine.

WOW. I knew from the start that you were a good writer. You see, one of the way you

need to write lyrics the way you do. You had a theme, you explained what was wrong,

why it was wrong, and what you could do to stop this.Also it sounded like a rap song. For

a rap song this lyric was really good. Usually rappers write about sleeping with hoes and

shooting other gangsters. If it was rock lyrics that is still cool.

Well, this had a good intention, I'm sure. However, the song was sort of lacking in emotion. That is just how I, as a reader, felt, and to you, this song may be loaded down with emotion. You just need to convey it.

Child abuse is a very sensitive, but powerful topic that a lot of people can relate to and it really doesn't take much to inject emotion into, because it's already there. You have to tap into the underlying hurt and pain and, in this case, guilt and pound it into the hearts of your readers/listeners. People should be crying after they read this piece.

I'd suggest adding a chorus and even more verses, with more imagery and depiction of what the person witnessed/heard/knew. And later, you should go more in depth about the agonizing grief and guilt the person is feeling for not having spoken out.

I feel as though the ending wasn't proper. It wasn't official. It was just sort of like, he died, I could have saved him. The end. No emotion, no closure.

Overall, this was a good, strong piece with a powerful foundation and the potential to be great and moving.

Keep working at it!
PM me if you have any questions!

-Jocelyn.

Wow. That was really moving I love it. If you put it to a slow song it may even bring tears to your eyes.
It reminds me of some lyrics to a song I was thinking of posting up so maybe I will adapt it like you did and post it. Anyway I thought it was great, it wuld be a great song for a musical or it could be made into a poem.

~Lydia