12 Roses

Prologue

We all believe that there is a special someone out there for us; depending on how far we are in life, we don't know who he or she is. They could be a hard working business man, or maybe they'd still be living with their parents, and that's all right with me, because I know that God will put me with the right one - the one I'm supposed to be with for forever.

I've gone through many men in my life; some were nice, cute, and treasurable, though others were bad and abusive. But there were twelve men that stuck out the most to me. Those twelve men each gave me one rose, one kiss, and one good memory to remember...

That is what I'm writing about.

Hello there!

Welcome to YWS, I'm Angel of Death, but please call me Angel.

First off, polls are not a good way to attract readers. People usually see them and decide not to read your story and plus, your poll seems really random. It seems like you want to tell us about your character when you really only have a few paragraphs here, so we won't be able to tell much about her.

I love the title though.

Personally, I wouldn't read anything like this. There's not much to go on and this seems more like a prologue than a first chapter.

If this was a first chapter and it were a book, no one would pick this up. It needs depth. We need to be hooked in. Here, it's lacking everything a story needs.

Right now, I don't care about your character. I don't even know her to care about her. Work on hook, make this longer. Please, I don't mean to be harsh, but if you're going to tell a story, tell it. Don't cheat us.

PM me if you have any questions and keep writing,

~Angel

I think you should write more. I like the title. But I have one question, how am i able to awnser the poll, i dont know if theres even a girl min the story. So if you write more I would deff. read it. So please, please, please write more=].

--Jessie.

Hi Septemb,

I'm Izzy

I agree with the above, this should be a prologue.

I will give you a review anyway but what I recommend is writing a longer chapter then piecing the two together on this post. If you ever want to do that there will be an edit button in the corner of your post, just click that.

We all believe that there is a special someone out there for us. Depending on how far we are in life, we don't know who he or she is.

I think this would work better as once sentence. If you replace the first period with a semi colon that should do the trick
Other than that I think you should make this more personal to her. Not everyone belives there is a special someone out there for us but obviously she does. Since this is in the first person I would just change the two "we" to "I"

They could be a jock, a geek, a goth, and that's alright with me, I know that God will put me with the right one- the one I'm supposed to be with for forever.

Okay so you've done two things here, you've determined that she is religious and that this story is set now. It's nice but a little simple, expand a little. Develop her character more, at the moment we don't know much about her.

I've gone through many men in my life. One's that are cute, strange, nice, bad, sweet, charming, lazy, dumb, and nerdy. But there were twelve men that stuck out the most to me. The twelve men that each gave me one rose, one kiss, and one good memory to remember...

I have a bit of a problem with this because she obviously isn't young but you refer to a very young stereotypes of people (goth, geek, jock), only really used by this generation. I also think you should end with "one rose" instead of "one good memory to remember", after all it's the title of the story. If you put it at the beginning it isn't going to make much impact, at the end it will leave the reader hanging.


All in all a nice beginning with a lot of room for character development and description. At the moment it is still, someones thoughts. In the next chapter it would be nice to bring it out of her head.


Feel free to pm me with any questions about YWS,


Izzy

This is something catchy and I think you are excited of posting your idea on the site and receiving remarks but you should have included Chapter 1 in the same post. We would like more to read.

Comments/Remarks:

Septemb15 wrote:Prolouge

You mispelled 'prologue'. Anyone could easily fix this.

Septemb15 wrote:They could be a jock, a geek, a goth, and that's alright with me

In formal English, 'Alright' should be written as two words - 'All right'.

Septemb15 wrote:I know that God will put me with the right one- the one I'm supposed to be with for forever.

A very minor error here - Put a space between the words when putting dashes/hyphens if the words aren't supposed to be connected.

Septemb15 wrote:One's that are cute, strange, nice, bad, sweet, charming, lazy, dumb, and nerdy.

You should have typed ones not one's.

Septemb15 wrote:But there were twelve men that stuck out the most to me. The twelve men that each gave me one rose, one kiss, and one good memory to remember...
And that is what I'm writing about.

There should be a comma after 'But' or you should have connected it with the sentence before it. Also, the 2nd to the last sentence is a fragment. You should have connected it to the prior sentence with a dash/hyphen. The very last sentence should also be connected too, or, you should have put a comma after and.

P.S.
You're idea is great and the title is ever-catchy. Keep writing!

Thank you all for the reviews that you've given me so far. I find them very helpful. Keep reading, because soon I'll submit chapter 1!