Thought

I wrote this poem at an art camp, it was an interesting prompt: describe your thought process. And we had 10 minutes to write it, so it turned out kind of abstract. Here's my edited version, reviews are much loved!



Thought

Whirling, Spinning,
Thoughts dancing
Through conscienceness.
Like ribbon unwound and left to
Swirl.

Words bring movement,
And lyrical rhyme.
Letter and phrases bring music
Internal.

An endless stream
Of color and shapes
Cycling, circling,
Unhindered
Current.

Nature simplified
To stanzas and measures,
Words create endless
Rhythmic patterns.

Where others see black,
My mind waxes red,
Endless possibilities
To make of the average.

Hello! I’m surprised no one has reviewed this yet, it’s fantastic! It took me a while to find anything to nitpick, but here goes:

Letter and phrases bring music

I think you should say letters?

Whirling, Spinning,
Thoughts dancing
Through conscienceness.

Should be consciousness. Also, I think you may need a comma after dancing? Apart from that, I really liked this line, very eloquent.

Like ribbon unwound and left to Swirl.

I think this needs punctuating. i don't think you really need the and.
Like ribbon, unwound, left to swirl
Just a thought.

Anyways, that’s all for my nitpicking I think! This is very well written, and the imagery is compelling and rather beautiful. I really enjoyed your poem, it is a stunning interpretation of a thought process. Thank you for the pleasure of seeing this.

~ Roon

This is fantastic. I really enjoyed that you left this poem very free form, like thoughts.

I only have two pieces of advice: make sure all the first words of each line are capitalized, because you forgot a few, and also perhaps change the word unhindered, unless it's chosen for a special reason, because it seems out of place.

This was just stunning, "lyrical rhyme" was a beautiful phrase, and the last stanza was pure beauty.

Thanks for this wonderful piece of art.

Wow, thanks guys! I only had about 10 minutes to write this, so I guess I should give myself a time limit more often! And yeah, I'm always forgetting that little capitalization rule...Thanks so much for the reviews!