Some short poems (Edited)

Hello, and thank you for your time! I wrote these really quickly, so they're probably dreadful! Please feel free to rip them to shreds! I have edited Poser and Happiness, but Best friend Syndrome is still under construction!

Poser

Trapped inside myself,
I yearn, I crave, I howl,
to be set free.

The cocoon of my
exterior self
is strangling me.

My voice,
my screams,
go unheard,
are trapped
as I am.

I scratch
I claw
at this clinging, painted prison,
that binds itself to me,
that I created to fit.
But not around me.

The suit I made to impress
I can’t take it off.
I’m losing myself.

I am
unreachable.

There is nothing left.
my emotions can’t penetrate
my selfish skin.





Happiness

Happiness makes us feel as light as a feather
As we parade together.
Two birds flying free,
That’s what you are to me.

Or what you were.

Happiness is the pleasant gap
between devastation and despair
Where we prepare to take the plunge
into deeper waters,
deeper misery.

It’s fleeting.
It’s taunting.

It builds us up to knock us down.
It drives the air from our lungs
to make the heights all the more
dizzying.
Terrifying.

Happiness is cruel,
it lets our guard down for us.
It makes the icy seas bearable,
makes us keep swimming.

Happiness is bitter,
it can’t last.
We don’t appreciate it
until it’s ripped from under our feet.

Happiness is painful.
We cling to it, the rocky island in the unending ocean.
Look to your blistering, swollen hands,
can you feel happiness there any longer?

Happiness is hope,
we have
no other release,
but we will always be
let down,
expect nothing less.

But keep holding on.



Best friend syndrome

You keep building up your pedestal,
I’ll watch it fall,
Bringing you down with it,
Your ego will crush you,
Unless I catch you, and
Protect you.

I don’t know why I help,
I try to tell you to stop,
Every time you start building,
Every time you fall,
Won’t you learn?

What is it that you’re trying to reach?

I won’t be here forever,
You need to carry your own weight,
Your own pride.

Your world is on my shoulders.

You look but don’t see
What you do,
Everyone around you is sick
And tired of this game.
This act.

Is that really you?
Can you live with what you’ve become.
There’s a difference between
Confidence and arrogance.
The fine line we all tread
You see as a hurdle,
That keeps tripping you up.

I won’t let you drag me down with you
I’m leaving this sinking ship…
Next time.

Hey roon! Thanks for replying to my thread! If you have any problems with anything I’ve said (if I’m unclear or offensive), don’t hesitate to tell me Anyway, let’s begin with Poser.

I yearn, I crave, I howl,

Here, I’m not sure if ‘howl’ fits in well. The first two words are closely related to desire, while the third relates more to yelling.

Is beginning to strangle me.

This is very passive voice. Writers try to avoid passivity because active voice tends to create brighter, clearer images. By cutting out the ‘is beginning to’ of this line, leaving the phrase ‘strangles me’, the action of strangling stands out and the audience imagines the situation more vividly.

My muffled voice,
My muffled screams,
Are nearly drowned out.

Again, this is in passive voice. I feel like this could be stronger if rephrased. Also, I get the feeling that the repetition of ‘muffled’ might not add as much as it could to the poem. What muffles the voice of the narrator? What drowns the screams out?

I scratch and claw at these
Metaphorical walls, but

‘Metaphorical walls’ feels repetitive. I think it is clear to the reader that the walls are metaphorical, as the poem doesn’t center around a building or structure. Perhaps a different modifier would work better, something that would accent your point. ‘Painted walls’, for instance, gives the reader an entirely new look at the phrase. That might be too vague, but it does give an idea about fake facades.

My emotions can’t penetrate
My selfish skin.

I do like this final part. There’s something about it that rings quite true with being a ‘poser’.

