A Splendid Agony

I would have made it PG-13, but just to be safe, I made it R. Rated for some graphic things, and brief language. I apologize for the length. It's basically just some thoughts written around 5:00 a.m. Go easy. :]


A Splendid Agony

Sunshine, tulips, candy, roses,
gifts tied-up with pretty bows and
dandelions, daisies, chocolate,
skipping stones out by the dock with
pretty girls who wear nice dresses,
bubble gum and late-night breakfast,
driving to the beach with buddies,
doing work and earning money,
fresh-cut grass and watermelon,
shallow ponds where you once fell in,
applesauce and midnight movies,
(“The Ring” and “Halloween”, “The Goonies”),
kissing, holding, letting go, and
making angels in the snow, and
cocoa with a heat that’s just right,
narrowly avoiding frost-bite,
driving to a far-away beach,
finding out your girl’s a skanky
cheater, what an awkward ride home,
she’s off snogging, you’re all alone.

Contemplating suicide, and
sweat drips from your neck, and inside
something burns, you think of acid,
“Stomach acid…” “Doing acid…”
Tobacco, pot, weed, whatever,
call it what you like, but Heather
still tried it that autumn evening,
at that party, upon leaving,
“Don’t drive!” no one tried to sway her.
Drove into an oak tree later.
Didn’t cry for help, but laughing,
was too high to notice that her
seatbelt had remained untouched, and
thirty feet away she clutched her
wounds caused by her wrong behavior,
tell me, where’s your Lord, your Savior?
Things like this, and others, make one
think of how God has forsaken
all his children, fucking, fighting,
killing, raping, stealing, crying,
burning houses to the ground, with
cigarettes that, lit, were bound to
poison lungs and livers and all,
effects alike with alcohol.
Use and abuse, they’re both the same,
but not what advertisements claim,
“Drink responsibly!” disclosures
justify preventing sober
men and women living happy,
and you know, it might be sappy
talking of the loss of loved ones,
it’s much easier to hate some.
Pop icons sell sex to masses,
talent-less, they shake their asses.
While condoms break, abortions save
the lives of countless teens today –
a paradoxical result
of sucking guts and breaking skulls,
and unavoidable they are,
the negatives leave monstrous scars,
but without them how would we see
how lucky we can truly be?

There are always flowers to sniff,
Teddies to kiss and girls to miss,
cotton candy, bumper cars, and
lying underneath the stars, and
lollipops with chocolate centers,
Cheerios, cherry-red Fenders,
swimming, biking, making friends,
typing love notes, hitting “Send”, and
reading, writing, learning and such,
Sight, sound, smell, taste, and of course, touch.
All the senses thrive together,
working at their best, but Heather
lost a few before her death, and
struggling, had no more breath.
Delightful, yes, this life can be,
and such a splendid agony.

Oh my god. Best poem I've ever read. No exaggeration. On YWS and anywhere else, literally. I just love it, the idea the rhtyhum, everything. I'm gonna have to point out something to improve but i personally wouldn't change anything. wow.

The third stanza gets a little complicated at the end. The wordings there I just a got confused and lost myself slightly.

There you go, that's my best as something to improve. Kind of sucks doesn't it? To be honest I wouldn't change anything. I mean, this has depth!

Pm if you write anything more like this, I would be more than happy to read it.

Izzy

Hey,

I didn't know you where so poetic! This was very emotional and touching! Everything just running wild like those in the context of the poem. this is really good!

Congrats!

fresh-cut grass and watermelon,

shallow ponds where you once fell in,

Haha. remember that time and that place where we talked about this?
when was that? oh yeah today good times. good times.

While condoms break, abortions save

the lives of countless teens today –

my favourite line of the entire thing
:}

for five in the morning it wasn't that bad.

Another nice one dear, you deserve this: *claps*!

I love the imagery, that it almost amused me at first. I had no idea where it would lead to. The twist gave the whole thing a punch, made it interesting.

So full of emotion, I seriously had water in my eyes after reading it. The best part of it for me, was that it had a lot of social significance. It had a lot of depth in it. Poems with that much depth isn't common nowadays, so I compliment you on that.

Keep writing! :]

:] Thanks, all of you, so much. I had no idea this would actually be liked. =D!
You've all made my day. My past two days, actually.

Hey Jimmy,

So, like I already mentioned, my poetry editing skills are about as good as my poetry writing skills. That is to say, not good. So, I'm not going to get really critical (as I don't know how).

First, I liked the not quite there rhyme and rhythm. It reminds me of a Switchfoot song for some reason (Daisy--ya know that one?). Very mellow and soothing, though the topic isn't very much so.

Second, I agree with Izzy about the third stanza. Though the idea about Heather was cool, it didn't quite work (for me anyways). I liked how it was very general and about culture, but when you brought it back to the specific, I only followed along grudgingly. Actually, it seems to me that the Heather story and the rest of the poem were two different things. Maybe you could try that out?

“Don’t drive!” no one tried to sway her.

Drove into an oak tree late

Liked this line muchly.

Also the second line that elle pointed out.

Verrah nice. *applauds*

-Maggie

The only place I can really find fault with was where it just sort of took a very dark turn very fast. One line, you have butterflies and daisies and such, and then you're onto cheating, drugs and abortions. Perhaps this could benefit from a smoother transition.

However, it was otherwise fantastic. You went from small individual problems to deeply personal to eventually encompassing society as a whole, which sort of impressed me, actually. The flow was interesting in the way it left each line at a slightly different place in each phrase. I was most taken with the rhythm. I was sort of dancing while I read it.

All in all, didn't suck.

Very nice.
But there are a couple of problems.
The first paragraph is all happy, but then you start talking about corruption and condoms, it's a bit confusing.
Secondly, it feels a bit condescending, how stupid young people our and today's society, I know that your trying to get your veiw across but this can come across as arognat and snobby.
It's really, really dark. It makes me feel like there is no hope. I know it is very important not to sugarcoat matters and telling things raw is very important but it still feels like a cynical, sad piece. And you loose points with me for that.
But, don't get me wrong, I think your a very talented writer and I do like this piece.
Putting speech in there gives it a edge.
Listing a list of objects, like in the first line, was a very smart thing to do and makes it flow better.
It flows really well. You have a skill with that. I practically rolls on my tongue.
Great rhythm. It rhymes in parts but not so much that it's bland. two thumbs up in this aspect.
An altogether great use of language.
Beside some things this is a great piece, well done
Keep writing like you mean it.

Vera

Hello! So, to start this off I am terrible at writing and critiquing poetry, but I'm going to give it a go.

As some people above said that they didn't like the switch from the happy, cheerful mood to the more serious, soul depressing one and then back once again, I have to say that I loved it. I do think that a few of the chosen words could be taken out, such as the "skanky cheater" part. I feel like it was just something added into the poem to fill space. I think you created a very well written contrast between the beautiful gifts in life and the inescapable tragedies. At first, the sudden change caught me completely off guard and I almost wanted to stop reading, but as I continued I realized how deeply thought this may have been. You weren't afraid to mention some very strong issues, such as abortion, drugs, death and abuse. The last line was the perfect way to sum it up, I think. A job well done,

Michelle