Strange love

Thank you all for your reviews.They were very helpful.

Hi, it's Mo. here as requested!

It was a great feeling. Love, an amazing chemical reaction in the brain was happening to him after many years.Lovely feelings in your brain makes you feel like you are on top of the world.

You need a space after every full stop. xD
In the third sentence you have written: Lovely feelings - I think this is a bit more telling than showing, and it's a bit repetitive seeing as you have used "love" in the previous sentence. Try something like: warm, or amazing.

When you have been single till the age of fifteen any pretty girl can give you that charged feeling of love.

I don't know why being single until the age of fifteen would make him fall in love an easier. Is it just me?

The lovestruck boy met this girl staying just a few blocks away when she recently joined his group of friends. He really did not know that he was in love with her until his friends started pulling his leg nearly every time.He was slowly, but clearly, beginning to understand what was happening.Still, he lived in his state of denial for a few weeks, despite his friends discussing the similarities between this lovestruck teen and his new found crush to convince him that they were right.But.... they really were right.Friends know you better than anyone.

Spaces are needed after full-stops. xD

He sometimes really wondered if he could have her and if she felt the same way but no indications came from her side. He was way too nervous to confess his feelings for her.Afterall...he never had done such a thing before. There always looms a fear of emotional mess when you need to confess you’re love to someone who becomes your friend.People some times tell you to listen to you're heart in such situations,not you're head.This was totally different.His heart and head both said he didn't stand a chance; "don't event try".Being in love,he obviously disagreed.

I like the way you've said how his heart and his head were telling him the same thing; don't even try. xD
(Spaces after full-stops).

Inaction reigned supreme.Our ever doubting teenager just lay there, just watching, as life repeatedly gave him the opportunities to achieve his deep desire.Opportunity was banging on his door hard,yet he didn't open the door."How would you know if you don't even try?" voices from inside told him.But sometimes,we just don't want to give it a chance.Nervous,he just sat still- watching her, as she frequently came down to meet the group of friends.

"Our ever-doubting teenager", I think should be "The ever-doubting teenager".

As time passed by he was beginning to lose his feelings and the strangest form of love took over him. She sure did cause his heartbeat to rise, she sure did make him feel alive, but, only when she was not around. He loved her, but only as a fantasy. He somehow could never come to understand himself and what really stopped him. “Why is a man only suppose to initiate such matter? Emotional mess would be far less if it were the other way round”. He recollected her face whenever he saw a pretty teenage girl. He knew her birthday way before it was due…still why could he not let her know?

I like this bit. It's cute.

Tired of his nervous behaviour,opportunity left his doors to never knock on it again.

Nice metaphor. I like it.

This is how it happened:

I think this takes a lot away from the story. It's very factual and straight to the point. You don't really even need it there.

One fine day, she announced to the group that she was leaving the city and moving into the suburbs which meant she could not see the group friends so often.

"The group" - it sounds so...? Try something like: One fine day, she announced to their friends...

He knew he would miss her.

He kept getting excited when she came over to visit once in few weeks thinking “This is it, grab your chance”. But again…it just lasted till he met her in person.

This is nice, I like the way it shows us his emotions and flaws.

This had to stop.

This sounds a bit like you are forcing the character, and have made his mind up for him. Maybe: He knew this had to stop, (so we know that it was definitely his decision).

Frustrated at his pathetic situation , he finally crushed his feeling and cursed himself for building a dream world.

This makes me sad, but I like it. xD

His brain and heart were always right.But love knows no common sense.

I love this line! It's so deep. xD

But from the inside he still feels calm………no more of her playing around in his brain.A chance to finally "move on" for real.

He "still" feels calm? You don't really need the still there, because it makes it sound like he was never in love with her.

He was free once and for all.

Sad, but pretty.

Overall:
I really liked it. It makes me wish that they ended up together, but it's very real in the fact that they don't. I really like it, keep writing. xD

~Mo.

Wow, you have quite a few reviews on this one. But anyway, here I am, as requested!

OK, I noticed some verb tense changes. It's very common among writers, and it's very challenging to overcome it. So this is what I suggest: try using just past tense, since the majority of the story is told in that tense. And instead of saying,

When you have been single till the age of fifteen any pretty girl can give you that charged feeling of love.

you could say: 'This fifteen-year-old got smitten with a pretty girl.' I don't know exactly what you meant by your sentence, so I hope my sentence works out with you; but you could change it up, as long as the tense is still the past.

Also, you changed perspectives, or points of view. In the story, you use 'he', 'you', and 'our'. That's 3rd, 2nd, and 1st person, in their respective orders. For this particular piece, I'd use 3rd, because most of the story is from that perspective already, and you can easily change the other sentences. For example--

'Friends know you better than anyone.'

You could instead say: 'His friends knew him better than anyone else.' or something like that.

"don't event try"

The 'event' should be 'even'.

Other mistakes have been pointed out already.