So, the penultimate thing I’d like to mention is capitalization. I know Word loves to capitalize the beginning of new lines, but remember that you don’t have to. In poetry, if things are written like prose (i.e. only the beginning of new ideas are capitalized), things might flow better. Sometimes an unnecessary uppercase letter can throw off the reader. I’ve learned on YWS that in poetry, even trivial things like capitalization need careful consideration.

Lastly, for this particular poem, I’d like to see it fleshed out a bit more. All we have so far is the narrator’s desire to be free of this image. But what exactly is this poser image? Or, how did the narrator find themselves in this ‘cage’ of sorts? The poem is a little short, and it wouldn’t hurt to add one more stanza. Also, it would be nice to have a little more imagery.

Now, onto Happiness.

Happiness makes us feel light as a feather,
As we parade together.
We are two birds flying free,
That’s what you are to me.

This would be the only stanza in the whole poem that rhymes. Was this on purpose? If so, it’s a little odd that the rest of the poem does not follow this format. I sort of like it actually, since it gives off this singsong feel, as if the narrator is mocking themselves for feeling that way. So, perhaps it should be kept that way.

However, the rhythm here feels a little off, mostly in the first line. I think it is too long in comparison with the rest of them.

Happiness is the pleasant gap,
Between devastation and despair.

I really like this. Expand and really delve into this idea, because something as great as this needs a little bit of fleshing out.

Happiness is cruel.
Happiness is bitter.
Happiness is painful.

So hold onto it.

The ‘happiness is…’ format feels very telling. It would be nice to see some creative imagery here. Happiness is cruel? How? Explain. Also, in essence the poem says to hold onto pain, bitterness, and cruelty? Perhaps there should be something in between these two sections to bridge them together. Just adding “It’s all we’ve got” would be the easy way out, so I don’t recommend doing that, but something to that effect would work.

This poem is very nice, and again I’d like to see more in it. Like you said, they are all short, so I’m sure you would like to go back and perhaps see what else you can add into them. I’m sorry I don’t have much else to say about this particular poem, but I hope what I did manage to say will help a bit.

Finally, we have Best friend syndrome

You keep building up your pedestal,
I’ll watch it fall,
Bringing you down with it,
Your ego will crush you,
Unless I catch you, [s]and[/s]
Protect you.

This might work better without the ‘and’. It feels unnecessary. The tense here sounds odd as well. The first line almost sounds like present tense, the second and third future, and the final two are in present. It would help if things were kept to one tense.

Can you live with what you’ve become.

I think you want this one to be a question rather than just a statement.

I won’t let you drag me down with you
I’m leaving this sinking ship…
Next time.

I really like this part. I totally understand the feeling.

This poem overall, was really great. However, it might help if the idea was centralized over one, grand idea. Like the pedestal mentioned in the beginning, or the sinking ship mentioned in the end. By keeping to one idea and really elaborating on it, the reader gets a full image of the situation. For example, if you wanted to stick with the ship idea, the beginning could be rewritten as,

“Are you setting sail…again?
I’ll wait here in the lighthouse
and watch for the wreckage
when your ego capsizes you.”

Again, a poor example, but picking one idea and relating it to the ‘Best Friend Syndrome’ would be really interesting to see. With all of these examples, it feels like it moves all-over-the-place, held together loosely by a friend addressing a self-destructive friend. However, the images you employ (the pedestal, the hurdle between confidence and arrogance, the sinking ship) are all really great ideas. Perhaps they shouldn’t be in the same poem though, as there is a clashing feel between them.

So, my general comment for all three of these poems would be that they are all off to a good start, with strong, emotional topics. But vibrant images are a bit lacking. Remember to employ the poetic devices you can, from figurative language – similes, metaphors, and the like – to technical things like flow, punctuation, and capitalization. Otherwise, I think that’s all I have to say!

I hope some of this was helpful.

Best of luck,
octo

Hey roon, I am going to take a quick look at "best friend syndrome".

1.

What is it that you’re trying to reach?

I think this question could be more powerful if you shortened it in some way. At the moment I feel it is slightly too lengthy to make me personally consider the question.

