A Bit Too Late

"How could you not have known my feelings for you?" I demanded of him. "I made it so plain, so obvious." Or at least I thought I had. It seemed like I remembered giving him all the clues: the sweet accidental touches, the need to always be near him., and of course the looks I gave him. I know I must've always been staring at his beautiful face, waiting for him to notice me.
A tear began to roll down my cheek, at first burning hot and then so quickly it was cold, as if it were mimicking our love. If only I had actually voiced my true feelings; oh, where we might be now! When I looked up at him I could see in his eyes that he was rolling around the same kind of thoughts deep within his head.
"So many years we have lost then..." A sad smile crossed his lips as his voice began to falter. "I...I've loved you for so long. Dreamt of you; imagined it was you in my arms as I was holding her." Looking at my hands as he took them into his, his face became very somber. He didn’t look up as he spoke the words that would kill me, "But I cannot forsake her, for she has done nothing wrong. She has done nothing but love a man whose heart is, and has always been yours."
At that moment as he looked up into my eyes, my legs began to crumple beneath me. The room was spinning. I sensed myself sinking to the ground in a slow reeling decent. He caught me up in his arms and pushed me against the wall, crushing his lips against mine. His hands left my body burning with desire, desire that I had suppressed for so long. For that one moment I felt as if I were floating. Whether it was from lack of oxygen or something else, I’ll never know. All too quickly he pulled away, leaving me shaky and exhausted. We stood silently staring at each other; our breathing erratic.
I watched as little-by-little a blanket of affliction wound itself tightly around his being. He opened his mouth to speak, apologize perhaps, but I stopped him quickly.
“Please,” I pleaded, “there’s no need. Please. Just go.”
His eyes, once warm and passionate became cold, emotionless... Those lips that had just been so tender with my own hardened into a strait line that was his mouth. Clenching his fists to his sides he did an about-face and hurriedly made his way out of my life. I could feel all the hope that I had held on to evacuate my heart, leaving nothing but destruction and disorder behind.

I really liked it. I think you should write more. But that is always your option.

[quote="Caitlin Crowder"]"How could you not have known my feelings for you?" I demanded of him. "I made it so plain, so obvious." the lower case i needs to be a cap.

"How many years have we lost..." A sad smile crossed his lips as his voice began to crack. "I...Ive loved

Ive needs to have a ' after I.

Other than that there were no mistakes=]..

--Jessie.

The always needing to be near him.

This sentence is quite confusing. Maybe try it this way: The need to always be with him; wasn't it evident that I needed him, so?

And of course the looks i gave him.

Never ever start a sentence with the words and or but. Maybe try to fix it like this: Of course the look i gave him should have been the strongest clue. Also the I needs to be captitalized

I know I mustve always been staring at his beautiful face, waiting for him to notice me.

Mustve should have an apostroph between the t and v.

A tear began rolling down my cheek, hot and then so quickly cold.

This seems a bit confusing to me. maybe switch it around like this: A tear began rolling down my cheek. At first burning with frustration, then cold as ice.

If only I had actually voiced my true feelings; oh where we might be now?

You didn't ask a question so there is no need for a question mark. .

Dreampt of you; imagined you in my arms when it was really her."

Dreamt is spelled without the p.

"But I cannot forsake her, for she has done nothing wrong. She has done nothing but love a man whose heart is, and has always been yours.

What an amazing ending great job

Overall: This was very good. Maybe next time you could show his side of this same situation? And all of the above where I switch around sentences are just suggestions you never have to actually do them. it is your work, and it was very good

I hope my review was helpful

Have a great day
tiffany

This was great.
You did a good job of conveying the emotions of your characters, and in only a paragraph or two you had me hooked on your plot. Which by the way, you should expand upon; I think this would be a great story if you explored it a bit and added some length to it.

Also, the last part was a bit awkward. Maybe that's how you meant it to be, but I thought it could do with some polishing.

"His eyes, once warm and passionate became cold, emotionless... Those lips that had just been so tender with my own hardened into a strait line that was his mouth. Clenching his fists to his sides he did an about-face and hurriedly made his way out of my life. I could feel all the hope that I had held on to evacuate my heart, leaving nothing but destruction and disorder behind."

Maybe something like this:

"His eyes, so warm and passionate moments before, deadened and turned cold...
Those lips that had just been so tender with my own hardened into a straight line. A look of understanding passed between us; and was gone.
Clenching his fists, he turned and walked out of my life. As he left, I felt all the hope that I had been holding to evacuate my heart, leaving nothing but despair and disorder behind."

I dunno, I probably just butchered it.
And I always hate it when people do that to my stuff!
Mayhaps I helped in some way?

But overall I really liked your story and the characters were very believable.
Keep writing!

Wow! I really like this better. I think you should deffintley write more. You have a good start of a book right now! And if you ever do right it more like a book I will deff. love it<3. So i hope you write more!! Your like a really good book writer. I really really hope you write more!!

--Jessie.