Poem

Here is one of mine:
care so much yet u still hide
cry the tears u thought u never cry
feel the feelings from the inside
scream some thoughts that u can't find
take the secrets like an open book
try to forget those harsh memories
be the person to hurt yet heal
go crazy over something that's not even reaL

Title changed -- Mod

Hey there, Dark Angel:

These forums are for posting your own work and getting reviews on them. If you'd like to make a thread where people can discuss poetry, feel free to use the Poetry Discussion Forum

We encourage people to post their poetry on separate threads so that the original poster may be notified of reviews when a poem is reviewed.

Good luck, if you've got any questions, PM me.

June

Hi, my name is Jon!

care so much yet u still hide

In poetry, you do not have to capitalize your words, however, you must use correct grammar. (Spelling.) Change the 'u' to 'you'. Also, I think a comma between 'much' and 'yet' would give it a nice pause.

cry the tears u thought u never cry

Change the 'u's to "You". However, have the second you be "you'd".

feel the feelings from the inside

I think this is a bit wordy...take 'the' out of this line. By doing so, it will make it more flowing. ;D

scream some thoughts that u can't find

Once again, you have to replace 'u' with 'you'.

go crazy over something that's not even reaL

This line has too many syllables for the rest of them. Remember that in poetry you should try to keep the syllables around the same number...or make it seem that way. To fix this line, take out 'even'. Also, you capitalize the 'L' on "reaL"...why?


So, this was a good try. It was unique, you could say. However, it seemed like a bunch of directions. In poetry, it is sometimes better to make a story and show what the words are...instead of telling them.


I would like to see something else written by you with some of these things in mind!


Jon

Hi Angel. ^^

First of all, U is a letter. You is a word. They are not to be exchanged. To me, one of the rudest things in the world is when a writer doesn't even bother to edit before they put their work out there for people to read. Remember, part of your writing will always be for an audience, and you have to keep that audience in mind when writing.

I agree with everything that Jon said, so I won't bother to reiterate it.
Your poem is sort of like *explosion noise*. It isn't stream-lined, and it doesn't flow nicely from one idea to the next. Remember:

Arranging words and
Sentences prettily
Across a page
Does not make for
A poem.

Your rhythm isn't very established. It rhymes in some places, and then it doesn't rhyme. You have to stay consistent. Changing your piece right in the middle is a sure-fire way to lose your readers' attention.
Use proper grammar. It's easier to read, and as this is, I can hardly understand it? Where should I pause? Where to the sentences begin and end?
Writing is more than just words. It is ideas. It is language, a dance of letters and pauses. Nowhere is this more clear than in poetry.

The best way to learn to write poetry is to read it. And by read, I don't mean skim the stanzas. I mean actually study it. How does this poet use figurative language (i.e. metaphores, similes, personification, etc) to create a strong image and emotion? Some of my favorite poets are Edgar Allen Poe, William Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Alfred Noyes, and Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Keep writing, and I hope to see you around YWS for a long time.