2.

Everyone around you is sick

And tired of this game.

The saying of sick and tired is a bit overused (a cliche to me) and i was thinking you could change it to a less obvious statement.

3.

I won’t let you drag me down with you

I’m leaving this sinking ship…

Next time.

Finally i really like this stanza; the way you add a final twist to show your loyalty, tolerance and strength of friendship really speaks to me. Well done with the poem!

Hello, again!

So, I am going to write a proper review this time, honest!
Righty, here goes:

Poser

I agree with octocoffee that “howl” doesn’t quite fit, I think “moan” would fit better?

“The cocoon of my

exterior self

is strangling me.”

I REALLY like this, I mean seriously. Amazing imagery.

“I scratch

I claw

at this clinging, painted prison,

that binds itself to me,

that I created to fit.

But not around me.”

I see what you mean here but I’m not sure if it works all that well, I think you could get the point across differently, I don’t like the “this clinging, painted prison,” ‘m’afraid.

“There is nothing left.

my emotions can’t penetrate

my selfish skin.”

I really like this stanza too, but I have this itching feeling in my head that says ‘shed’ should be fitted in somewhere, I’m seeing ‘to shed this false skin’ somewhere?

Overall I really like this! And I think I may know a few people who I can relate it to...

Happiness

I’m afraid I have little to say on this poem, however I like the rhyme section at the start. But the thing I love, is the way you say everything that happiness is, all of which make me think of hope, or hype! Very well pieced together.

Best friend syndrome

For legal reasons I shall not comment on this poem too much
But what I will say is that I like the ending, it sounds to me a bit like a domestic violence situation, where the person thinks it’s all okay; ‘but (s)he said (s)he loves me.’ That sort of thing powerful stuff!


I enjoyed reading these, roon! Please write some more

probably dreadful

poems, because they always turn out awesome

~MindYourHead

Just gonna review that there first one. My personal favourite. Also this means i'll have done my obligatory two reviews, so thanks.

I really liked it, as I said, especially the bluntness of the penultimate stanza, "I am/unreachable." It bookends the poem nicely, but also allows a conclusion to be made, which you do eloquently.

The balance between the high-falutin and literal meaning is nigh on perfect here, as it is obvious what you are saying, (and an interesting subject it is too), as well as being poetically described.

My only criticism would be that you seem to reiterate the same point a bit.

Thanks
x

Poser: very simple but alright. Not a favorite i must admit. a few classic concepts that i've seen before though I do like the last line in mention of "selfish skin". i can relate to that line very well.

Happiness: well written though the actual words and concept angered me a bit. I understand that happiness can be ripped away in a shorter moment than it came but is that happiness' fault or our own. i suppose it really depends on what has affected happiness. but happiness is a temporary and fleeting emotion. true joy for something lasts. nonetheless

ingolmatt wrote:Happiness makes us feel as light as a feather

i found this line a very cliche though i see how it connects later on to the birds.

Best Friend Syndrome: I think this is very relatable even the title. original. it also seems that you are saying it instead of 'writing' it which is why people can connect with it. very blunt but then again best friends are blunt with each other. connects well with reality. very good.

Hey roon, Crocks here again!

Poser: This is my favorite of the three poems you put up. I probably like it because it relates to the MC in my book.
My voice,

my screams,

go unheard,

are trapped

as I am.

This is my favorite stanza in this one. I can’t really find anything wrong with it, so on to the next one!


Happiness: I liked this one too. It shows happiness in a very different light.
Happiness is bitter,

it can’t last.

We don’t appreciate it

until it’s ripped from under our feet.


That’s my favorite stanza in this one. Next!

Best friend syndrome: I like this one.

I won’t be here forever,

You need to carry your own weight,

Your own pride.

This is my favorite stanza in this poem. It shows how people depend on their friends.

That is all! *hug* I’ll get the next part of my story up ASAP.