Anyway, this was a pretty cool piece! I liked your use of figurative language; it was creative and very cool! Romance, hehe...not my best topic, but I'm a lot better at reviewing fiction than poetry/nonfiction. Anyway, thank you so much for replying to my reviews thread. You're the first one. Please let me know if you post another piece like this one; I'd love to review it!

So many reveiws! Hah, well here I am as requested anyways.

My first big nit-pick is that often you missed having spaces after your periods and commas. It just kind of annoyed me is all.

I thought this whole piece was adorable! It is very true to what "young love" or "puppy love" is. And the whole building a fantasy thing, very good.

I don't realy think your characters need expanded on because it isn't specific to one person. Yes, you use only one character, but it refers to young people in love in general. Your characters are good how they are.

Hope I've helped some, even though what I said may have been said before. And thanks for replying to my thread!

Keep up the good work!

-Lauren

Hey there Young Gun. Lily here as asked.
A lot of people definitely covered the grammar issues but I would still like to hit on a few subjects.

Opening Line

It was a great feeling. Love, an amazing chemical reaction in the brain was happening to him after many years. Lovely feelings in your brain makes you feel like you are on top of the world.

Honestly, YG, this isn’t the catchiest opening. Good hooks need to really grab a reader by the throat, beat him with a piece of cooked salmon, and then shove them into the story. Or you can be nice and lure them in with something that grabs their curiosity. Generally, when righting romance, you’ll want to use the nicer way. Take a look at this opening paragraph from William Faulkner’s short story Rose for Emily that I found in the short story database.

William Faulkner wrote: When Miss Emily Grierson died, our whole town went to her funeral: the men through a sort of respectful affection for a fallen monument, the women mostly out of curiosity to see the inside of her house, which no one save an old man-servant—a combined gardener and cook—had seen in at least ten years.

See, doesn’t it make you curious and want to read on. You want to know about that house. And you'll want to know about Miss Emily. You have to make your reader want to read on to find out why this story of love is worth reading about.

Characters
They are definitely very flat. You don’t always have to name a character, I’ve done it before but you have to remember to keep a character distinct. A name is often what gives a character distinction but if you aren’t going to use a name, you still have to make sure that your characters shine through.
Also, right now, we know nothing about these characters. And because we can’t even visualize them (particularly the girl) then we don’t really have much of a connection with either of them.

Overall
To be honest, the way the emotion is conveyed and seems to radiate, he doesn’t really seem to be ‘in love’ it makes it feel more like a ‘crush’ than anything else. Crushes can be easy to get over. Love really aches. Believe you me.

Take time to read other stories about romance and see how other people convey love. If you ever need a review or if you have any questions, you know how to find me.

~lilymoore

Hey young gun!
Pink here, as requested.
So I'm going to start off by just pointing a few things out. I haven't read the previous reviews for this, so I'm sorry if I repeat thing others have stated before.

The lovestruck boy met this girl staying just a few blocks away when she recently joined his group of friends.

From what I can tell, you have a very poetic way of writing and I think you should let that show more. In this sentence I think you shouldn't describe the girl as 'this' give her an adjective. The boy is lovestruck so what is she?
***Just a pet peeve but I think you should space after your periods.

Still, he lived in his state of denial for a few weeks, despite his friends discussing the similarities between this lovestruck teen and his new found crush to convince him that they were right.But.... they really were right.Friends know you better than anyone.

The repetition of "they were/really right" bothers me a little. Maybe change that up?

He sometimes really wondered if he could have her and if she felt the same way but no indications came from her side.

I think you should loose the 'really' here.

There always looms a fear of emotional mess when you need to confess you’re love to someone who becomes your friend.

"your" not "you're"

People some times tell you to listen to you're heart in such situations,not you're head.

note the above.

Opportunity was banging on his door hard,yet he didn't open the door

Watch out for repetitions, they can be annoying. change the second door to "it".
____________________________________
Overall, this piece was pretty good. I liked it.
It was just a short story describing what a boy went through in order to confess his love. But honestly, I don't get the ending. I have no idea what exactly happened, weather he gave up or he confessed to her. *puzzled*
I think you should try to clear up the ending a bit.
Also, watch out for your repetition. Another thing, work on building your characters. I know a little bit about the boy in here but honestly I don't know anything about the girl, what aspect of her does he like so much? I mean I don't think guys fall 'in love' with girls just because they're beautiful. I mean there's got to be something other than her appearance that he likes. Since this is short you really need to work on releasing their character. What kind of people are they?
Little sentences can get you so far, so using correct words and descriptions can build a very strong character in just a few lines.
Well, that's all...
You did pretty well for your first time, keep up the good work.
See you around,

~Pink

Due to the fact that their were so many reviews already I decided that I will just offer some positive thoughts. First I enjoy the occasional romance and this one was a great read. Although I do think it was short it seemed to end in just the right place. The ending is arguable however as some people said above me. As for emotion you expressed it very well in this short narrative. I'm sorry if I do not offer any solid advice I'm just trying to avoid saying the same things others have already told you.

Overall great job I really enjoyed it and hopefully you will post more in this section soon.