Four Girls; One Story (5)

~Chapter 5~
Landan got up from his seat and headed toward the girl he was dieing to talk to. When he sat next to her he got nervous but he looked at her and smiled. She looked at him and smiled back.
"Hi," Landan said giving out his shaky hand, "I'm Landan."
"Hi, I'm Alex," Alex said shaking his hand, "You were the one with Charlie right?"
"Yes, that would be me." Landan said.
"Oh, well it's nice to meet you." Alex said getting a little awkward and confused that he was talking to her.
"You too." He said.
"Have you always lived here?" She asked remembering that she's never seen him with Charlie.
"No, I just moved here a week ago." He said, "I used to live in Timmis, Ontario."
"Oh, really?" Alex said.
"Yeah, I've been wanting to move so I decided to move here since Charlie does." He said, "We've been friends since childhood."
"Do you do anything at all?" She asked trying to start a conversation.
"Yeah, I'm a singer actually." He said giving a little smile.
"Are you really?" Alex asked getting excited.
"Yeah, I've been a singer since I was about 15." He said.
"Do you have any CD's out at all?" She asked getting interested.
"I do have a EP out and a t-shirt." He said more relaxed now.
"That's really cool. I would love to hear it sometime and look at your shirt." She said smiling.
"Great! I'll come over sometime and lend you it." He said smiling also.
"Are you going to church on Sunday?" She asked.
"Yeah, I think so." He said thinking for a second.
"Why don't you just bring at church on Sunday and we'll listen to it there?" She asked.
"Sure!" He said.
"Alright." She said getting butterflies in her stomach, "I can't wait."
"Yeah, I hope you enjoy it." He said starting to get a little nervous for her to hear it.
"Oh, I'm sure I will." She said giving a smile. He gave a little blush and smiled also. They started to chat for a while when they noticed that mostly everyone was gone and Charlie came up to them,
"Hey Landan. We should head out now."
"Oh, what time is it?" He asked looking at the clock.
"Midnight." He said.
"Oh, really? I didn't know it was that late." He said looking at Alex and giving a laugh. He sat up and Alex joined him.
"Well, it was really nice talking to you Alex." He said, "I hope we can get to know each other better soon."
"Yeah, I'd like that too." She said smiling, "Don't forget that CD for Sunday."
"I won't." He said laughing, "Bye."
"Bye." Alex waved watching him and the Andrew's leave the house. Once everyone was out of the house they all met in the living room.
"That was a lot of fun." Ali said flopping down on the couch, "But now I'm really tired."
"Yeah, that was. We should do it more often." Macey said sitting down also.
"There was quite a few people." James said, "But it was great catching up with our old friends."
"Yes, that was very nice." Leslie said taking a sip of her tea.
"So, Alison, this Ben guy seems nice..." James said looking at her with a little smile.
"Haha, very funny." Ali said.
"What?" He said trying to look innocent.
"I know what you're thinking Dad but I'm pretty sure that will never happen." Ali said.
"Ok, but I just want you to know that if anything does happen, that he has to come through me first." James said pounding his fist into his other hand. Ali gave a laugh and said,
"Don't worry Dad, I'll let you know but it won't happen." Everybody gave a little laugh and started to get caught up each other once again and when it was getting too late they all headed to bed while Jayne was still thinking about Alex and Landan.
~~
When everyone was in bed, Jayne and Macey stayed up lying on the bed talking about the events that happened during the party.
"Don't you think Landan and Alex would be cute together? They talked for an hour tonight!" Jayne said giving a smile.
"I agree. They would be a very cute couple. I'm hoping that they will get to know each other more because I really want Alexis to find that special someone." Macey said.
"Me too. I feel bad for her that she hasn't found anyone yet. But I find it so romantic that she hasn't had her first kiss yet."Jayne said smiling, "What do you think of Ben?"
"Well, I think he's a nice guy but I don't think that he's the right type for Alison." Macey said thinking about it.
"Yeah, but I think he might like her. I can kind of tell by looking at him..." Jayne said.
"Oh, I never noticed." Macey said.
"I think it's kind of cute though." Jayne said giving a giggle.
"I guess it would be." Macey said, "But I hope that Ali doesn't start to like him."
"I don't think she will. But you know what I think?" Jayne said.
"What?" Macey asked.
"It's kind of weird, but I think that Ali and Charlie could work." Jayne said giving a smile.
"They hardly know each other!" Macey said laughing.
"I know but if you pay attention to both of them with their personalities, and if they started to talk and get to know each other, something could work." Jayne said.
"I dunno..." Macey said.
"Seriously, I think they would be perfect," Jayne said smiling, "I'm going to ask Ali what she thinks of him."
"She'll just say that he's a friend and that she hardly knows him." Macey said turning her back from Jayne.
"Maybe." Jayne said looking up at the ceiling thinking about a bunch of different things.
"I wonder if I'll find anyone." Jayne said after a few moments. It was silent and Jayne looked over. Macey was already fast asleep.

