Young Writers Society

Does anyone know
the feelings I hide?

Does anyone see
the tears I cry?

Can anyone feel
this pain inside?

If you don't know,
If you don't see,
If you don't feel

Then your just the same
as everyone else,
playing this game

The Game of Life.

Hey, Flower~Child! This is James. It's apparent that you're trying to get some feelings out here, and it seems like you write of something many people can relate to. However, it's difficult to have your readers relate to you if you aren't specific enough. All I can say about this piece (other than the fact that the fourth-to-last line's "your" should be "you're") is that it's quite short and very general. "If you don't know" "If you don't see" and "If you don't feel" could all have specific phrases afterwards. Like "If you don't know what I'm dealing with", or "If you don't see the turmoil I face"...just something to make it a little more interesting to read. You do have some good points, it's easy to see a lot of people as exactly the same way when they're apathetic towards your feelings.

Keep writing! :]

--- James

This poem was about normal people who need to be somebody else to get attention because nobody listens to them,[if I got this write].

Whenever you do write such a poem you must keep in mind that it is a common topic,so,you need to makes this unique and different from the rest.What you have to do is show deeper emotions of the narrator to make his/her point understood well.There should be such deepness in the poem that it can move the reader.Otherwise its just like the similar themed poems with the narrator crying like a baby for affection,understanding, and attention.Show how the world's indifference is killing him/her.

Don't take this harshly.

Good luck.

Thank you very much! I really do need to do that to this so I will try and see what I come up with and post it later.

Hi Flower Child! I'm Kat *shakes hand* and I'm here for a review!

Let's get into it!

I'd like to point out a thing I know must seem minor but it will just transmit indifference.

Does anyone know
the feelings i hide?

I really do need to do that to this so I will try and see what I come up with and post it later.

The first quote is from your poem and the second is from your reply to the reviews. What is there in common, or in difference? Well, you see, in your reply you actually capitalized the I's, while in your poem you didn't. That told me you didn't gave your poem a minor careful look, and that you put more thought into your reply than your poem (which I'm sure you didn't). Please think about that. When you write a poem you put your soul into words and it's not just something you write in a hurry and then post here.

In this poem, the thing I was most impressed with has to be your punctuation since I quite enjoyed it But as for depth, as for meaning and originality, I saw nothing new. Don't take me wrong, if you see my portfolio my early poems were like this -- simple, without nothing new or a scent of imagery. As young gun has mentioned, originality in a very used theme is crucial. If you don't bring anything new to the theme, why did you write it if you can read something like that anywhere? That is not what you must want for a poem of yours. The first two lines are very overused, the concept that no one sees you like you are and that your tears are merely invisible to everyone but yourself. You could bring so much more into it! I'm sure your capable of turning this poem into something so new and mind blowing, that I would definitely enjoy reading it. I have read some of your reviews, specially on poetry, and your point of view tells me you have much more to say that what you put in this.

The Game of Life.

I think that the caps here aren't necessary, since I feel you're putting too much emphasis on this than what it really needs. The line is strong enough without all the caps in there


As someone has mentioned, the poem is too general. If you give a bit more length, I'm sure you can put some metaphors in and more depth to it. Make me feel it! Make me see your tears and understand why nobody else sees them. Make me mad at everyone for ignoring me and for playing the game of life! <--- Imagery, a nice thing that would certainly help you with this.

Hope I helped, and I'm sure you're capable of turning this around! Questions? PM me.
-Kat-

I like it, I like the rhyme and I like the the fact that is isn't that spesific, that way the reader can make up his or her own answers to their own feelings. I think the end is a bit short and abrubt though, but over all, nice.

Mmkay. Hi, Flower! KL here. I'll review you for today.


First off...

Flower~Child wrote:Does anyone know
the feelings I hide?

Does anyone see
the tears I cry?

Can anyone feel
this pain inside?

I'd tell you at once: cliche. Now, how many millions of writers have I seen using those very lines? 1) It's overrated, 2) it's cliche, 3) it isn't specific at all, 4) it makes it hard to relate, even though you used general language. Why? You know what they say about 'general' language... It can portray and put across more clearly than deep, flowery language, just because it is more simple. But these lines just muddles it all up.

Why?

We just can't relate. You sound like you're complaining instead of appealing to the reader. It's not good. And how are we going to understand if you don't elaborate why you are in pain? Why are you crying? What are these feelings? What kind of pain are you feeling? It just doesn't make sense. I know you were going for an emotional start, but frankly, it didn't work for me.

I would applaud you greatly if you find something more profound to replace those overused lines. Really, it doesn't do your poem any good. It makes this poem seem like its one of those 'Emo' poems, and it seems like its just another frustrated teenager complaining about why life is so unfair, boohoohoo. Well, we're fed up with these kind of themes. They are not popular because they're good. They are popular because they're annoying.

Trust me, it is better to omit these lines and find something more subtle to insert over there.

Flower~Child wrote:If you don't know,
If you don't see,
If you don't feel

Then your just the same
as everyone else,
playing this game

The Game of Life.

Why? You keep us asking. Why are we the same? Simply put, this poem is cliched, and the message is blurry. What is it that you are really trying to tell us? I'd be glad to have answers soon. I was glad this poem was quite short. I would have skimmed right through it if it was any longer. It was okay, I mean, but not really my cup of tea. It just didn't stand out.


Thank you for reading this. See you around. Hope that helped. :]


~ KL

Thank you for the review. I will work on a reason for those lines and make it a poem and then I will post it up.

I really like this poem. I though it had meaning and emotion. I can relate to it. The only thing I really have to say is could it be a little longer?

Hm, it's a very good start. I think that the 'game of life' would be hiding those things, more than anything. We all have very similar knowledge and feelings, yet we never realize it because... we don't share these things.

Flower~Child wrote:Does anyone know

the feelings I hide?



Does anyone see

the tears that I cry?



Can anyone feel

this pain inside? I think it would flow better if you added one more syllable here. For example, " This pain deep inside."



If you don't know,

If you don't see,

If you don't feel



Then you're just the same

as everybody else,

playing this game.



The Game of Life.

I think you have a good idea, but you need to be more creative with it. This isn't a topic that should be simple, in my opinion. You need to give us more emotions and possibly some imagery. Keep writing!