Killing Me Softly

Canned in the fragrance's prevalence,
I cried out in hysteria,
only to recieve a delicious mouthful
of the scent that made my shaking body tense.

Aren't you scared I'll leave?

As much as I ring my words- so faithfully-
around your hardened throat,
I cannot seem to think or breathe,
for the stench is wafted towards my nose by your slender hand.

Aren't you scared of what you see?

I cling on, choking through the smell,
and try to make you stay,
but you walk away with a respectable face;
I am not the victim here.

Aren't you scared of me?

You have just taken a cliche and overused idea and made it your own. Applaud yourself.

Who would ever think to use smell to portray an idea? Touch and sight have both been used, but I do believe this is new.

No advice is needed.

I love the sometimes gentle, sometimes intense wording in this piece. But I really don't get what's going on here. Maybe that's just me. Probably is just me.... It's beautifully worded, but since I can't decipher the message, I just don't get the full effect.
But I'm kind of dense when it comes to 'reading between the lines'.
It appears Abigail understood what you portrayed. I'm just confused.
Keep writing!
........can you tell me what it is?
Sorry, my brain's not working right now. Maybe if I reread it later I'll see what I'm missing.
I definitely got a wistful vibe, though.
-Voxina

Abigail_W. wrote:You have just taken a cliche and overused idea and made it your own. Applaud yourself.

Who would ever think to use smell to portray an idea? Touch and sight have both been used, but I do believe this is new.

No advice is needed.

Tell me please, how does one write with lack of the senses? I appreciate your response, but you failed to give me any constructive criticism. Yes, the smell is used to portray an idea (duh), but did you understand that it was utilitarianism? I don't believe so, and if you, in fact, did not, then I need to find a way to increase the comprehensibility of my poem for my readers.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm just saying that comments like this turn me into even more of a misanthrope. Clearly advice is needed from your condescending tone, so why won't you give it to me? I would love to hear how I can improve the poem considering this is my first poem posted, and so I expect there to be quite a few errors. If you could give me any helpful advice, I'd love to hear it

Hey there Mayo ^^ Shina here to do a review

Looks like you're in need of help.

I was reading the review from Abi, and I wasn't sure if she was being sarcastic or if it was just plain.

The first thing I realized about this poem is that it's like the song, Killing Me Softly.

Have you by any chance heard of it? It's by Roberta Flack

http://www.imeem.com/people/KA7V6k/music/obmnKJA1/roberta-flack-killing-me-softly-with-hissong/

It was a really great song, so even if it did inspire you, or if you've heard of it before, you may want another title.

Canned in the fragrance's prevalence,

Are you sure "prevalence" is the word you want here? It means "the state of being common."
Is this other character, or the fragrance belonging to him/her meant to be common?

I cried out in hysteria,
only to recieve a delicious mouthful
of the scent that made my shaking body tense.

This is the part that is also confusing. The title is "killing me softly," but it's confusing because the reader's aren't sure who is being killed and who is killing.

If it was inspired by the song (link above), then the narrator is the one who is supposed to be killing, not being killed.

Aren't you scared I'll leave?

It makes a bit more sense with this. Perhaps the narrator is afraid that his "powers" or "skills" aren't working on this person.

As much as I ring my words- so faithfully-
around your hardened throat,
I cannot seem to think or breathe,
for the stench is wafted towards my nose by your slender hand.

I know the narrator is trying to cast some sort of a "spell" persay on the other character, but what exactly is this other character doing to make the narrator not think or breathe?

I cling on, choking through the smell,
and try to make you stay,
but you walk away with a respectable face;
I am not the victim here.

Earlier, I thought maybe the characters were in love, but this confuses me further. Why did she leave? It's all contradicting itself.

The narrator is choking on the smell, but she leaves, making it seem like she's the monster.

And then the last line. The victim is the girl, you say, but she's not scared, in fact, she's doing more damage.

------------

I'm suggesting you be more clear on what you're trying to say. I'm guessing it's something along the lines of: the guy is supposed to "kill" the girl, but the girl is unaffected, and therefore, killing the guy.

Stay consistent with your idea.

-Shina

The sentence, "Aren't you scared I'll leave?" is very bold. And that's what I like about this poem. It has a boldness about it.
I think what you mean by the title is apparent. Even though you say you are not the victim here, you actually are. In the process of killing the other person, you are also killing yourself. I like this poem!

I like it. Very provocative, beautifully written, plus the simplicity of the questions. You never know if she's saying them outloud or simply thinking them to herself. I like it because as has been said in previous reviews it is an overused idea, especially with twilight and such, yet in the matter of a few lines you have made us understand it better than a book ever could.
Leave and breathe seem to clash somewhere in me, I don't know if that's just personal preferance but the lack of rhyming, which would normally be fine, seems to be made worse by those two lines. But that is simply my only issue with this. Well done and keep writing.

flippinmayonnaise wrote:Canned in the fragrance's prevalence,

This just put a weird image in my mind: someone being trapped in one of those soup cans. I know that's not the image you want. I think replacing "canned" with "trapped" will give you the same effect. It's vivid, but maybe the wrong kind.

only to receive a delicious mouthful...

Corrected your spelling.

As much as I ring my words- so faithfully-
around your hardened throat,

"So faithfully" seems out of place in this line. Take it out, and you're left with a way more powerful image.

I cling on, choking through the smell,
and try to make you stay,
but you walk away with a respectable face;
I am not the victim here.

By far, the best stanza out of the whole poem. I really enjoyed this part, because it showed the desperation of the speaker to keep the object of their desire, and yet somehow, they escape anyway, leaving behind a broken heart. Excellent.

Overall, a really great poem. Other than the things I pointed out, it was nearly perfect.

Excellent job, keep it up,
kf