Hi there and welcome to YWS ! My name's lucyy and I've decided to be your reviewer for today . I hope this review will help you out and if you have any questions or need anything at all please don't hesitate to PM me. (: Well, on with the review! =D By the way, I love the title!!

Okay, I normally quote the whole piece of writing and do a line-by-line review, but I have to be honest and say that the reason I didn't do this is because this piece is mostly dialogue and you lost my interest by the first few paragraphs. You can't just go in on dialogue alone, you've got to flesh the story and (particularly) the characters out. But don't worry!! I can see you have some great potential here as a writer (I promise you that you do), you just need a little push in the right direction, and I hope I can be that push .

Now the first thing we need to tackle is your use of excessive dialogue. You need to break dialogue up with actual parts of the story and narrative as a story based on dialogue and little narrative can be bland. Take this line, for example:

"Oh, well it's nice to meet you." Alex said getting a little awkward and confused that he was talking to her.

There's so much more that can be added to that part of the narrative before you return back to the dialogue. First off, how is she awkward. By this I mean you've got to try and show how her awkwardness towards this situation comes across through her character instead of just simply saying she feels awkward as this will create a more vivid image for your readers. Try and imagine this chapter unfolding out as though it were a movie - how would the actress playing Alex show that she was feeling awkward - try and bring in body language and facial expressions here: does she avoid eye contact with him? Does she cross her arms? Turn her body partly away from his...? Bring your imagination alive! Show us what you see and what is happening. Don't just tell us. That should help you along your way to create a vivid story.

The next thing you need to work on is your characters. As a third person narrator it is your job to give us a particular insight into all of your characters. You need to show us what they're thinking/feeling, for example, take this first sentence:

Landan got up from his seat and headed toward the girl he was [s]dieing[/s] dying to talk to.

Delve deeper into his thoughts/feelings: Why was he dying to talk to her? What was it about her that he likes? This would also be a good place to throw in a character description through Landan's eyes as that will both provide us with a description of this girl and let us know what it is about her that he likes. Do you see how everything links together, how just giving us a description can also link into the thoughts and/or feelings of another character? I also write in third person as it's a preferred narrative to me as I dislike being stuck into one character's POV throughout, but I also think that it's a slightly more challenging person to write in than the first person as you have to take in account more than one character's thoughts/feelings and the only way really to be able to write them and their reactions is to get to know them as well as you do you friends and family. Sit down and look at each of your characters in turn and in detail, get to know their character as it will make your writing flow a lot easier. There are a few groups on here that focus on character development and there's also my own usergroup where we take a look at character development too. A few groups on here have helped me a lot with my characters and in turn helped me flesh out my stories with more narrative as I had a lot more to say about my characters.

So those are the two main points that I think you need to work on to improve your story. Remember as a writer you've got to get your readers to care about your characters in a way that the will want to follow their story through to the end and you can achieve that through improve characterisation and fleshing your narrative out, taking into account descriptions and other parts that make up a narrative in a story. When you next read a book take note of how the author pulls you into the plot line and makes you care about the characters and situation so you follow the story through to the end. Then apply that to your own writing. I have to say I owe a lot to authors of published works as they have influenced and inspired my writing in so many ways and I'm sure they can do the same to your work. Now before you come and hunt me down with a hammer I just want to say that your writing wasn't bad it just needs some extra work. I can tell you that my writing now is totally unrecognisable to when I first came onto YWS and it's still in need of major improvement but that's what's so great about this site is that you can learn a lot from authors on here and just please don't be upset with me as all I want to do is help you become the great writer you have the potential to be. Anyway, enough of my babbling for now. Just please don't be offended by anything I've said here as I promise you I only said it to help you out and my help doesn't stop with this review either. PM me for any questions you may have and also take a look at my usergroup (the link is below) =D.

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx